going dutch on a first date
Replies
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In a long term relationship (or friendship), if people want to split costs based on how much each person makes, that's reasonable to me. So is an occasional treat of one person taking the other person out and paying for everything. But it shouldn't be an expectation, and it shouldn't be one-sided.
In a new relationship or dating situation, it's very uncomfortable. Having the expectation that someone I don't really know should pay for me makes me feel I don't respect myself as an independent and capable individual. It feels parental to me, or creates subtle expectations that set the tone for the relationship as something other than an equal partnership. I don't need to be "taken care of".. if I am with someone it is because I enjoy their company, but it doesn't change my own responsibilities for myself. I honestly don't understand why having a door held open for me or a meal paid for should make me feel special.. it seems so arbitrary and superficial. There are other ways of showing real respect, like honesty and accountability and dedication, that are much more meaningful.
This!0 -
If the intention was a date, I think he should have paid. Friends go dutch.
However if I ever as a girl friend out for a meal or drinks I ALWAYS offer to pay.0 -
I would always offer to pay half(I'm a women) no matter who did the inviting. I think it's just basic manners.0
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if he asked you out on the date then he should pay, imo.
I've been asked out before by women, yet still expected to pay. I don't think this should be an automatic reason not to go dutch. But I always pay the first date so meh.
Whoever initiated the date should pay. If she asked you out, she should pay. It's a bit lame to ask someone to go out with you, then sit back and give him the honor of paying for you.
After the first date, taking turns paying or going dutch seems fair to me.0 -
unfortunately i think chivalry is dead.
Chivalry is not dead, and it should not be a one-way street. I am respectful and loving to my boyfriend of 7 years, and he is the same to me. Why this is complex or political to some perplexes me.0 -
I suppose, were I single I might offer to pay the full bill if I took someone out, but I wouldn't ask them out again, Id be expecting for them to offer to go Dutch - this is 2013.
I find the notion of a woman expecting the man to pay somewhat pathetic and I tend to be attracted to independent women.0 -
Going dutch on a first date sounds perfectly reasonable to me.0
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IME, on a good first date, he's paid. But in those cases, he offered, I accepted graciously. In all cases, I was the broke one, so maybe that came into play too.
ETA: I always bring money with me on a first date and am prepare to pay my way. We've also split it where one person gets, for example, mini gold, and the other pays for ice cream after.0 -
I always offer to pay but if he accepts it on a first date then he's probably going to the friend zone.
I used to not be strict about this and, consequently, I always ended up with guys who were never chivalrous and never treated me to anything because I didn't hold them to that standard in the beginning.
This said, I'm no gold digger. Walks in the park, museums, window shopping and strolling are all free dates.0 -
I always offer to pay when I was single. My first date with my husband I offered and he politely declined, I offered to pay the tip and he said he'd get that as well. I thought I should have paid since I suggested that we go to that restaurant... but oh well... He's such a sweet guy :-)0
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A woman who will only spend time with you if you pay. Hmm, there's a word for that. It escapes me at the moment.0
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I cant afford to date
so I stay single
That got me so sad but i still laughed 0 -
A woman who will only spend time with you if you pay. Hmm, there's a word for that. It escapes me at the moment.
It's on the tip of my tongue...hmmm hmmm.
For me...I think it depends. But for me, I'd take turns each time going out. Or maybe depending upon what the date involves. If he offers to pay for food, I'd offer to pay for tip, or something else along the date. I'm just prepared to pay at any minute.0 -
The polite thing to do is to pay for the date if you asked him out and allow him to pay if he asked you out.
But this is all about your expectations, as far as gender roles are concerned. Frankly, I appreciate and respect traditional gender roles because I think they are based on our biological tendencies. Women and men are equal in the workplace and in the eyes of the law, but socially, we are very, very different creatures. One is not better or worse than the other; we're just different, which, by definition, means we are not equal. I think romantic relationships are more harmonious when men and women fill complementary roles, rather than the woman trying to take on more of the male responsibilities to prove she's on the same level, or a man trying to control his chivalrous impulses so the woman doesn't think he's being sexist. At some point, you're going to come to resent each other over the fact that you can't just be who you are.
Since the dawn of time, there have been women who used men like ATM machines, so I am not suggesting that this doesn't happen; what I am suggesting is that, as a man, you should be able to tell the difference between a woman like that and a woman who believes that a grown man who is interested enough to ask her out actually WANTS to buy her dinner. For example, I am well-educated, have a great job, have my own place, my own car, pay my own bills. I am clearly not a gold-digger; I am the epitome of the "independent" woman. But I'm also not going to offer to pay for a dinner that YOU invited me to share with you. If you expect me to and are going to make judgments about my character based on the fact that I didn't, then it's best that we don't see each other again because we are not going to get along well.0 -
I think a man should pay- but I havn't dated since 1998 - so maybe things have changed...0
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A woman who will only spend time with you if you pay. Hmm, there's a word for that. It escapes me at the moment.
It's on the tip of my tongue...hmmm hmmm.
For me...I think it depends. But for me, I'd take turns each time going out. Or maybe depending upon what the date involves. If he offers to pay for food, I'd offer to pay for tip, or something else along the date. I'm just prepared to pay at any minute.
How YOU doin'?????? LOL0 -
I think it depends on who asked who.0
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The person who asked should offer to pay the bill in full, no matter their gender. This also applies to platonic friendships - if you ask someone to go with you somewhere then it's implied that you're also offering to pay (unless of course you have along standing history of doing things differently). That's just my opinion though and I know many would disagree but I don't ask someone to go out to dinner/coffee with me unless I plan on affording our entire bill. I just believe it's polite to pick up the check when you're doing the asking.0
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The person who asked should offer to pay the bill in full, no matter their gender. This also applies to platonic friendships - if you ask someone to go with you somewhere then it's implied that you're also offering to pay (unless of course you have along standing history of doing things differently). That's just my opinion though and I know many would disagree but I don't ask someone to go out to dinner/coffee with me unless I plan on affording our entire bill. I just believe it's polite to pick up the check when you're doing the asking.
Yikes, I don't agree. If I ask one of my girlfriends to meet me for cocktails, I don't think either of us is expecting I'm going to pay the tab. Does this actually happen to people? That would make happy hour a nightmare....0 -
If you want a guy that pays, then don't stay with him. He has an equal right to want a girl to go dutch. There is no rule.0
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lol@ responses
I like the camps of women responding:
1) The women who think all men should always pay (even though it is 2013)
2) The camp that think men should pay, but hide their response behind the following logic:
- "The person WHO OFFERED should pay", good thing MEN are responsible to initiate and ask out the women, amirite?
3) The camp of women, who realize it is 2013, and men OR the woman can pay, or split the bill.0 -
No.
This gets me sh1t with the feministy types....of which I am one. But hair, clothes, shoes, makeup....the list goes on and on. These are all things I'm expected to pay for. Most men I know had their parents paying for their clothes up until college and own 3 or 4 pairs of shoes. I think that if I'm expected to dress up to go out on dates or to the bar and I have to pay for all that sh1t, then it's not too crazy to have a few of my drinks paid for or my meal.
And I'm not going to be a b1tch. If you can't afford my rum and coke or my $7-10 meal, we probably shouldn't be dating. No scrubs.
But it's funny how the gender norm I agree with is the one where I get free sh1t. Very rarely do gender norms swing towards the ladies.0 -
This gets me sh1t with the feministy types....of which I am one. But hair, clothes, shoes, makeup....the list goes on and on. These are all things I'm expected to pay for. Most men I know had their parents paying for their clothes up until college and own 3 or 4 pairs of shoes.
Lol, notsureifsrs0 -
Screw this. Let's just dine and dash ladies. Who's in?0
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Why not pay for what you use... (or in this case eat)0
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The person who asked should offer to pay the bill in full, no matter their gender. This also applies to platonic friendships - if you ask someone to go with you somewhere then it's implied that you're also offering to pay (unless of course you have along standing history of doing things differently). That's just my opinion though and I know many would disagree but I don't ask someone to go out to dinner/coffee with me unless I plan on affording our entire bill. I just believe it's polite to pick up the check when you're doing the asking.
Yikes, I don't agree. If I ask one of my girlfriends to meet me for cocktails, I don't think either of us is expecting I'm going to pay the tab. Does this actually happen to people? That would make happy hour a nightmare....
Groups are a bit different than meeting one on one. Like I said, if you have a history with a friend of going dutch for drinks/dinner/coffee then what I said does not apply. And obviously if couples are going out together I would say that dutch treat is implied regardless of who is asking unless it's a special occassion and you say, "Can we take you/you two out to dinner for your birthday?"0 -
yupI think whoever asks the other to go on a date should be the one to pay.0 -
This gets me sh1t with the feministy types....of which I am one. But hair, clothes, shoes, makeup....the list goes on and on. These are all things I'm expected to pay for. Most men I know had their parents paying for their clothes up until college and own 3 or 4 pairs of shoes.
Lol, notsureifsrs
Srs0 -
No.
This gets me sh1t with the feministy types....of which I am one. But hair, clothes, shoes, makeup....the list goes on and on. These are all things I'm expected to pay for. Most men I know had their parents paying for their clothes up until college and own 3 or 4 pairs of shoes. I think that if I'm expected to dress up to go out on dates or to the bar and I have to pay for all that sh1t, then it's not too crazy to have a few of my drinks paid for or my meal.
And I'm not going to be a b1tch. If you can't afford my rum and coke or my $7-10 meal, we probably shouldn't be dating. No scrubs.
But it's funny how the gender norm I agree with is the one where I get free sh1t. Very rarely do gender norms swing towards the ladies.
umm no!
I'm expected to have a nice car, shoes and clothing too you know! Also, what kind of man takes you for a 7-10$ meal lol The dates I have been on have always cost me 60-100$ for dinner...0 -
Every one pays in the end lol0
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