Dad Jokes/Bad Jokes...

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  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    One sloth turned to another and said, "I used to dislike moss but now I think it's growing on me."
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    A lumberjack once told me he'd cut down 27,572 trees. I asked him how he knew the exact number. "Easy," he said, "I keep a log."
  • mytyglotz
    mytyglotz Posts: 1,804 Member
    Today I spotted an albino Dalmatian.

    It was the least I could do for him.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    edited December 2020
    What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

    "Breathe, damn it, breathe!"
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    My youngest son asked me what an acorn was. I told him, in a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    I went on a date last night with a girl I met at the zoo. She's a keeper.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    I never got remarried but I've had a few near Mrs.
  • thereshegoesagain
    thereshegoesagain Posts: 1,056 Member
    [/quote]
    Curious, I went to the zoo as well. It was rubbish - it only had one animal. It was a Shih Tzu.[/quote]

    I think that's the best one yet!
  • glassyo
    glassyo Posts: 7,736 Member
    drmwc wrote: »
    piggy_smalls wrote: »
    I went on a date last night with a girl I met at the zoo. She's a keeper.

    Curious, I went to the zoo as well. It was rubbish - it only had one animal. It was a Shih Tzu.

    OMG, I had to read that twice to get it.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    edited December 2020
    At my parole hearing, the board said to me, "Tell us why you should be released early."

    Me: Beca...
    [interrupting] Board Member: Yes?
    M: I think I have...
    [interrupting again] BM: Go on.
    M: Can I please finish my sentence?
    BM: Wish granted, parole denied.
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,508 Member
    My urologist’s office called today and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the Covid virus.

    One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed to administer my own urine test.
    This was to avoid those lab tests and because they're shutdown too.

    They instructed: Simply go outside and take a whiz in the front yard.

    If ant's gather: DIABETES.

    If you pee on your feet: PROSTATE

    If it smells like a barbecue: CHOLESTEROL

    If your wrist hurts when you shake it: OSTEOARTHRITIS

    If you return to your house with your crank outside of your pants: ALZHEIMER'S

    If the neighbor's wife doesn't call the police: Go Visit Her
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    What do you call a snowman temper tantrum?

    A meltdown.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    What do you call a dog that can do magic?

    A Labracadabrador.
  • MidlifeCrisisFitness
    MidlifeCrisisFitness Posts: 1,106 Member
    Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
    A: Envelope.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    A macaroni, a penne and a spaghetti were drinking one night. They saw a noodle sitting by itself at the end of the bar and decided to invite it over. It looked cannelloni.
  • getitamb
    getitamb Posts: 2,019 Member
    Did you hear the joke about the number 2 pencil?


    Nvm. It pointless.
  • getitamb
    getitamb Posts: 2,019 Member
    What do you call a bear with no ear?




    B
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?

    The abdominal snowman.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist,

    While you were arguing about the glass of beer, I drank it.

    Sincerely,
    The Opportunist
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    Quarantine has me so bored that I decided to read part of the dictionary. I've learned next to nothing.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    The salesman at the furniture store told me that my new couch would seat five people without any problems. Where the hell am I going to find five people without any problems?!
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • mytyglotz
    mytyglotz Posts: 1,804 Member
    How can a Leopard change his spots?

    By moving.
  • mytyglotz
    mytyglotz Posts: 1,804 Member
    edited December 2020
    The genie asked, "What's your first wish?"
    Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!"
    The genie nodded and said, "What's your second wish?"
    Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
  • mytyglotz
    mytyglotz Posts: 1,804 Member
    My friend said to me, "My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think would be a good replacement?"
    I replied, "Cats. Cats love fish."
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    An eating contest is just the beginning of a *kitten* contest.

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