I'm not attracted to my boyfriend but I can't leave him :-(

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  • feltlikesound
    feltlikesound Posts: 326 Member
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    This is bizarre. You are both not ready for this relationship -- he is manipulating you with emotional blackmail in order to keep you, and you are opting to stay with him out of obligation, not sincere partnership. Attraction is what separates a solid friendship or room mate from a romantic partnership. You can certainly work at being physically connected to someone, but I am not sure that is right for this situation --- my gut says it is too far gone for BOTH of you. He is too insecure to be in a long term, stable partnership, and you are not reciprocating the relationship he thinks he has with you.
  • davitalynette
    davitalynette Posts: 117 Member
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    I can tell you that without a shadow of a doubt if he TRULY knew how you felt and that you are with him out of obligation since he's a 'nice guy' he would be shocked. If he loves you as much as it appears he does, he would prefer you to be happy with someone you could truly love & be attracted to than to settle for him out of sparing his feelings. Guys are emotionally stronger than we give them credit for most times - I'm positive he could handle it IF he knew the truth about how you've always felt. Hope this helps you out hun :-/
  • Natx83
    Natx83 Posts: 1,308 Member
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    Ignore everyone who is insulting you. They have hurt feelings from being dumped and are taking it out on you :)

    You cannot pretend to be happy for his sake, you will look back on that period of time and realise it was a waste of time. You BOTH deserve to be with someone who appreciates and loves you and is attracted to you.

    Edit: Someone told you to be honest and tell him you don't find him physically attractive. DON'T do that. A white lie is OK sometimes.

    Do not listen to the above person. Tell him, grow some ovaries and tell the man exactly... not some twisted truth of reality but exactly how you feel. Have the heart to tell him so there arent any reason for him to question it. Yeah It will suck *kitten*, yeah he will be most likely be heartbroken but he will get over it and be thankful that hes not "stuck" with somone who doesnt appreciate him.
  • RUN2CJ
    RUN2CJ Posts: 64 Member
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    I hope that all these posts help you, but in the end you must follow your heart.

    From experience (read some of my posts...) I can tell you that if you have already invested time, get out while you can, or you will continue to feel like this and it will only hurt the both of you.

    He may not ever lose the weight, and you really need to decide if you can live with that. I am personally dealing with an overweight SO and when we stopped being intimate, he found someone that would, adn now there is a baby momma in the picture and it’s not me.
    I pray that this road is not the one that you are on, get out while you can: maybe he has such a big personality to keep you and to compensate for his weight...
  • _Bob_
    _Bob_ Posts: 1,487 Member
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    How about a trial separation?

    That's an awesome Idea. Me and my wife had one of those by her request. I was heart broken, but once I realized that being a women doesn't always make you a lady I got over it. now sadly I see women different, I still try to treat them with respect, but after being burned you loose some of that respect.

    I went out and partied and had a blast while she sat home and cried over what she had done once she realized all that I did for her. And just to keep the air clear I stayed loyal and made sure the girls knew that I was still married. sadly being married didn't matter to most of the girls I met and a couple still tried to work there way in even after I got back with my wife.

    what I learned: women can be more shallow and use men as much as men use women, and most women do not deserve to be held in higher regard.

    there are some that do deserve respect, but they have to earn it.
  • iva001
    iva001 Posts: 162
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    If its a matter of him just losing weight and getting in shape, then yes, she should encourage him to do so. But if she just isn't physically attracted because he isn't her type and there is nothing he can do about it, then what good will come of telling him that?
  • iva001
    iva001 Posts: 162
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    Ignore everyone who is insulting you. They have hurt feelings from being dumped and are taking it out on you :)

    You cannot pretend to be happy for his sake, you will look back on that period of time and realise it was a waste of time. You BOTH deserve to be with someone who appreciates and loves you and is attracted to you.

    Edit: Someone told you to be honest and tell him you don't find him physically attractive. DON'T do that. A white lie is OK sometimes.

    Do not listen to the above person. Tell him, grow some ovaries and tell the man exactly... not some twisted truth of reality but exactly how you feel. Have the heart to tell him so there arent any reason for him to question it. Yeah It will suck *kitten*, yeah he will be most likely be heartbroken but he will get over it and be thankful that hes not "stuck" with somone who doesnt appreciate him.

    If its a matter of him just losing weight and getting in shape, then yes, she should encourage him to do so. But if she just isn't physically attracted because he isn't her type and there is nothing he can do about it, then what good will come of telling him that?
  • newerme15
    newerme15 Posts: 128 Member
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    wow...this story blows my mind....really though..what you are doing is very shallow and very selfish...obviously the guys loves ya..and you are very aware of it...yet..thinkin bout other fellas...you know...sounds like you want to keep him as a placeholder until somebody else comes along...want that cake and eat it too huh...it's not fair to him...it's not about how you feel about it...you're destroying him cause I guarantee he has it somewhat in his mind how you fee but probably blames it on something he's doing....you know...maybe you should just leave him..and perhaps he'll be just fine without out you...can't be much worse then doing things for and loving someone who don't love ya back...its not your call

    Wow this is so true. Hope you can come to a decision and very soon
  • beccci91
    beccci91 Posts: 214
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    update?
  • bluemorpho1247
    bluemorpho1247 Posts: 300 Member
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    He should leave you in my honest oppinion. If only he knew.

    Kinda have to agree with this ... It isnt fair! He should have the choice to leave you! I broke up with my bf of 5 years for a similar reason but the moment i realised i told him and moved on... we made it a mutual break-up
  • smilingchica
    smilingchica Posts: 279 Member
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    Please quit stringing him along, i've been on the other side (2.5 yrs) and it's a KILLER
  • jkcools
    jkcools Posts: 66
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    Nice guys finish last, and everybody wonders, "where are all the good men gone." Your damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Good Luck.
  • bradphil87
    bradphil87 Posts: 617 Member
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    I don't get why people start dating people they don't like in the first place....it's one thing I'll never understand. When I date someone I like them, that's pretty easy. If I do not like them, I don't date them. If I stop liking them I end the relationship. Being with someone just to be with someone is not going to make anyone happy in the long run. Just my 2 cents.
  • michellecatherine71854
    michellecatherine71854 Posts: 15
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    Based on your answer, your priorities are out of whack with where a mature individual's should be. I am 40 and am married to the same person for 17 years and known him over 20. You sound like you are in your early 20's and more hung up on the physical side of a relationship instead of that part of a relationship that will keep you together. I am not saying this to be mean or hurtful, but you are still young. Your post doesn't indicate that the 2 of you have children together and you haven't made any type of life-long commitment. It is easy to fall in love with the idea of something treating you like a queen. But, early relationships are to teach you how to have a successful one with the right person. I say go with your heart. Tell him how you feel and take a break from each other. Sure, you will be jealous if he finds someone else. We all feel like that, so that is normal. He is manipulating you by saying how he will hate all women if you leave, but that is also normal. It is part of learning how to have a relationship. Finally, you don't say you are in love with him or love him unconditionally, but that he feels this way about you. Don't settle. End it and see if it was meant to be. Good luck!
  • daffodilsoup
    daffodilsoup Posts: 1,972 Member
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    Don't tell him anything until you're moved out and safe. Men can get very violent when they are losing something they cherish. Don't tell him alone that is for sure.

    You can always flip the script. Start doing stuff you know he hates. Like burp or chew with your mouth open...lol. seriously, make him leave you. That's what I would do. Call him when you know he's sleep to say how much you love him. Start acting psychotic or schizophrenic....lol...start talking to yourself in third person..ROFL.....

    If all this fails stop giving him any booty he will roll out. Trust.

    I don't understand stuff like this. Why resort to playing stupid games and denying a seemingly nice guy sex? Why are people so incapable of sitting down together and having a conversation like two adults? Sit the poor man down and tell him that while you appreciate him or whatever, you just aren't in love with him anymore.
  • Jul158
    Jul158 Posts: 481 Member
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    Sometimes, you have to leave something good in order to find something great. I truly understand how difficult it can be and it will certainly hurt for awhile, love always does.

    As wonderful as he may be, you clearly know that you can ( and should!) expect to have a love that is passionate and enchanting..not just 'enough'.:smile:
  • SusanLovesToEat
    SusanLovesToEat Posts: 218 Member
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    Sorry for the bluntness, but you put it out there...
    You really think too much of yourself and it would be a great favor for you to stop deceiving the guy and step up and end the relationship for his sake.
    He sounds like a great guy and deserves someone who really loves him and finds him attractive so he can have a fullfilling adult relationship.
    To continue to "fake it" for his sake is BS. You're doing it entirely for yourself.
  • niknak2308
    niknak2308 Posts: 315 Member
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    Look at it this way - everyone (in my opinion) deserves to be with someone who genuinely wants to be with them, so in a way, you're actually stopping him from finding his "the one" and being totally happy.
    I was in a similar boat with my first bf, was with him for 4.5yrs (the last 2yrs or so because I "couldn't" dump him) and had to finally rationalise that I did care about him but not in a loving way - so it was only fair to let him go. It was bloody hard as I'd never been without him, but a few years on we're both happily settled in new relationships,and in another few years I'm sure I'll be long forgotten.
    And as another poster said, it IS manipulation him saying he'd not cope without you etc.x
  • littlelaura
    littlelaura Posts: 1,028 Member
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    You are asking because you already know your answer, you just want permission to act on how you feel. You wont grow attraction to him if it wasnt there at the start. He is a good person and friend, but it wont ever happen, youre just fooling yourself cus youre thinking whats not to like, he is the almost perfect package other than that you arent attracted and feel no desire for him, so maybe sadly not so perfect. You cant turn him into the one you love. You shouldnt feel guilt for being honest with yourself and him. Sure, no one likes to hurt anyone elses feelings especially if they are as nice as you say this guy is. Oh, you can like this guy, deeply care about him and maybe even love him for who he is,who he is , is a safe and wonderful friend, a very good person and nice guy. Who he is not, he is the one. The longer you drag this out, the longer you are stopping both of you from finding the right one for you. Let him down easy, try to preserve the beautiful loving friendship between the two of you. Then know you did the right thing, forgive yourself for breaking his heart, it will heal and he will love again. So will you. Then keep your eyes and heart wide open towards your future. Good Luck.
  • avafrisbee
    avafrisbee Posts: 234 Member
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    I know everyone here is saying leave him. I haven't read the 9 pages of responses but the responses I have read are telling you just that.

    First, all long term relationships are hard to get out of. It's hard to untangle your lives from each other. If you want out, get out now before it gets harder and harder. What would you do if he asked you to marry him? Say no? Say yes out of pity? End up divorced a few years later? What if there are kids involved then?

    Second, that primal urge to rip each others clothes off often fades as time wears on a relationship. Even if you find the hottie of your dreams that loves you every bit as much as this guy eventually the relationship will get boring.

    Third, all relationships require work and only you can decide if the relationship is worth that work. One can learn to find the person they are with attractive (arranged marriages are alive and well today and I have more than a few friends in arranged marriages and they love and respect their spouse, are happy and are raising happy children). But you are not forced into any relationship and have the choice to leave, so if you want to leave, I suggest you make the most of that choice, if not for yourself and your boyfriend, for all the men and women trapped in relationships that they can do nothing about.

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