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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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I think this is an interesting conversation. I think it's a really hard conversation because it is a huge task to have it without leaving your SO/spouse feeling attacked, even when you take it from the angle of health. It is just a super-sensitive topic regardless of which side you're on because it is so very personal, I don't think there is a "we" regardless of how you frame it. It is how one or the other of you looks compared to what's expected.
That said, I think some relationships handle the "tough love" conversations better than others. Do I believe she should love me no matter my size? Sure do, I'm freakin' awesome! And she loves me for more than the weight on the scale, right?
But here's the thing, as a person gains weight I think there is a moment of recognition that it's not where that person wants to be. By the time the SO/spouse says something, I can tell you from experience the other person is already well aware and probably pretty disgusted. Then it seems like the hits just keep coming.
I think the key is to make sure that you and your partner are aligned on what it means to be healthy - understand how you feel about weight and what the sensitivities are. Does weight affect physical attraction for your partner? For some people it does, others couldn't care less - we're all physically attracted to different things for different reasons. I don't think you can say one way is right or wrong.
If your relationship is otherwise healthy and you've enjoyed physical intimacy but that's ebbing as the pounds creep on, buck up and address the conversation yourself - put yourself in the position of power and ask the question. Own it. And then choose (or choose not) to do something different - at least then you're in control and nobody has to be a victim. Don't force your SO/spouse to do the dirty work and tell you they don't find you physically attractive anymore.6 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »I have mixed feelings about "SO", but that term can vary so widely from dude I just met a week ago to commonlaw spouse, so I am not going to comment on it at all.
As for spouses, yes. It is important to accept changes in your partner and realize they will not look the same forever. I also feel if you have made an agreement to go through life together as a team, so you should both uphold your end of that bargain and try not to bring extra issues upon yourselves. To me that includes looking after your own and each others health. Obviously, there are certain things that will always be outside our control and you just have to take those as they come, but I feel it would be incredibly unfair to my husband to eat myself to 500lbs and require him to help take care of me as I lose mobility and welcome all sorts of health issues. I think there is a point where it is ok to say this is unfair to our marriage and family.
This is my response from many pages ago, so I guess I kinda looked at it from a "how would I feel if it were me" place to begin with.
I feel its fair for my partner to speak up and I feel it would be fair for me to speak up. Of note here though: hubs and I are both pretty similar in temperament. I am a little bit touchier than he is, but largely we both are the kinda people who can roll with the punches. It might be a whole other story for other people in other relationships.1 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I am firmly on team "yes, they should have a say". I would be hurt to know my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore, but I'd also be hurt to find that my weight was the only thing he finds/found attractive. What a sad relationship that would be.3 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I am firmly on team "yes, they should have a say". I would be hurt to know my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore, but I'd also be hurt to find that my weight was the only thing he finds/found attractive. What a sad relationship that would be.
Just to add to that idea - I would find this hurtful as well, but I would hope we would have "the talk" before it even got that far. More of a "Not sure things are headed in the right direction" talk instead of a "we are in trouble" talk.2 -
4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I am firmly on team "yes, they should have a say". I would be hurt to know my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore, but I'd also be hurt to find that my weight was the only thing he finds/found attractive. What a sad relationship that would be.
Just to add to that idea - I would find this hurtful as well, but I would hope we would have "the talk" before it even got that far. More of a "Not sure things are headed in the right direction" talk instead of a "we are in trouble" talk.
Honestly I'd be hurt to find that looks was more than a small factor in the attractiveness at all.6 -
I honestly have no idea what to say. I've been significantly overweight and he was still attracted to me.
If he was significantly overweight, I am not sure if I'd be attracted to him. I like to think yes, but I'm just not certain I would be. One thing is for sure, I would never want to hurt him. I would want to help him and motivate him to change his lifestyle, but not by holding my love and attraction as the prize to attain.
It would have broken my heart if he had ever told me that he wasn't attracted to me because of my weight. I know it's not something we as humans can necessarily help - we are attracted (or not) to certain bodies and it's not always in our conscious control. But I also don't know if I could have gotten over it.3 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I would want to know.
How does one become sensitive? One become sensitive through neglect. If something is used and interacted with it is hardened, strengthened, and well developed. Sensitive issues wouldn't be an issue if we were better communicators and brought these issues up early and often. Strong relationships require effort and will wither and die if neglected.
I see this as a root cause for much of our problems. We don't discuss issues directly as we did a generation ago due to convenient distractions provided by technology and social media. We are quickly losing the ability to effectively communicate in an intellectual and empathetic manner.4 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I am firmly on team "yes, they should have a say". I would be hurt to know my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore, but I'd also be hurt to find that my weight was the only thing he finds/found attractive. What a sad relationship that would be.
Just to add to that idea - I would find this hurtful as well, but I would hope we would have "the talk" before it even got that far. More of a "Not sure things are headed in the right direction" talk instead of a "we are in trouble" talk.
Honestly I'd be hurt to find that looks was more than a small factor in the attractiveness at all.
I'm not sure I feel the same way. I think looks play a big part in what you find attractive (for me, anyways). Obviously when you're in love with someone there are other things that you will find attractive besides looks, like their sense of humour, their kindness, etc., but at the same time when my husband gets naked I'm not thinking about those things - I'm thinking more about the fact that he looks goooooood lol
Yeah? Maybe I was like that when I was younger, though I don't really think so. All I'm thinking about at the point is the feelings (emotional and physical).0 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I am firmly on team "yes, they should have a say". I would be hurt to know my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore, but I'd also be hurt to find that my weight was the only thing he finds/found attractive. What a sad relationship that would be.
Just to add to that idea - I would find this hurtful as well, but I would hope we would have "the talk" before it even got that far. More of a "Not sure things are headed in the right direction" talk instead of a "we are in trouble" talk.
Honestly I'd be hurt to find that looks was more than a small factor in the attractiveness at all.
I hear ya. I am not even really sure anymore.
Early in a relationship it is pretty much all about looks and general impressions (this is assuming it's someone you are just meeting, not some old friend you finally decided to date or something). Things grow over time, and 7 years later we have built quite a bit together. I think there is alot more to it than looks now, but I think it is still an important factor for us; probably more-so for my husband than me. I tend to think men are just more visual than women, but its a hard thing to comment on with any certainty since I am a woman (this is where reincarnation and getting to experience being different things [and remembering it] would be pretty useful). It doesn't bother me though to think looks are an important part of our relationship. It was one of the first layers, and we have built many more on top of it but it is still there.2 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I am firmly on team "yes, they should have a say". I would be hurt to know my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore, but I'd also be hurt to find that my weight was the only thing he finds/found attractive. What a sad relationship that would be.
Just to add to that idea - I would find this hurtful as well, but I would hope we would have "the talk" before it even got that far. More of a "Not sure things are headed in the right direction" talk instead of a "we are in trouble" talk.
Honestly I'd be hurt to find that looks was more than a small factor in the attractiveness at all.
I'm not sure I feel the same way. I think looks play a big part in what you find attractive (for me, anyways). Obviously when you're in love with someone there are other things that you will find attractive besides looks, like their sense of humour, their kindness, etc., but at the same time when my husband gets naked I'm not thinking about those things - I'm thinking more about the fact that he looks goooooood lol
and of coarse there is truth in this
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TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I would want to know.
How does one become sensitive? One become sensitive through neglect. If something is used and interacted with it is hardened, strengthened, and well developed. Sensitive issues wouldn't be an issue if we were better communicators and brought these issues up early and often. Strong relationships require effort and will wither and die if neglected.
This is kind of profound. I've never thought about it in exactly those terms, but it makes a lot of sense.I see this as a root cause for much of our problems. We don't discuss issues directly as we did a generation ago due to convenient distractions provided by technology and social media. We are quickly losing the ability to effectively communicate in an intellectual and empathetic manner.
I don't necessarily think we're any worse at communicating now than in generations past, the mechanisms are just slightly different. There were plenty of loveless marriages 'for the children' back in the day where Mom and Dad barely spoke and did little more than present the veneer of a happy family; divorce was just less socially acceptable and therefore far less common.3 -
This is what I found out today about myself on how others perceive me as it relates to weight issues. My daughter had a conversation with my SO about my weight and how I should be further alone in my journey than I am now.
This is how the phone convo went with my SO..
Him - So you said you want to hit a spin class tomorrow huh?
Me - Yes, I need to step my cardio game up. Plus my daughter challenged me to lose 22 lbs. by summer.
Him - How did that conversation go?
Me - It went well. She said "Mom, I wanna see you in a 2 piece this summer...so I challenge you to hit that goal and I said bet"
Him - I asked because she called me and said that every time she brings up the subject of losing weight you get mad and I told her I agreed and that's why I don't bring the subject up anymore.
NOW AFTER HE SAID THAT IS WHEN I GOT SLIGHTLY PISSED AND DEFENSIVE....
One, because I did used to get mad and defensive. I stated that early in this thread. And I had to ask myself why I would get so angry, sad and hurt when my weight was the subject. And the answer was, because I was angry and disgusted myself with my weight and how I looked in the mirror. So, although it was painful, I began to deal with my weight issues INTERNALLY and learned to love myself and allll of my imperfections. At first, for someone to shed light on my weight, I HEARD IT AS - THEY DON'T LIKE ME, I'M DISGUSTING TO THEM, THEY DON'T LOVE ME BECAUSE OF MY WEIGHT, THEY THINK I AM FAT, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I heard, what my own thoughts were about me.
Since then, I have changed that belief and thought system. I am so confident in my body now and my capabilities, that I don't care what other people negative views are of me. And it was hurtful for them to automatically assume I would get mad, LOL, actually pissed me off. Because I welcome love, advice, training, goals, wisdom, etc. etc. That was the OLD me. The new me is open and want to explore ways to reach my goals. When my daughter challenged me to lose 22lbs by summer, I didn't give her lip, I accepted the challenge.
So I typed this all to say, stop assuming and prejudging how a person will respond (to weight issues). If you come from a place of LOVE the person will and should hear your sincere heart.7 -
I think it all comes down to the peril of getting too comfortable in certain situations in your life, whether it is with a partner, friends, neighbors, employers, etc. We have all lapsed into comfort zones in areas of our lives where we didn't try because we were so secure that we felt we didn't need to try and we took situations and relationships for granted.
So if the weight gain is a symptom of taking the other person's attraction and the security of the relationship for granted (as opposed to something medical, babies, or aging related), I think it is perfectly reasonable for their partner to address this as tactfully as possible.4 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I would want to know.
How does one become sensitive? One become sensitive through neglect. If something is used and interacted with it is hardened, strengthened, and well developed. Sensitive issues wouldn't be an issue if we were better communicators and brought these issues up early and often. Strong relationships require effort and will wither and die if neglected.
This is kind of profound. I've never thought about it in exactly those terms, but it makes a lot of sense.I see this as a root cause for much of our problems. We don't discuss issues directly as we did a generation ago due to convenient distractions provided by technology and social media. We are quickly losing the ability to effectively communicate in an intellectual and empathetic manner.
I don't necessarily think we're any worse at communicating now than in generations past, the mechanisms are just slightly different. There were plenty of loveless marriages 'for the children' back in the day where Mom and Dad barely spoke and did little more than present the veneer of a happy family; divorce was just less socially acceptable and therefore far less common.
We are demonstrably worse at communicating with those we disagree with simply because we no longer have to. Generations ago people endured loveless marriages as there really was no other option for most people. I always think back to "Fiddler On The Roof" and the insightful, but silly question posed "Do you love me?"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_y9F5St4j0
When we neglect skills they atrophy and die. Whether we are discussing muscles, marriages, social skills, politics, health - it takes far more work to relearn as opposed to maintaining.
This issue is especially highlighted in divorce...and the abysmal statistics on repeat divorces. Those who have not learned move from one relationship to another and once the honeymoon is over.5 -
My husband never comments on me being fat he is more concerned that I am loosing my curves if I diet. In his words ' your bum is going'. He likes a curvy woman. If I asked him if I am getting fat he would be honest and not say it in a way to hurt me. I trust his honesty. I think my sensitivity about my weight comes from being a chubby child and being bullied about my weight at school. Its hard to forget bad events but possible to move on and love yourself. My desire to stay trim now is to stay fit and healthy rather than be a starved unhealthy skelleton.2
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I think there is an appropriate way to go about it. Sitting down and having a frank, honest, private discussion is obviously different from calling their S.O. names in public or cracking jokes about their weight.
On top of that , we also have to acknowledge that there are "shallow" and "deep" reasons. Someone who cares about your weight because they don't like the way you look is not the same as someone who cares because they are concerned about your health. The former may well be treating you like a fashion accessory that has to look the "right" way. The latter is concerned about your well being.
Even if we say someone loves their SO, regardless of their weight, that doesn't mean they do not or cannot feel the weight is a problem. It's entirely possible to love someone and care deeply for them and still think there is an issue present. If they love their S.O., then they're usually going to be worried about their health and it's logical to expect them to bring up concerns about weight as much as they might bring up concerns about sleeping enough, managing stress, looking into a cough that isn't going away, etcetera.5 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »No! if he or she has a perfect body and health, Maybe....... I find it funny at my age now when I see guys from school etc that always bullied the heavy girls, now in their 50's etc they are fat and bald, and most divorced.... so love the person 1st, show respect always ... then you can approach the issue without hurting anyone.
I have a couple of friends that said that they would never gain weight (and was real snarky with it) and often joked and made fun of over weight people when we were in our early 20's... Now they are older and round and having challenges with losing weight as well.
This highlights the need for CICO awareness and the absolute necessity of budgeting simply for awareness. It is normal for activity to decline with age. If you do not adjust your calories appropriately gaining weight is inevitable.
Yes, this is so true. I'm surprised this type of information isn't shared at doctor's visits and what not.1 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »No! if he or she has a perfect body and health, Maybe....... I find it funny at my age now when I see guys from school etc that always bullied the heavy girls, now in their 50's etc they are fat and bald, and most divorced.... so love the person 1st, show respect always ... then you can approach the issue without hurting anyone.
I have a couple of friends that said that they would never gain weight (and was real snarky with it) and often joked and made fun of over weight people when we were in our early 20's... Now they are older and round and having challenges with losing weight as well.
This highlights the need for CICO awareness and the absolute necessity of budgeting simply for awareness. It is normal for activity to decline with age. If you do not adjust your calories appropriately gaining weight is inevitable.
Yes, this is so true. I'm surprised this type of information isn't shared at doctor's visits and what not.
Most medical professionals are not aware and believe that your metabolism slow significantly with age, which is patently false.0 -
Yes. If it is coming from a place of love and concern for one's health. My husband told me that I was gaining to much weight and he wanted us to be able to enjoy as much of life together as possible. Being heavier does create limitations on what we can and cannot do whether we like to think it or not. So I understood and was not offended by it, but his actions shows that he still loves me regardless and he still continues to encourage and motivate me everyday. He also practices what he preaches. He is an avid runner and a really healthy eater but also enjoys a good burger and fries.
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I have no problem bring told I'm going up or down in weight as long as it's true
But really they are stating the obvious by the time it is noticeable. The "why" is more important.2 -
Well, my husband has never said he wasn't attracted to me, after gaining weight, but I know that his attraction has declined significantly. I did ask him a couple times and he would always say that he would be happy if I lost weight. But I was the one asking. We got married when I was my thinnest and while I did warn him I probably would gain weight with kids, it remains the fact that he was obviously attracted to the thinner me and that's what he married.
I used to feel hurt, until I realized it's not one's fault what one is attracted to. Plus he is an extremely loyal husband and has never commented negatively on his own. He only answered when I asked him. And he's been very supportive in me losing weight and becoming more healthy. I think me not taking care of myself was really off putting, as I've only lost 20 lbs of 75, and he's already saying how much I've lost, in a good way.
On the other hand, he also gained weight though not nearly as much as me, and it didn't affect my attraction to him one bit.
I guess it just depends on the marriage.1 -
I think it depends on how much weight we're talking about. 10-20 vanity pounds? I probably wouldn't bring it up. But if it's enough weight that it is damaging their health or making it difficult to do activities that you used to enjoy together (hiking, playing with the kids, etc.) then I think its okay to talk about because it's no longer just aesthetics. The conversation might still be very painful, but it's about more important things than attraction at that point.2
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JMcGee2018 wrote: »I think it depends on how much weight we're talking about. 10-20 vanity pounds? I probably wouldn't bring it up. But if it's enough weight that it is damaging their health or making it difficult to do activities that you used to enjoy together (hiking, playing with the kids, etc.) then I think its okay to talk about because it's no longer just aesthetics. The conversation might still be very painful, but it's about more important things than attraction at that point.
This is a good point - Vanity pounds - I don't think I need the serious sit down I'm leaving you if you don't get your shyt together talk. And I know 'gaining weight' is relative 10 - 20 lbs to someone might be an enormous amount.... But when health comes in to play and your relationship/marriage is on the line because of the weight gain, I think a conversation need to be had coming from a place of love and concern.0 -
Also I initially created this post because I see often that a random poster will state that their S.O. wants them to lose weight and posters will advise the OP to leave and comment with "if he doesn't love you for you LEAVE" and I disagree, I think important topics, including weight issues, should be discussed and I don't necessarily think that's a reason to leave. Now if they are ridiculous and superficial - YES!4
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heiliskrimsli wrote: »@heiliskrimsli A lot has been mentioned about SO being overweight/obese and I'm wondering if you (and others who feel the same) would be leaving your SO if they became underweight?
If they were so underweight that it became unattractive and killed the sex life and the relationship, sure.
I've just never actually been in the situation where weight loss was the problem. Previous experience has been with people who gained weight.
What you're essentially asking is if I'd be in a relationship with someone I did not find attractive and the answer to that is unequivocally "No."
There are people who I have in my life, who I care about, who are not related to me and who I'm not sexually attracted to or having sex with. Those people are called friends. They are not candidates for a romantic relationship.
Not to pick on you specifically, just that your post is the first one to catch my eye, for phrasing my question.
Assuming you have been in a steady relationship with someone for a few years, most people don't just get fat for no reason. For someone who was fit before, there is usually either a major lifestyle change or a physical/mental disability that appears ot is exacerbated over time. Would that have any bearing on your decision? Someone who was doung a physical job, and is now stuck in ine where he is seated at a desk,and has crappy hoursso would have to choose between gym or family maybe? Or is hit with lowered testosterone, but can't afford the $100 month meds to take care if it, because he is trying to help keep a roof over your head and that of your children? Or just developed serious pain issues that make of impossible to work out at the level they were used to. Or have some unknown issue, but are constantly exhausted, and the Dr.s you can afford on your *kitten* insurance aren't really much help? If you can see that the one you love is exhausted and sore, are you going to hound tnem over thier appearance? Is that going to make you stop being in love with them? If it turns out that there are some things they just CAN'T fix, are you going to decide they are no longer worth it, because they aren't physically attractive anymore?
I'm going to assume the answer is no, but if it's yes then you probably weren't in love with the person in the first place. Just in love with the way the person made you feel, which is ok as lonf as you are both aware of it, but is more self love than true love.4 -
Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.9 -
Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive. no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them.
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If there is a lifestyle change/choice (not by mutual choice - such as having kids, or a health related issue) that is causing a change in weight, then a frank but loving conversation is perfectly okay.
My ex couldn't muster that up when I started to put on a few pounds (we're talking 10-25 pounds, not 100), but I could tell he was losing all his attraction. That would have been one thing, except for the simple fact that he, too, had put on a fair bit of fat, and wasn't doing anything to combat his recomped (the bad way) body. That didn't really bother me, but I could tell he didn't like looking at me the same way anymore.
I kept trying to get to the gym, asking for his support/working out a "workout together" schedule - he wouldn't have anything to do with it. He'd go to the gym if and when he felt like it, and flat out told me it was up to me to do it myself (which, technically speaking it is, but you can see the underlying issues here).
He's an ex for a reason though.
I would have much preferred a frank conversation and a discussion on what we could do "as a team" to help us BOTH improve (or just some honesty).4 -
This is a topic I can't generalize on, so I have stayed out of commenting, until now.
@HoneyBadger155's comment about a small weight gain made me do it.
I had always been relatively slim, but there was a picture takes by my DiL Christmas 2008, that, when I saw it, made me exclaim to everyone-
'why didn't you tell me I was getting fat!'
I was 25-30 lbs heavier than normal.
My clothes hadn't changed- low slung jeans loose-ish tops, and looking in the mirror straight on all the time, hid the fact that my belly was expanding, not much more, just the belly- ye old middle age spread, lowering of activity, menopause approaching visceral fat gain, all rolled into one.
That got me counting calories and exercising and I lost the weight within a year and looked and felt much better (never any health probs).
But I really wish my SO, DiL, or son, had had a quiet word in my ear, when they had noticed my weight slowly rising.
(They said it was so gradual, over 5 years, they hadn't noticed either.)
SO, in about 2010, pleased (for me being pleased) with the results, and relative ease of me adapting to calorie counting and exercise, and being 20-25lbs heavier than he generally was, asked me to set him up, and explain how to calorie count.
He uses a different site, we decided we didn't want to be looking over each other's shoulders.
In about 6 months, counting (he never bothered weighting food just smaller portions worked for him), running, and swimming, he was at his usual weight.
However, as much as I have stayed stable, he fluctuates 5-10lbs (he is 6'3 so it isn't a lot on him) frequently.
This new year, after bringing it in sat in a hot tub surrounded by friends and snow, SO asked if he needed to lose a few pounds, I agreed.
So, he is loosely, very loosely, counting his cals, and I am doing gentle prompts around portions and exercise.
I also check with him if I am looking skinny, slender and/or lean are good, that indicates I am at least maintaining my muscles, skinny means I am slacking or my break from lifting has been to long.
Anyway, all I think I am trying to say is that different things work for different people. For me and my family it is gentle words of encouragement.
Cheers, h.
Here is the 'why didn't anyone tell me' pic, and me in maintenance.
9 -
Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
@JoRocka *Snap Snap... You said that.2
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