Wrong answers ONLY!

I would trade places with Sisyphus. I've always wanted to be immortal, and pushing a boulder up a hill over and over for eternity seems like such a meaningful existence. It's probably the next best thing to swimming laps forever, where I would just swim around and around and never actually get anywhere. My only concern is whether he would take proper care of my musical instruments.

Same question: if you could trade places with anyone, who would it be?

I would like to be able to walk and chew gum at the same time. People are always saying to me, "Can't you walk and chew gum at the same time?" I don't understand why they ask me that, but it's rather embarrassing to admit that I can't. I rarely chew gum, so that might be part of the problem. But if I could chew gum while walking, I think I'd really impress a lot of people.

What's the optimum number of shoes to own? (I have three, and I'm wondering if I should get a couple more)

I'm a little weak in the area of thermodynamics (perhaps @nossmf knows), but I'm thinking maybe a couple gross of sterno cans might provide a fair amount of heat.

How many naps a day should one take, on average?

Cooler water is supposed to be good for the skin, and stimulating to the nervous system, so right above freezing is ideal. This temperature is achieved by running cold water until the tub is half full, then fill the rest of the way with ice cubes. Enjoy!

Many people say their choice of pet is better than anyone else's. What is the biggest advantage of having a pet skunk?

frankwbrown wrote: »

I'm a little weak in the area of thermodynamics (perhaps @nossmf knows)...

You came to the right place, as not only do I know all about therm- (the little plastic nubs on the ends of McDonald's kid's meal toys) o- (of, duh) dynamics (the art of blowing things up with little sticks of TNT), but I also am very good at bringing the heat. Such as when I came home from the bar at 3am, my wife was very hot under the collar that night, and I didn't even have to try to impress her with my litany of excuses.

But that's not the last question asked! The lady wanted to know about my favorite insect! Clearly the most useful is the army ant, nature's natural garbage disposal. Have you ever seen pictures of how they can completely clear all the plants and animals for miles in the rain forest? I figured they can do the same at my home, just for the after-dinner unwanted leftovers. I installed a large pit in the back yard, lined the sides with teflon (since nothing sticks to teflon, that's what all the commercials say), and filled it with about 10,000 army ants. (Restaurants wanting to use this trick may want to start with a million.) After meals, I step onto a pirate's gangplank which stretches across the pit and scrape off all the bits of food from my plates and frying pans down to the hungry mass below. Poof! No more leftovers. I'm currently working on a system to allow me to lower my plates and cooking utensils down into the pit, let the ants clean them for me (no more washing dishes!), and then retrieve them, but the ants are being slightly uncooperative by not letting go of the clean dishes after they've eaten all the food off them. Still ironing out the details...

On a completely unrelated note, I recently let my daughter's dog out into the backyard, and he hasn't been seen since. Does anybody know where my daughter's dog has gone?

They all got kazoos in their stockings from disgruntled elves.

What work related goal should I set for myself this year that will impress my new boss?

Calories lost need to be regained in the same manner. If you sweat the calories away, say in a sauna, you need to replace these liquid calories with your choice of liquid refreshment. So weigh yourself before your workout, weigh again after the workout, that is the weight of the liquid calories lost via sweat. Drink that same weight in beer or wine to recover those calories. For the phenomenon called "calories burned during exercise," this is a little trickier, as the calorie replacements need to also be burning. The preferred method is baked Alaska flambe, one serving for each type of exercise employed to "burn calories." So if on leg day you do squats, leg press, lunges and a mile run, that's four exercises, so four servings. A balanced exercise and nutrition program aren't for the weak.

Speaking of drinking beer, I watched several commercials where the hero drank a beer, and poof, he changed from loser loner to life of the party. I've drunk an entire case of beers in my home, and so far nothing has changed. What am I doing wrong?

That would be @sandejones because anyone with a great Roadkill Stew recipe (see about 20 posts back) is going to have all the best recipes! 😉

It's cold outside this morning, and I'm running short of firewood. What's a good alternative?

I recommend the same advice my wife adheres to whenever she discovers a spider in the house...burn the house down. This lets you rebuild the house using non-wooden beams to your exact specifications, not to mention the wonderful opportunity to thank a firefighter in person for all the courageous acts they do on a daily basis. Bonus truth: since the house is now fire-proof, not only do you never have a termite care again, but you can employ a flame-thrower against future spiders. Win-win.

My kids have gotten accustomed to sleeping in during their winter break, but school resumes soon. What's the best way to get them used to waking up early again?

I'm looking forward to playing outside - going barefoot in shorts and a tee shirt. You heard it's 3 degrees F here today, right? That's the best temperature for playing in a sand box and swinging on swings. Of course, you'll have to dig through the snow to get to the sand and defrost the swing seats, but c'mon that's half the fun!

What's your favorite book?