How to tell her she's gaining weight...

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  • valeriebpdx
    valeriebpdx Posts: 499 Member
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    While I disagree with the previous poster saying you only date stupid women, if this has happened multiple times (your gf blaming you for her weight gain) you do seem to be dating a lot of women who don't hold themselves accountable. I would say you should focus on dating women with stronger backbones.

    I'm a little confused her ladies. I'm commenting on thread about experiences about weight gain yet we keep drifting back to the blame in someway being mine, this time the implication is due to my choices of women? Can't we keep it on the subject of weight gain rather than those who I date and what I should do?!

    Matt, I really don't understand why people are on your *kitten*. What you said in your original post is valid. I have never blamed anyone else (e.g. my husband saying something or failing to do so) for my weight gain or the weight staying on, but there is certainly a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" quality to this topic in a relationship. What you said about the deadly cascade of the heavier partner losing self-confidence, then it affecting sex and the general quality of the relationship is spot on, in my opinion. You can never un-know that your partner is less attracted to you, and that's tough to take. I admire women who can take that information with equanimity, use it to inspire change, and then happily share their hard new body with the man who told them they had gotten so fat it affected how he felt about her, but for me, that information is always going to leave a scar, regardless of whether it's couched in more acceptable "I'm worried about your health" language.
  • mushroomcup
    mushroomcup Posts: 145 Member
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    IMO if Im puttin in work to look good for you, I expect the same in return. I'm not saying you have to all gung ho in the gym 5x a week, and super anal about your diet. But a little effort to maintain your figure is appreciated. Keeping yourself in physical shape is like keeping your relationship in shape. It takes work and maintenance. And in many ways keeps the spark alive. Letting yourself go is unattractive.

    Agreed. I would be upset if my SO waited until he found me unattractive before saying anything about it. I want him to think I look good and I expect a similar effort in return.
  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
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    tell her she has something on her chin... no, the other chin.
  • msacurrie
    msacurrie Posts: 144 Member
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    Instead of outwardly saying it - why not just ask her to join you for your daily exercise? :)
  • onedayillbeamilf
    onedayillbeamilf Posts: 966 Member
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    I think if she's too stupid to know already, you need a new lady.

    If you're too stupid to know she knows, she needs a new man.
  • MiCool90
    MiCool90 Posts: 460 Member
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    I am sure this has been said before but take the initiative and make time for both of you to do active things, cook her healthy meals, start her on the path and I bet she follows.
  • BethanyTL
    BethanyTL Posts: 39
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    Quote:
    "oh lol. This is going to be good. It's all about the approach. I never get on my husband about his weight. I started working out myself, and he began making comments about my losing weight and he should start working out again like I was. I told him that I love him the way he is and if he wanted to join me, we could work out together. So far he has not done it, but I am feeling better about myself and my weight now, which is a big plus, and he is getting more motivated the better I look because he keeps saying one day he will have to protect his territory better from other guys. Lol.

    In my experience, weight is a very touchy subject and leads to fights"


    Unquote :wink:

    I TOTALLY agree with this, my boyfriend is a lot more overweight than me and struggles with health issues becuase of it. I started doing things for my own health/weightloss and he started saying "I've got to do something about my weight/health" all the time, I only said that he is a responisble man and I trust he will do something. Two days after I found MFP he stared using it and is more faithful than I am. I didn't need to do anything but let him see that I could make better choices :smile:
  • chubbygirl253
    chubbygirl253 Posts: 1,309 Member
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    Only if you would like to completely give up sex and never see her naked again.

    For real!
  • chubbygirl253
    chubbygirl253 Posts: 1,309 Member
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    tell her she has something on her chin... no, the other chin.

    LMAO!
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
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    My gynecologist who was a man mentioned my weight in April and advised I should lose weight for my future child and make him/her my motivation. If it was my husband I dunno if it would help me to improve my life if he comes out and says I need to lose weight. Maybe invite her along when you workout and encourage her to get on MFP. Just approach her lightly about it.
  • amersmanders
    amersmanders Posts: 118 Member
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    I go back to this: be straightforward, but kind. Show you care by doing something about it- cook together, do something active together. If she doesn't want to hear what you're saying, and lashes out at you- accept that your message might hurt her feelings, and give her some time to work through it. If she can't work through it, and is in denial, then there's not much you can do for her until she's ready to own it herself, and do something about it for herself.

    Seriously though, be straightforward, but kind.
  • MMMendoza007
    MMMendoza007 Posts: 157 Member
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    Almost a month ago, I began to get myself under control. I'd lost about 115 pounds five years ago. But in recent years, I gained back about 50.

    I saw that I was messing up and began to work hard. My first week in, I was telling my fiance how discouraged I was for letting myself gain what I did. In the course of the conversation, he said, "You have to admit, you let yourself go."

    I was crushed. I cried the whole rest of the day. It was great for my diet, I couldn't eat a thing.

    It wasn't that I didn't agree with him. I did. He spoke the truth. But it was the delivery. And it was particularly upsetting because I was in my first week in and trying so hard.

    Unfortunately for him, we had IN DEPTH conversations about what happened until I felt he truly understood.

    I'm of two minds about anyone delivering the message that they think their partner has gained weight. On the one hand, I know that no one could get me to lose weight except for finding the determination and resolve within myself. Period. I've been bribed and threatened, guilted and begged. All that did was build resentment and hurt me that I wasn't good enough as I was. Nothing could get me to make the move except finding the strength within.

    On the other hand, I don't think it's fair to enter into a relationship as one person, then become something totally different. It's kind of like false advertising.

    I don't think, though, that it's necessary to tell a woman that she's gaining. You can pretty much bet that she's accutely aware and feeling pretty crappy about it.
  • markwako
    markwako Posts: 5
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    Buy a tuba, and play a note every time she takes a step. She'll get the point.

    Bahahaha I about spit my water all over the keyboard. Oh my...
    [/quote

    Omg. I'm reading this and literally laughing my *kitten* off and everybody's looking like wtf
  • cblevitron
    cblevitron Posts: 243
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    The first time my boyfriend mentioned I gained weight, his approach was terrible and it didn't really end well. We were in the hospital with my son, and as I was tending to him my boyfriend goes, "You should start working out."

    However, since then, he very delicately acknowledges I am not the same weight as when we began dating. It's all in the approach, I think. No doubt it'll hurt her feelings, though.
  • relly1008
    relly1008 Posts: 175 Member
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    Don't say a word!!!
  • victoria4321
    victoria4321 Posts: 1,719 Member
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    She may know but she probably doesn't think you care. I would tell her and be honest. Unless you'd rather wait until 5lbs becomes 50 and you no longer find her attractive.

    I also think this goes the other way if a man is gaining as well. I've told past BFs they were putting on weight and worked out with them, cooked healthier, etc etc. If you're going to address the problem you have to be willing to help out too.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
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    DON'T SAY ANYTHING!!
  • markwako
    markwako Posts: 5
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    By the way, an ex-boyfriend once said to me of my weight loss, "Well done! Just a few more lbs and you'll look good." I lost 170lbs the very next day - by dumping him.


    Lmao
  • mminor77
    mminor77 Posts: 313
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    WARNING: If you say she's getting chunky expect that she will come at you like a spider monkey and there will be blood shed.

    That being said... play it safe and just tell her that you want to get healthy yourself but don't want to do it alone. It will go over much better.
  • LesIsMoreXX
    LesIsMoreXX Posts: 169
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    I wouldn't recommend this to anybody.

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