I'm not attracted to my boyfriend but I can't leave him :-(

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  • teasdino
    teasdino Posts: 228 Member
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    Ok,
    So I don't usually respond to posts that have pages of responses, but I will this time. just know that these are my own opinions.
    The relationship is flat out doomed to fail.
    You say you were never attracted to him. Big mistake to keep going out with him. That means at some point you have already lied. A relationship can't stand the test of time when the foundation is based on a lie. How come I say you lied? When he talks about the future do you ever stop him?
    He is your safety net. The world is a scary place when you think about being out there alone. Don't stick with him just because you don't want to be alone. The relationship will fail and leave both of you worse off.
    For him to say he will become a cold person and all that rot means he knows something s not right. That is a manipulative move. Next he will threaten suicide. I have watched friends be in those relationships. Guess what, they end.
    This is not a healthy match for either one of you. Both of you need some growing up.
    As for the nice guys theme, I disagree with it all. A nice guy does not resort to manipulation to keep his girl. A nice guy is stable and confident. I married a nice guy. Never had the want to cheat. Still attracted to him, even after 24 and a half years. And yes... I was smokin hot when we got married...lmbo! But we started off as friends and let the relationship grow on its own sweet time. We built a strong foundation of common interests and trust. He is my friend and my love. When people see us they say 'wow, you guys were born for each other'. Life has not always been easy, but it's worth it knowing we have each other.
    End it so you can both get on with your lives. He is a grown man, he will be better off with honesty. Doesn't mean you have to be harsh. Just be honest and get on with life. Just know if you end it, you can not use him as your crutch to lean on when times get hard. You will have to grow up and face life head on. But that is where happiness awaits to be found.
  • zenchild
    zenchild Posts: 680 Member
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    The physical attraction thing lasts 7 years, tops. Friendship is the important thing in a marriage, not lust. The physical side comes and goes, but to spend you life with someone, you have to be best friends first.

    I call BS. I've been with my husband for almost 12 years. I still want to jump him.

    Don't believe anyone who tells you to stay with someone you're not attracted to. You'll just grow to resent them.

    I am proof that you can have it all. My husband is smart, funny, kind, employed and I still want to pounce him.
  • chjstover
    chjstover Posts: 2
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    I was in the exact same situation as your boyfriend. I did everything I could to try and make my woman happy. I was even reading books on how to be the perfect boyfriend and let me tell you I was. The problem was I held her too close to me. That is no way to have a relationship. Relationships are two way streets. If you aren't planning a future with him then why hang out in the past. You owe it to yourself to move on. And most of all you owe him the respect to be honest with him. It will be hard for both of you, mainly him. You're his world and it will be hard for him to just up and move on.
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
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    Don't tell him anything until you're moved out and safe. Men can get very violent when they are losing something they cherish. Don't tell him alone that is for sure.

    You can always flip the script. Start doing stuff you know he hates. Like burp or chew with your mouth open...lol. seriously, make him leave you. That's what I would do. Call him when you know he's sleep to say how much you love him. Start acting psychotic or schizophrenic....lol...start talking to yourself in third person..ROFL.....

    If all this fails stop giving him any booty he will roll out. Trust.
    What kind of life have you led that would make this seem like good advice?
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
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    Second, that primal urge to rip each others clothes off often fades as time wears on a relationship. Even if you find the hottie of your dreams that loves you every bit as much as this guy eventually the relationship will get boring.
    I have to disagree with this. I've only been with my husband for 10 years so I can't speak for what happens after 20 or 30 years, but I believe people generally retain some attraction for each other even if it isn't as intense as it was in the beginning. Having no attraction at all is not a good thing. Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it isn't nothing, either. And being annoyed when your partner tries to be affectionate, that is a really bad sign.
  • sarajo16
    sarajo16 Posts: 142 Member
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    Your worried about hurting his feelings but he deserves to have a girlfriend who would do anything for him like her would for you. The fair thing to do is end it. It will hurt at first but he'll get over it and learn from it. You'll find someone who you are attracted to and you'll be be probably happier apart.
  • lloydrt
    lloydrt Posts: 1,121 Member
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    Ill cite Shakespear............

    "To thine own self be true"

    And

    "Honesty is the best policy..............
  • Tuffjourney
    Tuffjourney Posts: 971
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    Ill cite Shakespear............

    "To thine own self be true"

    And

    "Honesty is the best policy..............


    Yes this ^
  • Blu4dayz
    Blu4dayz Posts: 12
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    Beauty is fleeting so not being attractive physically doesn't matter. He sounds needy and that is unattractive for a man to be needy. It sounds like you know he is a good guy but not the guy for you. Maybe you two should take a break and be friends for a bit since you don't want to see him with someone else. Maybe in the friendship you will realize whether or not you should be together.

    I am married and my husband looks good but sometimes I am annoyed with him and do not want him to touch me but I bet if he touched someone else it would make me flip out. So spend time with yourself (not trying to date someone else) and see if you can get those old feeling back for him or if you like being with you first.

    Words from a wise women once told me that if it doesn't feel right in your gut then it ain't right!
  • debzeeU2
    debzeeU2 Posts: 99 Member
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    Put yourself in his shoes, would you want a guy to stay with you when he wasn't attracted to you and just staying with you out of pity?!?! Stop playing the guy, let him find someone that will love and appreciate him.
  • pyrowill
    pyrowill Posts: 1,163 Member
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    Leave him, you are punishing yourself and him.

    If you leave him you can be with someone you actually are attracted to, and he can be with someone who is attracted to him and isn't annoyed by his little things like you said you are.

    Being emotionally blackmailed, either intentionally or not are the worst reasons ever to stay with someone. Leave him and let both of you be truly happy, rather than one unhappy and the other clueless.
  • shbretired
    shbretired Posts: 320 Member
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    <i>I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.
    </i>

    You sound too young to commit to someone.
    But what's up with the jealousy? Is it taking care of you, that you'd miss?

    And I do agree "he's trying to keep you the wrong way".

    Now can I have him? Sounds perfect! :tongue:
  • CoffeeNBooze
    CoffeeNBooze Posts: 966 Member
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    I think you know the answer to this. You need to let him go, can you imagine how much he would hurt if he knew how you really felt and that you were just "putting up with him"? Look, don't beat yourself up about it too much but you have to do the right thing and let him go. The pain for him will eventually subside, and it's something EVERYBODY goes through so why do you think he should be exempt from that? I am speaking from experience, I used to cringe when my ex would even touch me because it just plain wasn't right. If you do not let him go, you are doing both him AND yourself a HUGE disservice by staying in the relationship and wasting time. If he hates you, let him hate you for awhile. You know what you need to do, so please please please just do it.

    and i'd also like to add, after getting out of my old relationship and into a better one (as well as being single for awhile) I can't even believe how alive I feel and how real attraction and passion feels for someone else...I want the same for you. Relationships are not a chore.
  • daffodilsoup
    daffodilsoup Posts: 1,972 Member
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    Don't tell him anything until you're moved out and safe. Men can get very violent when they are losing something they cherish. Don't tell him alone that is for sure.

    You can always flip the script. Start doing stuff you know he hates. Like burp or chew with your mouth open...lol. seriously, make him leave you. That's what I would do. Call him when you know he's sleep to say how much you love him. Start acting psychotic or schizophrenic....lol...start talking to yourself in third person..ROFL.....

    If all this fails stop giving him any booty he will roll out. Trust.
    What kind of life have you led that would make this seem like good advice?


    Really? Do you even have to ask? I left a man that "couldn't live without me"....

    The truth was he didn't want me LIVING....without him.

    DUH!!!!!!

    I still fail to see how playing childish games would be good advice, regardless of the type of life you lead.
  • Be_Butterflies
    Be_Butterflies Posts: 10
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    Your boyfriend sounds AMAZING...and someone is going to be very lucky and very fortunate to have him.

    You should stop being selfish...and allow him the opportunity to be truly loved by someone else. Trust me...there are LOTS of women everywhere, who would love to have that kind of unconditional love and respect from a man.

    Looks fade...the spark dims...but love and friendship matter, when all the physical stuff goes away.


    AMEN!!!!!
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    I've been contemplating about this for a while, and I feel I need a more individual response to my problem.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. He loves me more than anything in the world, does literally everything for me, always there for me, if I have a problem he will drop everything he's doing and come see me, always helping me out and giving me money if I need it, and is always patient enough to put up with my paranoia and insecurities - he is honestly the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, and makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world.

    I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.

    I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

    I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.

    Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?

    YOU CAN LEAVE HIM!!!!! DO IT!

    I have been through this TWICE! You will feel like a MILLION FREAKING BUCKS!

    And he will cry like a baby for a while, then get the hell over it and find someone who wants to HUMP HIM ALL THE TIME!!


    EMPHASIS!!!!!!!
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    Oh, and do it honestly. Just tell him you want him to find someone who'll love him like he deserves. Tell him he's wonderful as a friend, but not as a future husband. Then move him out ASAP and don't talk. Seriously, cold turkey. Please PM me if you would like! I went through this EXACT thing with a 3.5 year relationship in undergrad and I just broke off a 7-month long relationship like this a couple weeks ago. They were GREAT fellas but I wasn't attracted to them.
  • RHeishman
    RHeishman Posts: 32
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    Well, nothing like good old fashion honesty. And I'm about to give you some honesty, from my perspective.

    First, reading your post. I get the impression you are both very young. With that in mind, I will say this. If you are both young you have a lot of life ahead of you. Ships pass through the night all of the time, and they just keep on sailing.
    Second, if you feel this way about him you don't love him. You think you do because you love getting the attention you are getting. He treats you good and you like that. As you should. BUT....if you don't have the physical attraction for him and you don't even like kissing him, you don't really love him.
    Third, he deserves someone in his life that is going to give back to him what he is willing to give. He is giving, but you are not giving back.

    So, that is some honesty..from my perspective. You are just both heading down a bad road and both of you are going to get hurt. And I doubt you want to hurt him. But...you are.

    It's better that you sit down with him and be straight forward and honest. Yes it is going to hurt him, but maybe you both can learn to be very close friends in the end. And wouldn't you rather have that, than to have nothing at all if you hurt him worse down the road?

    Seriously, think about what you are saying and what you are doing. Give this a little thought and ask yourself, "Do I really love him?". Or "Do I love how he treats me?"

    Are you willing to give back to him what he is giving you?
    And if you let this go on and you hurt him even worse, wouldn't you feel bad that you were not more direct and honest earlier and you could have saved at least a very close friendship?
  • Jazzyjules71
    Jazzyjules71 Posts: 150 Member
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    bump
  • HealthyHappy120
    HealthyHappy120 Posts: 262
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    don't feel like you HAVE to bewith him. attraction is one of the main reasons for being in a relationship. everything you described is exactly what every girl wants in a guy but it also needs that spark that makes you get butterflies or else it just sounds like a friendship.. think deep within yourself.

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