WOMEN AGES 50+ FOR JANUARY 2023
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Lisa,You know what? I was debating whether or not to ask my ex to talk with our son with me. Your comments helped me make up my mind - I need a witness and a back up with my son. One good thing about my ex is that if he agrees to talk with our son and me, he will tell the truth (although he will not mention the affair, which I am now in agreement with). Once he decides to man up, he mans up.
The thing is, I am very skeptical that my ex, who nearly always avoids anything that hints of conflict, will agree to make it a 3-way conversation.
For example, I asked him to meet with me 3 different times last year to help me deal with my brother’s residential assisted living cluster F, and he declined each time. He has his own relationship with my brother, takes him out for lunch once a month, so it would have been appropriate for him to be a part of helping my brother in a crisis.
Rick really just wanted me to not rock the boat about the bad living situation, and just hope that it would all work out, rather than take action to safely relocate Gary, and then seek restitution from the payee who stole Gary’s money. Had I not been assertive, my brother would not be getting back the $5400 the owner of the home stole from him. It was my relentless persistence that got that money back. Sitting around with my thumb up my butt hoping for the best and avoiding conflict would have accomplished nothing except producing helpless rage in Gary and in me.
So I don’t know if Rick will come through for me or not. If he is able to overcome his tendency to avoid conflict, he will have my back 100%. That I can count on.
I’m feeling a little mad at my ex and my son this morning. I’ll settle down after awhile, lol.
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Happy Sunday Ladies!
Carol in GA2 -
Gratitude list
Word of the year: APPRECIATE—- Today I appreciate my internet27 Hold the door for a stranger... or a friend - This is something I do often
1 Sit in silence for three minutes... it's harder than you think—DONE
2 List 5 things using each of your senses——DONE
3 Let go of at least 5 items in your house—tossed Christmas card I had collected
4 What was your favorite Christmas gift? (this year or ever)—This year was jewelry from my ‘adopted’ granddaughter.
5 Move for at least 30 minutes today—-Done plus #1 again!
6 Share a goal you achieved last year—-Bringing my car to the car wash one or more times a month!
7 Slow down and savor one meal today—-Breakfast-savored the texture of my OUI yogurt versus the granola I added.
8 Who was your favorite teacher—My French teacher in High School. Sister Jeannette
9 Create something today—-I will work on my crochet - making a granny square afghan out of left over yarn.
10 What is your favorite lyric from a song—Against the wind, We were running against the wind. We were young and strong, we were running against the wind.
11 Send a card/note to someone today—Done! Note to DH and card for Uncle’s birthday.
12 What are you looking forward to in 2023? Losing weight and better financial status.
13 Tell a random person they look "good" today—Done!
14 Tell us three amazing things that happened recently (you decide what "recently" means...lol) 1. I got to go to TN to attend my daughter’s wedding last year, My brother from AZ came to visit us in NM, I experienced my first 5.4 earthquake in NM this past December.
15 Call or text someone you haven't talked to in at least a week—Called my mom, and texted my 3 kids.
16 What made you smile today—-The beautiful scenery on my morning wetlands walk.
17 Take a photo of something you're grateful for—17 Take a photo of something you're grateful for—! Picture in spoiler
On my morning walk. You can see Captain Mountain in the background (where Billy the Kid had his hideout)
18 What material comforts are you most thankful for? You can make your list as long as you like...heat, air conditioning, water, sewer, a roof over my head, a car, internet, electronics, clothes, shoes, medicines, food, means of cooking, refrigerator, use of a freezer, use of a washer/dryer, books, writing utensils, everything I use every day!
19 Write a positive review for a company for goods or services you've received recently—Done!
20 Write down five things you like about yourself. I’m tenacious, my hair color, my love of learning, my ability to mediate, my technology abilities.
21 Pay it forward in some way—to be accomplished
22 What do you most desire in your life right now?—Being debt free.
23 Go an entire day without complaining—-This is going to tough!
24 What about you makes you special? My patience
25 Spend time with a loved one—My DH (do it every day!)
26 When was the last time you felt pure joy? When my babies were born.
28 What fear have you overcome? Divorcing my first husband
29 Engage in a random act of kindness of your own choice. I made a report on missing items for a camper rather than making the Ranger do it. He was off duty.
30 When was the last time you laughed so hard you almost peed?
31 Now try to "meditate" (sit in silence) for ten minutes...
RVRita
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margaretturk wrote: »(((Beth))) Hope all of you recover quickly!
Noticing some positive results of taking my prescription Vit D. Less moody even with all our gray days, less leg cramping, less bruising, my spots from dermatologist healing well with the addition of aloe and lavender, and spot I had on face from COVID vaccine finally clearly up. I would get bruise spots on my hands from bumping into something not so much now. I will be tested mid Feb. I had to go on this prescription because my levels were so low. 12 is considered low and I was at 4. Unfortunately this is not a routine test you have to ask for this to be done. After my experience I do not understand why this is not routine. It is easy to treat and how it leaves you vulnerable to more serious illness. I will always ask for it now if it is not included in the screening process.
Vit D isn't a routine blood test?
Depends on your doctor here in US. I have a functional doctor who does it every time he takes blood, and that is every 3 months. Mine is at 89 but they want it higher. I’ve been taking 2 supplements a day-one in the morning and one at night. I go for my next checkup and bloodwork next week.
RVRita4 -
I learn a lot from having weight loss buddies here and in the real world.
I just tried something new that will save me 5 grams of carbs and some calories every day. When you only get 40 carbs a day, 5 is a huge amount.
I switched to almond milk for my coffee. Everything helps.
I read all the posts and I think I caught up on everything. Hugs to every one who needs one and may we all meet our goals today.
Jeannie in NM5 -
grandmallie wrote: »Debbie- that is no life,for you I dare say...if he wants to be a martyr and be at his moms beck and call ..Then let him move in with her permanently..
Im sorry . I just know how hard it is as I went through the same thing for 20 yrs until I finally snapped..
Best thing I ever did..
I forgave him.. but I wont forget..and i remember stashing a little bit of money away which wasn't much for when I could get away..
Please think about your own life and happiness and health my friend...
Debbiek What Allie said, and maybe tell him (and go) to therapy because you are frustrated and stressed out. Don’t blame him, but tell him you are doing it for own sanity and see what he says. Then, if he blows up, ask him to go stay at his mom’s house for a while so you can get your sanity back. Make him think about your needs without actually blaming him. Helped my DH start thinking before speaking and behaving more like someone I can live with.
Please don’t take this the wrong way. What worked for me may not work for you. We all care about you and want the best life for you. I took off in the car for an hour drive once in the middle of him being and a-hole and within 30 minutes he was texting me to come back. That may be a wake up call for him to. I just grabbed the keys while he was ranting and walked out the door and drove off. Didn’t look at phone or answer it until I was ready to come back. His texts told me when to come back. It was a tough call for me, but was the best thing I did. I wasn’t going to go back until he changed his attitude. I wasn’t going anywhere in particular but just drove around. Just my experience. May or may not work for you or make him think. It depends entirely on him. (Ps. This was a suggestion from my therapist and it worked!)
RVRita
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Karen - I can never maintain being mad at a person for any length of time, which has kept me out of a lot of conflicts. But, because I am a horrible person at some level, I would tell your ex that, if he doesn't show up, you're going to tell YOUR truth about the marriage breaking up. If he really doesn't want the affair exposed to his son, he needs to be sitting at that table and telling his own story.
This morning, made Corey make his own filled rolls out of the bread dough I put together earlier. They're in to proof right now. He ended up making them because he made the mistake of saying they would have been better if I'd rolled them out thinner, added more filling, and so on. I genuinely don't mind criticism, but I do mind criticism from ignorance. So at my gentle suggestion, he made his own for the week.
It was actually quite fun - I used the other half of the dough to make some hot dog buns and a couple of hamburger buns as well, and had company while I was doing it. Life is good.
Time to go check on the bread...
Love y'all,
Lisa in AR
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98981
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Hi Gals,
So much to comment on, but I have just a tiny window of time.
I am a huge advocate of counseling for anytime you need to get yourself in a place to better function in the world, in a relationship, in your own head. Not dependent on a counselor but when you can’t find your way yourself. But what you are doing in counseling is working on you, not changing anyone else. If changes you make have someone else responding in a different way, a way you like better, that’s great, but that is not the goal. The goal is a better more content more fully you.
Abuse is physical, mental, social, financial, and isn’t ok. It isn’t ok to do that to anyone, nor should you have to put up with it.
There are mediators for hire, who don’t have a side, but who can mediate a conversation.
Thinking of you all with love as I continue to work a ton, and try to figure out what is best and what my mom needs and wants, as she ages. I think of her and you all daily. At some point in my life I learned to have truthful conversations with myself – that is hard to do – but as a result I can identify when I am troubled. I know my mothers tends to bury things she doesn’t like, and hope if not speaking or thinking of them they will get better or go away. And the most important thing in her life is what will the neighbors think, My guess is they don’t think about her that much.
I am reading a novel for my book club that is an interesting take on changes in life , it is called THE Authenticity Project. By Clare Pooley I would recommend it, I enjoy the writing style, light but thoughtful. And it has made me think.
Smiles Kim in N. California
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Karen - If there is a 3 way meeting, your ex cannot get out of telling your son about the affair. That's the bargain. Personally, there is no obligation to put yourself through any of this and if you do, you need a professional, of your own choosing. Someone highly skilled in reconciliation.
Love you double loads.
Heather UK xxxxxxxx
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Thank you ladies!!! I really appreciate all the comments. I am working on it.
Doing more things for myself that make me happy. For the most part, he is good with it(I don't care either way, doing it for me) Back at Zumba tomorrow and weather is getting better so more walks
Yes, things have to get better.
My life does not revolve around him anymore.
I told him Friday that what I want for my birthday is for us to go walk the wetlands, take a lunch with us. Just spend time together. He has never been out there, keeps saying he will walk with me but doesn't.
I will add to it when it is closer, no talk of work or his mom for that one hour. I just want an hour of his time. Doesn't seem like much to ask for but seems this is the only way I will get it.
I told my son the same thing, for my birthday, go for a walk with me.
Three people,sometimes four in the house but live separate lives.
I mentioned joining the gym and he wants me to and actually said he might go too(that was a shock- hasn't done any kind of exercise since his hips got bad before the first set of surgeries-he has had double hip replacements twice after first set failed).
As far as leaving- financially, I am setting up for it, have been for many years. I have an account that my mom knows about but he doesn't- a savings and a CD. The statements go to her house. This was started as a just in case. I add to it and another account that is in my name only(I have two in my name only-one is attached to our joint account, the other at another bank in my name only) plus always keep cash here. I am a saver, he is the spender but he also keeps cash here at the house.
Rita- Yes, I have done the same thing, just got in the car and left. This was many years ago. Now, I just tell him Sue wants to walk when I just need a break. Good for me physically and mentally.
His outbursts aren't that often and never physical- just a mayrter(sp?)/pessimistic rant is what it always is
My plan when I retire and even before is to spend a lot more time at my mom's- plan is to be there half the time. If we could get the room mate out of there, will be up there even more and sooner.
He knows this. I have talked to him about it for a long time. This was my plan even before my dad passed away. He has to be down here for his mom but I don't have to stay here.
Having my melanoma and surgeries for it have been a huge blessing to me because it was a valid reason not to have to go over there. I am healed most of the way but still don't go over, no desire to. I have been there once since before Thanksgiving.
Thanks again for listening to my rants- I apologize for it.
Time to get dressed and go to church. I am so glad I found a church that I feel comfortable going to on my own. This is a big thing for me. He used to go with me most of the time(sit on his phone for most of it but at least he went with me). He hasn't been in almost a year or maybe more. He didn't feel comfortable during covid- I understand, I stayed away for a long time too because they don't wear masks even when it was required, then his mom fell and he has been over there. He could take care of her earlier and go with me at 10:30 but he chooses not to. I am not going to stop me from going.
This is something I need. I watch online when I don't go but it is not the same.
I will check in later.
Thanks Ladies
Debbie
Napa Valley, Ca10 -
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Debbie, do not, I repeat, do not apologize for using this forum to vent! We are all here for you and hope that you know any relationship advice/comments come from caring and concern for your health and well being! I am so very glad that you have taken steps financially to help yourself if it comes to that.
And now I must head to the gym. I’m down 1 lb this week for a total of 3.2 lbs for the month! 🙂
Hugs for those needing them, congrats to those celebrating and welcome to the newbies!
Evelyn, Vancouver Island5 -
Did Michelle Dozois’ Cardio Strength Fat Blaster DVD then went for a walk. Just bowling tomorrow.
Vince left to go to this “train thing”. Something about they’re trying to set up a train club. Don’t know all the details. Don’t know why, but I am so cold. Think maybe I’ll lay down, take a nap, then go for a walk before Vince gets back
Karen – I agree with Lisa about telling your son your side with the affair unless your husband is there. He certainly appears to not want this fact known so he’ll be there to insure it
Michele NC1 -
Debbie- please don't think I was trying to tell you what to do.. I can just feel how hurt you feel.and I hate confrontation. And yelling.. so I im glad you have taken steps to protect your finances and if you think it comes to that.. than there ya go..
Miles slept albeit with mom until 7:30 so thats good..
Had sumo orange and french toast for his breakfast..
Dan stopping after work to take out my garbage for me.4 -
Betsy in Alaska3 -
Debbie You should not have to leave. Coercive control and unreasonable behaviour are legal grounds. Get some legal advice with your money. If only for information. Information is power.
Lots of love and strength to you. We are standing next to you.
Heather UK xxxxxxxx5 -
99991
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Karen - another quote.
Love Heather UK xxxxxxxx
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Heather ~ Had to look up palimpsest. New word for today!
Debbie ~ Sounds like you have a good plan!
Carol in GA1 -
Hugs, Hugs, Hugs
Beth5 -
grandmallie wrote: »Debbie- that is no life,for you I dare say...if he wants to be a martyr and be at his moms beck and call ..Then let him move in with her permanently..
Im sorry . I just know how hard it is as I went through the same thing for 20 yrs until I finally snapped..
Best thing I ever did..
I forgave him.. but I wont forget..and i remember stashing a little bit of money away which wasn't much for when I could get away..
Please think about your own life and happiness and health my friend...
Debbiek What Allie said, and maybe tell him (and go) to therapy because you are frustrated and stressed out. Don’t blame him, but tell him you are doing it for own sanity and see what he says. Then, if he blows up, ask him to go stay at his mom’s house for a while so you can get your sanity back. Make him think about your needs without actually blaming him. Helped my DH start thinking before speaking and behaving more like someone I can live with.
Please don’t take this the wrong way. What worked for me may not work for you. We all care about you and want the best life for you. I took off in the car for an hour drive once in the middle of him being and a-hole and within 30 minutes he was texting me to come back. That may be a wake up call for him to. I just grabbed the keys while he was ranting and walked out the door and drove off. Didn’t look at phone or answer it until I was ready to come back. His texts told me when to come back. It was a tough call for me, but was the best thing I did. I wasn’t going to go back until he changed his attitude. I wasn’t going anywhere in particular but just drove around. Just my experience. May or may not work for you or make him think. It depends entirely on him. (Ps. This was a suggestion from my therapist and it worked!)
RVRita
I did something similar when my mister was in his grumpy/jerk phase. He just started yelling and cursing and throwing a fit. I grabbed my keys and went for a drive. Came back when I was ready and he had calmed down. I think it was helpful for him to see that I can indeed "leave" him and I'm not here for him to verbally abuse just because he can't deal with whatever situation he's in.
I deserve respect.
I'm not giving advice. Just sharing an experience.
Tina in CA8 -
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My feast today. French toast made with whole wheat rustic bread slices, fat free creamer, 3 eggs. Made a marionberry compote with berries, sugar free syrup, and a slurry of water and corn starch. The squirt of canned whipped cream has sugar in it though.
Hugs to each of you from Whidbey
WA
Rebecca
8 -
I walked for an hour in the basement Yay! I'm still over calories but at least I exercised.
Annie in Delaware8 -
With so many of us contemplating upheavals, and others of us dealing with the death of family and loved ones, I think many will be glad to say goodbye to January and start our clean slate here in February. At times like these, when I see each of us reaching out with love and support, experience and advice, I know once more why I'm here. There has been no other group of people I have ever known like this, and none that I have valued as I do all of you. Thank you all for what you give each day, whether it's expressed in words or not. Knowing you're there is enough.
Love y'all,
Lisa in AR12 -
Asian seafood soup for dinner. Will make rice noodles for son(and his girlfriend if she comes by). Dh can have his steak and rice(that he didn't eat last night) along with the soup.
I will have at least two bowls of soup and then a few cho. chip cookies.
Haven't really eaten much today- trying to get a few things done after going to church, and it ran half hour late. Only at 150 cal for the day. Love when I stay busy and I am not hungry- was super hungry during church but got busy as soon as I got home. Have drank a LOT of hot tea, as it is COLD here, ok, cold/damp to me.
Soup has imitation crab, shrimp balls, kamaboko, Napa cabbage, brown mushrooms, daikon,Chinese bbq pork, plus broth made with pho cubes/ginger/garlic/beef broth.
Dh tried it, said it was a bit too salty so added more water. Says it is still a bit too much so he can add more water to his, plus he prefers more broth, I like it a bit thicker.
Nice to have something warm and filling plus pulled more stuff out of the freezer. Found a big thing of imitation crab that I didn't know was there, and just bought two small ones Thursday- will use this big one up first. Some in this and some this week in a seafood lasagna using that and some canned bay shrimp.
Also pulled out some frozen blackberries from the freezer(from dad's garden)- simmered them down completely and will have some on top of some vanilla yogurt. They are so yummy- like the blackberry cobbler filling- just no fattening top on it. May just eat a bowl just by itself and skip the yogurt- will have to wait and see. Wish I had some Cool-Whip to go with it.
My goal is to use up everything in that little freezer and do the same in the other little one(both are the parts of the fridge/freezers) and the big freezer. Toss what needs to be tossed and use what is still good.
i didn't get to my pile of clothes I want to sort/donate/put away- Maybe tomorrow. Dh was napping when I was going to go in and this evening, he will be going to bed early so he can go to work-alarm will be going off at 2AM or maybe it is5, I don't remember.
Debbie
Napa Valley,Ca3 -
Lanette: I will take a look at Tara Woodcox. The high protein meals sound interesting. I am living off of Quest protein bars and Quest protein chips. I make some salmon, shrimp and ground turkey. Otherwise I hardly cook at all. My husband has a G-tube and I do tube feedings. I do have help that does some of the feedings. He can take his meds with a little pudding but this will end soon. I should look at Doc Martin again. I use to enjoy the show!
RvRita: I admire your managing a campground. You must be a great people person!
GrandMallie: Fried Green tomatoes was filmed near where I live. The set is still there. There is an old mill there. Before Covid a restaurant was going there. I don't know if it still is. The area is somewhat rural still.
Heather: good for you for doing the 5k. I love your pictures of the ocean. I miss the ocean and look at air BNB's where I can go to the ocean when I am able and sit by the pier and watch the sun set. People do this at this pier.
Kylia: I hope you get some rest!
Annie: I have a friend in a similar situation...Estranged from a son in his 20's because of a divorce. It is very painful, but she is in a good situation with a new husband so is in a good place otherwise.
Lisa: I believe in lifestyle over diet. But my life style these days isn't great. I struggle to eat right and to be rested well enough to exercise. I do exercise when I have enough rest.
Barbara: I don't use the dryer much. I hang my clothes on the shower rod in the bath room.
Evelyn: Congrats on being down 3.2 pounds
Debbie: I hate the gyms that make you sign contracts. Sometimes they auto renew and sometimes you need to give written notice and so many days notice to end the contract. The contracts can be tricky to get out of.
Machka: Our lizards are green!
Got some good rest last night and am hopeful for tonight! Spoke with my Mom by video call today. She will be 92 in May and is living alone and goes to exercise and texts and does video calls! She lives near my brother.
Best,
Rosemarie from Georgia
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A bitterly cold and wintry day has given me the perfect excuse to huddle with my laptop and catch up with all of you over the past couple hours. Thanks for all your photos, stories, encouragement and memes.LisaInArkansas wrote: »With so many of us contemplating upheavals, and others of us dealing with the death of family and loved ones, I think many will be glad to say goodbye to January and start our clean slate here in February. At times like these, when I see each of us reaching out with love and support, experience and advice, I know once more why I'm here. There has been no other group of people I have ever known like this, and none that I have valued as I do all of you. Thank you all for what you give each day, whether it's expressed in words or not. Knowing you're there is enough.
Love y'all,
Lisa in AR
Ditto! Lisa, you always seem to know how to phrase what I'm thinking.
January was an up and down month. I have been listening to back episodes of Feel Better Live More podcast with Dr. Chatterjee. One guest talked about adjusting our eating, sleeping and exercise to correspond with the seasons, and I had an epiphany...d'oh! I don't have to exercise at 9:30 every morning, especially after working till 11:30 the night before. I don't have to eat raw veges or salads for lunch, when what my real yearning is for a loaded soup, stir fry or frittata. My friend has confessed she just can't work up enthusiasm to hike during our cold, snowy spells, so we both enrolled in the Row House, just to give ourselves an indoor gym experience that works different muscles. I love the rowing machine, and have one in my condo I can use for free, but the chance to do this together gives me something to look forward to. Since adjusting to be in better alignment with my natural circadian waves I feel great and have dropped over a pound.
Lanette: I never used to be comfortable walking barefoot, but since developing Morton's neuroma in one foot years ago, I am very picky about the fit of my shoes. Wide toe box is a must. Often I cut the tops off my socks, too. Recently I experimented with a pair of minimalist trainers, and find that I can exercise very well in those. No pain in feet, knees or hips while wearing those, and absolutely no annoying neuroma feeling on the bottom of my food. Slowly extending the time I spend in them, and learning to walk on different terrain. Balance is great. Interesting to 'feel' the ground beneath wearing a shoe built more like a moccasin.
Thinking of all of you who are dealing with difficult family situations. Hope you take care of yourselves, especially your loving, generous hearts. May forgiveness prevail in all your interactions and peace envelope you and yours.
Hugs to all who need them. We can do this.
Rori
Colorado Foothills
6
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