Did you lose your Lover/Spouse/S.O AFTER you loss weight???
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bearbugbear wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »bearbugbear wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »bearbugbear wrote: »I really hoped losing weight would make me more attractive to my husband but it hasn't helped. He's not the only reason I'm losing but I'm heartbroken it hasn't worked. I just want to be desired by him.
I don't know how I overlooked this. This tugged at my heartstrings. The first thing that came to my mind was for you to pray for your husband. Continue your weightloss journey (because staying focused on a goal is sexy in itself). But there could be other demanding issues that he is dealing with (finances, job, kids, etc.) that could affect him and come off as him not being attracted to you! Build your confidence, self worth and self esteem. Hugs!
Thank you for your kind words. Sadly he's just not attracted to me, he told me recently that he never desired me (even when we met before three children and weight gain) I'm devastated but I'm determined to reach my goal, 24lbs to go to healthy weight on bmi, I want to be healthy and a good role model for my children and to feel better about myself even if I can't be sexy for my husband.
This is very hard to read. I'm confused as to why he would marry you if he didn't find you attractive. That was really mean of him to say. Hang in there Hun and continue your mission of being a awesome Role Model to your kids.
He has recently told me he is asexual. He loves me but doesn't desire me. He thinks I'm attractive but in a platonic way. I'm so sad about it but it explains a lot over the years. We are definitely at a crossroads in our relationship and I'm not at all sure it will survive. Losing weight hasn't helped but then, it wouldn't, but that's what he told me before he confessed to his asexuality. He married me because he loved me in his way and wanted a family. Thank you for the support, I appreciate it, I can do with all the support I can get, after all, who can I talk to in real life about it!
That's hard. I'm sorry you're going through it.
There were an unusual number of asexuals on my wedding forum a couple of years back, and they were marrying people who weren't asexual. They had a lot of structure in place as for how they'd get past the sex/desire issue. Love can definitely be intimate without involving physicality, and they'd learned to express and share intimacy. They respected their partners' needs to be physically validated and would tell them they were attractive - because they were attracted to these people in non-sexual way, they weren't lying, and they could still appreciate the aesthetics of the human body or the time and effort it took to dress up for dinner. Some had open relationships. Some had negotiations about the frequency of sex, understanding that while they had no desire for it, their partners needed it.
If you and your husband are going to work through this, I'd suggest you discuss with him how you guys can maintain intimacy without being sexual, and how you can stay sexually satisfied if he has no interest. Good luck
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bearbugbear wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »bearbugbear wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »bearbugbear wrote: »I really hoped losing weight would make me more attractive to my husband but it hasn't helped. He's not the only reason I'm losing but I'm heartbroken it hasn't worked. I just want to be desired by him.
I don't know how I overlooked this. This tugged at my heartstrings. The first thing that came to my mind was for you to pray for your husband. Continue your weightloss journey (because staying focused on a goal is sexy in itself). But there could be other demanding issues that he is dealing with (finances, job, kids, etc.) that could affect him and come off as him not being attracted to you! Build your confidence, self worth and self esteem. Hugs!
Thank you for your kind words. Sadly he's just not attracted to me, he told me recently that he never desired me (even when we met before three children and weight gain) I'm devastated but I'm determined to reach my goal, 24lbs to go to healthy weight on bmi, I want to be healthy and a good role model for my children and to feel better about myself even if I can't be sexy for my husband.
This is very hard to read. I'm confused as to why he would marry you if he didn't find you attractive. That was really mean of him to say. Hang in there Hun and continue your mission of being a awesome Role Model to your kids.
He has recently told me he is asexual. He loves me but doesn't desire me. He thinks I'm attractive but in a platonic way. I'm so sad about it but it explains a lot over the years. We are definitely at a crossroads in our relationship and I'm not at all sure it will survive. Losing weight hasn't helped but then, it wouldn't, but that's what he told me before he confessed to his asexuality. He married me because he loved me in his way and wanted a family. Thank you for the support, I appreciate it, I can do with all the support I can get, after all, who can I talk to in real life about it!
Sorry that's abusive. He should not have married you if he wasn't attracted to you, period. And he could at least discussed it with you before he asked you. He married you for selfish reasons and didn't think how it would affect you. I'm sorry.2 -
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KevinPsalm23v4 wrote: »Kind of a polar opposite. I'm going through a divorce NOW because I gained too much weight for her standard and she got a boyfriend who was younger, skinnier and better in bed......as so I was told.
waiting for someone to call this "abusive" . . .4 -
Geez. I'm sorry to hear this. That was pretty cold. Damn.KevinPsalm23v4 wrote: »Kind of a polar opposite. I'm going through a divorce NOW because I gained too much weight for her standard and she got a boyfriend who was younger, skinnier and better in bed......as so I was told.
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I didn't know what asexual was until this post. I hate to say this, but I think it is very selfish of him to marry you knowing he knew he was asexual. You are in a marriage and ultimately you will have to figure out if being in this marriage for the long haul will give you joy and peace, or like the OP stated, figure out a way to get intimacy out of your marriage that is satisfying to you. And although you might want to be desirable to him, focus on getting to a place where you are truly happy internally. You can only control you, not someone else. But again, I am sending you plenty of internet hugs! Oh, and I am happy that you were able to get that off your chest here.bearbugbear wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »bearbugbear wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »bearbugbear wrote: »I really hoped losing weight would make me more attractive to my husband but it hasn't helped. He's not the only reason I'm losing but I'm heartbroken it hasn't worked. I just want to be desired by him.
I don't know how I overlooked this. This tugged at my heartstrings. The first thing that came to my mind was for you to pray for your husband. Continue your weightloss journey (because staying focused on a goal is sexy in itself). But there could be other demanding issues that he is dealing with (finances, job, kids, etc.) that could affect him and come off as him not being attracted to you! Build your confidence, self worth and self esteem. Hugs!
Thank you for your kind words. Sadly he's just not attracted to me, he told me recently that he never desired me (even when we met before three children and weight gain) I'm devastated but I'm determined to reach my goal, 24lbs to go to healthy weight on bmi, I want to be healthy and a good role model for my children and to feel better about myself even if I can't be sexy for my husband.
This is very hard to read. I'm confused as to why he would marry you if he didn't find you attractive. That was really mean of him to say. Hang in there Hun and continue your mission of being a awesome Role Model to your kids.
He has recently told me he is asexual. He loves me but doesn't desire me. He thinks I'm attractive but in a platonic way. I'm so sad about it but it explains a lot over the years. We are definitely at a crossroads in our relationship and I'm not at all sure it will survive. Losing weight hasn't helped but then, it wouldn't, but that's what he told me before he confessed to his asexuality. He married me because he loved me in his way and wanted a family. Thank you for the support, I appreciate it, I can do with all the support I can get, after all, who can I talk to in real life about it!
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Thank you STLBADGIRL I didn't know what it was before he told me either. I appreciate the support here, that's really kind.0
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KevinPsalm23v4 wrote: »Kind of a polar opposite. I'm going through a divorce NOW because I gained too much weight for her standard and she got a boyfriend who was younger, skinnier and better in bed......as so I was told.
How are you feeling Kevin? I'm sorry this happened to you.
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Hello All - I'm back to check on everyone's well being! Stay strong, stay on the grind, keep your goals and most def. keep the hustle in you to attack your weight loss and overall personal goals! Goooooooooo get'em!!!
@bearbugbear - Keep your head up, stay in the game, no matter the situation! Choose joy and healthy decisions!
@KevinPsalm23v4 - Thinking about you buddy! People say and do mean things. But you can only control you and your thoughts. Don't let someone else's negative views penetrate. Stay in the game. Keep improving yourself and attacking your goals!2 -
i left my ex after i lost weight. but it had nothing to do with my weight - it had to do with him being an abusive, controlling, manipulative, sociopathic *kitten*.5
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callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »i left my ex after i lost weight. but it had nothing to do with my weight - it had to do with him being an abusive, controlling, manipulative, sociopathic *kitten*.
Wow! But kudos for you for recognizing it and choosing a better path for yourself! Hurt people hurt people...0 -
my ex left me for stupid reasons but is now asking to come back home. im so not looking forward to dating and haven't had success finding anyone new so maybe ill let her back home and fake my way through the rest of my days... this is miserable!0
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Is this ex the same one that left after 19 years of marriage?brianbgboy wrote: »my ex left me for stupid reasons but is now asking to come back home. im so not looking forward to dating and haven't had success finding anyone new so maybe ill let her back home and fake my way through the rest of my days... this is miserable!
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yep. that's the one...0
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Yeahhhh this is happening currently now.... Hates "who I've become" I'm the same guy just eat different and work out3
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I know what you mean! its just crazy!jayhelm078 wrote: »Yeahhhh this is happening currently now.... Hates "who I've become" I'm the same guy just eat different and work out
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This makes me sad. I hope my relationship gets better after my weightloss journey!1
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I hope it does for you as well! I thought it would for me but after 19 years, I lost over 200 lbs and poof, she left me...saraht4392 wrote: »This makes me sad. I hope my relationship gets better after my weightloss journey!
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brianbgboy wrote: »my ex left me for stupid reasons but is now asking to come back home. im so not looking forward to dating and haven't had success finding anyone new so maybe ill let her back home and fake my way through the rest of my days... this is miserable!
Well, do you love her?1 -
I will always love her as we have a son together. just not in love with her after all this...4
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brianbgboy wrote: »I will always love her as we have a son together. just not in love with her after all this...
Then you have your answer. You're better off alone!5 -
brianbgboy wrote: »I will always love her as we have a son together. just not in love with her after all this...
I don't know what will change. You are going to STILL continue you your healthy lifestyle, and if she hasn't dealt with her own issues, she is going to STILL be jealous or rebellious. Plus if you are just dealing with her because you haven't found the "right" one, then I believe you are setting yourself up! The ball is in your court, I would have a really deep conversation with her before I would allow myself in that situation again. Think about it!3 -
Did you lose your Lover/Spouse/S.O AFTER you loss weight???
No, they just send suggestive messages, then nudes, then cyber (kik or snap) with other people on MFP, fand inally have to delete their account and reappear as just fitness folks in a new account.2 -
I'm starting to get an unsettling feeling that this is going to happen to me down the road as I watch them do nothing but come home from work and watch six hours of TV and snack while I head out on my bike, hike with the dogs, etc. I hope not, though, but can't be a nag because each person has to decide to become healthy for themselves before they can realize they're also doing it for others.2
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Oh my. I would love to hear more about this... WowDid you lose your Lover/Spouse/S.O AFTER you loss weight???
No, they just send suggestive messages, then nudes, then cyber (kik or snap) with other people on MFP, fand inally have to delete their account and reappear as just fitness folks in a new account.
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I'm starting to get an unsettling feeling that this is going to happen to me down the road as I watch them do nothing but come home from work and watch six hours of TV and snack while I head out on my bike, hike with the dogs, etc. I hope not, though, but can't be a nag because each person has to decide to become healthy for themselves before they can realize they're also doing it for others.I'm starting to get an unsettling feeling that this is going to happen to me down the road as I watch them do nothing but come home from work and watch six hours of TV and snack while I head out on my bike, hike with the dogs, etc. I hope not, though, but can't be a nag because each person has to decide to become healthy for themselves before they can realize they're also doing it for others.
I hope this doesn't happen to you. Hopefully they will see the good and jump on board. And you are right, being healthy isn't just for yourself, it's for your family as well...0 -
brianbgboy wrote: »I will always love her as we have a son together. just not in love with her after all this...
Do not settle. You are worth more than that. Be happy, be healthy, be by yourself and the other things will fall into place. Don't settle for not in love when madly in love could be around the corner.
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GOD I HOPE SO! this has been so hard to overcome and im a strong guy! ill hang in there and hope to find that special person!brianbgboy wrote: »I will always love her as we have a son together. just not in love with her after all this...
Do not settle. You are worth more than that. Be happy, be healthy, be by yourself and the other things will fall into place. Don't settle for not in love when madly in love could be around the corner.
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brianbgboy wrote: »I will always love her as we have a son together. just not in love with her after all this...
Do not settle. You are worth more than that. Be happy, be healthy, be by yourself and the other things will fall into place. Don't settle for not in love when madly in love could be around the corner.
Yasssss! Say that. I couldn't have worded it better!2 -
brianbgboy wrote: »
GOD I HOPE SO! this has been so hard to overcome and im a strong guy! ill hang in there and hope to find that special person!brianbgboy wrote: »I will always love her as we have a son together. just not in love with her after all this...
Do not settle. You are worth more than that. Be happy, be healthy, be by yourself and the other things will fall into place. Don't settle for not in love when madly in love could be around the corner.
Yay! I think you will find that person. And there would be nothing worse than faking it with someone you don't love. What a waste of two lives.2
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