Husband sabotage
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maillemaker wrote: »so because the wife is on a diet the husband can't bring home some donuts, really???
If someone has self control issues with item X, it's not very helpful when people bring that item around you. Nobody wants to have their noses rubbed in what they are trying to avoid but love to indulge in.
Eventually, maybe, they will be able to tolerate being around donuts without eating them. Or maybe they will have enough calories in their daily allotment to devote 500 calories to an ice cream cone or 200 calories for a donut, along with the willpower to stop at just one.
But a lot of people are not there right now. I wish people would stop the false incredulity as if this was a difficult situation to understand.
Understand where you're coming from, but...Most people who are responding with "self control" are people who have been through it already and giving advice from experience. We all know how difficult it is to say no. Trial and error, you can't learn to say no and portion control if you're not put in the situation in the first place. It took me 6+ months to learn portion control for my favorite foods - now I know how to say no. Coddling and avoiding doesn't usually work in this situation.0 -
I don't think he is trying to sabotage. Probably just habit and new ones are formed over time. In relationships, boundaries should be a given. But sometimes a polite reminding is necessary. Let him know that you would be happy to help him take things out to the garage ect before of afterwards, but that you need a set time distraction-free to focus on your goals. Sometimes I actually ask my husband if he needs anything before my personal time, this way he knows to take advantage/make requests or leave me alone. lol Not sure about the living room idea though. We turned one of our spare bedrooms into a workout room so the door can be shut. But if you don't have that option, you will just have to work with it. As far as him bringing home junk food (or in my case alcohol), unless he jumps on board on his own, be prepared to deal with it. That's his choice. Does not have to be yours.0
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HappyCampr1 wrote: »
Where's the lack of respect in expecting someone else to completely change their habits because you decided to change yours?
For Ndj and HappyCampr -
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Shoot, I thought this was looking for ideas on how to sabotage your husband. I had a list ready...0
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I had the same issue with my spouse. He would interrupt my workouts, demand dinner, eat & bring all sorts of unhealthy things into the house. I eventually (10 years!) built up the will power to ignore him, eat for me (and my son) and you know what - I've held firm, lost over 75 pounds (10 before mfp) in the past year & .5 and am now the same size of when we got married - he's even lost weight by default eating my left overs...sadly, the worst effect from all this... he's become more of a raving *kitten*, expert on all things weight loss and biligerent jerk who drinks too much... the best part, I've come to realize thru all this - it wasn't me, it was me hiding from my life and eating to console dealing with him... 4 counselors later I finally got it...HIS issues, became my issues...so I'm looking for a divorce attorney - drastic yes, but much needed for health & sanity sake.0
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Bringing them home shows a lack of respect for his wife and indeed belies his professed support for his wife's efforts. Either that or he's simply an insensitive dolt that can't think obvious things through.
This just doesn't make sense for me. My sister moved in with me for a while after breaking up with her partner, whom she used to live with, and was staying in MY house while I was actively working on losing weight last year. She would order pizza when I didn't wish to eat it, and leave leftovers in the refrigerator and even -- gasp! -- offer me some, and she knows I like pizza, and I just thought she was being considerate to offer. She knew I was losing weight. I can't imagine thinking this showed a lack of respect or that she should change her eating choices to mimic mine (indeed, as she wasn't trying to lose weight that would have been weird).0 -
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That poster clearly did not read the OP.
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So. I'd be pissed if someone asked me to do something in the middle of my workout. I set time aside- leave me alone.
Agree with this.
I suspect this is just a matter of talking about it and clarifying that she wants to be left alone while working out and maybe addressing some conflict over the use of the room and the timing.0 -
OP - if you stick to your goals eventually you could be in the most magnificent dessert filled room and (A) not want to have any of it because you know how to control your cravings or (B) indulge because you worked hard for it and one day/meal/snack/treat isn't going to destroy your hard work. Lighten up on your husband. It could always be worse.0
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I think that it's a hard thing for any significant other if they're not doing it as well. Whether it's the wife or the husband - he or she isn't dieting or isn't ready or willing to commit to regular exercise. Whatever it may be, the change is one-sided and it throws the proverbial wrench into that person's "normal" life. He/she may have greatly enjoyed the evening watching TV, or sharing a bowl of buttery popcorn and m&m's - that may be his/her fond memory of bonding. So while being healthy is absolutely essential to life, a change to a healthier state that is one sided will almost always present a complication or two. Sometimes it requires re-working your exercise schedule or modifying healthy dishes to satisfy everyone. The best time for me to work out is at 5:30 am before my family is active. It doesn't disrupt anyone. Weekends are filled with activities and evenings are spent taking one child or the other to something, or helping with homework, cleaning up, etc. The best thing in my opinion is to change what you've changed until the change fits right. You don't have to sacrifice your new healthy outlook, but you do have to sacrifice for your family balance - that may mean stupid-early exercise or cooking 2 separate things. These are my opinions, of course...0
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I've been meaning to try to lose weight for months now, but it was really hard to start until my boyfriend went 2 hours away for the summer. When he was here we ate almost every meal together (except when I was at work for breakfast/lunch) and although he also wants to be healthy he doesn't really have to watch what he eats. I also feel awkward working out when there's other people around (why I HATE going to the gym). We ate out a lot, and mostly sat around the house because he always had homework. The most exercise I was really doing was dancing at his frat parties.
Once he left it was a lot easier. I'm in charge of all my meals and since I live alone it's a lot easier for me to work out anytime I get a whim.
It's not that my boyfriend doesn't want me to lose weight (although he does always tell me I'm perfect the way I am), it's just that my working out and eating healthy is very different from what he needs... basically he could eat whatever, do a little cardio, and lift and he'll be hot as hell (and I'm not just saying that because I'm biased.)
I have to be the one to be conscious about what I'm eating and how I'm working out even when he visits and when he comes back in the fall.
Your husband probably isn't trying to sabotage, he may just not understand how or why you're doing things, if he brings home donuts just don't eat them!0 -
The donuts, I don't have issues with. Maybe he's just being thoughtful? Also, you CAN make adjustments to your daily limit to allow this.
The interruptions? Talk to him. Tell him that that hour is off-limits. It's like when he's watching his favorite TV Show/sports team/whatever. He doesn't want to be bothered then, so this is your equivalent of that.0 -
my boyfriend is the same way. just keep at it and he will get the point. us completely changing eating habits and all the food in the house isn't just affecting us, it affects them as well. we may want to change and be dead set on it but they aren't at that point yet. be patient. this is a change that is affecting him as well. he'll come around sooner or later.0
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TheVirgoddess wrote: »My husband still brings me donuts. Because I like donuts and he loves me. My "diet" is my business to manage - not his. It's not sabotage. It's realizing that the world doesn't actually revolve around me.
this. perfectly said girl!0 -
UltimateRBF wrote: »I wish my husband brought me donuts
Oh wait.
I don't have a husband.
Sabotage via non-existance? That's some top level sabotage.0 -
My husband brings home sweets all the time. He also interups me at the gym by calling me and asking where I put his shoes and other dumb things. He's not sabotaging me . the only way he could sabotage me would be if I let him.
Its my choice what I eat and its my choice to ignore him while working out. Its not that big of a deal that he brought donuts home. Its up to you if you eat them or not.
You also can't expect him to totally change his ways just because you have decided to lose weight.0 -
My husband was a sweet JUNKIE, but he is also frugal. I showed him how much money we can save if we don't buy cookies. He was posting his calories and exercise on MFP by sundown.
I like the way you think!
Maybe I ought to try to sell my dad that way, too, as he's more money conscious than health conscious, ha ha!0 -
so because the wife is on a diet the husband can't bring home some donuts, really???
I'm with the OP on this.
Hubby can chow down on doughnuts all day while he's at work or stuff his face while driving home.
Bringing them home shows a lack of respect for his wife and indeed belies his professed support for his wife's efforts. Either that or he's simply an insensitive dolt that can't think obvious things through.
Eating his lump of flour, fat, and sugar elsewhere is not a hardship for the hub-meister.
Bringing donuts home for himself isn't a hardship to the OP. He's not forcing her to eat them.
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Maybe OP is powerless to the foods she loves. Also still waiting to see if anyone got any husband saying like the happy wife happy life saying.0
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Divorce is clearly the only option here.
Unless you're willing to change your views about sabotage, he should totes divorce you.0 -
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Mussronkey wrote: »My house is divided. Good healthy stuff on my side; bad yet wonderfully delicious snacks and sweets on my wife’s side. Talk about willpower! Do I grab some raw broccoli or join my wife in finishing off the remaining M&M’s from the candy jar? Does that make her an evil, evil person? Yes!
Lol - mine's the same way. My house contains unimaginable amounts of candy, ice cream, cake, donuts, cookies, snack cakes - you name it! We have a candy drawer, and a snack drawer, and a cookie shelf in one of our cabinets. All (mostly) eaten by my hubby who has no issues with his weight! It's been that way since we married 20+ years ago. I would never expect him to give it all up because I want to lose weight. That's why my little MFP tag line is 'If it's to be, it's up to me'. Last night, he stood by the treadmill for a bit gnoshing on a giant piece of DQ ice cream cake while smiling and watching me walk... Lol! Yes - he's an evil evil person too! But it's okay, cause he knows I can take it
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linerandcoffee wrote: »Sometimes people are afraid of change. Your husband could subconciously be going through the period of insecurity and uncertainty that comes with having a SO who is making drastic changes. In the back of his mind there could be a voice telling him that you'll be too good for him when you reach your goals, and he's afraid of losing the you that you used to be. But give him time, and remind him that this change will make you happier, which will fill his life with more joy and enthusiasm in the long run. Maybe he just needs reassurance that while your fat is going to disappear, you aren't going anywhere.
I've observed this in a few different couples, myself and hubby included. (I even have a really good friend whose husband shames and guilts her into not going to WW meetings and really does sabotage her best efforts.) Based on the examples the OP gave, I can't tell if he's necessarily sabotaging you or just continuing to do what he's used to doing. You might want to take some time to observe his behavior. Does he only ask you for help while you're working out? If so, maybe just say, "Sure honey, as soon as I'm done." Maybe you could put the donuts on a high shelf that only he could reach. If he asks why they're not on the counter where he left them, just say you'd be too tempted. That way it's not addressing his behavior, only yours. I agree with the other posters that you'll just have to keep doing things for yourself, and you may have a little more of an uphill battle than other people if you don't have a supportive spouse. I'd love to have my hubs be really supportive of my journey, but it's just not going to happen. Know that there are those of us who understand your struggle. Just keep at it, and you'll feel even better when you see what you've accomplished.0 -
_incogNEATo_ wrote: »Divorce is clearly the only option here.
Unless you're willing to change your views about sabotage, he should totes divorce you.
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Have you actually spelled out to him what support means? Have you asked him not to bring home junk food? Have you asked him not to interrupt you during your work-out? You may need to sit down with him and discuss what you actually need him to do in order to support you, and explain why your asking him to do these things. (With the junk food, he may not realize how hard it is for you to resist eating it; with the workout, he may just think it's no big deal for you to take a quick break.)callmemaui wrote: »Oh yeah. He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed but I don't see it.
It's possible he's being thoughtless rather than trying to sabotage you. Or, it could be he doesn't understand why HE has to change his ways (not bring home junk, wait for you to finish your workout when he needs help) in order for you to lose weight.
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megantischner wrote: »
Have you actually spelled out to him what support means? Have you asked him not to bring home junk food? Have you asked him not to interrupt you during your work-out? You may need to sit down with him and discuss what you actually need him to do in order to support you, and explain why your asking him to do these things. (With the junk food, he may not realize how hard it is for you to resist eating it; with the workout, he may just think it's no big deal for you to take a quick break.)callmemaui wrote: »Oh yeah. He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed but I don't see it.
It's possible he's being thoughtless rather than trying to sabotage you. Or, it could be he doesn't understand why HE has to change his ways (not bring home junk, wait for you to finish your workout when he needs help) in order for you to lose weight.
What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!0 -
megantischner wrote: »
Have you actually spelled out to him what support means? Have you asked him not to bring home junk food? Have you asked him not to interrupt you during your work-out? You may need to sit down with him and discuss what you actually need him to do in order to support you, and explain why your asking him to do these things. (With the junk food, he may not realize how hard it is for you to resist eating it; with the workout, he may just think it's no big deal for you to take a quick break.)callmemaui wrote: »Oh yeah. He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed but I don't see it.
It's possible he's being thoughtless rather than trying to sabotage you. Or, it could be he doesn't understand why HE has to change his ways (not bring home junk, wait for you to finish your workout when he needs help) in order for you to lose weight.
why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.0 -
callmemaui wrote: »HELP!!!! I think my husband us trying to sabotage my weight loss endeavor. When I explain to him that I am really trying hard this time, avoiding bad foods and trying to work out he's all for it. But his actions speak the exact opposite of support. Like yesterday he brought home donuts after work. And when I turn on my Zumba workout in the living room he gets annoyed and interrupts me to ask me to do something for him, like help him carry something to the garage. It's really frustrating. I was really hoping he would join me so we could go through this together, but it looks like I'm on my own. BUT I refuse to give in. I'm going to keep doing it and hopefully he'll get the hint that I'm in it for the long run.
Basically, you're making a big change (this is assuming you even stick with it, which is doubtful) and expecting the world around you to cater to your new needs. And you don't want to learn how to say "No", you just want the Universe to remove all temptation from you to make it easy on you.
That's what I'm hearing.
Yeah...good luck with that...
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