WOMEN AGES 50+ FOR DECEMBER 2018

In my first marriage, everything was pooled into one account. He was a horrible manager of money, and would write checks against money we didn't have. Ran up credit card debts we couldn't pay. Bought a luxury car that he let run down so badly that it was towed to an impound lot (stalled at the side of the highway for too long), and there it sat, while I had to continue paying for it for 2-3 years. He owed income taxes on his law practice income . . . It was horrible. Truly. Every month was a struggle. The IRS gave me a pass on the income tax he owed because I had paid taxes on my income. That ticked him off. He thought I should have paid because I "benefited" from his income. But I was already paying off his credit card debt and car (that was no longer being driven by anyone), not to mention the mortgage on the house we bought together (that I and the kids were still living in) to try to salvage my credit. I didn't think I should also be on the hook for the 10s of thousands of income tax he owed.

So, my current husband and I keep everything separate. We do have a couple credit cards with both names, but they really belong to one or the other of us. I don't charge on "his" cards and he doesn't charge on "mine." We have separate checking/savings accounts, but I do have a checkbook to "his" account that I use to pay for our son's cello lessons, lunches, and other school expenses that need a check. (I don't have paper checks for my account and rarely carry cash.)

When we first married, he wasn't working and was going to school, so I paid for everything. Unfortunately, that set a bad precedent, so that when he did start working, He just paid me $1000 a month and eventually, stopped doing that. It was a real hardship for me, and I was frustrated, but he didn't consider any of our home expenses "his" expenses since it was "my" house and "my kids." (As a side note, he also didn't/doesn't help out with household chores because, "You really expect me to do your kids' dishes? and take out their garbage? You were doing it before, so what's the big deal?") Sigh.

He now makes twice as much as I do, literally, so things have evened out a little. I still end up paying a higher percentage of my income for things than he pays of us, but he doesn't have a problem with that, even if I do. And I do believe he may be paying 50% or close to our household expenses. I still have more people in the house than he does (two kids not his), and I don't expect him to support my kids. Once they have moved on, if they ever move on, my money situation will improve a lot. He pays the mortgage and the internet/cable bill and covers our health insurance premiums through his work. I pay everything else. He also pays for the RV, but I really do consider that "his" and not "mine," even if I do use it. I could have lived without it, and said so. But he wanted it, so it's money . . . He buys some of his own food and toiletries and now does his own laundry.

He is a hoarder and a compulsive shopper, and I worry about how much, if any, money he is saving. Even on my meager (in comparison) income, I manage to save a few hundred dollars every few months, but I don't think he's saving anything. Once he's not working, he is going to have to go through a radical change in lifestyle because I can't afford the way he lives now.

He does pay for other things -- like the trips we take and most of the time we eat out (date night once a week). I try to contribute what I can while we are tourists, but I really can't afford to travel to Israel, London, Costa Rica, or Mexico, so I give him a lot of credit for paying for me to go. Granted, most of the big expenses (flight/rental car/hotel) he pays with points, but still. I wouldn't be going at all if not for him.

He is also very handy -- even if not tidy about it. So he has positive attributes too.

I'm just kind of on a down note right now because of his comment that my senior, who just turned 18, is an "adult," and maybe "he doesn't want to spend Christmas with us. After all, I don't get to spend Christmas with my adult kids." That really sizzled me.

So yeah. Everything's "separate," but the house is in both of our names. And maybe, as a couple of you mentioned, that seems like an escape plan, and maybe it kind of is. I don't want to be burned again. I am really leery of being burned again. I want everything separate. He has suggested that perhaps I should stop working because he could "support me," but when I stopped working for a few months after my first son was born, my then husband called me a "freeloader." Literally. "Freeloader." To my face. In anger.

So my current husband chides me for my financial independence, but I learned my lesson. No one will ever call me a freeloader again. I trust no one. Especially husbands. And I know very well if I did quit, I would never hear the end of it from him, especially since two of my boys are still living with us.

Sorry for the rant. Lol But it did feel good to get this off my chest.