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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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Depends on whether one has a distorted self image.
When I was bulimic I had a seriously distorted self image. I'm 6' even. When i puked my was down to 155 I still thought I was fat.
As a kid I was the only pudgy one in the family and wad constantly told I was fat. I weighed about 190 when I graduated from high school. Finished boot camp at 175. But never thought I was not fat.
At 56 I still have to rely input from my wife because that little fat guy is still in my head.3 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »forwardmoving wrote: »SecularVegan wrote: »I told my boyfriend to stop eating so much or he's gonna end up like his brother. (Bed ridden from obesity, triple bypass, and diabetic)
Now we are both vegan and don't have to worry about that ever happening
I feel that if you love someone, you should stop them harming themselves. As long as it's coming from love and not a personal attack.
Cuz there are no overweight vegans?
This is what I was thinking.... LOL
Oreos are vegan. Just sayin.9 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »forwardmoving wrote: »SecularVegan wrote: »I told my boyfriend to stop eating so much or he's gonna end up like his brother. (Bed ridden from obesity, triple bypass, and diabetic)
Now we are both vegan and don't have to worry about that ever happening
I feel that if you love someone, you should stop them harming themselves. As long as it's coming from love and not a personal attack.
Cuz there are no overweight vegans?
This is what I was thinking.... LOL
Oreos are vegan. Just sayin.
bawhhahahahahahhahahaaaaaa! I'm seriously laughing - HARD!1 -
An SO should know if you would be comfortable with those kinds of discussions.
I have low self-esteem and wish my SO would tell me the truth, but I know it would destroy me.
So I'm just going to gauge his reaction with his actions when I keep losing weight.
He's already admitted I look better than I used to.. and yes I got upset at the time.. I didn't show that I was upset but now it just motivates me.0 -
AshleyAppleJuice wrote: »An SO should know if you would be comfortable with those kinds of discussions.
I have low self-esteem and wish my SO would tell me the truth, but I know it would destroy me.
So I'm just going to gauge his reaction with his actions when I keep losing weight.
He's already admitted I look better than I used to.. and yes I got upset at the time.. I didn't show that I was upset but now it just motivates me.
This is where I was @AshleyAppleJuice . I knew I needed and wanted to lose weight, but when the subject was brought up by him I would get upset or my feelings would get hurt. But most of that came from how I viewed myself internally. I had to change the views that I had for myself because that wasn't fair to him or the self hatred I put on myself.2 -
My husband seems to want to complain that he won't be able to play with my fat once I loose weight. (
Yes, he's a bit of a weirdo) But otherwise he's fine with it. I can't express how completely happy that I have found someone that doesn't dump on me for not having "the perfect body." 0 -
What a fascinating discussion. Agree with so many perspectives! Thanks.0
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AudreyJDuke wrote: »What a fascinating discussion. Agree with so many perspectives! Thanks.
@AudreyJDuke Hey Great....What perspectives do you agree with?0 -
I have a tendency to date people who find me beautiful despite my curvier, heavy-set body shape OR have the opinion of "I accept you as you are, and if you want to change then I support you" and that I should make sure I'm losing weight for myself and not to be attractive to others. Exception being my last ex who wasn't attracted to me at all because I wasn't small enough; we *sort of* had a discussion about it - it didn't last long.
I'm a blunt person in general, but also encouraging. I don't typically bring up topic of weight unless my partner does first, and then I tell it how I see it - then try to support whatever change they want to make.2 -
Angel49kitty wrote: »I have a tendency to date people who find me beautiful despite my curvier, heavy-set body shape OR have the opinion of "I accept you as you are, and if you want to change then I support you" and that I should make sure I'm losing weight for myself and not to be attractive to others. Exception being my last ex who wasn't attracted to me at all because I wasn't small enough; we *sort of* had a discussion about it - it didn't last long.
I'm a blunt person in general, but also encouraging. I don't typically bring up topic of weight unless my partner does first, and then I tell it how I see it - then try to support whatever change they want to make.
I can get with bringing the concern with me AND supporting me!0 -
Well yeah. My size has impacted my partners life with me being tired and spending to much on food so he had every right to share his thoughts. A good partner will be there for you on the journey too!4
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I would hope that if I got to the point my weight was an issue that my husband would tell me. I know before he does when I gain or loose weight and I know what I am stuffing into my mouth, so it's not like it should come as a shock. It's not like a bad surprise and you suddenly wake up one morning having gained a substantial amount of weight! I would rather have him tell me if he's unhappy with my weight or appearance before it gets to be a bigger problem.1
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How much discussion is too much depends on the couple, but for the general case, I say it depends on why they bring it up. If their main concern is aesthetic...well, it depends on what you want with regards to that, but if you want it to be a long-term relationship, it's a bad sign. What are they gonna do when you get old and saggy? You're not going to have a model body forever. That's just life.
But, if you're watching out for each other's health, that's not a bad thing to do. Looking out for each other is an important part of a functional relationship - and changes in weight can mean something that one should be on the lookout for. For example, my boyfriend and I keep an eye on each other's weight - he needs to maintain at the high end of the healthy range whenever possible because he has digestive system issues that have caused him to nearly starve to death over flares, so of course I'm going to be worried if he starts getting too thin, and I have an eating disorder that makes me through every possible disordered behavior in the book - if, for instance, I suddenly drop two pants sizes in one month and gain them both back the next, that's a sign that I'm really not in the best state so I'd hope he'd bring it up.
And, of course, tact is your friend. "I noticed you're slipping a little on making sure you eat enough; do you want me to get more of your favorite snacks from the store?" or "Hey, you haven't been to the gym in a while; do you want me to push you harder to go?" is infinitely better than "You're getting fat - get off that couch and go do some laps or I'm leaving your lard butt."6 -
explodingmango wrote: »
And, of course, tact is your friend. "I noticed you're slipping a little on making sure you eat enough; do you want me to get more of your favorite snacks from the store?" or "Hey, you haven't been to the gym in a while; do you want me to push you harder to go?" is infinitely better than "You're getting fat - get off that couch and go do some laps or I'm leaving your lard butt."
Quoted for actual spit-take LOL1 -
I'm more concerned with health than weight/looks. I am constantly pestering my wife to eat better. If she loses weight or gets "fitter," great. But I want her healthy.2
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explodingmango wrote: »How much discussion is too much depends on the couple, but for the general case, I say it depends on why they bring it up. If their main concern is aesthetic...well, it depends on what you want with regards to that, but if you want it to be a long-term relationship, it's a bad sign. What are they gonna do when you get old and saggy? You're not going to have a model body forever. That's just life.
But, if you're watching out for each other's health, that's not a bad thing to do. Looking out for each other is an important part of a functional relationship - and changes in weight can mean something that one should be on the lookout for. For example, my boyfriend and I keep an eye on each other's weight - he needs to maintain at the high end of the healthy range whenever possible because he has digestive system issues that have caused him to nearly starve to death over flares, so of course I'm going to be worried if he starts getting too thin, and I have an eating disorder that makes me through every possible disordered behavior in the book - if, for instance, I suddenly drop two pants sizes in one month and gain them both back the next, that's a sign that I'm really not in the best state so I'd hope he'd bring it up.
And, of course, tact is your friend. "I noticed you're slipping a little on making sure you eat enough; do you want me to get more of your favorite snacks from the store?" or "Hey, you haven't been to the gym in a while; do you want me to push you harder to go?" is infinitely better than "You're getting fat - get off that couch and go do some laps or I'm leaving your lard butt."
Nicely put and I totally agree. I think if it comes from a place a love you can't go wrong.0 -
Calichusetts wrote: »I'm more concerned with health than weight/looks. I am constantly pestering my wife to eat better. If she loses weight or gets "fitter," great. But I want her healthy.
@Calichusetts This is great. I wonder if she knows that you are coming from this perspective though?0 -
I'm curious where people would land on this question when followed by another question "Do you believe that weight gain/loss is a result of your behavior?"
Also curious to see how this answer would change based upon where people are in their weight management plan. Is there a distinct change depending on how successful your loss has been? If you are starting out? If you've lost weight?
I would imagine those who believe weight is a result of genetics would also believe that a spouse should have no say so on how you look. I would also imagine that those who understand that weight is a result of behavior and have been successful would not have as much of an issue with this.4 -
I think the conversation is OK if it's in a good place, and for every couple that good place probably looks a little different. For my wife and I, we both come from families with a history of obesity, heart issues, and diabetes, so I think maintaining a healthy weight is something we should and do feel comfortable talking about.2
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My young diabetic husband doesn't even listen to his doctor in regards to weight loss advice so me getting on his "kitten" about it really won't do anything but make me angry. At the end of the day, I can't change anyone. Change must come from within. I can only continue to love him for the amazing man he has always been regardless of his weight because it has nothing to do with me. It sounds harsh and heartless but it's true.3
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I think its ok to bring it up in a loving and respectful way, especially if your concerned about their health. An even better way would be to just ask if they're open to eating healthy and exercising with you. Personally, my husband brought it up in a very harsh way by telling me I disgust him and doing mean passive aggressive stuff to punish me for letting myself go. It *kitten* me up mentally but did motivate me to change. Now he's on board with my healthy lifestyle and I train him in his workouts and we meal prep together. We have a much better relationship since I changed
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My husband loves me however I am. I have been with him for 9 years and I've lost weight and gained weight during that time and he's always attracted me to me. that's how it should be. everyone's body changes as they get older anyway. Nobody looks the same their whole lives.
However whenever I am on the beginning of a new "thing" like if I am going to start losing weight, working out, or even if I plan on coloring my hair, my husband always complains and doesn't want me to change. But then I do it anyway and it's fine. He has a problem with change I guess but once he sees me he realizes I'm still the same person.6 -
I think yes. As long as it's respectful.1
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I'm curious where people would land on this question when followed by another question "Do you believe that weight gain/loss is a result of your behavior?"
Also curious to see how this answer would change based upon where people are in their weight management plan. Is there a distinct change depending on how successful your loss has been? If you are starting out? If you've lost weight?
I would imagine those who believe weight is a result of genetics would also believe that a spouse should have no say so on how you look. I would also imagine that those who understand that weight is a result of behavior and have been successful would not have as much of an issue with this.
@CSARdiver - This are all good legit questions. Knowing what I know now I would have blamed my weight issues on other things beyond myself. But now, they are just excuses.
Now that I go to the gym routinely, I see the same people in there. The people that I claimed had good genetics at first....but they are actually working for "it" everyday!4 -
Yes, as long as it comes from a place of love/concern and not from anger or disgust. My grandmother passed away in February of this year, she raised me and I took it hard. I started binge eating and gained 60ish pounds in less than 6 months, food was the only thing that actually comforted me during that time and I didn't hold back. My husband let me deal with things my way until I was weighing in at 218 pounds. I'm 5'4 so that is 100% unhealthy for my my body and size. When I brought up my weight to him, he said that he wished I would take better care of myself because he was worried about my health. He even said that I had started to let myself go, and he was right. I stopped caring for myself like I had before. I stopped trying to eat healthy, stopped trying to workout and stopped even getting ready during the day. I didn't get mad or upset at his words because he said them from a good place and hes helped me get a handle on things.7
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One million percent, especially if persistently asked whether you are or how you look...and if you already know the answer then don't be offended when they tell you the truth. As long as they support you then their opinion (within reason) should be accepted as help.1
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Yes. Our prenap says if he gets under 200lbs, Im asking for a divorce3
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@Ironandwine69 One would hope you're not from the UK as prenups are pretty much useless here, and one about weight wouldn't stand up in court as a reason for divorce. I'm not sure what weight has to do with a prenup anyway, as they protect a person's assets not the reason for filing for divorce. Anyway, I'd like to think you wouldn't immediately jump to divorce and rather work through the issue.2
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That read like a joke to me.
Although in the marital context, I would think a prenap is something entirely different. ;-)8
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