going dutch on a first date

scarlettsky7

what are your thoughts on going dutch on a first date?

i am a female and had a lovely time w/ the male i was with. he opened the door to my side of the car, but didnt pay for our food. i usually offer my credit card (as a gesture that im not a gold-digger) but what can i say, im old fashioned especially on a first date. i like to be swept off my feet. however, i know it's 2013 and i believe that gender roles shouldnt be so strict...i'd love to hear your opinion on this.

justgowithit17

if he asked you out on the date then he should pay, imo.

RunDoozer

I always pay. However, it's nice if she at least tries to. Kinda don't like it when it's just expected though.

I knew girls that would go out on dates in college with guys they didnt like just so they could eat. Don't like feeling like I'm a meal ticket. So just offer is all.

suey07

Hmm, I've had guys pay for the meal before and i've also had dates where we went dutch. I think it all depends on what the guy interpreted the dinner to be. Sometimes it is confusing and I've mistakenly called "hangouts" as dates before and freaked them out.

inskydiamonds

I don't like it actually when I'm dating someone and they always pay. I prefer things to be equally split. When I'm first dating someone I always always pay my portion.
With my SO and my ex, we always took turns paying. I don't think the male should have to pay all the time, because frankly I don't think it makes sense. We don't live in an era anymore where the majority of men work and the women stay home all day with no income.

RunDoozer

if he asked you out on the date then he should pay, imo.

I've been asked out before by women, yet still expected to pay. I don't think this should be an automatic reason not to go dutch. But I always pay the first date so meh.

NobodyInParticular

if he asked you out on the date then he should pay, imo.

I like a girl who will offer to pay but this is true.

susheetush

I used to get weird about guys paying on the first date so I usually insisted we went dutch. But if I liked him and we went out on a second date, then I'd let him pay if he wanted to.

I guess I didn't want to feel obliged if he paid. But maybe that's coz I was out of the dating scene for so long so when I was back it it, I over-thought everything!

suey07

how was it handled when the bill came around to the table?

LilacSnow

i think a guy should pay, as it helps offset the cost of being a woman.

i mean, the cost of make-up, hair cuts, high heels, lingerie, waxing....

jcmartin0313

I think if the second date hinges on who paid for the first date, then the first date was doomed before it began. Societal norms suggest the man pays for the date. If the woman (or man) wants to pay, I do not think the other person should feel offended. I am not sure how you go about asking a first date to go dutch anyway.

susheetush

I think if the second date hinges on who paid for the first date, then the first date was doomed before it began. Societal norms suggest the man pays for the date. If the woman (or man) wants to pay, I do not think the other person should feel offended. I am not sure how you go about asking a first date to go dutch anyway.

I've never had a date ASK to go dutch. And 99% of guys were gracious when I said that it was important for me to pay half.

I also feel bad if I know I earn more than the guy, because societal norms notwithstanding, a date is a chance for both people to decide if there's something there that should be explored, so why should he get hit up more than me, especially if I can afford it more?

scarlettsky7

thanks for the input so far.

to answer your question: when the bill came he got out his card and then i paused and dug for mine and then put it down. im just so used to the guy saying, "oh, no i got this" that i was surprised he didnt say or do anything. if he was going to be old fashioned and open the door for me, then he should pay for the date too, right?

it just feels like so many guys are halfassing it and chivalry is dead these days. in the grand scheme of things its not that big of a deal. but i felt cheapened thats all.

EDesq

Who ever asked the person out should also say, "How about Dutch or Is Dutch OK." Then the other party can decide. But for sure BOTH should should know the economic status of the date BEFORE a bill/tab or payment is expected. This is a simple communication situation...if you can't communicate up front any future relationship might be doomed. If a woman is unsure of the situation date/hangout/Dutch...she should ask for clarity.

fara180

no no no no no no no no no non ononononononon NOOOOOO.

ladies, NEVER pay for a first date. especially if he asked you out. never, ever, ever. going dutch is for friends or people who have been dating for a significant amount of time. you could offer to reach for your wallet, but if you're with a gentleman he will pay- no matter what.

if you're confused as to who is paying...try to get the answer before you even go on the date. when he asks you out, ask him where you'll be going. say something offhand like "it can't be too expensive, i have to pay rent tommorrow," or something like that. at this point, he'll either say "okay, i'll pick something fairly reasonable," which means you'll be paying your portion...or if he's a decent man he'll say "don't worry about it, i've got it."

MyChocolateDiet

thanks for the input so far.

to answer your question: when the bill came he got out his card and then i paused and dug for mine and then put it down. im just so used to the guy saying, "oh, no i got this" that i was surprised he didnt say or do anything. if he was going to be old fashioned and open the door for me, then he should pay for the date too, right?

it just feels like so many guys are halfassing it and chivalry is dead these days. in the grand scheme of things its not that big of a deal. but i felt cheapened thats all.

oh you can never know what that meant. you'd have to ask him. my hubby for instance told me that he'd pull out his card/cash to pay and not expect the girl to try to pay but any who did, he thought they were trying to make some kind of point and was kind of disappointed. some were outright insistent and it meant something to them. i never pay and don't even try (he said later this was a good sign to him, and I've heard this from others too). Unless they make subtle or not so subtle hints about the place being "expensive" "pricey" or the like, then i pay and don't make a big deal, but then it colors the relationship going forward for me. kind of like hubby said it colored it for him when these girls attempted or insisted on paying for themselves. everyone feels so different about this it's hard to talk through. it's awkward. you kind of just have to see what the other person does, don't make a big deal about it, but just decide for yourself if that's what you like. and then many months or years later have the talk we did if you're still together. lol. OR you could ask him tomorrow or on the next date, if it made him feel awkward when you offered to pay? he might say no that's fine and you have your answer you two have different values. or he might say yeah that was a big slap in the face, or did you think i'd ask you out if i couldn't afford it, or were my pants messed up what made you think i couldnt' afford a simple dinner, or any number of things i've heard when misreading that situation. good luck. dating's messy. glad i'm married. lol.

ajball90

I think whoever asks the other to go on a date should be the one to pay.

1234terri

who asked who out? That person should pay.

susheetush

That's a good point because on a date, everything is judged, isn't it? So to one person, wanting to go dutch is a no-no, while to another, it's something they would want (like me).

My boyfriend and I have in fact talked about it and he thought it was weird that I insisted on paying my own way on our first date. But he took it in his stride and was a little amused by it. He also knows that when he pays for me now when we do our date nights, that it's not my preference so I feel like he's spoiling me. Which he thinks is quaint. Especially when his previous girlfriend expected him to pay for everything all the time.

aquasw16

If he asked you out, he should pay.

redraidergirl2009

scab. Drop him.

Kmanouchehri90

Whoever invites should pay. If he asked you out, he should have paid. If you asked him, you were right in paying. If someone invited me out but made me pay for the meal there wouldn't be a second date.

Now in a serious relationship/marriage, however, you should figure out something that both partners agree on. Maybe it is 50/50, maybe it is more traditional, whatever works!

brevislux

I think you should share the bill. But, if the guy really wants to pay then I'd let him do it, because it's really not worth making a scene over something so silly. I just say I want to split the bill and tell the guy I wouldn't like him to pay for me.

whierd

I am rather traditional when it comes to dating, so I go in expecting to pay. If the girl says she is ok with paying her share when the check comes, I will ask her to spare my fragile man ego and let me pay, or challenge her to rock paper scissors. If she wins, I leave a very nice tip for the server.

ron2e

i think a guy should pay, as it helps offset the cost of being a woman.

i mean, the cost of make-up, hair cuts, high heels, lingerie, waxing....

What about the guy's costs - beer, beer and more beer? You don't think we naturally look this way do you?

ron2e

I don't know, I'm not in the dating market any more, but when I was, I always paid, opened the door for the girl, etc, etc, but then I'm old fashioned and girls were expecting this sort of treatment at the time. Nowadays women have, in theory if not always in practice, equality with men so maybe that changes things. After all if a male friend says "fancy meeting up at the pub tonight", I don't expect him to pay. Just throwing it out there.

clioandboy

This is 2013 right????????

Pookylou

On the first date with my current partner he wouldn't let me pay for anything (he asked me out), so he bought cinema tickets and dinner. I tried to pay, and made it clear I'd pay for the second date. Now we are more serious we kinda just alternate who pays/splitting the bill.

Stormchasegrl

thanks for the input so far.

to answer your question: when the bill came he got out his card and then i paused and dug for mine and then put it down. im just so used to the guy saying, "oh, no i got this" that i was surprised he didnt say or do anything. if he was going to be old fashioned and open the door for me, then he should pay for the date too, right?

it just feels like so many guys are halfassing it and chivalry is dead these days. in the grand scheme of things its not that big of a deal. but i felt cheapened thats all.

1) I LOVE your pic!
2) IMO, It always seems to depend on feel. That part is always awkward nowadays. It's great to sit back and have him just "be the man," but he expects a contribution more and more.
3) Despite that, I believe that if you believe the typical gender roles of a man to "man up and be a man" (even if you woman up and work too!), he should shell out on the 1st date (especially if he asked you.)
3a) If you asked him, you offer a little bit more than #3

Again, just my view.

silverainn

People don't really "date" where I live, but I'd never expect someone else to pay for me. When I lived in the UK before, I had a friend who worked out of town a lot and liked to go out for dinner at nice restaurants with me when he was home.. he always insisted on paying (he made about 3x what I did), but I was always really uncomfortable with it.

Ascolti_la_musica

The person who extends the invitation should pay. This is true of friends, family, AND dates.