I'm not attracted to my boyfriend but I can't leave him :-(

I am interested to hear what happened. I have been feeling great since I left my ex. I know it sounds awful. But I had a fling afterward and it was sexy, fun, and terminal (we knew he was leaving for Germany in 2 weeks). I felt feminine again not having to mother someone (my ex had some serious mommy issues). I do not regret my choice at ALL.

gertrude, I agrree with you. This person wants her cake and eat it too. The guy is one in a million and yet she seems unhappy

wonder if her next man will fall into the same thing..........

It may be hard, but your doing a disservice to you and to him. If you end up with him and have kids then you will hurt them also. Yea breaking up sucks and it's true hearts don't break even. I was dumped after being lyed and cheated on. It was the worst time of my life and It took me 2 years to move on. I am married to a wonderful man with two great children (which I wouldn't have if I stayed). The ex is with the girl he cheated on with and have 4 kids and live in the basement of his moms house. So life may need to get worse before it get's better but in the long run you'll both get what you deserve. Also, what if you meet someone else, fall in love. Don't you think if you cheat on him he'll then have a reason to not trust another. The other good thing is breaking up usually leads to dropping weight fast.
Good luck, I know it won't be easy.

Be honest to him and yourself and go your seprate ways, life is too short time is too precious, you got move on and be happy, no pont in being miserable you'll regrett it later, sure feeling may be hurt hearts might be broken , but time heals all that .

It has probably been said as i didn't read all 9 pages of comments.

If you are unhappy leave, why stay and be miserable just because he said he would be a cold hearted person that doesn't trust women again??? That's on him, not you, it is however a great way to guilt you into staying with him.


I have an ex who did this, I stayed (stupidly) for 6 months until my best friend and I went for coffee and I was complaining and he interrupted me in the middle of a sentence and said "WTF, seriously this is not you, you have NEVER done this. Stop it." I looked at him and he said "you are not a complainer and if you are unhappy/bored/annoyed you always leave why are you staying?" So I listed the reasons why, and he literally slapped me upside the back of the head. I broke up with my ex 2 days later and never looked back and guess what, he is in a new relationship, with a new girl, and they have their whole future planned out... so telling you that he will never love again and that he is not going to trust another woman again is BS.

Imagine yourself in 20 years... still with this man that you are not attracted to resenting him because YOU didn't leave, would you be happy? More than likely not.

I haven't read any other responses so pardon if this a repeat in any way or if you've already reached your conclusion.

I have been where you are, sort of. I was with a guy for 4 years that I ended up in the situation you are in. He was a wonderful guy and at one time I was very in love with and very attracted to him. But in time I fell out of love and out of attraction. He was a sweet, loving, giving man who would do anything for me and it made no sense on paper that I wouldn't be happy with him. I talked about it with a few friends, and they all said I was crazy. One even got pissed at me that I'd even consider letting him go when he's so good to me. It made me feel even worse. Then I talked to my mom. she loved this guy like one of the family - but she gave me great advice: this is your life - You need to do what is right for you.

I broke up with him and life went on. I hoped the best for him because he deserved it.

That was about 20 years ago now.

I ran into a mutual friend recently. Of course eventually the topic of my old boyfriend came up and I learned he'd become a hermit. Never had another girlfriend, never did much. Other than a few friends, he completely withdrew from life. Part of me feels immense guilt for that, but to stay with him would have been wrong, and ultimately and eventually more painful for us both.

You cannot take on responsibility for what ifs in the case of doing what is right for you. Only the what ifs of when you don't.

Best wishes. xoxo

Not read through all the answers to this post so I may be repeating what some people have already said.

I think the best thing to do would be to talk to him and see what you can do to resolve this - if you want to?

What do you find physically unappealing about him and how does this compare with other guys that you do find attractive?

Is this something that could be worked on? Would he even want to do that because that could mean changing the person he is.

I think if you both want to, this is something that can be resolved but you need to want to. There is no point doing it just because you feel an obligation or you'd feel bad breaking up with him.

I'm sure he would feel bad for a while if you broke up with him but given time, you'd both find other partners. I've always found that to be the case, especially with one guy who "couldn't live without me". He was in bits for a while but he moved on and found a partner that was better for him than I could have ever been. Nothing wrong with either of us, we just weren't right for each other.

I sincerely believe that both you and your boyfriend deserve better than making do and your boyfriend deserves better than obligation affection. He may sense the change in you and wonder what he has done to deserve it.

Life is short and is, I believe, too short for making do. If this can't be fixed then move on and you can both find somebody who makes you happy in every respect.

Good luck and I hope it works out well for you xx

Seems like maybe you see him more as a friend then a boyfriend, don't string him along, it's not fair to either one of you. I'm sure he'll be hurt, but he will also get over it and sometimes you have to be a little selfish and make yourself happy. If he thinks as much of you as you say he does, he would want you to be happy too. Don't stay with him out of obligation or guilt, I did that with my ex husband and it made it so much worse in the end. Some day he'll thank you for being honest with him and giving him the opportunity to find someone who loves him for who he is and finds him just as attractive as he finds them. Good luck girly, only you know deep down what the right thing to do is. Take some time to yourself and really think it thru.

If you find yourself attracted to other men, this could lead down a bad path. You could end up hurting him more by staying with him, because you could end up cheating on him. I say, you should end it before it gets any worse.

Here's a response from a 55 yo guy who has been married to the most incredible and beautiful woman on earth for 33 years in June. For what it's worth.

My heart would totally break, my life become a disaster if I were to lose my wife. This is in spite of the fact that I've given her legitimate reasons to dump me in the past. I do everything I can to make it up to her every day. I know that I love her more than anyone else could because nobody else could know her as well as I do. My heart still beats faster when she enters the room.

That said, there would be one thing worse than her leaving me. That would be her staying with me and not finding it wonderful. I know she was unhappy when I wasn't my better self, but she is committed to me and stuck it out because she knew who I really am and is in love and attracted to that person. If she were to stay with me because of insecurity or just "care for my feelings", that would be the worse thing in the world. Imagine what it would be like if I woke up one day and realized I had been a dupe to her lie for years.

Romance is a wonderful thing, but it is not the foundation of a good relationship., As a matter of fact, romance is generally the foundation of a false relationship. Romance is an affair. Romance is being "twitterpated" a la Thumper. Romance is the source of irrational behavior. Unless it is harnessed in a relationship of love and trust (which I call marriage).

So is the questions I would ask:
Have you said or done things to signify a faithful commitment to the relationship? I'm not talking about jewelry or a joint checking account or cosigning a mortgage. Those are just contracts and contracts are dissolved when both parties don't get what they want. Again, my version of a commitment is marriage where you have formally sworn to each other in front of witnesses by what ever is sacred to you that you will not give up on each other no matter what.

Not being married in long term relationship is a statement of this: "We love each other and we get along and everything is perfect, but we're not willing to commit to working the rest of life out together. Basically, we're in a verbal contract with implications of fidelity, trust and support. But we're still just renting,"

If you find his presence annoying, you are probably already violating the verbal agreement. If haven't physically cheated on him, you probably have already started evaluating others in your mind to replace him. By cheating I don't mean "sleeping with"; cheating to me is having lunch with someone you'd rather be with than him, accepting a cup of coffee with a flirt in thanks or just sharing intimate information that should be reserved for a spouse of a best girl friend.

Life is tough. Marriage makes it easier and a lot harder. Ask yourself another question: Are you only in this relationship still because it's easier than ending it? Even a bad relationship provides you with company for dinner, someone to share the expenses and a fairly certain opportunity for sex when you want it. You imply that you're sticking it out for him. I would argue that if you're just sticking it out, you're hurting him more each day than you would with a complete and formal severance. Every day he spends investing himself in a lost cause is, perhaps, selfish on your part. It is easier than the trauma that is sure to come with the end of a relationship. In a breakup, both parties are wounded, but incisions with a sharp scalpel heal faster, better and with less scarring than chopping at it with a dull knife.

IM IN THE SAME SITUATION :O .... when I read this I cried... It feels so good knowin im not crazy and alone
I have this amazing boyfriend.. hes so perfect. but i feel no physical attraction to him:( and i cant leave him.. he wants to get married and we decided on our whole lives.. it would hurt him so bad he said he would die without me.. i sometimes want to be single again or be with someone i feel attracted to. im so confused i want him because hes the nicest sweeetest guy ive ever been with but.. i dont want to just be in this relationship for years.. only for it to fall apart.. please help me

can i have his number?

I've been there.

My ex was my best friend and I never really saw him in 'that' way, then one night when he was drunk he told me he loved me, so I thought we should give it a go.

In the beginning it was great, I was really attracted to him, and couldn't believe why I hadn't seen anything there before! He was absolutely amazing. He did everything for me, he even used to call me 'Princess'. I thought I had found 'the one', and it had been hidden in my best friend all this time - he even proposed to me on his birthday.

As time went on, I soon realised, I was 'settling'. He soon became unattractive to me, extremely irritating, and whenever I went to visit him (he was away at University) it was more of a chore rather than something I looked forward to, and I always couldn't wait to leave. On the drive home I would ALWAYS think about how I could break up with him, without breaking his heart.

It's a horrible situation, but you have to be cruel to be kind. It took him nearly a year to move on, but he's seeing someone now, as am I, someone who I am SO attracted to it is unreal.

You should end it now, trust me, it is not a 'phase' it will only get worse. Whatever you decide to do, be happy :flowerforyou:

Agree with this!

2 posts

2 friends

No profile pic?

You're not getting a response from me buddy. Cheers though.

:drinker:

I think it depends on how long you have been dating. If you have been together for a few years and are recently just finding him annoying and unattractive then I would say just stick it out and it will get better. If this is a fairly new bf for you and you are young (under 21 or so) I would say break up (you both will get over it). I have been with my bf for 4 years and we have had our ups and downs. The passion goes away after a while but you can still have a loving, deep, satisfying relationship after the novelty wears off.