I'm not attracted to my boyfriend but I can't leave him :-(

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Replies

  • HollywoodDJ
    HollywoodDJ Posts: 296
    Stringing him along is worse. If he is such a great guy, he deserves to find someone who feels attracted and in love with him. In the end you're being selfish because you would feel bad for hurting him, well, you're hurting him either way.

    Agreed...leave before you cheat on him or hurt him. He sounds like a GREAT guy.....maybe the reason you aren't attracted
    is because you have a hard time with commitment. I know this is the case with my step-sister right now. Has a wonderful guy...and she just postponed the engagement because she is freaking out and overwhelmed. She also isn't 100% attracted at time and is "annoyed" by his being nice, kind and sweet. I don't know what else to say except maybe you need some therapy.

    I don't know you...but I hope that you know you do deserve someone who treats you wonderful...and I hope that you learn cherish that and don't take it for granted.
  • angieleighbyrd
    angieleighbyrd Posts: 989 Member
    I'm gonna be a ***** here.

    He deserves better. Leave him so he can go find it.
  • grassette
    grassette Posts: 976 Member
    I've been contemplating about this for a while, and I feel I need a more individual response to my problem.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. He loves me more than anything in the world, does literally everything for me, always there for me, if I have a problem he will drop everything he's doing and come see me, always helping me out and giving me money if I need it, and is always patient enough to put up with my paranoia and insecurities - he is honestly the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, and makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world.

    I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.

    I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

    I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.

    Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?

    That is the problem with sleeping with your BF. Bonding takes place. And you stick with it because of the bond, and not because you decided that you wanted to live the rest of your life with this person, and decided to marry. Now, if you leave, he gets badly hurt.

    The problem with living together is that you are practicing a lack of commitment, in case something better comes along, and the couple ends up using each other, or maybe one of them uses the other. That is why living together is a really bad thing to do over the long run.

    My question to you is: what are you looking for?

    Some version of romance fiction? A bodice buster? Cheap passion? Hot sex and heartache? Or a good man who will be a good husband and a great father to your children?

    If you loved your man, you would be ready for a little self-sacrifice, instead of peeking over his shoulder and trying to see if the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence. In any good marriage, desire waxes, wanes, and grows strong again. Love is not about feelings, but about commitment. You work at that, and everything else falls into place, including the desire.
  • mick365
    mick365 Posts: 2
    its because he's treating you too good, giving you everything and doing everything for you, he seems like a wet rag that needs to man up and start making you earn the right to be with him, then you would appreciate him,
  • meerkat70
    meerkat70 Posts: 4,605 Member
    I was thinking the same thing. Is it so rare that someone isn't a complete jerk to their SO that anyone who's slightly nice is the cream of the crop? It seems to me that there are some serious issues that need to be worked out in that relationship, regardless of whether the guy acts like a decent human being most of the time. Treating someone nicely is a prerequisite for a relationship, not a reason to stay in one.

    Exactly!

    no that's not true women like the mean guys, if you're nice to a girl she will cheat on you. If women don't agree with this it's because they have had other lovers.

    As I said, traumatic personal experience....
  • chicago_dad
    chicago_dad Posts: 357
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=np0solnL1XY
  • suziblues2000
    suziblues2000 Posts: 515 Member
    All I have to contribute to this is that love goes much deeper than the physical aspect of attraction.
  • jmjacobs45
    jmjacobs45 Posts: 2
    As a man myself, I will say you are not doing him any favors by being his "pity" girlfriend. Not trying to be harsh, but as an adult you need to be up front with him and move on. While there is nothing wrong with "who" or "what" you are attracted to, there is DEFINITELY something wrong with you stringing another individual along, especially when they care for you so much.

    Take this advice (ANY advice for that fact) with a grain of salt, but I will promise you this: If you continue with false feelings it will eventually come out and in a worse way than you can imagine.

    Think about it, would you want to be with someone when they personally don't appreciate you? Of course not.

    By the way, the comment about 'you know you will regret leaving him if he found someone else' (paraphrasing), that is "None of your business!" If you let him go, he's allowed to be his own person and do whatever he wants. It sounds to me that you want to have your cake and eat it too. You are fine with him showering you with attention, paying your bills, and making you feel special. Just know from here on out, if you continue with this disguised malevolent relationship cycle then you are making a conscious decision to hurt another individual. Believe me, its not so fun when it happens to you! To add, on some level he can tell. He may not want to accept the truth, but you can feel another individual's emotion. He is aware on some level that you are not completely there.

    Moral of Story: If you can do nothing else, at least give him the gift of honesty and the ability to find his own happiness. You owe him that much!
  • magsue
    magsue Posts: 90 Member
    He will get over you in time.its better to let him down now than later.
    He will meet someone that craves the nurture that he has and is willing to give.
    Be fair to both him and yourself let him rebuid his life and you yours,you cant choose who you fall in love with!!
  • lisakyle_11
    lisakyle_11 Posts: 420 Member
    girl, you need to end it with him. you aren't doing yourself or he any favors. he deserves someone that loves him and is atrracted to him...
  • SpydrMnky27
    SpydrMnky27 Posts: 381 Member
    Ya gotta let him go.
  • HollywoodDJ
    HollywoodDJ Posts: 296
    Love is a decision, NOT a feeling...you either choose to love someone or you don't. Plain & simple - we are to love for the personality and not for passion as it too will pass.


    SO TRUE!!! Very Wise Words.....When I married my now husband I was terrified. But we had a nine month old son together and I wanted my son to have a mommy and daddy....I know...I know...not the best reasoning to get married. But I had been married before and lost my husband in a car accident so I just didn't want to get married again. I knew what my vows meant and I knew they were sacred and serious. BUT....I married my husband almost 14 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did. When I made the commitment to LOVE HIM....out of that grew even more love. Today I couldn't imagine not being married to him and inlove with him. We have three beautiful and amazing boys and we are happily married. I love him more and more everyday.
  • Nopedotjpeg
    Nopedotjpeg Posts: 1,805 Member
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  • Rabid_Hamster
    Rabid_Hamster Posts: 338 Member
    End the relationship.
    You deserve someone you're attracted to and want to be with.
    He deserves someone who is attracted to him and wants to be with him.

    To continue the relationship is you being to afraid to tell him the truth. To be in a truly satisfying relationship, you have to be honest about what you want and need.
  • ffhsanfran
    ffhsanfran Posts: 63 Member
    Hmm. Talking and facing the music is the best. No one is perfect. On the other side of the relationship, your boyfriend might be feeling some chill, and might be over-compensating, being perfect and all. Maybe consciously maybe subconsciously.

    Pity does not fold into a long term goodness. Neither being perfect! It is not uncommon to have lived together for 6 years. And get married only to divorce in 6 months.
  • Cortnizzle
    Cortnizzle Posts: 26
    The constantly reminding you that if you left it would destroy him is a red flag if I ever saw one! Thats a dangerous dynamic to have with someone and its not fair to you that the rest of your life is obligated to him because of his insecurities. I hate to say it but his decisions are his own and if something bad happens because you break up with him, it really isn't on your conscience. I know you would feel bad but how do you want to live? Pain heals
  • Alicia_Monique
    Alicia_Monique Posts: 338 Member
    It's not fair to be unhappy because it makes one other person happy. I know exactly what you're going through and TRUST me, do not prolong it more than it needs to be, it will only get worse.
  • RMuske
    RMuske Posts: 271 Member
    Being annoyed because he is nice is odd.. Being annoyed because you can't stand his quirks and who he is is completly different. I was annoyed by his qualities that had nothing to do with him being nice or not. You can't force yourself to love someone or be attracted to someone your not.
  • Newfiedan
    Newfiedan Posts: 1,517 Member
    Men who do everything for a woman in the long run end up being resented and disrespected for it. You need to break up with him and yes it will hurt him but in the end it will make him stronger and more of a man, no one respects a door mat for a mate, so you know what needs to be done. This is not to say that he is a bad person, nor you for feeling the way you do but in the end he needs the strength to learn that being the doormat in the relationship will not serve his best interests nor yours.
  • xHelloQuincyx
    xHelloQuincyx Posts: 884 Member
    if he made you the happiest girl in the world, you really shouldnt care about looks. or maybe thats just me... sorry just trying to get my head around this. im attracted to my boyfriends personality, not nessisarily his looks. we still have a good relationship tho.
  • daffodilsoup
    daffodilsoup Posts: 1,972 Member
    It sucks to be broken up with, but it sucks really hard to find out that the other person was only with you because they felt bad about hurting you. Just let the poor guy go.
  • ProjectTae
    ProjectTae Posts: 434 Member
    Not to be mean, but I think you should leave him because he deserves someone who loves him unconditionally not someone who is with him because of pity, and constantly thinks about other guys, it just isn't really fair to him, and I know that you don't want to hurt him and your first love is the hardest to get over( if you even ever do), but I mean if you end up marrying him, etc. at some point you won't be able to put up with it anymore and their may be kids involved etc. at that time, it just simply isn't fair to string him along, and continue to let his feelings grow stronger for you.
  • xarla16
    xarla16 Posts: 84 Member
    Anyone who asks people if they should stay with someone probably already knows the answer. If you have to ask, then probably not.

    I think the song Popular by Nada Surf tells it pretty well:

    "Three important rules for breaking up
    Don't put off breaking up when you know you want to
    Prolonging the situation only makes it worse
    Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly
    Don't make a big production
    Don't make up an elaborate story
    This will help you avoid a big tear jerking scene
    If you wanna date other people say so
    Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected....."
  • wonderwomanwannaB
    wonderwomanwannaB Posts: 111
    I needed this thread. Thank you. Very similar situation... except I've always been physically attracted to him, there are other things in his life that 3 years later I can't get over. A lot of people on here have said things that I needed to hear to get the confidence to set us both free.
  • mznisaelaine
    mznisaelaine Posts: 2,262 Member
    This thread merely reinforces my philosophy that nice guys finish last,

    Omgosh, I will take a nice guy any day!

    But to the OP, dont string him along....You need to be honest with him...because if you seriously have doubts then don't let this go on with him. If you love him so much, then seeing him as attractive shouldn't even be an issue, right? So I am not sure if I am the only who interpreted this as you are only keeping him around because he is such a perfect guy. If you love him, then how he looks to you shouldn't even matter.

    Please be honest with the way you feel about him :flowerforyou:
  • Lift_hard_eat_big
    Lift_hard_eat_big Posts: 2,278 Member
    Enjoy your life knowing that you've settled
  • Newfiedan
    Newfiedan Posts: 1,517 Member
    This thread merely reinforces my philosophy that nice guys finish last,

    You can be a nice guy without being a door mat of a man. The biggest problem that so called nice guys have is being a door mat for the woman in the relationship. I was one of those men once upon a time until I learned better. I am still a nice guy married to a great woman with a wonderful son. I certainly did not finish last. Just be a good person that stands up for themselves and women/ppl will respect you a lot more.
  • Micksgurl
    Micksgurl Posts: 84
    In my opinion if he is telling you that he will do this or do that if you ever break up with each other he has some underlying issues. People change and outgrow each other and that will never change. NEVER feel obligated to stay with someone. If you have outgrown him you would be doing you and him a HUGE favor to end the relationship.
  • TheDudette
    TheDudette Posts: 173 Member
    This thread merely reinforces my philosophy that nice guys finish last,


    Bullcrap! My husband is the nicest guy in the world and I'm a freakin' catch.
  • TheDoctor90
    TheDoctor90 Posts: 461 Member
    This thread merely reinforces my philosophy that nice guys finish last,


    Bullcrap! My husband is the nicest guy in the world and I'm a freakin' catch.

    I didn't say it fits everyone. Just my personal experience, and therefore I live by it.
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