What’s a red flag for you?

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Replies

  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
    It's a red flag when she says that she's jealous of my kids because they get more time with me than she does….
    Yeah, :D Get oughta my house.

    This is totally how it should be (the kids getting more time w/ their dad) - and also one of the reasons I would never date dads! I'd be thinking that and all resentful. So nope.

    You would be resentful of children for time spent with their parent? Am I reading this correctly?

    Believe it or not, this happens. In both directions. At least she's aware of it and that it shouldn't be that way and practices avoidance.

    It’s an interesting question because when we’re talking about two parents who are together and are raising their family together I believe that parental unit is the primary relationship. However when the family is broken and you start introducing dating partners priorities are different
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
    It's a red flag when she says that she's jealous of my kids because they get more time with me than she does….
    Yeah, :D Get oughta my house.

    This is totally how it should be (the kids getting more time w/ their dad) - and also one of the reasons I would never date dads! I'd be thinking that and all resentful. So nope.

    You would be resentful of children for time spent with their parent? Am I reading this correctly?

    Believe it or not, this happens. In both directions. At least she's aware of it and that it shouldn't be that way and practices avoidance.

    It’s an interesting question because when we’re talking about two parents who are together and are raising their family together I believe that parental unit is the primary relationship. However when the family is broken and you start introducing dating partners priorities are different

    In this instance, we're talking I believe about a single non parent being in a relationship with a single parent.

    I've cancelled or postponed a date or two because of something that came up with my kids. The result on the other end has been less than desirable. People demand attention sometimes. If you require that than you shouldn't get involved with parents. Which is what she's saying.

    yep. agree
  • k8eekins
    k8eekins Posts: 2,264 Member
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    Yep, is why I've tried to avoid flirting with you. Your cute, but we're def not compatible. :)

    Wow. Lol.

    What?
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. I guess it may come across as feeling "owed" something to refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that. By the time the couple is exclusive I think most women are more than willing to start paying for some things on dates and aren't gonna lose their minds if the guy doesn't open their door.
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. Other women just refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that.

    I agree with everything you said. I’ve agreed to pay on dates before and they were sometimes offended. Never did they take me up on this offer until further in the relationship.

    I’m kind of old fashion too. I think opening the door for me is sweet, paying for meal is what I’ve always know. I don’t expect it, but it’s nice.

    Huh...maybe this is a NY cultural thing then? Cause I've talked to more then a few local couples, and the first date, they either paid for themselves, or found a way to equate the balance of payment somehow. Guy buys tickets to the movie, girl buys snacks. Or one gets dinner the first time out, the other gets dinner the second time out. That sort of thing. Plus I've seen more then a few women hold open the door for their male counterparts around me. Normally, its who reaches the door first. Married, dating, or single.

    Most women I know won’t pay at all, ever. I definitely offer to pay sometimes, just not on the first one or two dates.

    Think it's a SoCal man thing Noosh. I don't even realise my date has paid, when I was dating. Very tactfully done, rather than displayed. Showboating isn't their thing.

    I don't think that is a SoCal thing. I think it would be rude to pay but then say how much it cost or that it was expensive. Or worse to pay the check only say "wow you're expensive." It implies that somehow Im indebted because you spent a lot of money or that Im hold less value.

    You deserve better than those specimens of SoCal jerks you've had the misfortune of meeting.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,742 Member
    edited September 2019
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    There is a difference between say
    "Hey, let's go to the movies. I'll buy the tickets and if you will buy the snacks" and say "I would like to take you to the movies".

    That to me seems like a casual agreement and the other is an offer. I wouldnt expect for him to pay every time and I do hold the door for my husband or even other people. Its a gesture of kindness and holding someone high enough regard or respect to do so.

    Also Im a feminist but I certainly would not berate someone who was kind enough to open a door for me. Open a door for someone because its a decent human being thing to do...not because Im a woman. I dont need my bills paid or gifts. I can certainly take care of myself. But an offer to do so or a unexpected gift is not offensive.

    What is offensive is too assume that because you paid for a date, gift or whatever...that I then owe you. I owe you nothing except to treat you with respect and courtesy.

    Aren't those two both offers to spend time with each other?

    Also, that's what I thought would happen. But...*shrug*

    Finally, I agree with everything you said. 100%

    Yes they are both offers to spend time with each other. The terms for how that time together will be paid for is what we are discussing. Not whether or not you are spending time together.

    Maybe this is why I'm confused: Why is the expectation on the man to pay for everything? If she's a fully independent woman, shouldn't she be capable of paying for at least herself? Why should she want to lean on someone else?

    I'm coming at this as a 42 year old Midwesterner who hasn't been in the dating pool since my second marriage in 2013. So some of it very well could be regional or generational. But I just think there's an admittedly old-fashioned tradition of male/female dating where the guy pays and that's also part of what makes it recognized by both as a "date" rather than two friends going out to see a movie or grab dinner. Yeah it's very heteronormative and old school. But it's still a thing, at least for some people, including most people I know (and those people tend to be pretty liberal and definitely women who consider themselves feminists).
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
    It's a red flag when she says that she's jealous of my kids because they get more time with me than she does….
    Yeah, :D Get oughta my house.

    This is totally how it should be (the kids getting more time w/ their dad) - and also one of the reasons I would never date dads! I'd be thinking that and all resentful. So nope.

    You would be resentful of children for time spent with their parent? Am I reading this correctly?

    Believe it or not, this happens. In both directions. At least she's aware of it and that it shouldn't be that way and practices avoidance.

    It’s an interesting question because when we’re talking about two parents who are together and are raising their family together I believe that parental unit is the primary relationship. However when the family is broken and you start introducing dating partners priorities are different

    I agree. I prioritize my sons NEEDS first. But my relationship typically comes first. I chose a life partner. He’s here till the end (hopefully). My son won’t be here forever and if I left it to the way side we’d have nothing left when he leaves the home.
    and I believe the child benefits from that unity as long as both parents have both his and the family’s best interest at heart
  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,580 Member
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    Yep, is why I've tried to avoid flirting with you. Your cute, but we're def not compatible. :)

    Wow. Lol.

    What?
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. I guess it may come across as feeling "owed" something to refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that. By the time the couple is exclusive I think most women are more than willing to start paying for some things on dates and aren't gonna lose their minds if the guy doesn't open their door.
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. Other women just refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that.

    I agree with everything you said. I’ve agreed to pay on dates before and they were sometimes offended. Never did they take me up on this offer until further in the relationship.

    I’m kind of old fashion too. I think opening the door for me is sweet, paying for meal is what I’ve always know. I don’t expect it, but it’s nice.

    Huh...maybe this is a NY cultural thing then? Cause I've talked to more then a few local couples, and the first date, they either paid for themselves, or found a way to equate the balance of payment somehow. Guy buys tickets to the movie, girl buys snacks. Or one gets dinner the first time out, the other gets dinner the second time out. That sort of thing. Plus I've seen more then a few women hold open the door for their male counterparts around me. Normally, its who reaches the door first. Married, dating, or single.

    Most women I know won’t pay at all, ever. I definitely offer to pay sometimes, just not on the first one or two dates.

    Think it's a SoCal man thing Noosh. I don't even realise my date has paid, when I was dating. Very tactfully done, rather than displayed. Showboating isn't their thing.

    I don't think that is a SoCal thing. I think it would be rude to pay but then say how much it cost or that it was expensive. Or worse to pay the check only say "wow you're expensive." It implies that somehow Im indebted because you spent a lot of money or that Im hold less value.

    I am glad I have not crossed the kinds of men you have crossed. Money isn't an issue, as I tend to let them choose the venue.
  • nooshi713
    nooshi713 Posts: 4,842 Member
    k8eekins wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    Yep, is why I've tried to avoid flirting with you. Your cute, but we're def not compatible. :)

    Wow. Lol.

    What?
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. I guess it may come across as feeling "owed" something to refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that. By the time the couple is exclusive I think most women are more than willing to start paying for some things on dates and aren't gonna lose their minds if the guy doesn't open their door.
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. Other women just refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that.

    I agree with everything you said. I’ve agreed to pay on dates before and they were sometimes offended. Never did they take me up on this offer until further in the relationship.

    I’m kind of old fashion too. I think opening the door for me is sweet, paying for meal is what I’ve always know. I don’t expect it, but it’s nice.

    Huh...maybe this is a NY cultural thing then? Cause I've talked to more then a few local couples, and the first date, they either paid for themselves, or found a way to equate the balance of payment somehow. Guy buys tickets to the movie, girl buys snacks. Or one gets dinner the first time out, the other gets dinner the second time out. That sort of thing. Plus I've seen more then a few women hold open the door for their male counterparts around me. Normally, its who reaches the door first. Married, dating, or single.

    Most women I know won’t pay at all, ever. I definitely offer to pay sometimes, just not on the first one or two dates.

    Think it's a SoCal man thing Noosh. I don't even realise my date has paid, when I was dating. Very tactfully done, rather than displayed. Showboating isn't their thing.

    I don't think that is a SoCal thing. I think it would be rude to pay but then say how much it cost or that it was expensive. Or worse to pay the check only say "wow you're expensive." It implies that somehow Im indebted because you spent a lot of money or that Im hold less value.

    You deserve better than those specimens of SoCal jerks you've had the misfortune of meeting.

    So Cal men are the worst breed, really. Men elsewhere are much nicer.

  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,580 Member
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    k8eekins wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    Yep, is why I've tried to avoid flirting with you. Your cute, but we're def not compatible. :)

    Wow. Lol.

    What?
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. I guess it may come across as feeling "owed" something to refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that. By the time the couple is exclusive I think most women are more than willing to start paying for some things on dates and aren't gonna lose their minds if the guy doesn't open their door.
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. Other women just refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that.

    I agree with everything you said. I’ve agreed to pay on dates before and they were sometimes offended. Never did they take me up on this offer until further in the relationship.

    I’m kind of old fashion too. I think opening the door for me is sweet, paying for meal is what I’ve always know. I don’t expect it, but it’s nice.

    Huh...maybe this is a NY cultural thing then? Cause I've talked to more then a few local couples, and the first date, they either paid for themselves, or found a way to equate the balance of payment somehow. Guy buys tickets to the movie, girl buys snacks. Or one gets dinner the first time out, the other gets dinner the second time out. That sort of thing. Plus I've seen more then a few women hold open the door for their male counterparts around me. Normally, its who reaches the door first. Married, dating, or single.

    Most women I know won’t pay at all, ever. I definitely offer to pay sometimes, just not on the first one or two dates.

    Think it's a SoCal man thing Noosh. I don't even realise my date has paid, when I was dating. Very tactfully done, rather than displayed. Showboating isn't their thing.

    I don't think that is a SoCal thing. I think it would be rude to pay but then say how much it cost or that it was expensive. Or worse to pay the check only say "wow you're expensive." It implies that somehow Im indebted because you spent a lot of money or that Im hold less value.

    You deserve better than those specimens of SoCal jerks you've had the misfortune of meeting.

    So Cal men are the worst breed, really. Men elsewhere are much nicer.

    I have only crossed ONE bad egg in SoCal. He has issues being the surviving parent. His cross, not mine to bear . I have not crossed a#&holes yet. ((Knock on wood)) romantically or for work.
  • k8eekins
    k8eekins Posts: 2,264 Member
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    k8eekins wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    Yep, is why I've tried to avoid flirting with you. Your cute, but we're def not compatible. :)

    Wow. Lol.

    What?
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. I guess it may come across as feeling "owed" something to refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that. By the time the couple is exclusive I think most women are more than willing to start paying for some things on dates and aren't gonna lose their minds if the guy doesn't open their door.
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. Other women just refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that.

    I agree with everything you said. I’ve agreed to pay on dates before and they were sometimes offended. Never did they take me up on this offer until further in the relationship.

    I’m kind of old fashion too. I think opening the door for me is sweet, paying for meal is what I’ve always know. I don’t expect it, but it’s nice.

    Huh...maybe this is a NY cultural thing then? Cause I've talked to more then a few local couples, and the first date, they either paid for themselves, or found a way to equate the balance of payment somehow. Guy buys tickets to the movie, girl buys snacks. Or one gets dinner the first time out, the other gets dinner the second time out. That sort of thing. Plus I've seen more then a few women hold open the door for their male counterparts around me. Normally, its who reaches the door first. Married, dating, or single.

    Most women I know won’t pay at all, ever. I definitely offer to pay sometimes, just not on the first one or two dates.

    Think it's a SoCal man thing Noosh. I don't even realise my date has paid, when I was dating. Very tactfully done, rather than displayed. Showboating isn't their thing.

    I don't think that is a SoCal thing. I think it would be rude to pay but then say how much it cost or that it was expensive. Or worse to pay the check only say "wow you're expensive." It implies that somehow Im indebted because you spent a lot of money or that Im hold less value.

    You deserve better than those specimens of SoCal jerks you've had the misfortune of meeting.

    So Cal men are the worst breed, really. Men elsewhere are much nicer.

    Pity you've not had positive experiences out here. By men from elsewhere, are you referring to out-of-State quality men who're contracted to SoCal for a time?
  • nooshi713
    nooshi713 Posts: 4,842 Member
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    k8eekins wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    Yep, is why I've tried to avoid flirting with you. Your cute, but we're def not compatible. :)

    Wow. Lol.

    What?
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. I guess it may come across as feeling "owed" something to refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that. By the time the couple is exclusive I think most women are more than willing to start paying for some things on dates and aren't gonna lose their minds if the guy doesn't open their door.
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. Other women just refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that.

    I agree with everything you said. I’ve agreed to pay on dates before and they were sometimes offended. Never did they take me up on this offer until further in the relationship.

    I’m kind of old fashion too. I think opening the door for me is sweet, paying for meal is what I’ve always know. I don’t expect it, but it’s nice.

    Huh...maybe this is a NY cultural thing then? Cause I've talked to more then a few local couples, and the first date, they either paid for themselves, or found a way to equate the balance of payment somehow. Guy buys tickets to the movie, girl buys snacks. Or one gets dinner the first time out, the other gets dinner the second time out. That sort of thing. Plus I've seen more then a few women hold open the door for their male counterparts around me. Normally, its who reaches the door first. Married, dating, or single.

    Most women I know won’t pay at all, ever. I definitely offer to pay sometimes, just not on the first one or two dates.

    Think it's a SoCal man thing Noosh. I don't even realise my date has paid, when I was dating. Very tactfully done, rather than displayed. Showboating isn't their thing.

    I don't think that is a SoCal thing. I think it would be rude to pay but then say how much it cost or that it was expensive. Or worse to pay the check only say "wow you're expensive." It implies that somehow Im indebted because you spent a lot of money or that Im hold less value.

    You deserve better than those specimens of SoCal jerks you've had the misfortune of meeting.

    So Cal men are the worst breed, really. Men elsewhere are much nicer.

    I have only crossed ONE bad egg in SoCal. He has issues being the surviving parent. His cross, not mine to bear . I have not crossed a#&holes yet. ((Knock on wood)) romantically or for work.

    That’s lucky for you. As someone who has lived here my entire life I have a different opinion. I even know people not from here that move here and are shocked at the behavior they see.

  • Tinydancer106
    Tinydancer106 Posts: 3,678 Member
    It's a red flag when she says that she's jealous of my kids because they get more time with me than she does….
    Yeah, :D Get oughta my house.

    This is totally how it should be (the kids getting more time w/ their dad) - and also one of the reasons I would never date dads! I'd be thinking that and all resentful. So nope.

    You would be resentful of children for time spent with their parent? Am I reading this correctly?

    Believe it or not, this happens. In both directions. At least she's aware of it and that it shouldn't be that way and practices avoidance.
    It's a red flag when she says that she's jealous of my kids because they get more time with me than she does….
    Yeah, :D Get oughta my house.

    This is totally how it should be (the kids getting more time w/ their dad) - and also one of the reasons I would never date dads! I'd be thinking that and all resentful. So nope.

    You would be resentful of children for time spent with their parent? Am I reading this correctly?

    I expect to be the main focus in someone's life if they are my romantic partner, yep. And I fully 100% know that when you're a parent, the kids are more important especially up to age 18+ but likely forever. I accept that and decided when I was like 13 years old never to have kids and never to date a dad. I haven't strayed from that. So while you may think my opinion is evil, at least I didn't actively date a guy with kids and resent those kids!

    My questions sounded judgy when it wasn’t intended to be. I apologize. If anything, I’m intrigued by any opposite life path from mine.

    My “red flag” was from a woman much younger than I that I dated. She insisted despite repeated clarification of my priorities that she loved the idea of a man with children. It was evident quite quickly that she did NOT, lol..... also, she couldn’t quite understand my anger when I found her smoking weed in a room next to my sleeping boys. So, she wasn’t going to be a good fit.

    You're a good dad and a good guy!🤗
  • GymGoddessGoals
    GymGoddessGoals Posts: 2,146 Member
    k8eekins wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    Yep, is why I've tried to avoid flirting with you. Your cute, but we're def not compatible. :)

    Wow. Lol.

    What?
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. I guess it may come across as feeling "owed" something to refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that. By the time the couple is exclusive I think most women are more than willing to start paying for some things on dates and aren't gonna lose their minds if the guy doesn't open their door.
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. Other women just refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that.

    I agree with everything you said. I’ve agreed to pay on dates before and they were sometimes offended. Never did they take me up on this offer until further in the relationship.

    I’m kind of old fashion too. I think opening the door for me is sweet, paying for meal is what I’ve always know. I don’t expect it, but it’s nice.

    Huh...maybe this is a NY cultural thing then? Cause I've talked to more then a few local couples, and the first date, they either paid for themselves, or found a way to equate the balance of payment somehow. Guy buys tickets to the movie, girl buys snacks. Or one gets dinner the first time out, the other gets dinner the second time out. That sort of thing. Plus I've seen more then a few women hold open the door for their male counterparts around me. Normally, its who reaches the door first. Married, dating, or single.

    Most women I know won’t pay at all, ever. I definitely offer to pay sometimes, just not on the first one or two dates.

    Think it's a SoCal man thing Noosh. I don't even realise my date has paid, when I was dating. Very tactfully done, rather than displayed. Showboating isn't their thing.

    I don't think that is a SoCal thing. I think it would be rude to pay but then say how much it cost or that it was expensive. Or worse to pay the check only say "wow you're expensive." It implies that somehow Im indebted because you spent a lot of money or that Im hold less value.

    You deserve better than those specimens of SoCal jerks you've had the misfortune of meeting.

    I think you have misunderstood me. Ive never dated or met anyone from SoCal. Thus my statement its not a SoCal thing. It happens everywhere.
  • k8eekins
    k8eekins Posts: 2,264 Member
    k8eekins wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    Yep, is why I've tried to avoid flirting with you. Your cute, but we're def not compatible. :)

    Wow. Lol.

    What?
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. I guess it may come across as feeling "owed" something to refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that. By the time the couple is exclusive I think most women are more than willing to start paying for some things on dates and aren't gonna lose their minds if the guy doesn't open their door.
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. Other women just refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that.

    I agree with everything you said. I’ve agreed to pay on dates before and they were sometimes offended. Never did they take me up on this offer until further in the relationship.

    I’m kind of old fashion too. I think opening the door for me is sweet, paying for meal is what I’ve always know. I don’t expect it, but it’s nice.

    Huh...maybe this is a NY cultural thing then? Cause I've talked to more then a few local couples, and the first date, they either paid for themselves, or found a way to equate the balance of payment somehow. Guy buys tickets to the movie, girl buys snacks. Or one gets dinner the first time out, the other gets dinner the second time out. That sort of thing. Plus I've seen more then a few women hold open the door for their male counterparts around me. Normally, its who reaches the door first. Married, dating, or single.

    Most women I know won’t pay at all, ever. I definitely offer to pay sometimes, just not on the first one or two dates.

    Think it's a SoCal man thing Noosh. I don't even realise my date has paid, when I was dating. Very tactfully done, rather than displayed. Showboating isn't their thing.

    I don't think that is a SoCal thing. I think it would be rude to pay but then say how much it cost or that it was expensive. Or worse to pay the check only say "wow you're expensive." It implies that somehow Im indebted because you spent a lot of money or that Im hold less value.

    You deserve better than those specimens of SoCal jerks you've had the misfortune of meeting.

    I think you have misunderstood me. Ive never dated or met anyone from SoCal. Thus my statement its not a SoCal thing. It happens everywhere.

    Noted. Personally haven't experienced these deplorable examples of ill-socialised men, however, I did hear about this recurring episode amongst some women who were dating back in the '90s (East Coast). Lacking the basics of social graces & etiquette for some is rife from what I'm seeing from yours and Nooshi's sharing.
  • GymGoddessGoals
    GymGoddessGoals Posts: 2,146 Member
    k8eekins wrote: »
    k8eekins wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    Yep, is why I've tried to avoid flirting with you. Your cute, but we're def not compatible. :)

    Wow. Lol.

    What?
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. I guess it may come across as feeling "owed" something to refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that. By the time the couple is exclusive I think most women are more than willing to start paying for some things on dates and aren't gonna lose their minds if the guy doesn't open their door.
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    mattig89ch wrote: »
    The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.

    I expect this.

    At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.

    I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. Other women just refuse to accept that sort of thing.

    Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that.

    I agree with everything you said. I’ve agreed to pay on dates before and they were sometimes offended. Never did they take me up on this offer until further in the relationship.

    I’m kind of old fashion too. I think opening the door for me is sweet, paying for meal is what I’ve always know. I don’t expect it, but it’s nice.

    Huh...maybe this is a NY cultural thing then? Cause I've talked to more then a few local couples, and the first date, they either paid for themselves, or found a way to equate the balance of payment somehow. Guy buys tickets to the movie, girl buys snacks. Or one gets dinner the first time out, the other gets dinner the second time out. That sort of thing. Plus I've seen more then a few women hold open the door for their male counterparts around me. Normally, its who reaches the door first. Married, dating, or single.

    Most women I know won’t pay at all, ever. I definitely offer to pay sometimes, just not on the first one or two dates.

    Think it's a SoCal man thing Noosh. I don't even realise my date has paid, when I was dating. Very tactfully done, rather than displayed. Showboating isn't their thing.

    I don't think that is a SoCal thing. I think it would be rude to pay but then say how much it cost or that it was expensive. Or worse to pay the check only say "wow you're expensive." It implies that somehow Im indebted because you spent a lot of money or that Im hold less value.

    You deserve better than those specimens of SoCal jerks you've had the misfortune of meeting.

    I think you have misunderstood me. Ive never dated or met anyone from SoCal. Thus my statement its not a SoCal thing. It happens everywhere.

    Noted. Personally haven't experienced these deplorable examples of ill-socialised men, however, I did hear about this recurring episode amongst some women who were dating back in the '90s (East Coast). Lacking the basics of social graces & etiquette for some is rife from what I'm seeing from yours and Nooshi's sharing.

    IDK, I'm intolerant of bad behavior period. One mistake is general enough for me. I married a Midwestern man. Sometimes our cultures clash but we each respect the culture of the other. And he has certainly never asked me out and expected me to pay for my share.