The Sober Squad- Alcohol Free Living

aroze0928

Thanks @lorrainquiche59. It feels most of the time the guilt will never go away..not just with drinking but other areas of my life. I appreciate these words. I really have to work on it. That and a whole bunch of other stuff lol.
We usually drink to forget and now that we dont do that the feelings are all out there loud and clear and theres no booze to quiet it down.

lorrainequiche59

aroze0928 wrote: »

Thanks @lorrainquiche59. It feels most of the time the guilt will never go away..not just with drinking but other areas of my life. I appreciate these words. I really have to work on it. That and a whole bunch of other stuff lol.
We usually drink to forget and now that we dont do that the feelings are all out there loud and clear and theres no booze to quiet it down.

You're singing my tune sista!! LOL I should lend you the sign my friend made me years ago when I was FILLED to the ying-yang with guilt...3 simple words NO MORE GUILT !! Go on youtube and put in guilt & it will come up with all kinds of help for working through it! At least giving you some ideas what may be fueling yours. Hope the best for you.

AND YES YES YES, once we stop boozing our feelings away they come back to confront us full force and although it isn't an easy process, eventually we will be free to live a much fuller life. We're on our way!

lorrainequiche59

Another quiet weekend here. It is a lovely evening in my part of the world and I'm sitting on my patio writing this. I am dog sitting for a couple of weeks for a couple who are in Europe...they travel extensively and I am blessed to be able to care for their canine pal.

I hope that everyone is having a happy, healthy AF weekend

tifano

Hi friends. I've only posted a handful of times but read frequently.

On this day on Facebook can be a reminder of why drinking isn't an option for me.

On this day 7 years ago I was waking up with probably the worst hangover in my life. Hung over physically and emotionally.

At the time I was going through one of the most difficult seasons in my life. My son was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 3. 7 years ago he was 6 years old. Due to his limitations with Autism he had communication delays and acted out A LOT in extreme violence and rage. As you can imagine it was extremely difficult to live with. I had horrible mother's guilt and blamed myself for his delays, due to his violence and it just not being safe for others to be around we lost all friends, no one invited him to birthday parties, etc.

My family and husband knowing how emotionally bad I was doing threw me a surprise 39.5 year birthday party. My birthday is in January and my parents are always in Aruba the month of January and my 40th birthday would be no exception. Plus no one expects a surprise 1/2 birthday party. It was an amazing party. My family had food catered in, all the alcoholic and N/A drinks a person could want, my closest friends and family friends were invited. Beautiful invites sent in the mail (side note: why is this tradition now gone and so dependent on FB Events or other event apps?), etc. It was amazing. I was so happy and overwhelmed with just joy and gratitude.

2012 was a tough year for me. My alcoholism was no longer kept a secret. I just couldn't keep it a secret any longer. I used to be able to cover my consumption and I no longer could. My daughter would cry begging me to not get tipsy, my parents, sister & closet friends saw a side of me that I wanted to hide and began questioning me. My sweet husband was withdrawing from me and every area of my life was beginning to fall apart.

On the night of my 39 1/2 party I was wasted and in a black out in less than an hour. Here I was in front of 40 people and just a hot mess express. I have vague memories from that night but I knew after that day I couldn't continue the path I was on any more. The shame, the guilt and remorse. So on this day I was so full of shame, guilt and remorse and knowing that something needed to change but the change could wait until Monday I then got wasted again at home with my husband and kids at home. So hungover that I had to drink to numb it out. So fully of guilt and shame on Sunday I had to drink again.

For several years while drinking, big beefy red and I would google "how do you know when you have a drinking problem" and when it would get really bad I'd reach out to my two friends who used to drink like me that no longer drink and seem happy. They would encourage me to get help and meet them at meetings and I just wouldn't.

After my 39 1/2 party I was willing to try to change. Never to get sober but learn how to drink like a lady and develop better coping skills. I reached out to one of my friends in AA and she told me to meet her at a meeting on Monday. I told her I couldn't because I was too hung over and I never drank on Monday's but I'd meet her on Tuesday. I justified not being an alcoholic because I didn't drink on Monday and Tuesday, had my husband/kids, job/career, house, legal driver, etc. I did meet my friend at that meeting on Tuesday and was blown away. I thought for sure they would all be so miserable and depressed and it wasn't that at all. At least not in the meeting I went to.

I wish I could tell you I stayed sober after that first meeting but I didn't. I had a really hard time identifying as an alcoholic because A. I didn't want to quit and couldn't stomach the idea of NEVER having another drink. Especially never having another glass of wine. B. From the outside looking in I had the life people wanted. C. I still had my good job but only by the skin of my teeth. D. My parents still loved me, my sister, her husband and kids (my family is thick as thieves) E. never any legal troubles due to drinking, etc.

So on Monday-Thursday I'd go to meetings but then by the weekend I'd say see I didn't drink all week....I can manage it. Then of course Monday morning would come and I'm hung over one more time, physically and emotionally. This cycle went on for several weeks. My last weekend of drinking was miserable. I tried the controlled drinking experiment suggested to me that I now know was directly quoted from the chapter from the Big Book "More About Alcoholism" Let's just say the controlled drinking experiment failed miserably. I finally surrendered, admitted I was an alcoholic and if I didn't change all the things that I hadn't lost yet due to my drinking were coming. It was if my higher power parted the seas so I could get a tiny glimpse of the future and see what was coming for me if I continued.

Still today I will never say I'll never take another drink. I can't think about FOREVER.... It's too overwhelming. I can say however that today I don't plan on taking a drink. Today I will ask my higher power to give me one more day of sobriety and tonight when I lay my head on the pillow I'll thank my higher power for another day of sobriety.

God wiling in a month from now I will celebrate 7 years of sobriety. I've seen where this disease/too much drinking will take people and it's crushing. I once thought big beefy red was my BFF and I realized I was it's slave and it was my master. My first year sober I spent bawling, mourning and avoiding foods because of how I liked to pair my foods with wine and other drinks.

I've had an amazing ride, it's not been easy. I've lived through A LOT of life these last 7 years. My son's autism has been challenging and thankfully now with age he's so much better but it's not been easy. At 2.5 years of sobriety I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. I've had other issues as well with other family members that has been challenging as well.

Today my recovery is no different than treating cancer. Meetings, sponsorship, service work and trying to grow spiritually is my chemo/surgery/radiation. If I take the medicine and do what's needed to be healthy I'll survive and live a great life.

I'm not on here to sell anyone AA. This is just been my experience on my recovery journey. Find what works best for you and do it....You're worth it!

Sorry for being so long. I'm almost never on my computer and I wanted to check in on Ruby to see how she's doing. I've been following her for a while and she's a true light in this thread. All of you are but there's something about her that I just connect with and have for a while. I hope that doesn't offend anyone..

Thank you for reading my novel and I hope you all have a fantastic sober Sunday!!!

RubyRed427

@tifano Thank you so much for this amazing, heart wrenching and heart inspiring post. I read it like a life line of hope. I stumble and try again. I don't feel hopeless, because I will never ever give up. I absolutely appreciate checking up on me and us. I will read this again and just try to let it seep into my brain. There is a lot of justification that goes on in the alcoholic's mind. I do see through my own B.S. most of the time!

Thanks again for stopping by!! Sending you a warm hug. xo

RubyRed427

lorrainequiche59 wrote: »

Another quiet weekend here. It is a lovely evening in my part of the world and I'm sitting on my patio writing this. I am dog sitting for a couple of weeks for a couple who are in Europe...they travel extensively and I am blessed to be able to care for their canine pal.

I hope that everyone is having a happy, healthy AF weekend

I know you enjoy dog sitting. Hopefully no cameras!!
*If I remember correctly the story.

RubyRed427

aroze0928 wrote: »

Thanks @lorrainquiche59. It feels most of the time the guilt will never go away..not just with drinking but other areas of my life. I appreciate these words. I really have to work on it. That and a whole bunch of other stuff lol.
We usually drink to forget and now that we dont do that the feelings are all out there loud and clear and theres no booze to quiet it down.

Guilt is a wicked thing. I have it too. And probably every single person on this thread has had it. Sometimes when I am feeling guilty, I find a helpful youtube about guilt and how it takes away the present moment where we are doing just fine and drags us back to relive those horrible times. I know I say this often but we did the best we could at that time. Just like we'd tell our dear friend, I forgive you. I love you. The only thing you get from looking into the past is a stiff neck!

aroze0928

You made me laugh Ruby. You're right! I get a stiff neck often. I am going to look into those videos.
Its been a busy weekend and boy they go by quick.
@tifano congratulations on your sobriety. Thats a haul. I hope you are well and good luck on all the challenges you face. You're a brave woman.

lorrainequiche59

@tifano Thank you for sharing more of your story. What a struggle, but you have developed the courage to continue to struggle and that is inspiring for us all here.

@RubyRed427 LOL Yes, no cameras at my place. I did confront the female of the other dog sitting gig with the camera situation. I left it for a bit wondering if she would mention it to me, but she didn't so I decided I could practice my assertiveness skills by addressing the issue and keeping it simple and direct...voila!! Practice makes almost perfect!

Hoping everyone a courageous, successful AF day!!

dlbohl1991

Hi everybody friend of bill w in Northern Iowa checking in!

lorrainequiche59

dlbohl1991 wrote: »

Hi everybody friend of bill w in Northern Iowa checking in!

Hi Friend of Bill W in Northern Iowa...WELCOME

lorrainequiche59

Hello to all my Sober Squad friends...I'm hoping everyone is on vacation and having a wonderful time and that is why the thread is SO quiet once again. I realize that everyone who reads doesn't necessarily comment, but what would be lovely is if those who read could once in awhile just say, "Hi" to let us know you're there.

Anyhoo, all is well in my part of the "hood" and what I have been wondering lately is about the 3 month challenge started by @NormInv . If you are somewhere out there lurking @NormInv , please remind me when that started...I was thinking May? which would mean it is completed or almost completed. I know I could go back a million & one pages, but I won't...so if anyone can remember please remind moi.

I truly hope that everyone is well.

Yellowstone1983

@lorrainequiche59 I'm still here.. struggled a bit, but still working on it. I believe norm's challenge started March 1.. definitely in March though.. Hope everyone is well!

OtisBuck

Hello to all. I am one of those that read the posts daily, but seldom comments. Have been AF for about 9 months. All is good in my world.

SunnyDays930

Thanks, Quiche for reminding us that have been quiet, that our voices matter here and we need to check in every once in a while out loud. I wonder if people that are still drinking feel like they can't comment. PLEASE DO. No one is here to judge anyone else. That is not and never has been what this thread is about. We are here to support each other regardless of where you are in your relationship with alcohol.

SunnyDays930

Welcome, @mobuckl !

trishfit2014

Checking in. I have failed on my sobriety journey. I think the thing is I can do my life, I don't black out, I don't have real issues but I know it is holding me back. to deal with work stress and loneliness I drink. I wish I would stop.Maybe I will try the alcoholic experiment again. It worked well before for 2 months but obviously did not work long term for me.

RubyRed427

I'm not staying the course. I am drinking here and there. I just don't know if I want sobriety bad enough to just quit totally. I want it both ways. A Sober life and an occasional drink - don't we all? I need to give myself a break though and not be too hard on myself. Right now, I am going through a mild depression. For the last few months, I have been working hard setting up my apartment, buying things, that the activity was masking the loneliness and fear that is starting to creep into my mind. Next month, the divorce will be finalized. Next week, My family is going on their annual vacation without me of course, and I know next week I will be crying lots of tears; I do not regret my decision to divorce but it is getting harder to be happy as the days pass and not easier.

I just turned 50 and although I am grateful to be healthy and alive, I think this was a hard birthday for me. I have had so many life changes these last few months, my brain is starting to suffer. So, that's where I am. Mostly not drinking but sometime having a few glasses of wine to numb my brain. I know it's not a good way to live but for now, I am just going to do the best that I can, one day at a time. I am writing all this not for sympathy but just to check in and let you know how I'm doing. This thread can only help and work if we participate and keep it going. Because it truly is a lifeline for many of us, and I would hate to see it fade away due to inactivity.

dlbohl1991

I just got off of probation after 5 years so now that the heat is off alcohol has been on the fore front more often but I’m still keeping my daily reprieve going

lorrainequiche59

Welcome @mobuckl. Glad to know you're out there

@RubyRed427 My heart goes out to you cause I know your path is not easy and as you shared after all the activity and once life begins to settle down, the feelings are surfacing. Although you don't regret divorcing it IS a loss and there is a grieving process just like any other loss. I could remind you of all the reasons alcohol is not the answer, but you know all the reasons it isn't the answer. I understand the craving to numb the loneliness and pain too. We all have our own path and process. My hope for you is that you will find peace within your process. I'm still trying to work out my food issue so I don't feel like I can offer any wisdom for anyone else's "whatever" issue. Just please know I care and hope you find your way.