going dutch on a first date
Replies
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Call me old fashioned, but on the first date, I think the man should pay. Future dates, it can be spilt or I can pay, etc, etc.
But if I pay for the first date, it's not likely he will get a second from me.0 -
I totally expected my (now) husband to put out on our first date...so I paid :bigsmile:
I think in this day and age its perfectly reasonable to split the bill on a first date. If you want to know where the person stands on the issue, then when they ask you out, ask them where they were thinking about going because you are on a budget and see what they say, that will tell you if they are planning to pay the entire bill or not.0 -
That's just my opinion though and I know many would disagree but I don't ask someone to go out to dinner/coffee with me unless I plan on affording our entire bill. I just believe it's polite to pick up the check when you're doing the asking.
I'm the same way. If I ask a friend or my sister or brother or whomever to meet me for lunch, I will pay. The only exception is if it's a regular thing where you're not really inviting someone, it's just expected that they will be there because they always are (happy hour would fall into this category). I just think inviting someone to do something with you (and we're talking something casual like a meal or drinks, not a ski trip) and expecting them to pay is about as rude as hosting a party and charging your friends a fee to attend. (I actually had a friend do that once ... she sent out invitations requesting that everyone chip in $10 to pay for the booze. Um, no. If you can't afford to a host a party, then don't.)0 -
I think ALL of us should meet up and get drunk.
...pay for our own drinks tho of course0 -
"Since the dawn of time, there have been women who used men like ATM machines"
Some lunatics would call that "justice".0 -
No.
This gets me sh1t with the feministy types....of which I am one. But hair, clothes, shoes, makeup....the list goes on and on. These are all things I'm expected to pay for. Most men I know had their parents paying for their clothes up until college and own 3 or 4 pairs of shoes. I think that if I'm expected to dress up to go out on dates or to the bar and I have to pay for all that sh1t, then it's not too crazy to have a few of my drinks paid for or my meal.
And I'm not going to be a b1tch. If you can't afford my rum and coke or my $7-10 meal, we probably shouldn't be dating. No scrubs.
But it's funny how the gender norm I agree with is the one where I get free sh1t. Very rarely do gender norms swing towards the ladies.
umm no!
I'm expected to have a nice car, shoes and clothing too you know! Also, what kind of man takes you for a 7-10$ meal lol The dates I have been on have always cost me 60-100$ for dinner...
I don't know who you've been dating. Maybe I'm don't ask for enough! I should be ordering lobster!
And how nice is your car, E? Huh? :smokin:0 -
This gets me sh1t with the feministy types....of which I am one. But hair, clothes, shoes, makeup....the list goes on and on. These are all things I'm expected to pay for. Most men I know had their parents paying for their clothes up until college and own 3 or 4 pairs of shoes. I think that if I'm expected to dress up to go out on dates or to the bar and I have to pay for all that sh1t, then it's not too crazy to have a few of my drinks paid for or my meal.
lol wtf?! Guys pay just as much for the necessities of daily life. This is some crazy irrelevant logic. I pay quite a bit for my clothing. The guy is expected to have a nice car, home, etc as well. and $10 meal and "a" drink?! Every date I've ever been on has been $100+ if a meal is included, $50+ if just drinks. Hell, just a few drinks each is easily $100+
Anyways, the guy should always pay the first couple dates. Always. After that, split or pay every other date.0 -
Whoever asks for the date should pay. It is always nice if the other person offers to pay (all or their portion) but I don't expect it.0
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Going Dutch is fine by me, but it should be established well before you go on the first date. I wouldn't appreciate being surprised by it, but if it's already agreed upon, it's fine.0
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I pay if I asked her out, but I would be open if she wanted to kick in some cash.0
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I am gobsmacked that we've gone 6 pages and no one has thrown a huge rant about racism against Dutch people. :-D
I do think the person who does the inviting should pay for the date, unless the invitation was specifically for some other arrangement. Now that I am married, whoever happens to have the most cushion in their checking account buys when we go out. I'm sure we aren't the only couple that does things that way.
Women are supposed to be able to ask men out on dates, too, in which case they should pay. I mean, what year is this?0 -
For the record, I think the guy should pay. Definitely! The problem is, we men have NO idea when its okay to be chilvalrous??? Honestly, I think it goes back to the old adage: men will never figure women out. I love being married to a southern bell because she thinks chilvalry is great! IT's not dead...nor should it ever be.
However, I have seen several posts on MFP where women on here FREAK OUT if you even suggest there should be differences in what guys and girls do.
With that said, I asked my 17 year old son the other day why he wasn't going on many dates. His response: "I'm NOT paying for someone elses future wife" lol...awesome!
...of course I had to set him straight.0 -
I guess I'm just confused as to why a man would ask a woman out if he didn't want to pay. Is this a result of the online dating craze? You're essentially going out with total strangers all the time, and you don't want to drop $100 two or three times a week on women you will probably never see again?
If that's the case, be more selective about who you ask out on a DATE. Start with doing something together that doesn't cost anything. Or at most invite her to have a drink with you, and then you're out maybe $10 and 20 minutes if it doesn't go well. I don't think anyone here is suggesting that a man is required to ask a virtual stranger to a fancy, expensive dinner for a first date.
But I know from my own dating experience that if a man asks you to have dinner with him and expects you to offer to pay (at a restaurant HE chose, no less), he doesn't like you all that much. If he did, he would keep his monetary concerns under his hat. No real man wants a woman he's trying to impress to think he can't pay for dinner. And if he's not trying to impress you, he doesn't like you. It's biology.
And men, if you suspect you're dating a woman who is a gold-digger, well, no one is holding a gun to your head.0 -
This gets me sh1t with the feministy types....of which I am one. But hair, clothes, shoes, makeup....the list goes on and on. These are all things I'm expected to pay for. Most men I know had their parents paying for their clothes up until college and own 3 or 4 pairs of shoes. I think that if I'm expected to dress up to go out on dates or to the bar and I have to pay for all that sh1t, then it's not too crazy to have a few of my drinks paid for or my meal.
And I'm not going to be a b1tch. If you can't afford my rum and coke or my $7-10 meal, we probably shouldn't be dating. No scrubs.
But it's funny how the gender norm I agree with is the one where I get free sh1t. Very rarely do gender norms swing towards the ladies.
This might be the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. Congratulations.
OP- Don't whip out your card as a "gesture" if you are going to be offended when he accepts the offer.0 -
I guess I'm just confused as to why a man would ask a woman out if he didn't want to pay. Is this a result of the online dating craze? You're essentially going out with total strangers all the time, and you don't want to drop $100 two or three times a week on women you will probably never see again?
If that's the case, be more selective about who you ask out on a DATE. Start with doing something together that doesn't cost anything. Or at most invite her to have a drink with you, and then you're out maybe $10 and 20 minutes if it doesn't go well. I don't think anyone here is suggesting that a man is required to ask a virtual stranger to a fancy, expensive dinner for a first date.
But I know from my own dating experience that if a man asks you to have dinner with him and expects you to offer to pay (at a restaurant HE chose, no less), he doesn't like you all that much. If he did, he would keep his monetary concerns under his hat. No real man wants a woman he's trying to impress to think he can't pay for dinner. And if he's not trying to impress you, he doesn't like you. It's biology.
And men, if you suspect you're dating a woman who is a gold-digger, well, no one is holding a gun to your head.
:flowerforyou:0 -
I just think inviting someone to do something with you (and we're talking something casual like a meal or drinks, not a ski trip) and expecting them to pay is about as rude as hosting a party and charging your friends a fee to attend. (I actually had a friend do that once ... she sent out invitations requesting that everyone chip in $10 to pay for the booze. Um, no. If you can't afford to a host a party, then don't.)
Slightly off topic, but does that mean alcohol is generally provided for at parties? The idea is alien to me!0 -
I haven't dated in a long time, but no I wouldn't rule out a man who accepted my offer to pay for dinner.0
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I just think inviting someone to do something with you (and we're talking something casual like a meal or drinks, not a ski trip) and expecting them to pay is about as rude as hosting a party and charging your friends a fee to attend. (I actually had a friend do that once ... she sent out invitations requesting that everyone chip in $10 to pay for the booze. Um, no. If you can't afford to a host a party, then don't.)
Slightly off topic, but does that mean alcohol is generally provided for at parties? The idea is alien to me!
This was a New Year's Eve party, and it wasn't even a regular, close-friends-only type of thing where one person/couple hosts, but everyone pitches in by bringing food, booze, etc. I was just floored that instead of putting something like "bring your favorite liquor," she actually asked for cash. That's just tacky. Entertaining, like dating, costs money. It just does. If you can't afford to do it without demanding that your guests pitch in, then stop.
To get it back on track, people talk about the "fairness" of men being expected to pay for dates when women want to be "equal." What does expecting a man who asks me out to pay for dinner have to do with my right to vote or own property or earn equal pay for equal work? There are multiple segments of society; legal, professional, and social are all different, but even in the professional world, if you want someone's business and you ask them to lunch or dinner so you can make your pitch to them, do you expect them to pay? Hell no you don't, and they would consider it an insult if you allowed them to. So why do you expect a woman to pay when you ask her out, ostensibly for the purpose of determining whether or not there is potential for a long-term relationship?
As for the prostitution argument, I think even a 4th grader knows that dating and sex are two different things, even in 2013.0 -
I guess I'm just confused as to why a man would ask a woman out if he didn't want to pay. Is this a result of the online dating craze? You're essentially going out with total strangers all the time, and you don't want to drop $100 two or three times a week on women you will probably never see again?
If that's the case, be more selective about who you ask out on a DATE. Start with doing something together that doesn't cost anything. Or at most invite her to have a drink with you, and then you're out maybe $10 and 20 minutes if it doesn't go well. I don't think anyone here is suggesting that a man is required to ask a virtual stranger to a fancy, expensive dinner for a first date.
But I know from my own dating experience that if a man asks you to have dinner with him and expects you to offer to pay (at a restaurant HE chose, no less), he doesn't like you all that much. If he did, he would keep his monetary concerns under his hat. No real man wants a woman he's trying to impress to think he can't pay for dinner. And if he's not trying to impress you, he doesn't like you. It's biology.
And men, if you suspect you're dating a woman who is a gold-digger, well, no one is holding a gun to your head.
So you want the expensive free dinner the second date? Nice.0 -
I don't think 'chivalry' and paying for dinner are in any way connected. Politeness and manners cost nothing, remember?
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I don't think 'chivalry' and paying for dinner are in any way connected. Politeness and manners cost nothing, remember?
GET YOUR WELL THOUGHT OUT LOGIC AND LEAVE THIS THREAD GOOD SIR!0 -
A woman who will only spend time with you if you pay. Hmm, there's a word for that. It escapes me at the moment.0 -
I agree with what the Norwegian and Icelandic ladies have said.
Sometimes, when a guy pays he expects things in return, eg kiss, second date, sex etc.
Some guys think it's more "manly" to always pay.
Some guys think men should always pay no matter what.
The thing is, being open minded about situations like this is the best way to go. Why not have this discussion with your date at the dinner table and sort it out there and then? And no, it shouldn't be too awkward because the topic will come up sooner or later and that will make it even more awkward. If you like each other enough then this should be something you can talk about and eventually come to an agreement.
For example, I might say "I was on a fitness website the other day and a woman posted a topic about who should pay for dinner. I think that .... what do you think?"0 -
The polite thing to do is to pay for the date if you asked him out and allow him to pay if he asked you out.
But this is all about your expectations, as far as gender roles are concerned. Frankly, I appreciate and respect traditional gender roles because I think they are based on our biological tendencies. Women and men are equal in the workplace and in the eyes of the law, but socially, we are very, very different creatures. One is not better or worse than the other; we're just different, which, by definition, means we are not equal. I think romantic relationships are more harmonious when men and women fill complementary roles, rather than the woman trying to take on more of the male responsibilities to prove she's on the same level, or a man trying to control his chivalrous impulses so the woman doesn't think he's being sexist. At some point, you're going to come to resent each other over the fact that you can't just be who you are.
Since the dawn of time, there have been women who used men like ATM machines, so I am not suggesting that this doesn't happen; what I am suggesting is that, as a man, you should be able to tell the difference between a woman like that and a woman who believes that a grown man who is interested enough to ask her out actually WANTS to buy her dinner. For example, I am well-educated, have a great job, have my own place, my own car, pay my own bills. I am clearly not a gold-digger; I am the epitome of the "independent" woman. But I'm also not going to offer to pay for a dinner that YOU invited me to share with you. If you expect me to and are going to make judgments about my character based on the fact that I didn't, then it's best that we don't see each other again because we are not going to get along well.
You rock, lady!!
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I guess I'm just confused as to why a man would ask a woman out if he didn't want to pay. Is this a result of the online dating craze? You're essentially going out with total strangers all the time, and you don't want to drop $100 two or three times a week on women you will probably never see again?
If that's the case, be more selective about who you ask out on a DATE. Start with doing something together that doesn't cost anything. Or at most invite her to have a drink with you, and then you're out maybe $10 and 20 minutes if it doesn't go well. I don't think anyone here is suggesting that a man is required to ask a virtual stranger to a fancy, expensive dinner for a first date.
But I know from my own dating experience that if a man asks you to have dinner with him and expects you to offer to pay (at a restaurant HE chose, no less), he doesn't like you all that much. If he did, he would keep his monetary concerns under his hat. No real man wants a woman he's trying to impress to think he can't pay for dinner. And if he's not trying to impress you, he doesn't like you. It's biology.
And men, if you suspect you're dating a woman who is a gold-digger, well, no one is holding a gun to your head.
Totally agree!! 0 -
I would NEVER wear wood shoes on a first date0
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I would NEVER wear wood shoes on a first date
Why?
It might work...0 -
I think if he asked you out then he should pay, but if he said something along the lines of "I'm heading to such and such for drinks with some friends, do you want to come?" It could be more or less assumed that you're paying for yourself.0
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This thread makes me glad that I don't date.0
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This thread makes me glad that I don't date.
I'd buy for you in a heartbeat. As long as it was happy hour and $1 beers...0
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