I'm not attracted to my boyfriend but I can't leave him :-(
Replies
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The physical attraction thing lasts 7 years, tops. Friendship is the important thing in a marriage, not lust. The physical side comes and goes, but to spend you life with someone, you have to be best friends first.
I call BS. I've been with my husband for almost 12 years. I still want to jump him.
Don't believe anyone who tells you to stay with someone you're not attracted to. You'll just grow to resent them.
I am proof that you can have it all. My husband is smart, funny, kind, employed and I still want to pounce him.0 -
I was in the exact same situation as your boyfriend. I did everything I could to try and make my woman happy. I was even reading books on how to be the perfect boyfriend and let me tell you I was. The problem was I held her too close to me. That is no way to have a relationship. Relationships are two way streets. If you aren't planning a future with him then why hang out in the past. You owe it to yourself to move on. And most of all you owe him the respect to be honest with him. It will be hard for both of you, mainly him. You're his world and it will be hard for him to just up and move on.0
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What kind of life have you led that would make this seem like good advice?Don't tell him anything until you're moved out and safe. Men can get very violent when they are losing something they cherish. Don't tell him alone that is for sure.
You can always flip the script. Start doing stuff you know he hates. Like burp or chew with your mouth open...lol. seriously, make him leave you. That's what I would do. Call him when you know he's sleep to say how much you love him. Start acting psychotic or schizophrenic....lol...start talking to yourself in third person..ROFL.....
If all this fails stop giving him any booty he will roll out. Trust.0 -
I have to disagree with this. I've only been with my husband for 10 years so I can't speak for what happens after 20 or 30 years, but I believe people generally retain some attraction for each other even if it isn't as intense as it was in the beginning. Having no attraction at all is not a good thing. Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it isn't nothing, either. And being annoyed when your partner tries to be affectionate, that is a really bad sign.Second, that primal urge to rip each others clothes off often fades as time wears on a relationship. Even if you find the hottie of your dreams that loves you every bit as much as this guy eventually the relationship will get boring.0 -
Your worried about hurting his feelings but he deserves to have a girlfriend who would do anything for him like her would for you. The fair thing to do is end it. It will hurt at first but he'll get over it and learn from it. You'll find someone who you are attracted to and you'll be be probably happier apart.0
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Ill cite Shakespear............
"To thine own self be true"
And
"Honesty is the best policy..............0 -
Ill cite Shakespear............
"To thine own self be true"
And
"Honesty is the best policy..............
Yes this ^0 -
Beauty is fleeting so not being attractive physically doesn't matter. He sounds needy and that is unattractive for a man to be needy. It sounds like you know he is a good guy but not the guy for you. Maybe you two should take a break and be friends for a bit since you don't want to see him with someone else. Maybe in the friendship you will realize whether or not you should be together.
I am married and my husband looks good but sometimes I am annoyed with him and do not want him to touch me but I bet if he touched someone else it would make me flip out. So spend time with yourself (not trying to date someone else) and see if you can get those old feeling back for him or if you like being with you first.
Words from a wise women once told me that if it doesn't feel right in your gut then it ain't right!0 -
Put yourself in his shoes, would you want a guy to stay with you when he wasn't attracted to you and just staying with you out of pity?!?! Stop playing the guy, let him find someone that will love and appreciate him.0
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Leave him, you are punishing yourself and him.
If you leave him you can be with someone you actually are attracted to, and he can be with someone who is attracted to him and isn't annoyed by his little things like you said you are.
Being emotionally blackmailed, either intentionally or not are the worst reasons ever to stay with someone. Leave him and let both of you be truly happy, rather than one unhappy and the other clueless.0 -
<i>I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.
</i>
You sound too young to commit to someone.
But what's up with the jealousy? Is it taking care of you, that you'd miss?
And I do agree "he's trying to keep you the wrong way".
Now can I have him? Sounds perfect!
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I think you know the answer to this. You need to let him go, can you imagine how much he would hurt if he knew how you really felt and that you were just "putting up with him"? Look, don't beat yourself up about it too much but you have to do the right thing and let him go. The pain for him will eventually subside, and it's something EVERYBODY goes through so why do you think he should be exempt from that? I am speaking from experience, I used to cringe when my ex would even touch me because it just plain wasn't right. If you do not let him go, you are doing both him AND yourself a HUGE disservice by staying in the relationship and wasting time. If he hates you, let him hate you for awhile. You know what you need to do, so please please please just do it.
and i'd also like to add, after getting out of my old relationship and into a better one (as well as being single for awhile) I can't even believe how alive I feel and how real attraction and passion feels for someone else...I want the same for you. Relationships are not a chore.0 -
What kind of life have you led that would make this seem like good advice?Don't tell him anything until you're moved out and safe. Men can get very violent when they are losing something they cherish. Don't tell him alone that is for sure.
You can always flip the script. Start doing stuff you know he hates. Like burp or chew with your mouth open...lol. seriously, make him leave you. That's what I would do. Call him when you know he's sleep to say how much you love him. Start acting psychotic or schizophrenic....lol...start talking to yourself in third person..ROFL.....
If all this fails stop giving him any booty he will roll out. Trust.
Really? Do you even have to ask? I left a man that "couldn't live without me"....
The truth was he didn't want me LIVING....without him.
DUH!!!!!!
I still fail to see how playing childish games would be good advice, regardless of the type of life you lead.0 -
Your boyfriend sounds AMAZING...and someone is going to be very lucky and very fortunate to have him.
You should stop being selfish...and allow him the opportunity to be truly loved by someone else. Trust me...there are LOTS of women everywhere, who would love to have that kind of unconditional love and respect from a man.
Looks fade...the spark dims...but love and friendship matter, when all the physical stuff goes away.
AMEN!!!!!0 -
I've been contemplating about this for a while, and I feel I need a more individual response to my problem.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. He loves me more than anything in the world, does literally everything for me, always there for me, if I have a problem he will drop everything he's doing and come see me, always helping me out and giving me money if I need it, and is always patient enough to put up with my paranoia and insecurities - he is honestly the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, and makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world.
I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.
I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.
I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.
Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?
YOU CAN LEAVE HIM!!!!! DO IT!
I have been through this TWICE! You will feel like a MILLION FREAKING BUCKS!
And he will cry like a baby for a while, then get the hell over it and find someone who wants to HUMP HIM ALL THE TIME!!
EMPHASIS!!!!!!!0 -
Oh, and do it honestly. Just tell him you want him to find someone who'll love him like he deserves. Tell him he's wonderful as a friend, but not as a future husband. Then move him out ASAP and don't talk. Seriously, cold turkey. Please PM me if you would like! I went through this EXACT thing with a 3.5 year relationship in undergrad and I just broke off a 7-month long relationship like this a couple weeks ago. They were GREAT fellas but I wasn't attracted to them.0
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Well, nothing like good old fashion honesty. And I'm about to give you some honesty, from my perspective.
First, reading your post. I get the impression you are both very young. With that in mind, I will say this. If you are both young you have a lot of life ahead of you. Ships pass through the night all of the time, and they just keep on sailing.
Second, if you feel this way about him you don't love him. You think you do because you love getting the attention you are getting. He treats you good and you like that. As you should. BUT....if you don't have the physical attraction for him and you don't even like kissing him, you don't really love him.
Third, he deserves someone in his life that is going to give back to him what he is willing to give. He is giving, but you are not giving back.
So, that is some honesty..from my perspective. You are just both heading down a bad road and both of you are going to get hurt. And I doubt you want to hurt him. But...you are.
It's better that you sit down with him and be straight forward and honest. Yes it is going to hurt him, but maybe you both can learn to be very close friends in the end. And wouldn't you rather have that, than to have nothing at all if you hurt him worse down the road?
Seriously, think about what you are saying and what you are doing. Give this a little thought and ask yourself, "Do I really love him?". Or "Do I love how he treats me?"
Are you willing to give back to him what he is giving you?
And if you let this go on and you hurt him even worse, wouldn't you feel bad that you were not more direct and honest earlier and you could have saved at least a very close friendship?0 -
bump0
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don't feel like you HAVE to bewith him. attraction is one of the main reasons for being in a relationship. everything you described is exactly what every girl wants in a guy but it also needs that spark that makes you get butterflies or else it just sounds like a friendship.. think deep within yourself.0
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Stay with him forever.0
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The fair thing to do is to let him move on and find someone who does find him attractive as well as love his personality. Life is to short to settle for only half of the equation. That goes for the both of you!
^^This!0 -
Life's too short to stay in a situation you aren't happy with.0
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Well, nothing like good old fashion honesty. And I'm about to give you some honesty, from my perspective.
First, reading your post. I get the impression you are both very young. With that in mind, I will say this. If you are both young you have a lot of life ahead of you. Ships pass through the night all of the time, and they just keep on sailing.
Second, if you feel this way about him you don't love him. You think you do because you love getting the attention you are getting. He treats you good and you like that. As you should. BUT....if you don't have the physical attraction for him and you don't even like kissing him, you don't really love him.
Third, he deserves someone in his life that is going to give back to him what he is willing to give. He is giving, but you are not giving back.
So, that is some honesty..from my perspective. You are just both heading down a bad road and both of you are going to get hurt. And I doubt you want to hurt him. But...you are.
It's better that you sit down with him and be straight forward and honest. Yes it is going to hurt him, but maybe you both can learn to be very close friends in the end. And wouldn't you rather have that, than to have nothing at all if you hurt him worse down the road?
Seriously, think about what you are saying and what you are doing. Give this a little thought and ask yourself, "Do I really love him?". Or "Do I love how he treats me?"
Are you willing to give back to him what he is giving you?
And if you let this go on and you hurt him even worse, wouldn't you feel bad that you were not more direct and honest earlier and you could have saved at least a very close friendship?
EXCELLENT ADVICE...0 -
I've been contemplating about this for a while, and I feel I need a more individual response to my problem.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. He loves me more than anything in the world, does literally everything for me, always there for me, if I have a problem he will drop everything he's doing and come see me, always helping me out and giving me money if I need it, and is always patient enough to put up with my paranoia and insecurities - he is honestly the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, and makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world.
I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.
I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.
I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.
Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?
Oh girl... Ive been exactly where you are in 3 relationships... and believe me, you are doing worse by staying by his side, because HE KNOWS you are not crazy about him, and that is more painful. long long pain... If you break up, it will hurt, but he will survive and find someone who really loves him how he deserves!! It is really hard to do, but THIS IS NOT FAIR TO YOU AND TO HIM!!! YOU DESERVE TO BE CRAZY IN LOVE AND HE DESERVES TO BE WITH SOMEONE THAT TRULY LOVES HIM.
BELIEVE ME I'VE BEEN THERE AND I KNOW WHAT IM TELLING YOU!
ps: I found someone I'm in love with know, and his presence makes me happy.0 -
Hunny I was in almost the exact same situation as you are currently in. And I let him go. It was actually the better thing to do for me. It's not fair to either of you to stay in this relationship. If you do decide to break it off though, try to take it slow. I had a serious talk with my boyfriend about it and we took two weeks off from each other (I did this so he could get a taste of life without me) and then after that we met up and I pulled the plug. He was crushed, and still tells me he thinks about me every day, but I know he'll be okay.
As for the not finding trust part; he will. As long as you're honest with him there's no reason for him to not trust anyone. I kept telling my boyfriend when he accused me of "playing" him "now do you really think I would do that to you? I'm only doing this because it's whats best for us." and even if he doesn't see it right away (he probably won't from what I went though), he will eventually. And don't worry about becoming jealous over seeing him with another girl. From what you wrote he loves you very much and probably won't move on fast enough for you to be jealous. I wish both of you the best of luck!0 -
All I can say is that after six years of ups and downs with my boyfriend: been there, done that.
And it does get better! I have my periods of doubt in which his presence alone drives me up an absolute wall but the phase almost always passes. His good qualities outweigh any difficulties we might come across and I am horribly attracted to him outside of those phases. I was not attracted to him initially when we began dating in high school but years later I couldn't have found a better mate. He is kind, generous, sweet, wonderful and handsome to me.
It sounds to me like you're eager to try dating others and you feel the relationship is stale. Either way, you are being incredibly selfish not opening up to him and letting him know. When I told my boyfriend back then how I felt, he felt sad but we worked together to find out where the passion went and why certain things he did bothered me.
Turns out it was me the entire time!
I hope that you find what is right for you and please remember that you only live once and your life should not be led in fear that someone else will fall apart without you. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.0 -
I've been contemplating about this for a while, and I feel I need a more individual response to my problem.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. He loves me more than anything in the world, does literally everything for me, always there for me, if I have a problem he will drop everything he's doing and come see me, always helping me out and giving me money if I need it, and is always patient enough to put up with my paranoia and insecurities - he is honestly the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, and makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world.
I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.
I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.
I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.
Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?
Just imagine yourself in his shoes with another guy that you love so dearly that you'd do everything for him however the guy doesn't love you but is afraid of letting you know & so he is there for you "out of force" & at the end you'd see him with another woman & you figured out what went wrong. See that is life, sometimes we need to feel hurt for us to become stronger individuals. Its part of growing up. We can't have everything what we want & I'm pretty sure he understands it. I said it before & I'll say it again, many times its better to accept the bitter truth than to say it. I would rather have a guy directly saying it to me than seeing him with another woman & just leaving me all of a sudden.
I had one relationship like that before & I was literally scared to leave him because he had a history of attempting suicide before BUT there's nothing worse than giving him false hopes & so I took all my courage and told him straight about it. Was he hurt? Of course he is but the end result was we became good friends until now. Of course no matter how tactful your approach is, still he will find it painful but soon he'll get over it.0 -
Put yourself in his shoes, would you want a guy to stay with you when he wasn't attracted to you and just staying with you out of pity?!?! Stop playing the guy, let him find someone that will love and appreciate him.
^^ EXACTLY, except that its not about her playing the guy, its about her being SELFISH for not giving him an opportunity to find someone else more deserving of his love.0 -
Your boyfriend sounds AMAZING...and someone is going to be very lucky and very fortunate to have him.
You should stop being selfish...and allow him the opportunity to be truly loved by someone else. Trust me...there are LOTS of women everywhere, who would love to have that kind of unconditional love and respect from a man.
Looks fade...the spark dims...but love and friendship matter, when all the physical stuff goes away.
Well said.0 -
Based on your answer, your priorities are out of whack with where a mature individual's should be. I am 40 and am married to the same person for 17 years and known him over 20. You sound like you are in your early 20's and more hung up on the physical side of a relationship instead of that part of a relationship that will keep you together. I am not saying this to be mean or hurtful, but you are still young. Your post doesn't indicate that the 2 of you have children together and you haven't made any type of life-long commitment. It is easy to fall in love with the idea of something treating you like a queen. But, early relationships are to teach you how to have a successful one with the right person. I say go with your heart. Tell him how you feel and take a break from each other. Sure, you will be jealous if he finds someone else. We all feel like that, so that is normal. He is manipulating you by saying how he will hate all women if you leave, but that is also normal. It is part of learning how to have a relationship. Finally, you don't say you are in love with him or love him unconditionally, but that he feels this way about you. Don't settle. End it and see if it was meant to be. Good luck!
This0
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