How would you feel about your partners weight gain?
Replies
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »youcantflexcardio wrote: »Attraction is important in a relationship. Especially in your 20s. For me his lack of caring about himself is him not caring what I think anymore. Its like he feels so comfortable that he dosnt have to try. I keep myself fit and healthy for myself but also because I want him to feel attracted to me to. Like I said before he already told me he likes his women thin and fit. So im guessing he wouldnt like if I start piling on the pounds and binge eating.
You need to say exactly this to him, not to a bunch of strangers on some food tracking app/fitness forum.
QFT! I cannot imagine going on a public board and saying these things about my spouse/partner.
I'm not making fun of him or talking trash about him. I love and respect my boyfriend this is a fitness board and I thought it would be interesting to hear other peoples opinions or if they have ever had the same concerns on how they handle it.10 -
kshama2001 wrote: »My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.
How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?
You are being neither clear not accurate when you say, "you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you"
"Take away" isn't bad - consuming excess calories regularly that leads to obesity is bad.
I suggest you work on some clear "I" statements and get back to us.
Yeah thats why I said AGAIN. because it happens alot.2 -
Attraction is important in a relationship. Especially in your 20s. For me his lack of caring about himself is him not caring what I think anymore. Its like he feels so comfortable that he dosnt have to try. I keep myself fit and healthy for myself but also because I want him to feel attracted to me to. Like I said before he already told me he likes his women thin and fit. So im guessing he wouldnt like if I start piling on the pounds and binge eating.
For the first bolded, it could have absolutely nothing to do with you. For example, he could be depressed. It's rather narcissistic to assume it's about you.
For the second bolded, yes, he's made his likes clear to you. Have you made your likes clear to him?
There is no implied reciprocity. Because Partner A prefers Partner B thin doesn't mean anything about Partner B's preferences. Partner B might like big cuddly teddy bears.
Whatever your preferences are, are fine, but you need to express them. To him.15 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »youcantflexcardio wrote: »Attraction is important in a relationship. Especially in your 20s. For me his lack of caring about himself is him not caring what I think anymore. Its like he feels so comfortable that he dosnt have to try. I keep myself fit and healthy for myself but also because I want him to feel attracted to me to. Like I said before he already told me he likes his women thin and fit. So im guessing he wouldnt like if I start piling on the pounds and binge eating.
You need to say exactly this to him, not to a bunch of strangers on some food tracking app/fitness forum.
QFT! I cannot imagine going on a public board and saying these things about my spouse/partner.
I'm not making fun of him or talking trash about him. I love and respect my boyfriend this is a fitness board and I thought it would be interesting to hear other peoples opinions or if they have ever had the same concerns on how they handle it.
Instead of communicating with him? Ok.9 -
BasedGawd412 wrote: »My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.
How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?
He doesn't respect nor value how you feel which is why he feels comfortable packing on the weight. He's ultra comfortable and feels that you aren't going anywhere.
If my SO packed on a significant amount of weight it wouldn't bother me much if that's the only thing they let go... if other things changed then it'd be a problem.
I would just be straight up and direct with them telling them that I don't find myself attracted to them with the significant weight gain.
I agree, I think its because he's too comfortable. I think when you stop trying in a relationship things start to go down hill. I'm not talking about gaining weight due to illness or getting older. Obviously looks and superficial things fade over time and thats fine but in a 3 year relationship in my 20s I want the attraction to be there and it still is. I'm just worried it will get out of control he gained alot of weight in a short amount of time and he binges on endless junk. I wouldnt expect him to be as strict as me but its worrying what he puts into his body. We moved in together 6 months ago and being around him more has made me much more aware of the problem he has with food. He never srpps eating and its never anything good.4 -
Curious what brought you to these message boards in the first place, OP.5
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »youcantflexcardio wrote: »Attraction is important in a relationship. Especially in your 20s. For me his lack of caring about himself is him not caring what I think anymore. Its like he feels so comfortable that he dosnt have to try. I keep myself fit and healthy for myself but also because I want him to feel attracted to me to. Like I said before he already told me he likes his women thin and fit. So im guessing he wouldnt like if I start piling on the pounds and binge eating.
You need to say exactly this to him, not to a bunch of strangers on some food tracking app/fitness forum.
QFT! I cannot imagine going on a public board and saying these things about my spouse/partner.
I'm not making fun of him or talking trash about him. I love and respect my boyfriend this is a fitness board and I thought it would be interesting to hear other peoples opinions or if they have ever had the same concerns on how they handle it.
Instead of communicating with him? Ok.
Not yet. I was hoping to get some advice on how to approach the topic in a sensitive way. Not to be juged. Have you never discussed somthing with a friend or asked someone advice about an issue before you brought it up with yout spouse?6 -
SarahAnne3958 wrote: »I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.
I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.
Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.
I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.
I'm stunned by the first comment. I shouldn't be but I am.
You seem to assume a lot about how he would react. Do you two ever talk?
I don't know why you're so stunned? Yes we have talked about it like I said he likes thin/fit girls. I don't think he would leave me if I gained weight but he would loose atttaction.2 -
I had this happen in a relationship a very long time ago, it wasn't why we broke up, but I will admit it was a part of it. However, this was after about 3 years of him not trying at all, and turning into more and more of a lazy slob. Maybe he needs a wake up call?
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I'm not known for my sensitivity, but when he would make comments about how pretty a model or woman is, and how that's how he likes his women, I'd be likely to pick out a guy I find attractive and point out that same thing. Personally, complimenting you is one thing (good) making comments on how women should be thin and that other women have a great body is not, in my book, okay.
Maybe just explaining to him that you work hard to keep your figure, not only for yourself but also for him, and that you would hope he'd feel the same way may trigger a conversation. He may have some stress going on that has him not caring, or he could just be comfortable in his relationship.
I've been in a relationship where we both put on some weight (we both went from slim and trim to slightly - barely by a BMI - overweight). While I hoped he would work on it, it wasn't a huge deal since I was in the same boat, but apparently that was not how he saw things. In his mind (as I found out when we finally divorced) I had "let myself go" and just wasn't as attractive anymore. The fact that he had done the same thing apparently,never occurred to him to be an equal consideration.
Lots of folks here saying to say nothing - I don't really agree with that, especially if it is affecting your attraction to him. Then again, I'd rather hear the truth (even if I don't like it) than go on blissfully unaware. He may or may not change, and you should be open and willing to hear if there's maybe some stuff going on in his life, but honestly sharing I think goes a lot further than letting things build up.9 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »youcantflexcardio wrote: »Attraction is important in a relationship. Especially in your 20s. For me his lack of caring about himself is him not caring what I think anymore. Its like he feels so comfortable that he dosnt have to try. I keep myself fit and healthy for myself but also because I want him to feel attracted to me to. Like I said before he already told me he likes his women thin and fit. So im guessing he wouldnt like if I start piling on the pounds and binge eating.
You need to say exactly this to him, not to a bunch of strangers on some food tracking app/fitness forum.
QFT! I cannot imagine going on a public board and saying these things about my spouse/partner.
I'm not making fun of him or talking trash about him. I love and respect my boyfriend this is a fitness board and I thought it would be interesting to hear other peoples opinions or if they have ever had the same concerns on how they handle it.
Instead of communicating with him? Ok.
Not yet. I was hoping to get some advice on how to approach the topic in a sensitive way. Not to be juged. Have you never discussed somthing with a friend or asked someone advice about an issue before you brought it up with yout spouse?
Considering that approximately 74% of the threads on this forum devolve into petty arguments, and this forum is actually better than most? No, I would literally never take relationship advice from strangers on an internet forum.
Asking people who know you, or know him, or even better who know both of you is a great idea.
Not knowing either one of you even remotely, it sounds to me like you are making a lot of assumptions about how he feels about how you look, about how he looks, and about what is causing his behavior. If you are committed to the relationship, this is something you do need to learn how to have an honest conversation about. Having different priorities and goals can be a big deal. If you feel disrespected, being able to voice that without judgement and find out if he really sees things that way is important. It's not always easy, but when you are still young is a great time to start to learn how to do that for yourself. He may be even more scared of talking about how he feels than you are, and is hiding it behind jokes and passive aggressiveness. Or he's just being a jerk. The sooner you can find out the better. Good luck
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I'm shocked at the amount of negative comments im getting. I get this is a sensitive subject and it probably affects some of you personally. But these are problems people have in relationships. I'm not shallow for thinking like this.10
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Yes we have talked about it like I said he likes thin/fit girls. I don't think he would leave me if I gained weight but he would loose atttaction.SarahAnne3958 wrote: »I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.
I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.
Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.
I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.
I'm stunned by the first comment. I shouldn't be but I am.
You seem to assume a lot about how he would react. Do you two ever talk?
You have not talked about why he's overeating or the fact that you don't find him attractive anymore. You haven't talked about the really important stuff.
I knew my husband liked redheads. You know your guy likes thin girls. That's what I call surface stuff.7 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »youcantflexcardio wrote: »Attraction is important in a relationship. Especially in your 20s. For me his lack of caring about himself is him not caring what I think anymore. Its like he feels so comfortable that he dosnt have to try. I keep myself fit and healthy for myself but also because I want him to feel attracted to me to. Like I said before he already told me he likes his women thin and fit. So im guessing he wouldnt like if I start piling on the pounds and binge eating.
You need to say exactly this to him, not to a bunch of strangers on some food tracking app/fitness forum.
QFT! I cannot imagine going on a public board and saying these things about my spouse/partner.
I'm not making fun of him or talking trash about him. I love and respect my boyfriend this is a fitness board and I thought it would be interesting to hear other peoples opinions or if they have ever had the same concerns on how they handle it.
Instead of communicating with him? Ok.
Not yet. I was hoping to get some advice on how to approach the topic in a sensitive way. Not to be juged. Have you never discussed somthing with a friend or asked someone advice about an issue before you brought it up with yout spouse?
Personally no. To me, that's a slippery slope to air dirty laundry outside the relationship. No one is judging you, but since you're on a public forum, you will get all types of responses. 🤷🏼♀️
No one here knows your relationship like you do. So, someone else's approach in their relationship might not work for you.
I hope you're able to communicate with him what you need because no one deserves to be in a relationship where the other party has checked out.3 -
I'm shocked at the amount of negative comments im getting. I get this is a sensitive subject and it probably affects some of you personally. But these are problems people have in relationships. I'm not shallow for thinking like this.
I've been backing you this whole time, I just think you need to grab your spine and be blunt with him. Approaching things in a delicate manner only diminishes thier importance, and this seems rather important to you.8 -
HoneyBadger155 wrote: »I'm not known for my sensitivity, but when he would make comments about how pretty a model or woman is, and how that's how he likes his women, I'd be likely to pick out a guy I find attractive and point out that same thing. Personally, complimenting you is one thing (good) making comments on how women should be thin and that other women have a great body is not, in my book, okay.
Maybe just explaining to him that you work hard to keep your figure, not only for yourself but also for him, and that you would hope he'd feel the same way may trigger a conversation. He may have some stress going on that has him not caring, or he could just be comfortable in his relationship.
I've been in a relationship where we both put on some weight (we both went from slim and trim to slightly - barely by a BMI - overweight). While I hoped he would work on it, it wasn't a huge deal since I was in the same boat, but apparently that was not how he saw things. In his mind (as I found out when we finally divorced) I had "let myself go" and just wasn't as attractive anymore. The fact that he had done the same thing apparently,never occurred to him to be an equal consideration.
Lots of folks here saying to say nothing - I don't really agree with that, especially if it is affecting your attraction to him. Then again, I'd rather hear the truth (even if I don't like it) than go on blissfully unaware. He may or may not change, and you should be open and willing to hear if there's maybe some stuff going on in his life, but honestly sharing I think goes a lot further than letting things build up.
Thank you, that was some really constructive advice instead of people judging me or making me out to be shallow 🙄5 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »youcantflexcardio wrote: »Attraction is important in a relationship. Especially in your 20s. For me his lack of caring about himself is him not caring what I think anymore. Its like he feels so comfortable that he dosnt have to try. I keep myself fit and healthy for myself but also because I want him to feel attracted to me to. Like I said before he already told me he likes his women thin and fit. So im guessing he wouldnt like if I start piling on the pounds and binge eating.
You need to say exactly this to him, not to a bunch of strangers on some food tracking app/fitness forum.
QFT! I cannot imagine going on a public board and saying these things about my spouse/partner.
I'm not making fun of him or talking trash about him. I love and respect my boyfriend this is a fitness board and I thought it would be interesting to hear other peoples opinions or if they have ever had the same concerns on how they handle it.
Instead of communicating with him? Ok.
Not yet. I was hoping to get some advice on how to approach the topic in a sensitive way. Not to be juged. Have you never discussed somthing with a friend or asked someone advice about an issue before you brought it up with yout spouse?
Considering that approximately 74% of the threads on this forum devolve into petty arguments, and this forum is actually better than most? No, I would literally never take relationship advice from strangers on an internet forum.
Asking people who know you, or know him, or even better who know both of you is a great idea.
Not knowing either one of you even remotely, it sounds to me like you are making a lot of assumptions about how he feels about how you look, about how he looks, and about what is causing his behavior. If you are committed to the relationship, this is something you do need to learn how to have an honest conversation about. Having different priorities and goals can be a big deal. If you feel disrespected, being able to voice that without judgement and find out if he really sees things that way is important. It's not always easy, but when you are still young is a great time to start to learn how to do that for yourself. He may be even more scared of talking about how he feels than you are, and is hiding it behind jokes and passive aggressiveness. Or he's just being a jerk. The sooner you can find out the better. Good luck
I wouldn't take the advice either unless I thought it was good. I just thought it would be interesting to have a conversation on the topic and hear other peoples stories.1 -
Have you never discussed somthing with a friend or asked someone advice about an issue before you brought it up with yout spouse?Chef_Barbell wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »youcantflexcardio wrote: »Attraction is important in a relationship. Especially in your 20s. For me his lack of caring about himself is him not caring what I think anymore. Its like he feels so comfortable that he dosnt have to try. I keep myself fit and healthy for myself but also because I want him to feel attracted to me to. Like I said before he already told me he likes his women thin and fit. So im guessing he wouldnt like if I start piling on the pounds and binge eating.
You need to say exactly this to him, not to a bunch of strangers on some food tracking app/fitness forum.
QFT! I cannot imagine going on a public board and saying these things about my spouse/partner.
I'm not making fun of him or talking trash about him. I love and respect my boyfriend this is a fitness board and I thought it would be interesting to hear other peoples opinions or if they have ever had the same concerns on how they handle it.
Instead of communicating with him? Ok.
Actually, no. I would never even talk to family about it. Topics that were between my husband and me stayed that way.
Just talk to him. Be kind. Don't be accusatory. Give him the opportunity to open up with you. His response may surprise you.
Communication is crucial between partners.8 -
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Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.5
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