Serious/heavy/deep/real stuff

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  • KickassAmazon76
    KickassAmazon76 Posts: 4,679 Member
    RAinWA wrote: »
    I have had a seriously sucky week. My step-mother died last weekend. She had been in failing health for awhile and was 89, but I am very sad to lose her and sad for everyone who loved her.

    Yesterday we got bad news about my husband's cancer and the doctors are basically doing a "hail Mary" round of chemo but are not hopeful at all. He is in pretty good spirits and still enjoying a good quality of life, it's just that the whole situation is unfair, miserable and is breaking my heart. Plus he lost all his hair (again) from the last round of radiation and is kind of bummed about that (although I think he looks really cute bald!) but said "it's just hair, maybe it will grow back again."

    This is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done.

    My heart goes out to you. I am so very sad for your family's loss and for the battle your husband is fighting. I hope this hail Mary pass works and that he's able to recover. Sending you much love and support. ❤️
  • RAinWA
    RAinWA Posts: 1,980 Member
    KickassAmazon76 wrote: »
    RAinWA wrote: »
    I have had a seriously sucky week. My step-mother died last weekend. She had been in failing health for awhile and was 89, but I am very sad to lose her and sad for everyone who loved her.

    Yesterday we got bad news about my husband's cancer and the doctors are basically doing a "hail Mary" round of chemo but are not hopeful at all. He is in pretty good spirits and still enjoying a good quality of life, it's just that the whole situation is unfair, miserable and is breaking my heart. Plus he lost all his hair (again) from the last round of radiation and is kind of bummed about that (although I think he looks really cute bald!) but said "it's just hair, maybe it will grow back again."

    This is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done.

    My heart goes out to you. I am so very sad for your family's loss and for the battle your husband is fighting. I hope this hail Mary pass works and that he's able to recover. Sending you much love and support. ❤️

    Thank you, you are so sweet. We are taking it a step at a time, a day at a time. I will always be grateful for the extra time I've already had with him.
  • ReenieHJ
    ReenieHJ Posts: 9,723 Member
    RAinWA wrote: »
    KickassAmazon76 wrote: »
    RAinWA wrote: »
    I have had a seriously sucky week. My step-mother died last weekend. She had been in failing health for awhile and was 89, but I am very sad to lose her and sad for everyone who loved her.

    Yesterday we got bad news about my husband's cancer and the doctors are basically doing a "hail Mary" round of chemo but are not hopeful at all. He is in pretty good spirits and still enjoying a good quality of life, it's just that the whole situation is unfair, miserable and is breaking my heart. Plus he lost all his hair (again) from the last round of radiation and is kind of bummed about that (although I think he looks really cute bald!) but said "it's just hair, maybe it will grow back again."

    This is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done.

    My heart goes out to you. I am so very sad for your family's loss and for the battle your husband is fighting. I hope this hail Mary pass works and that he's able to recover. Sending you much love and support. ❤️

    Thank you, you are so sweet. We are taking it a step at a time, a day at a time. I will always be grateful for the extra time I've already had with him.

    Wish there was a way to give you some real help. :(
    It's a terrible feeling. No way around it. I cannot tell you how sorry I am, also about your step-mother. You're definitely getting stormed on. {{HUGS}} I wish you peace, comfort and a strong circle of support surrounding the both of you during this time.
  • slimgirljo15
    slimgirljo15 Posts: 269,456 Member
    RAinWA wrote: »
    I have had a seriously sucky week. My step-mother died last weekend. She had been in failing health for awhile and was 89, but I am very sad to lose her and sad for everyone who loved her.

    Yesterday we got bad news about my husband's cancer and the doctors are basically doing a "hail Mary" round of chemo but are not hopeful at all. He is in pretty good spirits and still enjoying a good quality of life, it's just that the whole situation is unfair, miserable and is breaking my heart. Plus he lost all his hair (again) from the last round of radiation and is kind of bummed about that (although I think he looks really cute bald!) but said "it's just hair, maybe it will grow back again."

    This is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done.

    Im so sorry 😞 Its going to be an extremely tough time for you both one of the toughest is losing a loved one.
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
    RAinWA wrote: »
    Thank you both. I was having a bit of a pity party earlier but I think sometimes I just need to go ahead and feel angry and sad for myself and then I can just get onto the next thing I need to do.

    That is 100% understandable and okay. Sometimes, anger can be beneficial.

    I recall having similar emotions/reactions when my stepmother took a steep decline in February due to cancer. It's such an unfair, cruel disease and it doesn't seem to care whether the person is young or old.

    You do what you need to for yourself. :heart:
  • ReenieHJ
    ReenieHJ Posts: 9,723 Member
    RAinWA wrote: »
    Thank you both. I was having a bit of a pity party earlier but I think sometimes I just need to go ahead and feel angry and sad for myself and then I can just get onto the next thing I need to do.

    Yes, it's okay and expected to feel the feelings of all you're going through. It's a tough emotional situation. :(
    My sister has probably apologized for crying 100's of times while going through her pre/post loss of her dh. :( I told her she needs to cry, should feel free to cry, and it's actually expected. Her dd made her feel very uncomfortable for showing her emotions because then it made *her* uncomfortable as well. :( One thing I've learned is feelings and showing your emotions are perfectly acceptable.

    Just remember to keep taking care of YOU.
  • RAinWA
    RAinWA Posts: 1,980 Member
    Thanks for the understanding both of you - it makes me feel better about sometimes feeling like I'm weak for not being able to handle everything perfectly. I know that's not true but it's what it feels like sometimes.

    We keep going, one step at a time, one day at a time.
  • Versicolour
    Versicolour Posts: 7,164 Member
    Thewarriorlady00 wrote: »
    My partner of 5 years has just dumped me by text messages.

    He deployed to Afghan after spending 6 weeks at home with me living our normal life. Waited two weeks and sent me four bunches of flowers and text me telling me it was over.

    After thorough discussion- turns out he cheated on me a year ago whilst on a job in America (which was brought up at the time but heavily denied) and the guilt of living a lie has killed him ever since.

    He’s dropped me and my children on our arses in the worst way possible as I’m a domestic abuse survivor from a previous relationship, with ptsd and gad. My head is focked. I’m struggling to cope. I don’t have a massive network as I struggle trusting people enough to let them in as I’m terrified of being hurt- now this.

    What an poop hole! I'm so sorry. I can relate to the ptsd from domestic abuse and the trust issues because of it. He did not deserve the 5 years you gave him and he did not deserve you. You are worthy of love and respect and he was clearly not capable of giving you either.

    If you want someone (completely random and never likely to see in person) to talk to, I am here.
  • RAinWA
    RAinWA Posts: 1,980 Member
    Cat0703a wrote: »
    @RAinWA you are going through something unbearably hard. I would safely bet that no one expects you to be stoic or brave all of the time. Heck, even most of the time!! I get putting on a brave face for your husband but I bet even he doesn’t expect that either. So please don’t put pressure on yourself to do it “perfectly”. Sending you a tight squeeze. And keep checking in with us here if it brings you relief. ❤️

    Thank you. You are absolutely right. I tend to be a bit hard on myself sometimes.
  • RAinWA
    RAinWA Posts: 1,980 Member
    Thewarriorlady00 wrote: »
    My partner of 5 years has just dumped me by text messages.

    He deployed to Afghan after spending 6 weeks at home with me living our normal life. Waited two weeks and sent me four bunches of flowers and text me telling me it was over.

    After thorough discussion- turns out he cheated on me a year ago whilst on a job in America (which was brought up at the time but heavily denied) and the guilt of living a lie has killed him ever since.

    He’s dropped me and my children on our arses in the worst way possible as I’m a domestic abuse survivor from a previous relationship, with ptsd and gad. My head is focked. I’m struggling to cope. I don’t have a massive network as I struggle trusting people enough to let them in as I’m terrified of being hurt- now this.

    That is absolutely terrible - so sorry he's a jerk. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Big hugs to you.
  • KickassAmazon76
    KickassAmazon76 Posts: 4,679 Member
    ReenieHJ wrote: »
    @KickassAmazon76 {{HUGS}} to you my dear, for being a great mom, one who's caught in wild wicked wacky teenage years x2. Teens have such a hard time finding their own place in this world without all the extenuating circumstances your two are dealing with. Because there's no training manual on how to parent(especially starting from age 10-25), I just want to suggest you hang in there the very best that you can because it does get easier. Well, hmmm, maybe not, because then there comes that time when they leave the nest and that's no fun either. :/ But as far as their emotions running amok and confusion causing chaos for them, that part does get better. Just keep loving them and being a great role model for them, basically be there for them. Look around lady, you're such a great parent compared to many. And you can only do what you can do with what you've been given. Keep taking care of you!!! Such an important thing to remember.
    Take heart; some day they will both look back and be extremely grateful for being the parent you're struggling so hard to be right now. And they're both so young to say no children are in their future. Never say never is what I say.
    Find a positive self-talk mantra and repeat it whenever you need it. "I'm a good mom" ex. <3

    Thank you for these words of encouragment. They mean a lot. I hope that I can get them to the point where they are capable functioning adults, who can look back and say "mom may have screwed up a lot, but she loved us with all her heart and did her very best... and that was enough".

    I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it is for them. I thought my teenage years were tough, and I was a cis het teen girl who was thin, smart, and pretty. I 'had it all going' for me, but was teased and mocked relentlessly and that made me feel suicidal. I cannot imagine how I would feel if I felt like I was trapped in the wrong gender and then ostracized for trying to be me. Or how I'd feel if on top of that I'd lost my home in a fire, my parents divorced (not amicably), I struggled with a learning disorder, social anxiety, and the list goes on.

    The only thing I know is that I have no idea what it's like to walk in their shoes... I just know that it felt impossible to walk in mine when I was their age. So I try to relate where I can, try to find them help where I fall short, and love them with all I have. And really REALLY hope it is enough.
  • KickassAmazon76
    KickassAmazon76 Posts: 4,679 Member
    BZAH10 wrote: »

    I felt like this quite a bit when my son was a teenager. He had different reasons than your kids do for lashing out at me, but after a while I finally understood WHY I was the one he lashed out at. It's because he knew that no matter what I'd always be there for him. I wasn't going anywhere (unlike his absent father).

    He couldn't lash out at his teachers or counselors or therapists or later, his bosses and co-workers, so it was ME who was at the receiving end of his vents and I was okay with that. He needed an outlet that wasn't going to cause additional problems in his life.

    Now, he was never disrespectful or mean (not saying your kids are; just that I wouldn't have allowed that) so I just listened and let him get it all out and asked what I can do to help.

    As others have said, it DOES get better. My son will be 30 next year and he's a super awesome person. (Mom isn't biased at all, right?) Hang in there! You're doing great and your kids will find their way thanks to you.

    It is true... we are the meanest to the ones we feel safest with. It sucks, but it does make it a bit easier to take. :heart: Thank you for this reminder. I appreciate it and hope you are right!
  • ExpressoLove11
    ExpressoLove11 Posts: 340 Member
    @KickassAmazon76 You are one badass woman. Honestly. I see your statuses on my timeline and am blown away sometimes by how much you deal with. You are showing your kids what it is to be resilient and loving and kind and empathetic and all the things that will turn them into awesome adults. I can only imagine how tired you must get and its perfectly OK for you to feel the things you do. But know that we see you and draw inspiration from your strength 👊
  • slimgirljo15
    slimgirljo15 Posts: 269,456 Member
    KickassAmazon76 wrote: »
    I want to start by saying that I absolutely adore my kids, with all that I have. They are my everything and I'd be lost without them.

    I have been struggling lately with feeling grief. My kids are 14 and 16 now. My 14yo is trans male, my 16yo is an opinionated moody angsty teen female, who is regularly angry about injustice. I appreciate her passion, but it's exhausting because injustice is everywhere, and all she wants to do is be angry about it. Both kids have made it very clear that (at least right now), they hate the idea of having kids. Or even being married. Given the situation with their dad, I get it. Both kids have PTSD, both kids have a lot of anger and resentment, both struggle with ADHD / mental health issues. It's intense and painful. And heavy, almost all of the time. My son has changed his name again, and I am tryiing so hard to support the new name and pronouns, but it seems I am constantly being chastized for making another mistake. Not only that, but because they are part of the community... They have many friends with different pronouns, and I am chastized for forgetting theirs. (Not just he/she... but they/them, ze/zem, de/dem, ze/zir, etc). I feel like I am always screwing up and they're always correcting me.

    I see facebook memories popping up all the time of days gone by where I had two happy, loving, cuddly little girls ... the ones who looked up to me and hugged me because they loved me and I miss those kids so much. I'm lucky to get a single hug from my youngest... and my oldest is hit or miss too.

    I feel sad that I wasn't able to give them a happy carefree childhood, or a stable home, or a father who was able to love them more than he loves himself. I am sad that they are in a place where they battle with trauma and mental health issues, and half the time I have no idea how to help them.

    I see people having babies and little kids... and they're dreaming about their little girls or boys growing up and having kids of their own, and the inner cynic in me says it's pointless to think that. You don't even know what their gender will be. And then I feel guilty for thinking that. I support my son wholeheartedly in being the person he needs to be. But I really miss my baby girl, too.

    These are just feelings. Intense ones, but still feelings nonetheless. I protect my kids from these feelings I am feeling, and that's why I am putting them out here in the world, with a bunch of anonymous friends.

    Biggest of hugs to you 🤗 Yep, parenting is tough and mum is often underappreciated but I hope as they get older they will appreciate that you were there for them always with your love and support. They are going through so much stuff at a young age and whilst its not fair they take it out on you, it happens and it happens to most of us through nothing we've done and no fault of ours. Teenagers are a strange breed for sure 🙄
    You are doing your best and that's all you can do. You are a wonderful strong mother.. we all see it even if your kids can't right now. I can only imagine how draining everyday is.. please look after yourself too 🤗
  • OpheliaCooter
    OpheliaCooter Posts: 1,635 Member
    Kickass, imo you’re doing your absolute best. I don’t have any advice or cool things to say but I think you’re doing a good job. Good luck ☘️
  • Sixteen_Tons
    Sixteen_Tons Posts: 65 Member
    Hi ButterIsGood,
    ReenieHJ wrote: »
    ButterIsGood wrote: »
    I'm afraid of failure. I don't think I have what it takes to be good at anything. As soon as something becomes challenging, I abandon it. I'm 25 and I feel stuck in my life and its been like this for 4 years now. Feels like my life is a complete waste. Nothing ever changes. I'm terrified of making any moves forward because I don't want to fail or be rejected. But being stuck is also causing me anxiety and depression. Just stuck.


    Take a small step out of your comfort zone and learn to love yourself, laugh a lot and live your life! Just one small step at a time and pretty soon the successes will multiple and your confidence levels will allow you to try new things more often. YOU can do this. We all fail sometimes. We all learn from our mistakes. AND we all feel stuck at times. Just keep moving forward, whether it's by inches or a mile, each day.
    I tend to stay in the house, in my comfortable little cocoon, where I feel safe and cannot make mistakes or be a failure at anything. Then I look out at the world passing me by and realize all that I'm missing. :( So please, take 1 step out of your comfort zone and soon you'll feel as if you can do it more freely. I have a 29 yo dd who always holds her head high and appears to be the epitome of confidence. I asked her once how she got all the confidence in our family( no one else seems to have it :/). She told me she acts the part. Maybe pretending will get you to the feeling real part.
    Don't let anyone else define who you want to be; that is for you to find for yourself. And enjoy life along the way.
    Many years ago, I got to a point in my life where I really didn't care what happened to me. My dear friend talked me into flying to Florida for a week. Everything in me said no. But they bought me a ticket anyways and I went(my dd age 13 at the time had been invited so it made it a bit easier). I had never flown due to being afraid. Then my dear friend insisted we go parasailing; okay being terribly afraid of heights and water, I again said no. But she got me up there somehow. It was amazing and I'll always remember the experience. Just last summer of 2019, my dd and her bf convinced me to fly to Iceland with them. Again, my brain was screaming nononono, but I went and am glad I did. Lots of mistakes along the way and feeling like a buffoon but it was so worth it.
    So take that step outside of your comfort zone. :)

    Just one more thing.....Nature helps. :) Honestly. Who can climb to the top of a mountain, or sit on the edge of an ocean and not be in awe of our world? It is truly be

    The advice above spot on. I've seen the results of taking the easy way out. Recently I had lunch with an individual that had a profile similar to your's, we had been seriously involved 40 years ago. They were always somewhat risk adverse, often not trying something because they may fail. We eventually broke up because they absolutely refused to discuss having a family because of the risks of failure. We met for lunch recently for lunch after 40 years. They hadn't had a relationship in 30 years, didn't leave the house except for work. They had become suspicious, and cynical of everyone's motive. We met for Lunch because we had been close in the past, when I suggested we have lunch every couple of months, they refused siting it would be 'for the best'. I couldn't see any sign that there'd been any joy or love in they're life, and to the best of my ability I can't see that she'll never have any. What a waste, so much potential lost.

    Please keep pushing at your comfort zone, the results are awesome! It's a night & day transformation.
  • Sixteen_Tons
    Sixteen_Tons Posts: 65 Member
    Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! I was not comfortable with the tenor of the chit-chat board, humor has it's place, but, sometimes you're looking a real reply, not a flip response.

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