My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(
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Im having similar issues 8yrs with the same man I was 100 pounds thinner when I met him. We had a tumultous few years with him and the law and the stress made me gain and my pregnancy made me gain and depression made me gain cause I sought comfort in food. He was never dissapointed I gained hes 21yrs older than me and I think it made him feel comfortable as he aged. Ive lost 30 pounds so far and hes pretty much gone ape on me saying hes nothing but a paycheck to me I spend his money on tanning and going to the gym I spend $20 at freaking planet fitness for a gym pass that includes tanning last I knew his paycheck was 1000% more than that so the fact that .02% of his income if that goes to a gym pass in a sin it has caused great arguements he tells me Im becoming someone Im not that I just hate him. I dont hate him Im in it for the long haul but I want to be a healthy and active part of our family.0
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Besides there are better and allot more fun ways a couple can do to exercise....0
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I was creeping your pics on your page. Your fiancé is insane. He's probably gay as well.
You're a smokin' hot blonde. I'd be all over you like Oprah on a cupcake.
lmao...listen to this guy ^^^ he is right !!
What is 20lbs seriously? I gained 50 lbs in a few months time
What is 20 lbs? 20 lbs is the gateway to 50. She admits that she gained the weight from stress because food cheers her up. Her profile even says she gained the weight out of general laziness! So let's stop pretending it's just a fact of life. It isn't.
It's not about the weight or her size or her appearance. It's her attitude about life and how she deals with the unpleasant things EVERYONE goes through. She has a problem, and her fiancé is just being honest with her. I said in my previous post that he could definitely be more sensitive about pointing out that she needs to make some changes, but he IS right. She gained weight because of her own choices, and he is entitled to call her out on it.
I think you're missing the point of it all. We're not telling her he is an *kitten* for not liking he anymore. First of all: the way he put it was totally ignorant and insensitive. Her fiancé did not make it about her not being active with him, he made it about her appearance. If he would have told her "I miss being active with you", it would be a different story. But he lacks tact and sensitivity, it is more than just her weight. If her being lazy gets in the way of the relationship, alright, fair enough, understandable. I wouldn't blame him for that. But again, he doesn't fancy her anymore because she put on 20 lbs. and guess what, she was the same size when they met, he liked her then. Who really changed?0 -
Some of you dummies are not gettin it. She wasn't active and fit when she met him! She was the same size she is now. Whether it was through manipulation or not, she started getting active with him and now her life changed, she went back to her old habits. Why could he accept that when they first met but not now? Because he feels like she needs to live off of his ridiculous expectations. I also wonder what this boy looks like...
So you think he should accept her slipping back into a life of being unfit and inactive??? Shoot the guy for trying to improve her quality of life lol I will say though it sounds like the OP has an unhealthy relationship with food. Skipping meals to stay skinny then over eating to be happy, both are equally bad.
Umm. No.
He's not trying to improve her quality of life, he is trying to get her to be interested in the things he's interested in so she can fit the molds he wants her to fit in.
When I got to my highest weight, while my fiance still found me beautiful and sexy, he was concerned for my health. I have a hip condition that is indirectly linked to my weight; the more weight on it, the more it hurts. He told me he couldn't stay with me when I was lazy and unconcerned for myself but was always complaining about my hip, and that if I couldn't change my lifestyle he couldn't remain part of my life.
The difference between MY fiance and the OP's is that MINE sat me down and spoke with me in a gentle, unaccusatory tone. He assured me that he thinks I am perfect, I look perfect, and he adores me, but he is concerned for my HEALTH, not my appearance.
THAT is trying to improve my quality of life. Know the difference.0 -
I think you really missed it.
She stated that she grew into HIS exercise routine. She was not that way from the beginning. It seems like he was already manipulating her to change FOR HIM, from the start. And now she is not adhering to his plan, and HE doesn't like it. That is why HE is a jerk.
They really should break up and allow him to find someone who isn't the kind of person who pretends to be someone she isn't for five years. That's five YEARS of her being dishonest with someone she claims to love. One could even say she took five years away from him where he could have found someone who was legitimately more compatible with him and not pretending.
I don't think I would like it either. I'd probably be a jerk to someone who lied to me for five years and only pretended to be the active person. But that's just me. She shouldn't have been so dishonest for so many years.
See what I did there?
Your responses are really getting under my skin because they are showing your lack of reading comprehension. She wasn't lying to him/being dishonest for FIVE YEARS. She wasn't exercising/eating well when they met. She gradually started doing those things as they were together. He KNEW she wasn't originally like he was. He KNEW the type of person he was getting into a relationship with. She changed through the course of their relationship. She never pretended to be active, she tried to get active while they were together, she made an effort. So if she wasn't like he wanted her to be in the first place, he should have thought about from the beginning.
So, to answer your question, no, I don't see what you did there.
Also, to respond to the original poster, the way he went about it was all wrong. If he is unhappy with an aspect of the relationship, fine. That's allowed, but there is a way to go about it, a way to be tactful and respectful rather than rude and hurtful. Issues should be talked about in a relationship. OP, I hope that you can figure out this issue and come to a solution that makes you happy in the long run. Good luck
Edited for spelling fail
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My SO has seen me miserable, morbidly obese but would never have said that to me. If he gained weight I'd see right through it to to the person I love. Support all the way. If he'd have ever said anything like that to me, it would have completely crushed me. It's not just that it's honest though...saying I don't fancy you has a sense of finality to it. How long is he going to give you before he does fancy you again? 6 months, 20lbs? Seriously...is turning that statement around as simple as that? I think you know the answer and it's going to involve a lot of pain. Maybe you'll do what you think he wants but will you ever trust him to be a soft place to land when the rest of the world around you turns to s*it?
Well said. I completely agree.
Good for your Fiance in voicing his true feelings. You do want honesty in a relationship. With that said, my husband has said I've gained a few when I've asked him, but he's NEVER said he's not attracted to me. Even when I ask if he's still attracted to me, he looks at me like I'm daft, saying "Of course I am", like I've hurt him by thinking so little of him. Deep down, I know his answer, but it feels good to hear it. I could imagine how hurt you must have felt, hearing and now knowing that he doesn't fancy you. Essentially, loving someone mainly for their appearance is not really love, is it? But it's up to you and your fiance to either mend and repair that trust if you can, or move on....0 -
You deserve someone who will love you the same way you love them. If he was in the situation that you are in and gained 20, would you be supportive and loving or critical and mean? If you would love him no matter what, then dump this *kitten* and find a NICE man who will love YOU no matter what. If you are as shallow and superficial as he is, then you better get to starving yourself again so you can both live vapidly every after.
Personally, I think you are beautiful, admire your ambition and strength, and from what little I can see, you deserve MUCH better.0 -
Some of you dummies are not gettin it. She wasn't active and fit when she met him! She was the same size she is now. Whether it was through manipulation or not, she started getting active with him and now her life changed, she went back to her old habits. Why could he accept that when they first met but not now? Because he feels like she needs to live off of his ridiculous expectations. I also wonder what this boy looks like...
So you think he should accept her slipping back into a life of being unfit and inactive??? Shoot the guy for trying to improve her quality of life lol I will say though it sounds like the OP has an unhealthy relationship with food. Skipping meals to stay skinny then over eating to be happy, both are equally bad.
If he doesn't want to accept it, he should either leave or tell he in a tactical way, not make it all about her weight. Maybe I didn't express myself correctly in the post you're replying to but loke I said before, I do understand it if he would say he misses being active with her. Truthfully I would be upset if my boyfriend would suddenly change his lifestyle around and get unhealthy. But I would make sure to let him know I'm concerned about his health and not be so insensitive and say "I don't fancy you anymore." That's just plain rude and I would not want to be with or like someone like that.0 -
Since I don't know your fiancé personally I can't really respond like most people have and tell you to dump him because he's a bully. I've been in a relationship for almost 7 years now and my boyfriend and I have had conversations like this with each other before. I think being honest is healthy, but there is a fine line between being honest and being a jerk and only you can figure that out. If he is constantly putting you down that is not right, and I would suggest you look for someone else. But if he occasionally tells you you’re approaching an unhealthy weight he might just be letting you in on his feelings which is completely normal. No relationship is a cake walk and it’s good to talk about these things instead of keeping it from your SO. That is probably worse than telling the truth. I don’t take if offensively if my boyfriend says something like this to me if it’s in an appropriate manner.0
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I think he was very insensitive. He is your fiance not your friend. Marriage is a commitment to love someone good, bad, indifferent. Not to mention it's for life. I think he used a bad choice of words to be honest. It's hard to give advice when you don't know a person. What I will say is when it comes to weight issues the only person who can fix it is you. You will never keep the weight off if your doing it to please someone or "keep them". I hope that when he gets back you can both speak, and clear the air. Insecurity can ruin a relationship. So my advice for you is share your feeling with him. Let him know that you agree that you've allowed your stress to make you lose sight of putting your health first, but he really hurt your feeling with what he said. Lets face it....the truth hurts sometimes!! Even so I think you wouldn't hurt as much if he said "you've gained weight" rather then " I don't fancy you". Its sounds like a passive aggressive way of saying I'm not that in to you anymore. All I can say is pay attention to the signs, and go with your gut!! It will never steer you wrong!
Good luck!!!0 -
It may be blunt, but he didn't tell you something you haven't told yourself. You are not ok with how you look and feel, so what are you gonna do about that?
I guess I'm a terrible person too because when my husband put on 20lbs I also told him to do something about it. He's 13 years older then me, lost most of his hair and what is left has turned grey. He is not by any means athletic and he has a wrinkly face. All things that come with age and I couldn't love him any less for it.
But something you can do is take care of yourself. He got into the habit of no exercise, watching tv as much as possible and eating mostly crap... all evening long. And yes, when his belly grew to the extend of an 8 months pregnant woman I told him it's unhealthy and unattractive. If you can't be honest with your spous, who can you be honest to?
Like I said, I'm a terrible person....0 -
do you want a man that will always tell you that your beautiful even if he knows your not? do you want a man who always "appreciates" you, but doesn't either have the balls or the respect for you to call you out when you need it most? if your on a self destructive path in life, "downward spiral", (you claimed your over stressed, feeling lazy, seeking comfort in food, and your likely depressed, your definitely defensive about your self) wouldn't it be far FAR more valuable to have a man who loves you enough to tell you the hard things you don't want to hear? Especially when you need it most!
Edited:
For me, if I was with someone who found a way to better herself (not just physical appearance but ALL the benefits from good health choices)... but then she back slid and now shes very unhappy the way she is BUT she CHOSES to do nothing or to accept what she was rather than pushing forward to what she could be.... that is something I could not accept! I firmly believe in always bettering yourself through life!0 -
I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.
This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.
Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.
This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.
also i agree with all this
I agree too. I think food should not be a battleground with partners. It's hard enough to work on healthy attitudes about food on your own. (I'm thinking of your comfort eating here, kind of a flip side of your dinner-skipping when things "were good.")0 -
Some of you dummies are not gettin it. She wasn't active and fit when she met him! She was the same size she is now. Whether it was through manipulation or not, she started getting active with him and now her life changed, she went back to her old habits. Why could he accept that when they first met but not now? Because he feels like she needs to live off of his ridiculous expectations. I also wonder what this boy looks like...
So you think he should accept her slipping back into a life of being unfit and inactive??? Shoot the guy for trying to improve her quality of life lol I will say though it sounds like the OP has an unhealthy relationship with food. Skipping meals to stay skinny then over eating to be happy, both are equally bad.
Umm. No.
He's not trying to improve her quality of life, he is trying to get her to be interested in the things he's interested in so she can fit the molds he wants her to fit in.
When I got to my highest weight, while my fiance still found me beautiful and sexy, he was concerned for my health. I have a hip condition that is indirectly linked to my weight; the more weight on it, the more it hurts. He told me he couldn't stay with me when I was lazy and unconcerned for myself but was always complaining about my hip, and that if I couldn't change my lifestyle he couldn't remain part of my life.
The difference between MY fiance and the OP's is that MINE sat me down and spoke with me in a gentle, unaccusatory tone. He assured me that he thinks I am perfect, I look perfect, and he adores me, but he is concerned for my HEALTH, not my appearance.
THAT is trying to improve my quality of life. Know the difference.
^^ Fantastically explained. Nothing more to add to this. Even if OP decided to get off her butt and exercise, he would still be the same insensitive man. Improving the quality of life would be eating healthy, exercising and getting rid of a man as toxic as him.0 -
There is a lot of advice here and opinions, but the situation is your and your significants. You can't control how he feels and he can't control your feelings. If you feel fat and unpleasant and he is not helpping you with that, communicate that with him. Ask him to help in very specific ways. Communication is so important! Aside from man trohbkes, make time to take care of yourself and own up to excuses for why you're making poor eating decisions or skipping workouts. Realize you are a good person. Don't let anyone else direct your life.0
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So Tuesday, when I was half way through my Kebab my other half feels fit to remind me of my "down-ward spiral" (he keeps dropping this phrase in) and then states QUOTE "I don’t fancy you anymore..."
If he's saying this kind of stuff, you need to have an honest talk with him. But before that, decide the answer to these three questions.
1) Are you comfortable enough in your routine that you do not wish to be bullied into changing right now?
2) Do you truly want to spend the rest of your life with him despite this recent conflict?
3) Is your desire to lose weight for him, or for you?
I have been in an engagement that fell apart, and it was awful for both of us to go through. Luckily we have remained friends, but the way the relationship dissolved and eventually ended was an emotional process, to state it lightly. Don't go down that road unless you're sure there's no turning back.
However, if you're going to make yourself healthier don't just do it for him, or to make him happy, or even to make him "fancy" you. If he truly loves you, he will love you the way you are and be more supportive than this.
My boyfriend of 6 months has recently gained about 10 pounds since we moved in together, but does that make me find him less attractive? Hardly. Do I worry about his health? A little, but I have no room whatsoever to talk. Do I get a bit miffed when he doesn't want to exercise or eat healthy like I do? Sometimes, but at least he eats what I cook and likes going to parks, even if he doesn't want to stay long. But I'm losing weight because *I* want to, and I'm not going to bully him into being like me. If he wants to, great. If not, I will still love him.
Tl;dr Love shouldn't fade based on a little weight gain or a lack of will to exercise. If your fiancee refuses to see it that way, then perhaps this isn't meant to be. Best of luck to you.0 -
I was married for 25+ years to someone that went to the gym everyday and also jogged most days. he was very unhappy with my new body after my pregnancy and birth of my son and was no longer attracted to the new me. We ended up divorced - I am now married to someone that loves me for who I am not what i look like . I am losing weight for ME to be healthier and do not have someone that is critical of what I do or don't do every minute of the day when it comes to my eating and exercise habits. I am now the healthiest I have been in 35+ years, walk 2x a day every day and am happy with who I see in the mirror at 62 years of age . I still have 22 lbs to lose to get to my goal of 120 lbs but with the help of my newly found toy...myfitnesspal and my healthy eating - I know that I am going to reach my goal in 2013 and then maintain my healthy lifestyle.0
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OMG!! I feel it is apparent what is important to him. He sounded unsupportive and cruel to me. If you are anticipating marrying this guy...i would seriously, seriously consider the kind of life you may have and what it could ultimately result in for you. You deserve to have someone who loves you "unconditionally". Don't shortchange yourself for the rest of your life. This is not acceptable behavior.0
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Ahh, memories... I have no advise as this decision is up to you, but I do wish you all the best.0
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Some of you dummies are not gettin it. She wasn't active and fit when she met him! She was the same size she is now. Whether it was through manipulation or not, she started getting active with him and now her life changed, she went back to her old habits. Why could he accept that when they first met but not now? Because he feels like she needs to live off of his ridiculous expectations. I also wonder what this boy looks like...
So you think he should accept her slipping back into a life of being unfit and inactive??? Shoot the guy for trying to improve her quality of life lol I will say though it sounds like the OP has an unhealthy relationship with food. Skipping meals to stay skinny then over eating to be happy, both are equally bad.
If he doesn't want to accept it, he should either leave or tell he in a tactical way, not make it all about her weight. Maybe I didn't express myself correctly in the post you're replying to but loke I said before, I do understand it if he would say he misses being active with her. Truthfully I would be upset if my boyfriend would suddenly change his lifestyle around and get unhealthy. But I would make sure to let him know I'm concerned about his health and not be so insensitive and say "I don't fancy you anymore." That's just plain rude and I would not want to be with or like someone like that.
Of course you would word it better. Women in general are MUCH better when it comes to considering others feelings and emotions. "I don't fancy you" is probably the nicest simplest way his man brain could come up with. Of course it was a horrible thing to say but you have to look at the meaning behind the words. If people broke up every time someone miss spoke or said something a little insensitive then everyone would be divorced and single. Oh wait that is what everyone does smh....0
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