Lost sex drive?
Replies
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mskessler89 wrote: »Picking my husband up from the airport tonight. Will be wearing a corset underneath my dress. Will be losing the dress as soon as we get home. ...Possibly before.
I like you1 -
benmullins4 wrote: »Hate to be blunt, but yes. You are to blame...
Nope - not completely. Speaking from a female point of view, about my previous lackluster marriage - when there is no *spark*, it's hard to muster desire. My ex would be critical or non-communicative all evening, then once in bed, a nudge on the foot and the question "ya wanna do it?", was hardly what it took to make passion seem like a good idea. I'm not seeing where the OP's husband is making much effort to be a "lover"; but then, neither is she.
Another thought that crossed my mind: gaming and TV, both of which promote stereotypes that are harmful to "real life". (Keep in mind that I'm old) - my ex was hoping I'd be June Cleaver, dressed in her pearl necklace cooking a delicious meal. But nowadays, it seems like everyone on TV is having passionate sex - tearing their clothes off, etc. That's about as far from reality for most of us, as me cooking a pot roast in high heels...LOL!! It's OK to go through periods of "meh"; or moments of passion that feel like routine. Or no passion at all, for that matter. The trick is to be able to say to your spouse "We need to spice this back up", or "I need some help to feel romantic after the kids go to bed".
They both need to take ownership for sure. But she states that she isn't and wasn't physically attracted to him. Now I don't speak for everyone, but I'd imagine getting freaky together requires some sort of physical attraction...
So I stand by what I said...1 -
Okay, so I didn't realize this thread was still going on. I wonder where all the friend invites kept coming from!
So, it's been awhile since I first asked this question. A few things have changed. I am eating better, I am attempting to work out and succeed about half of the week. Not bad for keeping up with two kids as well. And what I've noticed, is that not eating as much helps the most. I don't feel bloated, which means I don't feel extra fat, and I feel better about myself. Also, a big difference is communication. He and I have begun talking more, instead of just going about the day as Mom and Dad. He has commented that I look better, which encourages me to keep doing what I'm doing. And he also made a simple adjustment to his beard, which had a better effect than I thought it would.
Also, I know if you have you suggested that maybe it was stress that was an issue. We have recently begun getting a handle on financial stress in our life, and are taking big steps to getting rid of all of it. Since doing that, he and I are closer than we've been in the last year. Also helps that the children are getting a little older and able to play by themselves. Well, at least for a couple hours a night.
So things are going better. I showed him this thread, we had a few laughs and some things that we've read, and others make sense.
Communication is key. If there's no
communication, there's no hope. You can't fix it
if you don't know why it's broken.
And yes, sex creates more sex. In my particular case, sex novels helped a LOT with this.
We even have a weekend getaway scheduled, without the kids!
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benmullins4 wrote: »benmullins4 wrote: »Hate to be blunt, but yes. You are to blame...
Nope - not completely. Speaking from a female point of view, about my previous lackluster marriage - when there is no *spark*, it's hard to muster desire. My ex would be critical or non-communicative all evening, then once in bed, a nudge on the foot and the question "ya wanna do it?", was hardly what it took to make passion seem like a good idea. I'm not seeing where the OP's husband is making much effort to be a "lover"; but then, neither is she.
Another thought that crossed my mind: gaming and TV, both of which promote stereotypes that are harmful to "real life". (Keep in mind that I'm old) - my ex was hoping I'd be June Cleaver, dressed in her pearl necklace cooking a delicious meal. But nowadays, it seems like everyone on TV is having passionate sex - tearing their clothes off, etc. That's about as far from reality for most of us, as me cooking a pot roast in high heels...LOL!! It's OK to go through periods of "meh"; or moments of passion that feel like routine. Or no passion at all, for that matter. The trick is to be able to say to your spouse "We need to spice this back up", or "I need some help to feel romantic after the kids go to bed".
They both need to take ownership for sure. But she states that she isn't and wasn't physically attracted to him. Now I don't speak for everyone, but I'd imagine getting freaky together requires some sort of physical attraction...
So I stand by what I said...
And they have kids together. How can you have kids with someone you were never attracted to or never wanted to have sex with in the first place? Presumably the deed had to be done. I'm confused...
ETA: OP I just saw your update. So glad things are getting better and I agree sex creates more sex!1 -
cassiecalhoun wrote: »Okay, so I didn't realize this thread was still going on. I wonder where all the friend invites kept coming from!
So, it's been awhile since I first asked this question. A few things have changed. I am eating better, I am attempting to work out and succeed about half of the week. Not bad for keeping up with two kids as well. And what I've noticed, is that not eating as much helps the most. I don't feel bloated, which means I don't feel extra fat, and I feel better about myself. Also, a big difference is communication. He and I have begun talking more, instead of just going about the day as Mom and Dad. He has commented that I look better, which encourages me to keep doing what I'm doing. And he also made a simple adjustment to his beard, which had a better effect than I thought it would.
Also, I know if you have you suggested that maybe it was stress that was an issue. We have recently begun getting a handle on financial stress in our life, and are taking big steps to getting rid of all of it. Since doing that, he and I are closer than we've been in the last year. Also helps that the children are getting a little older and able to play by themselves. Well, at least for a couple hours a night.
So things are going better. I showed him this thread, we had a few laughs and some things that we've read, and others make sense.
Communication is key. If there's no
communication, there's no hope. You can't fix it
if you don't know why it's broken.
And yes, sex creates more sex. In my particular case, sex novels helped a LOT with this.
We even have a weekend getaway scheduled, without the kids!
that's great news and I'm happy for you and your husba...
wait.
..... does this mean that you won't be accepting my friend request?
drat3 -
Lol! I accept all friend requests.
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JustMissTracy wrote: »Yyyyyup! Sex drive went bye bye, and it's sad, 'cause it used to be sky-high! But! I'm confident it'll come back. I'm all jiggly and self-conscious now and just can't get over how I look to myself long enough to enjoy sex. Oh, well...
Cute little outfits can cover/camoflauge any jiggly parts....you can choose something that covers everything, but still comes across as sensual; In doing, you may feel more sexy, your hubs will definitely feel sexy stuff looking/touching you...and your sex drive could naturally come back quickly! Someone said it earlier, and they were right on the money: The less you do it, the less you want it. The more you do it, the more you want it. Give yourself a little push...it's worth it xo
Have to agree with this! And about your other comment, it's me who cares about the jiggles, not the other person. I gotta stop being so self conscious.
Thanks for the insight! ^^
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mskessler89 wrote: »Picking my husband up from the airport tonight. Will be wearing a corset underneath my dress. Will be losing the dress as soon as we get home. ...Possibly before.
Ahhhh yesss! Did this a couple of months back with a trench coat and not much underneath it. BF was tired and didn't notice for awhile... Needless to say, when he did notice, his jaw dropped and the fatigue went away. Super fun night ^^2 -
Been married for 13 years. We have sex maybe twice a year. I'm just not into it anymore... I know my husband isn't happy but it's just really uncomfortable for me to force myself to do it. Losing weight didn't change anything (except make it harder for him probably).
Honestly though, it doesn't help that I'm a SAHM and with kids over me all day the last thing I want is being touched. And to be fair, I'm not really attracted by my husband anymore either.. so it doesn't really help... but I was never really into sex in the first place, truth be told.
But if he has sex outside of your marriage, he's the bad guy, right???
not all men are going to be unfaithful though. my man isnt and he doesnt get it as often as he wants.0 -
i wish i was married, or had someone to have a sex drive with right now, mine is so high...idk what to do....the other issue is no one wants me
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I only read the OP. I'm sure you've had other replies saying a lot of this stuff but I'll mention what comes to my mind anyway.
For me libido involves so many complicated things, for example, right now I've got some stuff going on with my job that requires a lot of mental energy so I have zero drive. I also have zero drive sometimes from medications I use as needed, enough too much caffeine can kill it for me. "Dieting" also kills my libido but I think I'm in the minority there.
So, if you have any specific stress, change to your diet, any medications (especially birth control, if you're using one, I've included more on that below), supplements or anything else that you think might be throwing you off look into it. I mean really analyze everything you do.
One of the things I've experienced that caused me (and friends of mine) the worst problems with sex drive is birth control. Any hormonal birth control can mess you up in that way, even if you had been taking it with no issues at first. BC like depo-provera, norplant or any Progestin only solution tend to have the potential to cause the most problems.0 -
Talk to your doctor. Could be a hormone imbalance.2
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strebor337 wrote: »Honestly I can't really offer an unbiased response on this topic. I've been dealing with this in my marriage for years and it sucks. I don't want to be mean or harsh because I know that when you don't want it you just don't want it, but I feel really strongly that you have to make sure that you figure out some other way to express affection for your partner and make sure that their emotional needs are being met.
Alright, I have to throw it out there though - since when does sex equal emotional needs? Because men can behave like jerks then except sex, and it couldn't be farther from 'emotion'. I'd even go as far as to say that, as far as I'm concerned, if THEY meet my emotional needs, I'll be more likely to be willing to have sex.
Sex is just one part of meeting emotional needs. It is a bonding experience in which couples demonstrate their love and desire for each other. It's not everything, nor is it unimportant. I mean if you've been married a while you know how many different things contribute to meeting each other's emotional needs and how complex the interactions are between all those things.1 -
Been married for 13 years. We have sex maybe twice a year. I'm just not into it anymore... I know my husband isn't happy but it's just really uncomfortable for me to force myself to do it. Losing weight didn't change anything (except make it harder for him probably).
Honestly though, it doesn't help that I'm a SAHM and with kids over me all day the last thing I want is being touched. And to be fair, I'm not really attracted by my husband anymore either.. so it doesn't really help... but I was never really into sex in the first place, truth be told.
But if he has sex outside of your marriage, he's the bad guy, right???
Honestly? I wouldn't care.
Why are you two still married? Just asking
I'm a SAHM and I don't have any money. But we get along well (usually). We bicker a lot about things but I suppose that's normal after almost 15 years together. It's just that the spark has been gone for a while for me.. and we don't connect emotionally much anymore either (too tired at night, he gets home and does his things, the only thing we do together is watching TV)... so that really doesn't make me want to have sex (oh hi honey, I haven't really talked to you in ages but can we have sex? No thank you).
I just don't think it's that uncommon when you've been together for such a long time and have kids. But it's not like I'd be interested in having sex elsewhere either... Personally, I need those 'emotional needs' met before even thinking about sex. I need the connection. It just hasn't been there in a long time.
The bottom line though... I'm not sure it would be different with someone else. Even if I had money to move, met someone else, who knows that it wouldn't be the same after 15 years too?
I think you just revealed the problem. You are not happy in the relationship right now. It is difficult to desire sex with someone you are not happy with. How about couples counseling?0 -
Small children never created problems for me... If anything it forced things to get more fun and creative. Like if you want some you got about 15 mins to get in here and take it because when Elmo's over you lost your chance! I think it's just different with everybody. The only time I noticed my drive going away is when our marriage went downhill due to his infidelities.0
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Glad to hear things are better! Getting fit and being active definitely increases sex drive. And anything that makes you feel alive. Good idea about going on a trip together! That will be great.
Having kids didn't decrease my sex drive. We couldn't go out as much when they were little. I had my excitement at home at night with my husband. And they were asleep and tiny and had no idea what was going on in the house. But, I have always had a high sex drive.1 -
Mine is in overdrive!0
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