Would you remain friends with someone that cheated?

chillijam1

i can understand ,but its true thats when you find out who your true friends are if they still friends with this person ,has on recieving end i found out i didnt have real friends ,just ppl who said they where :ohwell:

ONE03

There is never an excuse for cheating. End the relationship. Just because you aren't in love or whatever, doesn't excuse you to just go cheat.

I agree.

daisydieter

I've been thinking about this thread. I think there are three kinds of cheaters.

Before I get into that, cheating NEVER happens in a happy, healthy relationship. It was a broken one before anyone strayed.

First kind of cheater is the one who is just so unhappy/lonely/sad... possibly angry even. However, they believe that a divorce would make things far worse, especially if they have children with that person. Or they believe that person might have some sort of mental breakdown or unable to support themselves. A paramour is sought because they want to find some happiness and STAY married.

Second kind of cheater is just as unhappy and scared to be alone... and are cheating hoping to find a reason to leave their spouse. Motivation and a soft place to land, so to speak.

I'd still be friends with these two types despite my not agreeing with their choices. (I'm friends with people who are Republicans after all. LOL)

Third kind of cheater is the one who likes the thrill of cheating. They like having the happy domestic situation... having the world think they are the perfect spouse... even their spouse believing that. But they love the thrill of the hunt and the getting away with it. They even lie to their paramours about just how many of them exist. In other words, they cheat on the people they're cheating with. The people involved that are being lied to, it isn't a necessary evil like the first two types but just a means to an end to something they believe they're entitled to have. They have no real respect for the other people. No idea if they are sex addicts or have some sort of personality disorder. (I was on the receiving end of being with a man like that years ago.)

This type of cheater, I'm not sure I could maintain a friendship. I think they're not really able to be truly friends with anyone as they are at heart, a very selfish person who feels other people's feelings don't count. But I seriously doubt I'd ever know I have a friend doing this. They are master liars. Part of the game is their friends don't know.

ItsCasey

If I visualize myself as the cheater and if I was willing to do something so despicable to my BEST friend, then I would likely have no hesitation betraying other friends. You know what I mean? I guess I don't see how a friendship with ones spouse is of LESS value than friendship with friends. In my eyes if someone is willing to betray their spouse/loved one, they are willing to do anything

I get where you're coming from, but it just isn't that black and white. Again, marriages and friendships ARE DIFFERENT. Moral relativism makes this whole argument dysfunctional.

Cheating on a spouse does not mean you are "willing to do anything." This is why everyone keeps saying "You have no idea what goes on in someone else's marriage." You don't know why they did it or what they learned from it, so you have no idea whether or not they'd do it again or if it would make them more likely to betray a platonic friend.

I don't think anyone on this thread is saying that there are certain circumstances that make cheating permissible. When you take vows and promise to be faithful to someone for the rest of your life, there is absolutely no excuse for cheating. But not one of your friends is perfect. Every last one of them has made a stupid, selfish, inexcusable decision at one point or another that hurt someone else. Are you going to ditch all of them? I mean, if you think one wrong move against another person means your friends are willing to turn on you, too, then surely you don't have any friends left.

Are you a good friend to this hypothetical person who cheated? Has he/she been a good friend to you? If the answer to both questions is yes, then what is the problem? I get it if we're talking about a chronic cheater. Clearly that person has issues that make him/her incapable of any kind of loyalty. But a friend makes one decision that you find to be morally reprehensible and he/she can't be your friend anymore? Even Jesus didn't have standards that high.

AwesomelyAmber

I have remained friends with some and ended friendships with others... it's situational. I don't make any bones about the fact that I believe there is NEVER a reason to cheat though...

HMD7703

I've been thinking about this thread. I think there are three kinds of cheaters.

Before I get into that, cheating NEVER happens in a happy, healthy relationship. It was a broken one before anyone strayed.

First kind of cheater is the one who is just so unhappy/lonely/sad... possibly angry even. However, they believe that a divorce would make things far worse, especially if they have children with that person. Or they believe that person might have some sort of mental breakdown or unable to support themselves. A paramour is sought because they want to find some happiness and STAY married.

Second kind of cheater is just as unhappy and scared to be alone... and are cheating hoping to find a reason to leave their spouse. Motivation and a soft place to land, so to speak.

I'd still be friends with these two types despite my not agreeing with their choices. (I'm friends with people who are Republicans after all. LOL)

Third kind of cheater is the one who likes the thrill of cheating. They like having the happy domestic situation... having the world think they are the perfect spouse... even their spouse believing that. But they love the thrill of the hunt and the getting away with it. They even lie to their paramours about just how many of them exist. In other words, they cheat on the people they're cheating with. The people involved that are being lied to, it isn't a necessary evil like the first two types but just a means to an end to something they believe they're entitled to have. They have no real respect for the other people. No idea if they are sex addicts or have some sort of personality disorder. (I was on the receiving end of being with a man like that years ago.)

This type of cheater, I'm not sure I could maintain a friendship. I think they're not really able to be truly friends with anyone as they are at heart, a very selfish person who feels other people's feelings don't count. But I seriously doubt I'd ever know I have a friend doing this. They are master liars. Part of the game is their friends don't know.

I really like your breakdown. When you put it this way, I would be inclined to agree.

NeshBeMe

It's funny you say that because I had 2 very close female friends. Both cheated on their husbands. One not only stole my SS Number and had a phone in my name, but after some years I forgave her and she stole money from my purse (on my birthday, might I add). The other was my best friend since 1st grade and last year, I cut all ties with her. She had NO idea how to be a 'real' friend, after I had told her many, many times before. She was only around when she needed me for something. I'm not one to judge someone and I won't stop being someone's friend based on them cheating but it's amazing how those 2 were also horrible friends as well.

moushtie

Wow. I'm glad my friends aren't as closed minded as the OP! Is it cheating when your partner gives you permission to have an affair?

auticus

I have a hard time with this. My wife cheated many times and often with friends of mine.

I know a lot of people that do it serially as if its nothing.

I can't say that I'm truly friends with anyone who is like this. Character is an important facet of a person that I take into consideration before letting them around me.

I also know people have a million excuses to justify what they do. But at the end of the day that's all they are. Excuses.

I can say that with confidence from my ivory tower but if any of my current friends cheated it would depend on what is going on I suppose as well.

The whole "we deserve" mantra is not something that I follow though. You deserve to be treated how you treat others. That's what I believe in. If you are a shady cheater, you don't deserve anything but the same in return in my opinion.

princesspeach577

No matter how much you think you know your closest friend, it is entirely possible that you are not aware of all the circumstances, feelings, and emotions that they experience in their relationship with their significant other. While trust in any relationship is a big concern, you can't apply a "one size fits all" solution to this question without knowing all the reasons which led to the cheat.

THIS!

mandy_freeman

HAIL to the NO!

Fubar_Bill

I have a friend who cheats on his wife when he can. I feel badly, but all I can do is to try and set a good example. He knows that I am completely honest with my girlfriend and don't believe in cheating or lying.

He will always be my friend, but I would never put myself into a situation where I needed to trust him.

Hopefully, in the long run, he will see the benefits I get from trust and honesty.

NeshBeMe

yup, we all make mistakes and need forgiveness...

^^this! My ex-husband not only cheated, he conceived a child. He has to pay for his mistakes, not me. I'm not one to hold a grudge and we are actually friends now.

messyinthekitchen

Yes I would. Just because they are a ****ty spouse doesn't make them a crappy friend.

AureliaCotta

Depends on a lot of things so I can't definitely say "yes" or "no." Life--and love--is not always as black and white as we'd like it to be.

rachelhohenbrink

People make mistakes. It depends on the situation. I don't think it is right to judge another person or their circumstances. One day you may be the one who makes a mistake and is abandoned because of it.

WhittRak

Depends

stcar

I think I'm the only person I know that hasn't cheated. I wouldn't have any friends left if I cut them all out of my life!!

bigdawg025

I know this is hard to believe... but people are HUMAN... and HUMANS are WEAK. There are temptations all around us, and sometimes those WEAK HUMANS (yes... that's what we all are to a degree because we have an animalistic instinct just like any other "animal" on this planet) give in to such temptations.

So no... I would not judge my friends for cheating... however... I would try my best to find out WHY because there is almost always something underlying or amiss in the relationship if it comes down to that. If I'm a good friend... I will be there for them and do my best to see what's going on emotionally, etc.

sh** happens in life... forgive but never forget. Now... like someone else said... if they're using me as an alibi and I find out... you're outta here!

bergsangel

refreshing to hear this from a man. Tough question though. I def would not trust the person or want to be in situations with them where bad things could happen. Life is edgy and anytime I go out with my friends, the opportunity to cheat presents itself. I prefer to know we are all on the same page and will be leaving together ALONE at the end of the night!