The Sober Squad- Alcohol Free Living
Replies
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@Up_n_Running Thanks for responding and your insight. When husband drinks he becomes even more self-centered. He is full of himself whether he's drunk or not, but with alcohol he's even more arrogant. It's hard to get a word in edgewise whether he's drinking or not, unfortunately. But he definitely controls the conversation more after a couple of drinks. I think about weddings or get togethers with family and friends, which are rare, but he has to get drunk and be the center of attention. I hope he outgrows that one day...5
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@RubyRed427 Thank you for sharing... Your aunt seems sweet, too sweet... I have a toddler with hubby and two older girls. Girls are smart, too smart, they see what he's like. They love him but they see that he's got issues. I am trying to be careful in how I react to husband today. Yesterday he micromanaged my every move and criticized everything I did yesterday, yelled and belittled me. I held all of that in all day until the evening and I just yelled at him to not talk to me, leave me alone, stop making my life hell. I'm working on my response to him. It must be exactly how he wants me to respond but I'm trying to be more thoughtful, sadly that's how it is at this moment in time.
Two summers ago after mother-in-law picked us up from the airport, we were on our way back to her house and she asked me if husband, her son, ever just called to argue with me. I said "all the time, all the time..." She said, "he calls me up sometimes and I swear it's just to argue with me." Yes, I can relate!!! He's argumentative and arrogant without alcohol, sadly. A few drinks in him and he knows everything and is right about everything and everyone must shut up and listen.
This weekend has been one of the most stressful. My oldest daughter had prom yesterday and my middle child had dance shows all day yesterday so I was busy, busy, busy yesterday and sometimes I wonder if husband isn't a humongous, attention seeking child. Sadly. I don't know... But what I do know is that the drinking is a huge issue for me even if he doesn't think he's got a problem, which he does not think.
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@LoveyChar Sounds like he is a narcissist. On psychology today.com I read article about people who get jealous of others even their children --if they get more attention. Sounds bizarre but it can be true.
My cousin *like a brother* is this aunt's son. He told me that he is becoming his father. He said it sadly, but doesn't want to change.
I feel so badly for your situation, but you seem very strong!! And I don't blame you for telling him exactly what you feel, and how he makes you feel.
It would be one thing if he admitted he was wrong but he seems to think he's right ...
Anyway I am rambling. If we can help, you can always vent on here for support!
I thought it was interesting his mom said those things to you- she knows how he is.
I hope you have some good friends to talk to. You are not alone.
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ps. My aunt got married at age 14 and was in her 70s when her violent alcoholic hubby died. My mom begged and pleaded for her to leave him. My parents offered to give her money, buy her a house, but she said "you dont walk in my shoes." So, she stayed.5
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RubyRed427 wrote: »@LoveyChar Sounds like he is a narcissist. On psychology today.com I read article about people who get jealous of others even their children --if they get more attention. Sounds bizarre but it can be true.
My cousin *like a brother* is this aunt's son. He told me that he is becoming his father. He said it sadly, but doesn't want to change. I feel so badly for your situation, but you seem very strong!! And I don't blame you for telling him exactly what you feel, and how he makes you feel.
It would be one thing if he admitted he was wrong but he seems to think he's right ...
Anyway I am rambling. If we can help, you can always vent on here for support!
I thought it was interesting his mom said those things to you- she knows how he is.
I hope you have some good friends to talk to. You are not alone.
Thank you...2 -
@Up_n_Running You go girl!!!
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It's great to hear new voices. This is the place to come for support for sure.
I just spent several hours re-reading my journals starting from last summer when I tried, and failed, to get sober, then joined Kate Bee's course July 6. From then to January 6, I did not drink. My journal entries were full of joy, accounts of really fun things I was doing despite COVID, solid reflections, but most of all a real enjoyment of life and appreciation of the weight loss that went with those 6 months almost effortlessly.
The entries since Jan. 6 have been full of frustration with myself and my lack of success at really getting back to total sobriety. I think the reading was what I needed because I want that happy, joyful self back.
The ONLY silver lining to my relapse is that I know in my heart of hearts, not just in my brain, that for me moderation is a dangerous fairy tale. If I ever doubted Kate's warning that a return to drinking meant a return to the misery we had worked so hard to escape, not to some magical land of moderation, that doubt is gone. It just won't ever happen for me.
I'm super motivated right now because next weekend I'm traveling to my granddaughter's first communion. Last time I went up there to care for the granddaughters while my daughter had surgery was in September. I was 65 days sober and had such an amazing time with them and was so happy not to be thinking about how I could drink.
I'm very sad at the moment. But I feel like I just had a look at one of those old "This is your brain on drugs" posters. My journal entries show me "This is your life when drinking. This is your life when sober. Which one do you want?" I know which one I want for sure, but it is so freaking hard. I don't ever want to flirt with this poison again.7 -
@Up_n_Running, Yes, you go girl! I am so happy that you were able to get right back to your sobriety! I've been struggling to get back there for 3 months now, but I'm determined to do it. I'll tap into some of your "Oh it's on!" energy.5
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@donimfp Thank you...
I'm going to start journaling again. I journaled alot before my son was born three years ago but ever since then I've been a little bit hesitant. When I was in labor, my blood pressure plummeted twice and I was revived and it was horrifying and with my son nearing death during contractions since the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck, the doctor had no choice but to do an urgency c-section. When I was being prepped and wheeled out, I was yelling out my final wishes to my husband. It was one of the scariest moments of my life, second only to the thought of losing one of my children... I had a stack of journals at home and I wrote every complaint, gripe, frustration, pain, sorrow, sadness, fit of rage and anger in them. But I was terrified my husband would find them and read them if I died. Overall he'd been a good husband but to read my journals did not depict anything but the negative. I didn't want him to read them, ever. When I came home from the hospital, I destroyed everything.
Coming here is nice. My husband does not come here and doesn't know I do. He'd be the first to say something if he did.
Yes, I feel safe here. Thank you...
I need to create a "With An Attitude of Gratitude" journal with a better focus...5 -
@LovelyChar, I get that. A few years ago, my mother, now 89, was going to throw away all her journals when she moved to a smaller house. She offered to let me read them if I wanted. I said yes. But she, too, really only journaled the painful things, and I could see why she didn't want to keep them. After a while, I stopped reading and destroyed them. It was too hard just to see the bad stuff with no relief.
I just find it therapeutic to write every day, and during my 158 days of sobriety, the entries touched on the struggles but much more on the wonderful results of sobriety. That's why I found it so inspiring to go back through them today and remember how truly grateful and happy I am when I'm not drinking.
@Up_n_Running, you are totally right. Alcohol, like depression, is a liar. And as Kate Bee says, sobriety actually delivers what alcohol promises: relaxation, fun, serenity, etc. Alcohol does not deliver those things, especially to someone who is addicted, as I am.7 -
@donimpf Over 5 months, congratulations! Sober throughout Christmas, New Year's you made it...
The fact that she made it to 89 and journaled the negative stuff says to me that it was therapeutic for her, an outlet.
It's past midnight and I'm going to jounal now. My ex-husband's stepfather was a terrible alcohol and drug abuser. He died of liver cancer several years ago but he told me something long ago, long before he even got sick and that was "write it and burn it." Interesting... I could always do that, too. Or, shred it and recycle!6 -
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Today marks two years free from alcohol. I am still amazed.
Some days are easier, some are more challenging. All of them add up.
I rarely post anything but am a regular lurker. Thank you all for being here, everyone from those typing "day 1" to those with years being booze-free. Thank you all -- you're awesome.13 -
@LoveyChar My sister uses the Artist's Way technique called "morning pages.". You write three pages just as quickly as you can. The point is to get it all out your mind and on paper and that is healing in itself. Then, she shreds them immediately!
My favorite teacher once said to us, "Whatever you write, expect someone will read it." I always remember that.
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@nuffer Bravo! Congratulations!!! I am so happy for you! I bet you have saved yourself so much misery, self loathing, stress, etc over those two years.
So proud of you!5 -
@RubyRed427 I have time in the morning, fortunately. It's the one time of day I actually make time for whatever whether it's silence or coming here. I'm going to fill that space with the Artist's Way technique. I'll try anything but I hold alot inside and a release of all the negative first thing in the morning sounds like a great start!4
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Love my daughter, she's 18-years-old, a senior in high, beautiful and she's smart but incredibly lazy so she's happy to scrape by in college preparatory classes. She's always in party mode and since Wednesday it's been crazy around here. This past weekend was prom. Since last year, right after all this chaos hit the world, she's been with my parents. Today she flew back to them. On the ride to the airport she told me she's thinking about going to college here now, which is fine or would be fine. But we need to set some serious rules...
Husband has been a little nicer, not much but it's something, since she's left. I miss her. I really do. She's obnoxious and wild but sweet and cynical, too, which makes me laugh. Glad I had time with her. No alcohol, I feel like a rock without alcohol, the kind you can lean on, depend on... She had a great prom and everything was perfect. Mission accomplished! Last year most kids didn't even get to have a prom so anything was better than nothing. But it really was nice.
Husband drank alcohol all weekend, tonight too, but he's not as moody today. Misery loves company.
Edited to say: right before, not after, all this chaos hit the world...6 -
@LoveyChar It's such a blessing that your daughter is in your life- and you sound like a wonderful loving mom! I agree - it is great that Prom could be held this year!
I'm not sure if you pray but once I read a book called the "praying wife" and it recommends praying for your husband a lot and not tell him. He may slowly change just from prayers. Who knows if that will work and I'm not a bible pusher but prayer can be positive and calming.
In our Cleveland.com website there is a question/answer column this lady writes. It was relevant to what we've been talking about on this thread.
https://www.cleveland.com/entertainment/2021/04/dear-annie-try-to-avoid-hitting-rock-bottom.html4 -
RubyRed427 wrote: »@LoveyChar It's such a blessing that your daughter is in your life- and you sound like a wonderful loving mom! I agree - it is great that Prom could be held this year!
I'm not sure if you pray but once I read a book called the "praying wife" and it recommends praying for your husband a lot and not tell him. He may slowly change just from prayers. Who knows if that will work and I'm not a bible pusher but prayer can be positive and calming.
In our Cleveland.com website there is a question/answer column this lady writes. It was relevant to what we've been talking about on this thread.
https://www.cleveland.com/entertainment/2021/04/dear-annie-try-to-avoid-hitting-rock-bottom.html
Thank you! I pulled it up and I will definitely pray for him. There is power in prayer and I do know that, although, I may have forgotten. So instead of constantly praying for strength for myself, I'll pray for him or both of us or all of us. Bottom line, I just need to pray more. Thank!5 -
Kate Bee posted this blog yesterday. I thought it was insightful and helpful.
https://thesoberschool.com/sobriety-makes-me-feel-deprived/5 -
Kate Bee posted this blog yesterday. I thought it was insightful and helpful.
https://thesoberschool.com/sobriety-makes-me-feel-deprived/
This is spot on. I need to change those simple words to make this a positive instead of deprived. Thanks for sharing!3 -
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I did write in morning pages yesterday. I failed to write 3 pages but it said to write anything, goal is just to fill three pages. I'm going to focus on mind, body, and soul and maybe a page for each.
I'm working on slowing down.
Thank you, ladies, for the advice and support. I'm working on me and I appreciate your help.7 -
Glad y'all appreciated that blog post. I really did. I am by no means overly confident, but this is the 4th day without alcohol, which is the longest I've managed since 10 days in February. This time feels different, though. Like last July, I'm feeling very content with not drinking and feeling happy at night when I wake up briefly and realize I feel good. I'm feeling the mental shift to "I'm a non-drinker" rather than "This is so hard." Kate's blog helped me to realize that forgoing alcohol is not deprivation but is like every other restriction I choose toI make to take care of myself. I don't feel "deprived" because I choose not to eat Cheetos and pizza on a regular basis. Doing so would "deprive" me of healthy blood and organs and body weight. So I'm trying to think of drinking the same way. Drinking, I deprive myself of health and contentment. Very early days yet, but I'm finally hopeful.9
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@donimfp you know we are all rooting for you. You've got this, Sister. 4
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@donimfp One day at a time- you got this!! Just think about today - I like when you said it feels different this time. 4
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I did write in morning pages yesterday. I failed to write 3 pages but it said to write anything, goal is just to fill three pages. I'm going to focus on mind, body, and soul and maybe a page for each.
I'm working on slowing down.
Thank you, ladies, for the advice and support. I'm working on me and I appreciate your help.
That's awesome! 4 -
@Up_n_Running, your success makes me smile! I, too, am finding a positive focus helpful--what am I gaining rather than what am I giving up.
A woman in the Sober School forum recommended a book by Elizabeth Rider--The Health Habit--which is all about caring for yourself. I bought it back in September but somehow never got around to reading it. I've been reading it the last few days and it has helped with sobriety. She does address alcohol but only briefly in a discussion of things you might well feel better leaving behind. I like how her approach fits in with the positive mindset we've discussed. For example "I don't put artificial sweetener in my coffee/drink alcohol" vs. I can't .
Claire Pooley's The Sober DIaries is also helpful. I can relate to her as a person who hated what drinking did to her despite the fact that she never hit a typical "rock bottom." She has a funny, self-deprecating style. I recommend her book if you like "Quit Lit."
Thanks, you all, for believing in me. I'm up in the middle of a loud thunderstorm, heading back to bed soon to wake up to Day 5. I'm thankful that when I see my granddaughter on Saturday it will "already" be Day 7.6 -
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