WOMEN AGES 50+ FOR APRIL 2023
Replies
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Kim - You have absolutely no commitment to be a caretaker for your abuser. She has abused you all your life and facilitated your brother's horrific abuse of you. I would load her in the car and dump her outside the nearest hospital. You owe her nothing. I'm sure her cognition is going downhill, but she is showing her true colours. You have no obligation to be the object of her abuse. Offload her to be someone else's problem.
I always swore that I would do that with my mother. Lucky for me, I didn't have to, but I swear I would have. Our helpless, bloodline love doesn't mean we have to martyr ourselves. She is an active abuser. She is lucky she hasn't been murdered.
Love, angry Heather in the UK xxxxxxxx8 -
Kim my parents are very stubborn and misinformed and suspicious of the wrong things when it comes to finances. And they won't listen to me until they are stuck in a pickle.
Good luck, and bless you for trying. You will get a star in your crown, as my mother used to say.
Annie in Delaware4 -
Hi Gals,
some of this is just venting....
for those of you also dealing with older parents.... I know my mom is very limited in her hearing (especially without her hearing aids - which she hates to wear) and that she processes slower, but she will look at me with a completely blank look - give me no visual or verbal clue that she is participating in the conversation or even knows that I am talking to her, but when I ask what do you think, or did you hear me -- she says okay.... so I know at some level she is listening... It's hard to turn everything into an open ended question but has anyone come up with something to say to get feedback that is meaning full? I suggested that we deal with her taxes, at least call her tax person (who she will not tell me their name, company or phone number) But I think it is H&R Block - I told her I would like to know if she could move the appointment to an office closer to us, or do it in a way that we would not need two appointments. I know what town the tax person is in and it is 1- 1 1/2 hours drive away from me. She looked at me blankly - then I asked if she would like me to make the call - response was quit bugging me. So I don't know if just talking to her is bugging her, or taxes are bugging her or maybe to quote Lisa her cheese has just fallen off her cracker.
This is day 15 and It has been hard, I cry every day. I feel so alone and a complete failure. She is getting better which is good, but that makes it harder the less she needs me the meaner she feels she can be to me. She is like a kid who goes through waves of pushing the boundaries...for 3-4 days she replaced my name in any communication with "slave". She told me she was funny. I told her I hated that I was offended and it was degrading and that I would not be responding. So I didn't and it went away - it's back this morning with her asking for something me doing it and then saying thanks slave girl.... Counseling in 3 hours and 45min...but I am not counting LOL I promise I will not kill her - but gosh darn she is pushing as hard as she can.
Kim in N. California
Oh hugs friend! My father had dementia, and Lewy bodies disease which is akin to Parkinson's. My father was a tall man and so it was difficult, do they over medicate so hes managable but mentally gone, or not give him a lot and risk being injured when he would swing at them? He would say "yep" all the time like he was understanding but he wasn't really participating mentally in anything you were saying. He used the wrong words most of the time. In the beginning of his illness, when he had had a couple mini strokes, he just spouted "bank words" in the rehabilitation place. It was "June, July, twenty-five, twenty-six" or "loan approved". The rehab people had not a clue what he was saying, but we stressed to them, " he used to be assistant manager at us bank main branch" so they finally keyed into that and helped him get through it.
You will have good days and really awful days but don't take most of what your mom says to heart. Its the disease talking. Her brain is like a file drawer that is managed by a five year old. You are trying to make sense of it all, and bits and pieces will make sense, but they're filed under the wrong file. She will be defiant. Don't use your valuable energy trying to make her understand. Keep conversations simple as she will get flustered easily. Most importantly put your arms around yourself and squeeze hard. You are doing the best you can!💖.
Rebecca
Whidbey
Wa6 -
Heather - thanks for sharing your opinion however in California that is illegal
Specifically, California Family Code section 4400 (“FC 4400”) states that, “Except as otherwise provided by law, an adult child shall, to the extent of the adult child's ability, support a parent who is in need and unable to self-maintain by work.
And my mother has NOT abused me all my life. My childhood was a delight, which is probably why I am the person I am, my mother lost her way when my dad died, I was 19 years old.
Annie , Lisa and Rebecca- thanks I appreciate the support.
Kim in N. California.7 -
SophieRosieMom wrote: »
Debbie - you have me drooling at your greenhouse photos! My potatoes are ready to be planted and it's been so cool and wet I haven't had the desire. Rain is supposed to continue for the next few days but hopefully it will warm up and give me some time outside where I can get them planted. Doing the cardboard box planting this year. Can't recall if I posted the video. If anyone wants to see it, let me know.
Time to feed the chickies (Machka, thanks for the cartoon!
)
Lanette
SW WA State
It is supposed to rain AGAIN Friday but warm up a lot starting Sunday(forecast says 80 for Sunday and 81 for Monday)
It has been to cold and wet for so long. It felt great to get some things in my new little greenhouse.
It was only $43 plus shipping for it and big enough for what I need.
My actual garden hasn't been weeded or gone up into since early November so weeds are crazy up there. Don't mind the oxalis because it pulls easy. It is the terrible Bermuda grass that I HATE. Really hard on the back after pulling for few hours. Need to put more weed block down under the pots again. Will have my son help me with that. He owes me some gardening time(birthday gift from him)
Once I get started it isn't bad, just getting started that is hardest for me. I may go up there this afternoon for a little bit, see just how bad it is.
Need to pull out a few craft projects for Ezie for the next two days. Has been so nice having the three days off that I didn't plan on.
Question about Easter dinner-
Are you planning the traditional meal of ham, etc?
Or are you doing something else?
I will be making cashew chicken and rice. Not sure what else. Dessert will be a pineapple angel food cake(sooo easy and everyone loves it- just a box of angelfood cake mix and a can of crushed pineapple mixed together . Don't add the eggs/water that the box calls for. Bake at 350 for 35 min- that is it)topped with whipped cream.
Not sure if son will be here but when ever I make my cashew chicken, everyone loves it and any leftovers are eating the next day. Even MIL likes it. Same with the sweet and sour pork.
I love cooking the big traditional meals but a waste if the guys aren't going to eat it.
Need to go clean out the fridge and part of the freezer. Each week I try and dump more stuff. Want to totally clean the freezer out and defrost it. No room for new stuff because all the old stuff that needs to just be dumped if no one is going to eat it. Just need to be more careful going forward with what we buy.
Debbie
Napa Valley,Ca
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5. Turn a regular activity into a playful game today. Turn on the music and dance while folding laundry and putting it away.
Welcome @Latestarter2018 Sarah from New Zealand!
Heather ((hugs)) held extra long for Johnny. So sad.
Debbie and Rebecca that is reason number one why I have a female dermatologist. Reson number two is that the female derms I’ve had have always listened better and been gentler than the first, grumpy, mean, old male one. Debbie glad your guy at least has a sense of humor. Prayers continue for Destiny hope.
Allie love your smile and especially love that Carmine entrusted you with the secret. Prayer said for this afternoon’s appointment.
Kylia prayer said for today's appointment.
Pip very well done, both the fundraising and Lucy.
Machka I wish our MD had the same attitude about that BP. 145/87 was Joe’s yesterday after being off Lisinopril for a week, but the PA tried to argue him into taking it again. He felt she was so adversarial he wants to quit the practice and all meds entirely. I’m scared.
Joy good luck with the mammo.
Only through page 14 but time to change from dog walking clothes to those appropriate to wear in public
.04/04: Move: 2 sets PT w/D. steps:2880 :P
Fuel: plants running count for week so far: 8+6+4+2= almonds, apple, avocado, beans-chili, beans-garbanzo, beans-green, beets, cucumber, Kashi, lettuce-spring mix, maple syrup, onion soup, peanut sauce, radish, rice-brown, romaine, soy breakfast patty, tangerines, tea, wheat-sourdough/tortilla CI =1401
Live: Joe, readings, BP, lemon crinkles, wrap goodies and mail, bank. Wt:134.7
Lighter, lovelies!
Barbara, the Southern Oregon Coastie AHMOD
2023: Be of good cheer. April: Move more, fuel better, live NOW.
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Kim, I am so sorry you are dealing with all of that. She really does sound so much like MIL. It is hard to believe that they can be so hateful to their own child who is doing nothing wrong just taking care of them as best they can.
Fumiko has not called dh a slave outright but that is exactly how she is treating him.
She has healed from her broken bones and can do so much for herself but still wants and expects him to be there still, twice a day. June 10th will be a year of this(before he was staying there 24/7 but stopped that finally.
I hope your appointment goes well. I wish dh would go. He really could benefit from it.
I had dh read your post- He sees so much of his mom in it.
He asks- is your mom's primary language something other than English?
His mom's primary is Japanese/Okinawan. Her doctors say she has a disconnect in her brain. She has trouble processing things more that she is older.
His mom doesn't call him her slave but treats him like it and if he doesn't kiss her a**, she yells at him that he is abusing her. She refuses to get up and eat at the table, just sits in her recliner waiting for him to serve her her food. She "throws face" as he calls it if it is something she decides she doesn't want. She expects him to pick up food for her and almost always refuses to eat any leftovers, even if it is things she tells him to pick up for her
HUGS!!
Debbie
edit- one other thing, have you found that she is worse in the evenings(the blank stares and odd comments?).
Yesterday MIL asked dh how they got their last name. Why was it different. Doesn't sound Yugo.
The night before, asked him what year he was born.
During the day yesterday she was really good- cooked a big meal with very little help. Made pork curry and daikon w/ potatoes and pork. Dh cut up the pork and that was it, she did everything else, like cutting all the veggies with no problem. This shows us that her wrist/hand is a lot better. Other days she says she can't do anything because of it(wants him to wait on her even more)2 -
My mom wants me to make lamb for Easter. I looked for a small piece of leg of lamb but no luck. So I bought some chops and some stew pieces; I'm going to cook it all in water like a pot roast with onion and carrot until it falls off the bone and see if it makes stew. The backup is a tiny ham and a can of crushed pineapple. And I bought a small chocolate cake because I'm really not the best cook.
Annie in Delaware
Eta: OMG the pineapple stuffing recipes call for a month's calorie allowance of butter and sugar! I bet the lamb isn't skinny food either. Maybe we will have hard boiled eggs!2 -
I’ve been helping a friend undecorating an artificial Christmas Tree. Basket ball colored balls are being put away now. I wonder if the tree will become a golf ball tree. I’ll be happy to help. I will suggest the idea of using pingpong balls as artificial golf balls.🌹
Katla in Illinois4 -
Lanette I usually bought a roasted chicken from Costco and made chicken broth from the bones. Very inexpensive compared to beef bones I bought for $5 #. But, beef bones are higher in collagen so I thought I would try them. Now with the price difference I think I might do a mixture to keep the cost down. I also did a little experiment with adding about an oz. of Cheddar broccoli soup mix to a cup of broth. The taste was amazing!! The only issue is the broccoli didn’t have enough time to absorb the liquid and was rock hard. My husband the cook told me that I need to let it sit for about 20 minutes and heat it up a couple of times to get the broccoli to rehydrate. I’m going to try that tonight! Now I can drink it every day for the rest of my life and love the taste! Lots of soup bases and other ingredients to make it taste better!! I want to try Margaret’s ideas,but we are on the road so I brought the soup base. I made enough broth and froze it for our trip!!
💕Mary from Arizona/Minnesota4 -
Oh, Kim. I'm so sorry your mother is being rude. Even if she thinks she's being funny, it's not an excuse.
Take care of yourself as well as you can.
Flea
Willamette Valley OR3 -
Electrophysiologist is the electric heart Dr,mine is also my cardiologist.. he is great...
My BP was 108 / 72 thank goodness for bp meds lol ,waiting on the doc now.3 -
Kim - Your mother facilitated your brother's abuse of you and has demeaned you all your life. Her age is no excuse. You have often told us how she undermined you. Your original name was momsamodel. That tells me everything. Fortunately, in the UK no one can tell us that we have to support an abuser.
Lo e Heather UK.5 -
Kim I am sorry I wasn't aware of the back story with your mom. Take what I mentioned earlier with a grain of salt friend.💖🙏
Rebecca
Whidbey
Wa
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Kim
Hugs!
Okie in the TX Hill Country1 -
Kim- another thing dh says, regarding his mother-
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know if you will get plain or just nuts3 -
5. Turn a regular activity into a playful game today. Turn on the music and dance while folding laundry and putting it away.
Debbie and Rebecca that is reason number one why I have a female dermatologist. Reson number two is that the female derms I’ve had have always listened better and been gentler than the first, grumpy, mean, old male one. Debbie glad your guy at least has a sense of humor. Prayers continue for Destiny hope.04/04: Move: 2 sets PT w/D. steps:2880 :P
Fuel: plants running count for week so far: 8+6+4+2= almonds, apple, avocado, beans-chili, beans-garbanzo, beans-green, beets, cucumber, Kashi, lettuce-spring mix, maple syrup, onion soup, peanut sauce, radish, rice-brown, romaine, soy breakfast patty, tangerines, tea, wheat-sourdough/tortilla CI =1401
Live: Joe, readings, BP, lemon crinkles, wrap goodies and mail, bank. Wt:134.7
Lighter, lovelies!
Barbara, the Southern Oregon Coastie AHMOD
2023: Be of good cheer. April: Move more, fuel better, live NOW.
My regular doctor and gyn are both female- dermatology and plastic surgeon(for melanoma removal and reconstruction) were both male.
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Katla--I have read Robyn Carr, Virgin River books and enjoyed them. Happy for you that you got your library card. Maybe your daughter could bring you a few of your books and when are done exchange them for others until you have a place you can have them all.
Kim--Please feel free to vent all you need. Sending prayers and hugs. Wish I was closer so I could help.
Another fun day at the zoo, full moon does make a differnce. Went to meeting about my friend being sent home. Guess they are planning on Saturday. So I will pick her up and take her home and make sure she has some easy mircowave meals for a couple weeks. I just pray she does ok.
Blessings, Vicki GRAND ISLAND, NE
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Kim ... I know how hard caring for someone is when you have help ... I can only imagine how hard it is for you doing this alone. The hearing thing ... from personal experience, both watching my mom and my own reactions as a deaf person ... your mom is most likely not hearing. Saying "okay" or "stop bugging me" do not necessarily mean she heard you. She saw your lips moving. I say okay and get annoyed with my husband when I am frustrated and just want him to stop talking so I don't have to go through the laborious process of trying to understand with my limited hearing. However ... sorry to say this ... I also do this when I have heard him and I'm just not interested. Based on what you've told us about your mom ... it could be either or both of those things.
Beth6 -
Kim, my heart goes out to you. So very sorry you have to deal with this very difficult situation. I have no real words of advice as I have not faced anything like what you are experiencing. My father aged 'normally' and passed away from a heart attack at age 92. He lived a good long life and was a kind, gentle man right to the end. My mother unfortunately died from ovarian cancer at the age of 65. I did assist her as a caregiver in the last few months of her life but this role was shared with my sister.
I hope you will find some way to deal with this that works for you. Please take time for yourself.
Joy5 -
(((Kim))) — Does the State of California have support help for people who are caring for a difficult elderly family member? Do they provide assistance? Is elder daycare available?
Katla5 -
Debbie ...Easter Dinner. There will be 4 of us for dinner. I'm making a small ham for my husband - the only one who eats ham. I'm making stuffed cabbage rolls for my mom - she is the only one who eats them and this is her request now for every dinner that she has at my home. I asked my son what he wanted and he said a stuffed turkey. I gave him a good whack on the arm!
I'll have potatoes and vegetables and rolls along with kolachki (nut roll) and carrot cake. My son and I will pick at the ham and the stuffed cabbage. And then, of course, there will be candy! 
Beth4 -
Debbie ...Easter Dinner. There will be 4 of us for dinner. I'm making a small ham for my husband - the only one who eats ham. I'm making stuffed cabbage rolls for my mom - she is the only one who eats them and this is her request now for every dinner that she has at my home. I asked my son what he wanted and he said a stuffed turkey. I gave him a good whack on the arm! I'll have potatoes and vegetables and rolls along with kolachki (nut roll) and carrot cake. My son and I will pick at the ham and the stuffed cabbage. And then, of course, there will be candy!
Beth
for holidays I try to make one main thing then sides that I let the guys each pick two- son always picks deviled eggs and mac & cheese. Dh picks rice and if asparagus is in season, like now, he will pick that. I like salad and mashed potatoes(son also likes mashed potatoes)or sweet potatoes.
I have started doing salmon as our main lately, something everyone likes. Son prefers turkey but dh doesn't care too much for it. He likes ham but son doesn't like it. I am ok with either, as long as I have a lot of veggies too.
There will be at most, four of us here. That is if son and his girlfriend are here. Haven't heard if they will be here or at her families. Dh will take some over to his mom's.
Church is doing pancake breakfast, Sunday School, church, fried chicken potluck, early afternoon service and then candy hunt for the kids. I will be there just for church. Beings I go to church by myself and there are so many people in a little room and of course, no one wears masks, I haven't felt like going. Maybe next time I will.4 -
Kim,I wish I could be there to give you hugs..
My FIL was a grump but I learned how to work around his memory loss,and even taught Tom how to deal too.
Debbie and Kim if they are worse at night thats sundowners and that can be brutal.. all I can offer is to contact any social services that can help with elderly to help you walk through it and know we are always here for you...
Got the ok from kidney dr for another 6 months ,nothing much has changed in 2-3 yrs so all is good,did bloodwork for transplant center,im supposwd to do that monthly to stay on the list.bloodwork is at the same place as drs office..5 -
Stats for the day-
Walk w/family to Costco and back- 2hrs 21min 44sec, 38elev, 3.02ap, 86ahr, 117mhr, 7.26mi= 683c
Strava app/ 889c
Walk home to gym- 11.29min, .52mi= 52c
Strava app= 64c
Rowing machine- 10min, 34aw, 81ahr, 97mhr, 1388meters= 70c
Elliptical machine- 10min, 2incl, 2resist, 119ahr, 131mhr, .74mi= 74c
Walk gym to home- 12.06min, .55mi= 51c
Strava app= 68c
Zwift home spin bike- strava stats- 35.45min, 40gear, last mile 35gear, 364elev, 105aw, 16.8amph, 102ahr, 120mhr, 10.03mi= 208c
Strava app= 213c
Zwift stats- 35.45min, 367elev, 104aw, 45arpm, 16.78amph, 10mi= 214c
Total cal 11382 -
<img src="https://scontent-msp1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/339407717_239182938592977_1035943992593188957_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=JKkeLSJJnccAX8tRMll&_nc_ht=scontent-msp1-1.xx&oh=00_AfDVQuQkLA36aa0qJ4gY41bQxt9DfVOvx40ptPiVsiQjvg&oe=64324C18" alt="May be an image of African daisy and nature"/>
We went to Como yesterday to help with the grey and rainy weather. Today is windy and cold.6 -
Heather - thanks for sharing your opinion however in California that is illegal
Specifically, California Family Code section 4400 (“FC 4400”) states that, “Except as otherwise provided by law, an adult child shall, to the extent of the adult child's ability, support a parent who is in need and unable to self-maintain by work.
And my mother has NOT abused me all my life. My childhood was a delight, which is probably why I am the person I am, my mother lost her way when my dad died, I was 19 years old.
Annie , Lisa and Rebecca- thanks I appreciate the support.
Kim in N. California.
How many weeks do you have left?
I see my husband, since his severe brain injury, in some of what you've said and in what others have said.
Blank stare ... oh yes. I'll talk more about it after work. My bus is about to drop me off now.
Hugs!
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Kim If you read the FC4400 that is referring to financial support for necessities and care. Not that you are required to physically care for them. That only applies if they don’t have financial resources to support themselves. You can get a waiver if you can’t afford to pay. If it was my parents I would physically care for them as well but definitely set limitations.
💕Mary from Arizona/Minnesota4 -
fanncy0626 wrote: »Kim If you read the FC4400 that is referring to financial support for necessities and care. Not that you are required to physically care for them. That only applies if they don’t have financial resources to support themselves. If it was my parents I would physically care for them as well but definitely set limitations.
💕Mary from Arizona/Minnesota
But if you don't have the financial resources to pay . . . We struggled with that and my mil. She was on Medicaid, but it didn't cover all of her care. We lived out of state, and couldn't take care of her, so my husband ended up paying the balance every month. It was a hardship, for sure, but thankfully he had the resources at the time to do it. He lost his job in December, and he has said multiple times he doesn't know what we would have done to support her care if she were still alive.
Caring for our parents is so stressful and difficult.
Kim, you are doing a fabulous job. I hope you keep reminding yourself of that. If you forget, we are here to remind you that you are being a terrific daughter.
You are not a slave. You are providing loving service to the woman who raised you, and that is an honorable thing.
Flea
Willamette Valley OR6 -
Worked yesterday, then put down the paver sand and then seeded some small parts. Vince had an eye MD appt and he got his eyes dilated so I went to ceramics alone. Today the guy was here to do the excavating.l It was a day where I could have washed the car, but instead I cleaned the railing on the deck. Helped Vince with a block and then went to Aldi.
Today (Wed) I did Firm’s total Strength and Abs DVD then went for a walk around the block
Terri – lovely painting
Rita – good for you listening to your gut
I was supposed to volunteer at the Green Room today but I wanted to be here for the excavating guy. Besides, it was too nice to be inside. Maybe I’ll go Friday, it’s supposed to rain
katla – you’re sounding more and more happy about where you are, I’m so glad. Now the card!!!
Allie – I’m happy for Carmine in that he has a date, but at the same time so sad he’s so confused. Hopefully, this will help clear the confusion. Great glasses. So glad things are OK with the kidney doc
Debbie – I have to say that one of the things I am OCD about is weeds. I see a weed and I have to pull it. If I can’t, out comes the weed killer
latestarter – welcome! It’s never too late to join in!
I know Vince is tired from all he did today and I’m tired so we won’t go walking tonight
pip – yea for Lucy!
Kylia – could you have white coat syndrome?
Rebecca – I swear, your son better have a gun when Athena gets older!
Kim – I agree with Rebecca – keep the conversations simple and hug yourself every day. You ARE doing a great thing
Debbie – I love the pineapple angel food. Unfortunately, Jess won’t eat it. So I’m getting an ice cream cake and I made brownies. That’s enough dessert. I’m really undecided if I should ask friends from bowling for Easter dinner. I know they’ll be alone. If it’s nice weather, I would like Colby to help some with the heavier things.
Michele NC
who is going to watch some TV2
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