my husband thinks that I am ungrateful

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  • Sued0nim
    Sued0nim Posts: 17,456 Member
    edited October 2016
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    snickerscharlie wrote: »
    Sued0nim wrote: »
    snickerscharlie wrote: »
    Sued0nim wrote: »
    snickerscharlie wrote: »
    My husband always calls me on his way home from work to see if we need anything from the store. You know, milk, cream, bread, etc. He would also sometimes pick up a chocolate bar for me as a treat - one of the many ways he has of showing he loves me and is thinking of me.

    When I went on my diet last year (and lost 75 lbs) I asked him not to pick me up a chocolate bar anymore unless I asked him for one.

    He bought them for me because he loves me. He stopped buying them for me because he loves me. <3

    Communication is key. :)

    You found a man who listens the first time you tell him something

    And takes it in?

    Wha? Where?

    :bigsmile:

    I shopped around.

    A lot. :)

    Ahhh

    I always used to enjoy ...shopping

    It was mostly window shopping, mind you. Not like I took them all home, tried them on and then returned them the next day.

    You can learn a lot about whether they will suit you or not while they're still in the store. ;)

    Whoops. Forgot where I was posting for a minute. Scrubs slightly risqué joke

    But boy, take it from me, that was funny :wink:
  • tmoneyag99
    tmoneyag99 Posts: 480 Member
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    Sometimes it's about the delivery regarding your response.

    When this happens with my husband I always make a big deal about how I appreaciate his thoughtfulness and then gently explain "I can't have these right now/Ever again. I know you thought I would like them but in the future can you help me with my diet by sticking to non-food gifts"


    It's not his fault you want to lose weight and change your habits. Sometimes people go to "She loves chocolate, She's been doing so well, I'll give her a treat. She'll love me for it" And you expected he would remember your goals.

    Your expectations were misaligned and both of you were disappointed when your expectations remained unmet. In the future you can avoid this by ensuring everyone is on the same page.

  • PaulaWallaDingDong
    PaulaWallaDingDong Posts: 4,641 Member
    edited October 2016
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    _dracarys_ wrote: »
    PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »
    _dracarys_ wrote: »
    PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »
    nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »
    You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!

    I can't wait to use this advice on my infant niece when she starts learning to walk. "If you're still reaching to the coffee table, you're not ready."

    Someone whose brain isn't fully developed vs. someone whose is...hmmmm
    Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »
    PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »
    nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »
    You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!

    I can't wait to use this advice on my infant niece when she starts learning to walk. "If you're still reaching to the coffee table, you're not ready."

    So now a baby reaching a developmental milestone is equivalent to someone being unable to stop thenselves stuffing their face with chocolate? Just no.

    Obviously, someone with no control over their chocolate moderation has developmental milestones to reach. Just because it's character development vs. neurological development doesn't mean it isn't development. Just because someone is grown, that doesn't mean they don't still have growing to do. Everyone who has trouble losing weight faces a similar issue. What I'm saying, and what others have already said in response to that same comment, is that just because you haven't overcome every hurdle, that doesn't mean you can't continue making progress losing weight. Saying she isn't ready is absurd.

    But your niece can't walk yet because she hasn't grown and developed to be able to do so. Therefore, she's not ready. For the OP, who still needs to grow and develop a better relationship with food, by your logic she isn't ready either.

    Someone who shoves 15 pieces of chocolate into his/her mouth to spite a spouse does not sound like someone willing to accept responsibility and be accountable for his/her own body. She blamed him for her actions. So yes, I agree there needs to be some growth and development, but it doesn't sound like she's ready for that.

    You missed my point. Maybe the sarcasm didn't come across? My niece will be perfectly ready to start making progress in learning to walk as soon as she starts trying to stand, whether assisted or not. The OP is perfectly ready to lose weight as long as she has an idea of how to get moving in the right direction. Just because she hasn't learned how to control herself around chocolate, or how to advise someone about what types of gifts are appropriate for her goals, that doesn't mean she can't be down 10 or 15 lbs in a month (ETA I don't know her stats and goals. Just throwing out numbers) just by waking up each morning (or at least most mornings) and resolving to making good choices that day.
  • stealthq
    stealthq Posts: 4,298 Member
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    _dracarys_ wrote: »
    PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »
    _dracarys_ wrote: »
    PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »
    nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »
    You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!

    I can't wait to use this advice on my infant niece when she starts learning to walk. "If you're still reaching to the coffee table, you're not ready."

    Someone whose brain isn't fully developed vs. someone whose is...hmmmm
    Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »
    PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »
    nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »
    You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!

    I can't wait to use this advice on my infant niece when she starts learning to walk. "If you're still reaching to the coffee table, you're not ready."

    So now a baby reaching a developmental milestone is equivalent to someone being unable to stop thenselves stuffing their face with chocolate? Just no.

    Obviously, someone with no control over their chocolate moderation has developmental milestones to reach. Just because it's character development vs. neurological development doesn't mean it isn't development. Just because someone is grown, that doesn't mean they don't still have growing to do. Everyone who has trouble losing weight faces a similar issue. What I'm saying, and what others have already said in response to that same comment, is that just because you haven't overcome every hurdle, that doesn't mean you can't continue making progress losing weight. Saying she isn't ready is absurd.

    But your niece can't walk yet because she hasn't grown and developed to be able to do so. Therefore, she's not ready. For the OP, who still needs to grow and develop a better relationship with food, by your logic she isn't ready either.

    Someone who shoves 15 pieces of chocolate into his/her mouth to spite a spouse does not sound like someone willing to accept responsibility and be accountable for his/her own body. She blamed him for her actions. So yes, I agree there needs to be some growth and development, but it doesn't sound like she's ready for that.

    Agree with everything except the bolded.

    OP didn't say anything to indicate it was out of spite. She did say that if she has one chocolate she eats the box, so it sounds as though she fell back into a well-established behaviour pattern and is now upset at herself for doing so and her husband and stepmother for putting her in that position. But that's after the fact.

    OP, if you're still reading, you might benefit from looking into techniques to break habits. Often, 'eat one and feel the need to eat them all' isn't really because you love the chocolate that much. It's because you have a tendency to do what you've always done. And in this case the habit is immediately reinforced by the taste of yummy chocolate. The negative long term consequences aren't enough to counter that for you, so you need to take additional steps to condition a new behaviour.
  • CattOfTheGarage
    CattOfTheGarage Posts: 2,750 Member
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    Slightly puzzled by the line of argument that says we're not ready to start losing weight until we can control our eating perfectly.

    That strikes me as daft, but a lot of people seem to be taking it seriously. Really?
  • KombuchaKat
    KombuchaKat Posts: 134 Member
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    Does he give you chocolates every other day or is this a once a year/every few month occurrence? Honestly if it's the latter I wouldn't say anything, it's your problem, not his. Really either way that's the case, you can't expect him to anticipate what is or is not going to "derail" your weight loss. Accept the nice gift and if it's really that big a deal bring them in to work or something and share them.
  • KombuchaKat
    KombuchaKat Posts: 134 Member
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    cityruss wrote: »
    Guerdi wrote: »
    Girl, just say NO!! That's called sabotage! Maybe he thinks if you lose weight you will not want him anymore - try to encourage him and let him know this will give you "more energy" to enjoy him even more....he'll like that!!

    Yeah, evil man devil!!!

    Or maybe he bought his wife some chocolates for her birthday, which could have been consumed in moderation.

    I have to agree. I seriously doubt that her husband intended to sabotage anything. It's temping to transfer your own insecurities and food issues onto the behavior of others. Lord knows I've had those thoughts! My husband is skinny as a rail no matter what he eats...how could I not keep from being a little resentful even though I know that's wrong? But it's not up to him to change MY body or MY food issues.
  • gillie80
    gillie80 Posts: 214 Member
    edited October 2016
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    Learning to control ourselves around food is all part of the journey imo. it's through realisation and learning that we lose. if we were all perfect around food there would be significantly less obese people. i know personally, a lot of my own weight issues have been around self-control and portion control. like OP i cant just eat one chocolate, or 1 jaffa cake, though i'm learning now, through logging these foods, how to eat in moderation as i am more aware of the caloric and nutritional content (or lack thereof) of these foods. you are ready to lose weight when you are ready to make lifestyle and choice changes, not when you can eat perfectly.

    OP being only a few weeks into your journey don't be too hard on either yourself of your husband. i would honestly just say thank you, and ask next time for some flowers or your favourite perfume.
  • kgirlhart
    kgirlhart Posts: 4,981 Member
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    OP, I do think you may have overreacted a little. You are two weeks into this and it is your birthday. I do think that your husband needs to realize and respect that now that you are watching what you eat and limiting your calories that you don't want trigger foods around. But I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt in this instance. You could have eaten one chocolate and then frozen the rest, or taken them to work and shared them with co-workers or even thrown them away without his knowledge if that is what you needed to do to. I think it is a little early to be accusing him of sabotage. If he starts bringing you chocolates once a week or daily when you have asked him not to then that is a different story. But your birthday only happens once a year and I think it would have just been nice to say thank you. Later on you could have privately had a conversation about how you appreciated the thought next time you would prefer if he just brought flowers or whatever instead of chocolates.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
    edited October 2016
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    CattOfTheGarage wrote: »
    Slightly puzzled by the line of argument that says we're not ready to start losing weight until we can control our eating perfectly.

    That strikes me as daft, but a lot of people seem to be taking it seriously. Really?

    I don't see where anyone said the bold part. Starting is rarely the issue; it's continuing. There has to be some level of discipline and self control involved in that.
  • CattOfTheGarage
    CattOfTheGarage Posts: 2,750 Member
    edited October 2016
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    nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »
    You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!

    There's where someone said it. And surprisingly, when they were challenged, other people started arguing in favour. That's why I was puzzled.
  • Aaron_K123
    Aaron_K123 Posts: 7,122 Member
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    paperpudding wrote: »
    nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »
    You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!

    That seems a really silly POV to me

    Some people are ready to resist everything and others need to make baby steps getting toward that - or they have some foods which are always triggers to them and they are better off not having them in the house at all ( and nicely asking spouses to buy alternative gifts next time)

    having great will power is not a goal in itself - finding a way to manage your lack of will power (eg by not having boxes of chocolates in the house) is the better approach for some people.

    I disagree. Having great willpower is what makes losing weight easier. If you don't have great willpower, you should probably take steps to improve your willpower as it will benefit you greatly...not only in weightloss either but in life. In a way, taking steps to improve your willpower will better benefit your health and wellbeing than losing weight in and of itself.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,372 Member
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    Aaron_K123 wrote: »
    paperpudding wrote: »
    nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »
    You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!

    That seems a really silly POV to me

    Some people are ready to resist everything and others need to make baby steps getting toward that - or they have some foods which are always triggers to them and they are better off not having them in the house at all ( and nicely asking spouses to buy alternative gifts next time)

    having great will power is not a goal in itself - finding a way to manage your lack of will power (eg by not having boxes of chocolates in the house) is the better approach for some people.

    I disagree. Having great willpower is what makes losing weight easier. If you don't have great willpower, you should probably take steps to improve your willpower as it will benefit you greatly...not only in weightloss either but in life. In a way, taking steps to improve your willpower will better benefit your health and wellbeing than losing weight in and of itself.

    Agreed but it's easier said than done! Or everyone would be thin...
  • lemurcat12
    lemurcat12 Posts: 30,886 Member
    edited October 2016
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    CattOfTheGarage wrote: »
    Slightly puzzled by the line of argument that says we're not ready to start losing weight until we can control our eating perfectly.

    That strikes me as daft, but a lot of people seem to be taking it seriously. Really?

    Again, I don't think this was the point. I think the point was that if you don't take responsibility but are going to blame others for your choice to overeat, you aren't ready. There's always going to be some temptation -- someone asking me if I want to split an order of truffle fries and me saying yes doesn't mean that person "sabotaged" me or caused me to eat more than intended.

    I think OP may be getting her original post read through some of the later posts, though. However, this is what I thought the comment referred to, not that if you ever screw up and aren't perfect you aren't ready (obviously that's not so).

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