Ladies - Receiving Unwanted "Attention"

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Replies

  • canadianlbs
    canadianlbs Posts: 5,199 Member
    Goober1142 wrote: »
    Have you ever noticed that the young, good.looking ones never give you any trouble lol

    no, actually. unless 'dickhead' is a demographic i've not heard about, i've never found that demographics predicts very much.
  • Bluebell2325
    Bluebell2325 Posts: 103 Member
    edited August 2017
    You don't want my pity, but that is what I'm feeling reading all this. Is this a city thing? I live quite rurally and many friends think I should be afraid to go out on my own when there might be "strangers in vans", etc. The reality is if there's any "weirdos" out there it's most likely going to be me in my Lycra running with my headtorch on (try it, very liberating). I always say hi and wave at folk I meet, be it walkers, cyclists, drivers, farmers herding cattle, and I generally get a hi or a wave back. In the 7 years I've been running I've had one "stranger in a van" wind the window down and shout "nice *kitten*", I don't know whether he was being serious, winding me up or that was the only way he knew how to say hi. I just said thanks and gave him the normal (thanks for not running me over) wave I give everyone. It really is sad if there's folk feeling threatened. Or worse, actually being threatened.
  • Machka9
    Machka9 Posts: 25,592 Member
    Some of experiences have been rural.

    In one case I was cycling along when a pick-up passed me. No big deal, lots of vehicles go by. But moments later, there he was by the side of the road with the hood up and doing some tinkering. Again, no big deal. It happens. I went around and kept cycling ... and he passed me again. That's fine, he must have fixed whatever it was. And then, there he was pulled over again but just sitting in the vehicle this time. I went by ... he went by ... and there he was sitting by the side of the road again.

    By now, I was starting to get a bit suspicious.

    I went by ... and this time he pulled up along side me and started to slowly edge me toward the ditch. He rolled down his window and asked me if I needed a ride. "No". "Are you sure, you look like you need a ride." "No." Still edging me closer and closer to the ditch. "Get in the truck" ... and at this point I screamed "NO!!!" at the top of my lungs and kicked his door, then stopped suddenly so that he went past me and I was behind him.

    At that point another vehicle appeared, driving somewhat more slowly, and he drove off. I didn't see him again ... but my father joined me on all my rides in that area after that.


    In a different location, I had just left city limits on a quiet country road, when someone tried to ride up beside me and smack me on the butt. He missed and nearly fell out of his car window.


    In the city, twice I've had people drive up behind me and deliberately open their doors. Both times I heard the door click and dashed up onto the sidewalk out of the way.


    And I've lost count of the number of times I've been yelled at either in the "catcall" or "get off the road" manner (and/or had things thrown at me or people reaching out their cars to try to grab me or hit me or whatever) both within a city and in the country ... in numerous different countries, and numerous different areas of those countries.

    It's a really good ride when I finish up with no incidents. Fortunately of the thousands of rides I've done, most are good.
  • Bluebell2325
    Bluebell2325 Posts: 103 Member
    That is horrifying, I can't understand why folk can't just be nice/normal to one another. Do you carry anything? Alarm? Pepper spray? Not as easy to discreetly hide in your bra / knicker elastic as a front door key.
  • Machka9
    Machka9 Posts: 25,592 Member
    That is horrifying, I can't understand why folk can't just be nice/normal to one another. Do you carry anything? Alarm? Pepper spray? Not as easy to discreetly hide in your bra / knicker elastic as a front door key.

    When I've cycled alone in Canada I've carried pepper spray in my handlebar bag. Here in Australia, I usually cycle with my husband but if I do go alone, I stick to fairly well travelled routes so I'm not out there completely by myself ... there are witnesses.

    I also let my husband know when I've started the ride, and text him at points during the ride to let him know where I am and that I'm OK.
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  • Rosemary7391
    Rosemary7391 Posts: 232 Member
    I'm pretty sure it isn't legal to carry pepper spray in the UK - classed as a firearm? And really, I wouldn't want to.

    Have any of these incidents been reported to the police? Especially the ones involving vehicles - if you can get the plate number (appreciate not always possible) then they're quite identifiable... Even if they just send a stern letter then that might put some of the idiots off? Would be good to know what is recommended. Especially in cases where folks on the public road attempt to touch/hit a cyclist, that's just asking for a nasty traffic accident at best and I can't imagine that the police wouldn't at least take details, and take action for multiple reports.
  • Rosemary7391
    Rosemary7391 Posts: 232 Member
    Machka9 wrote: »
    I'm pretty sure it isn't legal to carry pepper spray in the UK - classed as a firearm? And really, I wouldn't want to.

    Have any of these incidents been reported to the police? Especially the ones involving vehicles - if you can get the plate number (appreciate not always possible) then they're quite identifiable... Even if they just send a stern letter then that might put some of the idiots off? Would be good to know what is recommended. Especially in cases where folks on the public road attempt to touch/hit a cyclist, that's just asking for a nasty traffic accident at best and I can't imagine that the police wouldn't at least take details, and take action for multiple reports.

    The kind of pepper spray I had was more for animals than humans (found in mountain hiking stores and the like), and I never used it.

    As for getting plate numbers, that is more difficult than you'd imagine. You're not really expecting anything, and then something happens and your brain goes into fight or flight mode: "How do I get out of this situation?" and you're focusing on that ... and then they drive off and by the time you think, "I've got to get their plate number!", they're gone.

    Some cyclists ride with gopro cameras to catch the people on camera. Sometimes that seems to help.

    I've never seen pepper spray in a hiking store - but we don't have animals like that here either!

    Yeah, I know it isn't gonna be easy to get the plate number. Just wondering really if anyone had ever spoken to the police about these incidents.
  • vespiquenn
    vespiquenn Posts: 1,455 Member
    I have never been severely overweight, but I noticed something strange happening as I lost vanity weight and gained confidence.

    When I was horribly shy, I never was approached. In hindsight, this surprised me because I appeared that I could easily be victimized due to a fear of speaking out or creating conflict.

    As I gained confidence, I started to be a bit more.. abrasive I guess for lack of better term. I became less afraid of eye contact, having RBF, or calling people out on poor behavior. This is when a lot of my sexual harassment began. One time in particular, I had a male continuously bother me all night, even when I told him to screw off and shut his mouth. Apparently this was a challenge to him because when he went to leave that night, he came up behind me, whispered in my ear that he'd be seeing me later, and proceeded to reach around and assault me. The real kicker? My husband was right next to me. I had to push my extremely non-confrontational husband down in a chair to stop him from going after the guy. Unfortunately, that's just one story in recent years.

    I guess the moral of my experience is that it doesn't matter how you carry yourself sometimes. Some men and females are just out there to gain control.
  • 7elizamae
    7elizamae Posts: 758 Member
    I'm pretty sure it isn't legal to carry pepper spray in the UK - classed as a firearm? And really, I wouldn't want to.

    Wow. I did not know that. I'm a big fan of all things British, but boy am I glad to live in the USA if it isn't legal to carry pepper spray in the UK.
    I'd call a canister of pepper spray a minimum level of self defense. Why would it be illegal? It's not lethal, like a gun can be...
  • Christine_72
    Christine_72 Posts: 16,049 Member
    7elizamae wrote: »
    I'm pretty sure it isn't legal to carry pepper spray in the UK - classed as a firearm? And really, I wouldn't want to.

    Wow. I did not know that. I'm a big fan of all things British, but boy am I glad to live in the USA if it isn't legal to carry pepper spray in the UK.
    I'd call a canister of pepper spray a minimum level of self defense. Why would it be illegal? It's not lethal, like a gun can be...

    Pepper spray, guns or any weapon is banned in Australia too. I think farmers are allowed to have rifles, not 100% sure on that one?? I've never even seen a gun in real life. The only people who are legally allowed to carry a hand gun are cops.
  • GemstoneofHeart
    GemstoneofHeart Posts: 865 Member
    I'm with you girl. I was obese for quite some time and forgot what it was like to get a lot of attention from the general male population. Since losing 40 pounds, I get some sort of annoying encounter almost every time I go running. I run in my neighborhood so I'm not even in "public" like at a park, but my neighborhood is still being developed so there is a lot of traffic just looking at the new houses or lots.
    Since I run almost every day, I am very familiar with the people and cars in my neighborhood. I was pushing the stroller and I see a car I've never seen before with the windows down blaring music with two men in the car. They pull up behind me and just drive slowly behind me down an entire street!!!! I called my husband to drive over and he parked up ahead of me, got out, started kissing me, and the car pulled in a driveway and turned around quickly!
    It was quite funny but it was also scary...
    I'm just trying to exercise, I don't want any attention from ANYONE!!
  • jdlobb
    jdlobb Posts: 1,232 Member
    edited August 2017
    BPRKEY wrote: »
    You have ZERO responsibility to do anything so that you won't be harassed. ZERO. One more time for the people in the back, ZERO. We are not wolves. We are human beings with an ability to control ourselves. Those men are the ones that need to adjust their behavior. We're evolved enough to know the difference between a compliment and harassment. It's happened to me too. It's not you it's them.

    Amen.

    This is a problem with my gender, not yours


  • GemstoneofHeart
    GemstoneofHeart Posts: 865 Member
    I called my husband to drive over and he parked up ahead of me, got out, started kissing me, and the car pulled in a driveway and turned around quickly!

    i get why this is funny in a way that is 'on' the creepers, but i always hate this kind of story (nothing personal here). it's basically 'ha ha, they ran off when they realised i was already some other guy's property'.

    like, i've never known why that's a victory. i don't want to be 'property'. i'm not interested in being the non-agent object in some stupid turf war between stupid men, and i *kitten* HATE the fact that men who won't leave you alone when it's 'just' your own personal preference that they should leave you alone . . . will go ahead and leave you alone because some other guy wants them to leave you alone.

    i mean, what's the message here? 'we don't give a damn what YOU want, because you don't have a voice. but glob forbid we step on another guy's turf'.

    But when someone is harassing you with your child present, you need backup. So that's what I did. I can't flip off or yell an expletive with my toddler there.
  • BPRKEY
    BPRKEY Posts: 105 Member
    I think it's probably that they have been subjected to all of the examples we're sharing and are responding with defense (some here have even suggested that's what we should do). I think you're good. That's polite and appropriate. Just know that there is a very good chance the guy that just past her called her "hot lips" and when she complained he called her a "*kitten*". But you are not doing anything wrong.
    JetJaguar wrote: »
    I have an etiquette question. When I'm out running or on the bike and pass another runner/cyclist coming in the opposite direction, I'll give a little head nod and sometimes maybe a "hey". I do the exact same for men and women and always thought it was just a polite acknowledgement that doesn't really mean anything. Men almost always return the nod, but lately I've come to notice that often women either just keep focused straight ahead and completely ignore it, or (occasionally) give me a hard, "don't *kitten* with me or I'll cut you" staredown.

    So, is that harassment? Should I stop doing that? Maybe only acknowledge men and ignore women?

  • canadianlbs
    canadianlbs Posts: 5,199 Member
    But when someone is harassing you with your child present, you need backup. So that's what I did. I can't flip off or yell an expletive with my toddler there.

    oh sure. i get that you do what you need to do. i'm just saying that i don't think of it as a 'victory'. it's just 'do what you need to do'.

    i commented because so many of the times i hear stories with that kind of ending it does feel like the teller thinks she scored some kind of point and somehow 'fixed' the whole problem with it. my own feeling is that deals with the immediate symptom but it still panders to the whole mental disease of 'women aren't real people who have their own rights'.

  • 7elizamae
    7elizamae Posts: 758 Member
    XLombardX wrote: »


    Wow. I did not know that. I'm a big fan of all things British, but boy am I glad to live in the USA if it isn't legal to carry pepper spray in the UK.
    I'd call a canister of pepper spray a minimum level of self defense. Why would it be illegal? It's not lethal, like a gun can be...


    Hmm...per capita, firearm homicides are 138 times higher in the US than UK, violent crime is 4 times higher, homicide is 4 times higher...I'd take my chances in the UK without the pepper spray.

    Point taken.
    But, I do live in the USA in a big city and I have been assaulted. So, I'm glad I have the right to defend myself with a weapon if need be. I guess it's an American thing, but I can't imagine self-defense tools being illegal.
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