An open letter...
Replies
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To my darling cats......
While I appreciate your concern that I might get lonely on the toilet, I really do not need your assistance. I've been going by myself for 35 yeras now. Besides....I have good stuff to read in there. Honest. So it's completely unnecessary for you to push the door open, come in, rub up against me, wait for me to shut the door, and then go nudge it back open so you can leave.
Also.....to the one who sits on the bathroom sink and wants me to turn the faucet on so you can get a drink while I'm in there (you know who you are).....if you bat me in the head again while I'm trying to pee at 3 a.m. I will flush you.
While we are talking, if you wind around my legs while I'm carrying laundry down the stairs, you will most likely be crushed under the weight of my fat *kitten* when I trip. Just sayin'.
Lastly, being out of cat food for 17.5 minutes does not mean you are starving.
Sincerely,
Your Slave for Life
"Mom"0 -
Dear other MFP'ers:
Thank you for highlighting the struggles you have with your husbands, for it makes me truly appreciate mine that much more.
Dear Husband:
Thank you for consistently cleaning up after yourself, filling up the tank for me, cooking dinner for me, bringing inthe lion's share of the money, always being supportive no matter what I have dreamed up, and generally being the greatest husband of all time.
No doubt, I'm pretty damn thankful for my man, we're a great team! and i compare our "coupledom" to many others, and we're a pretty good couple0 -
Dear Family,
I've cleaned house today. I'm thinking of changing the locks... and my name. It's not Mom or mommy or mama anymore. And NO - you don't get the new key and I'm not telling you my new name.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA!!!!!! I tell my kids all the time that I am changing my name and running away from home if they don't stop fighting and whining!0 -
Dear Darling Daughters,
I appreciate the fact that you love to talk to me about anything and everything. I love hearing about your day, your friends, your favorite TV show, the weather, and even what "the mean boy on the bus" did today, but for the LOVE OF GOD can you wait to tell me all of this after I get done going to the bathroom, taking a shower, or changing my clothes?? Once in a while is okay, but I really don't remember signing the contract in the hospital that said that I have to have an audience for these events every day.
Love and kisses,
Your peeing and/or naked mom
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dearest Lyssa-Lou,
I love that you can get dressed by yourself and you are a VERY independant child, but please at least attempt to coordinate some matching clothing. Purple stripes do not go with red plaid and yellow socks.....and NO you cannot wear your skirt and flipflops to school when it is 30 below outside.
Love Always,
Your practical mother0 -
To my darling cats......
While I appreciate your concern that I might get lonely on the toilet, I really do not need your assistance. I've been going by myself for 35 yeras now. Besides....I have good stuff to read in there. Honest. So it's completely unnecessary for you to push the door open, come in, rub up against me, wait for me to shut the door, and then go nudge it back open so you can leave.
Also.....to the one who sits on the bathroom sink and wants me to turn the faucet on so you can get a drink while I'm in there (you know who you are).....if you bat me in the head again while I'm trying to pee at 3 a.m. I will flush you.
While we are talking, if you wind around my legs while I'm carrying laundry down the stairs, you will most likely be crushed under the weight of my fat *kitten* when I trip. Just sayin'.
Lastly, being out of cat food for 17.5 minutes does not mean you are starving.
Sincerely,
Your Slave for Life
"Mom"
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Love it! I have two dogs and a cat - they all must accompany me to the bathroom, its like a herd. And my cat too goes crazy as soon as she finishes the last morsel of food in her bowl. She also loves to repeatedly pull open and shut the vanity door when she decides she is hungry in the middle of the night. "I will flush you" love that!0 -
Dear Sweet Baby,
I hope you learn to speak whole sentences soon so you can tell me what you want instead of throwing yourself in the floor and screaming while I try to figure it out.
Love,
Mama0 -
Dear Co-workers,
You have a job, therefore you should act like an adult.
I do not run a day care.
Thanks,
Me0 -
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Dear Family,
I've cleaned house today. I'm thinking of changing the locks... and my name. It's not Mom or mommy or mama anymore. And NO - you don't get the new key and I'm not telling you my new name.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA!!!!!! I tell my kids all the time that I am changing my name and running away from home if they don't stop fighting and whining!
lol my mom use to say that to me all the time, i told her to feel free, but leave money for the bills...0 -
Dear Boss,
I appreciate the fact that you think I have more fashion sense than you, however I must tell you that it skeeves me out everytime you fly out of your office with three ties dangling in the wind as you button your shirt and ask my opinion as to which one you should wear. Either (1) divorce your wife and marry me (therefore ensuring I get all that loot you make (2) hire me as a fashion consultant (therefore ensuring I get all that loot you make or (3) leave me the F alone and figure it out for yourself. Also please note that you ONLY own 4 ties and three suits in the four years I've worked for you, chances are we've exhausted EVERY color combination available and ANYTHING you go with will work.
Signed,
Broke and not your d@mn wife0 -
Dear Daughter,
I understand this is that this is your first year in college and I'm very, very proud of you. But, understand that mommy is not your personal ATM. I know that you want to hangout with your friends and enjoy yourself but I don't think spending nearly $100 on a halloween costum was a wise choice, getting your hair and nails done on not so regular basis (excessive) so therefore I montoring your account just a little bit more, which I'm only transferring money on an emergency basis until I feel you are more responsible on handling more.
One more thing my gorgeous, brilliant 18 yr old college student, I put a block on your phone where you can only call me or daddy during certain times. It's called PARENTAL CONTROL! I love Verizone for having this feature. So now you know why you can't talk or text in the middle of the night. That time is for sleeping, getting ready for classes the next day. Just another thing- you can't you use your phone during school hrs as well, just only to call the people I put on the list. Emergency Only. I did free it up on Fridays because you don't have class or should I add this day for studying- hmmm. just a thought. We'll see what those grades look like.
if you have a problem with this please call 1-800- Get A JOB
Your loving mother0 -
To my darling cats......
While I appreciate your concern that I might get lonely on the toilet, I really do not need your assistance. I've been going by myself for 35 yeras now. Besides....I have good stuff to read in there. Honest. So it's completely unnecessary for you to push the door open, come in, rub up against me, wait for me to shut the door, and then go nudge it back open so you can leave.
Also.....to the one who sits on the bathroom sink and wants me to turn the faucet on so you can get a drink while I'm in there (you know who you are).....if you bat me in the head again while I'm trying to pee at 3 a.m. I will flush you.
While we are talking, if you wind around my legs while I'm carrying laundry down the stairs, you will most likely be crushed under the weight of my fat *kitten* when I trip. Just sayin'.
Lastly, being out of cat food for 17.5 minutes does not mean you are starving.
Sincerely,
Your Slave for Life
"Mom"
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Love it! I have two dogs and a cat - they all must accompany me to the bathroom, its like a herd. And my cat too goes crazy as soon as she finishes the last morsel of food in her bowl. She also loves to repeatedly pull open and shut the vanity door when she decides she is hungry in the middle of the night. "I will flush you" love that!
They are hilarious aren't they? I have FOUR so when they "think" they are hungry they tag team meowing and tripping me. And I seriously do have one that camps out at the bathroom sink all day and night cause he loves to drink out of the sink, and if you sit on the toilet without turning on the faucet he'll bat you in the head until you turn it on!
I'm glad you appreciated!0 -
Dear boyfriend,
You are amazing and intelligent; you work so hard and are so good to my son and myself. I hate picking up your socks, but I love it when you pick my son up from school. I’m tired of doing the dishes, but thank you for taking the trash out. Yes, I remembered to record Futurama, thanks for not complaining about the Kardashians. Much. Of course dinner will be hot and waiting when you get home, stop judging my Pizza Hut skills. You know I’m not saying I told you so, but we both knew I was telling the truth when I said you’d re-enlist within six months. I did take a day off work without pay; I’m cleaning your parents’ house the day before Thanksgiving. You know I don’t mind, whatever it is, I don’t mind.
Now where the hell is my ring already??
I love you ridiculously,
Still freaking waiting
Payroll lady at the doctors office 100 miles away,
I am SO sorry your internet isn’t working! It really sucks that it needs to be in by 5pm and you waited until 4:45 pm to try to enter it. Also, since you keep screaming at me I’m gonna go ahead and put in your trouble ticket. And take my happy *kitten* home.
The b!tch at the phone company
PS It’s an outage. Ha.
My *****es,
I miss you. It would be great if you came to visit.
Rack
Dear worst parents I’ve ever had the “pleasure” of knowing,
Where were you when we were playing on the Slip’N’Slide?
You were high. You didn’t even call.
Where were you when she started ‘school’?
You were high. You didn’t even call.
Where were you when she couldn’t fit in her sandals and she got to shop her little heart out?
You were high. You didn’t even call.
Where were you when I was baking her birthday cake?
You were high. You didn’t even call.
Where were you when she woke up crying and begging for her mommy & daddy?
You were high. You didn’t even call.
Where were you when she got big girl panties?
You were high. You didn’t even call.
Where were you when we were picking out pumpkins and taking a hayride?
You were high. You didn’t even call.
Where were you when we decided she would be Ariel for Halloween?
You were high. You didn’t even call.
Where were you when we were writing letters to Santa?
You were high. You didn’t even call.
Where were you when we were planning Thanksgiving dinner?
You were high. You didn’t even call.
Where were you when she was waiting all those Mondays for visitation with her mommy & daddy?
You were high. You didn’t even call.
She deserves better than you.
And when her grandma cried?
You were high. You only called to ask for money.
You were raised better. They deserve better.
Always,
The woman who loves your daughter (and mother) like you should0 -
Dear TOM, (time of the month for those who aren't in the know) :laugh:
Why do you hate me so? Let me just say that hate is definitely mutual. You always come at the wrong time. And that little stunt you pulled last night making me cry for no reason....not cool...so not cool. :grumble: And for the love of god why do you make me feel like the ugliest person on the planet. And chocolate cravings really? I thought we were over this, you and I. I thought we had came to an agreement. I truly hate you and can't wait til you split the scene. I wish you'd get lost on the way somewhere never to return.
yours,
the hormonal mess you visit 12 times a year :grumble:
Dear husband,
It's not cool to leave the kitchen a total wreck after you just had to fix a snack (which you didn't need to start with). You expect me to clean up that crap tomorrow, I know, you've done it a million times. That pisses me off to the max. I'm so glad TOM is in town this week because otherwise that little kitchen fiasco would have earned you a sleep on the couch night. And really making me take the dog for a walk at midnight in the cold, that was just icing on the cake. :grumble:
Love,
"yeah I'm in a *****y mood so leave me alone"0 -
Dear Meeting Facilitator,
I know that we only have meetings once a month, but could you speed up the process a bit today? You are starting to sound a little like the teacher from Charlie Brown and I am intentionally blocking out your annoying voice in my head. I don't think that any of your topics are important enough to warrant a full blown meeting. Couldn't you just send an email and be done with it? That way I could just delete your *kitten* and go about my day. And for the record, stale doughnuts at 1pm in the afternoon is not a good enough incentive to make me bring my *kitten* here on the third Thursday of every month.
Sincerely,
Your Unappreciative Employee0 -
Dear Dog,
Yes, you are the cutest dog on the planet, but it does not mean I have to freeze my butt off while you sniff everything up and down the street while trying to find a good spot to take care of your "business". Please, in the future, choose quickly so that I can get to work on time. There will be an extra treat in your bowl if you do!! Regards
Your obedient Servant
OMG, this is the funniest thing ever! My dog not only sniffs everything she finds but also does the "fake squat" thing (where she squats just long enough for the joy that this excursion will soon be over to wash over me only to stand back up to find a better spot - what the hell is she looking for?!?!?!)0 -
Dear fiance,
I love you more than I will be able to put into words. I feel truly blessed that you came into my life but my life does not always revolve around you. No I can not just stay home tonight instead of going to the gym. I can not just think about going to the gym and loose weight like you. Yes I do need money for another outfit, come one man I am loosing weight here and you spend money on "necessities" like cartons of cigarettes. We have been together for a long time babe but that doesn't mean I don't still need to feel like you think I am beautiful.
Love,
Your wifey
p.s. putting broccoli in chicken alfrdeo does not make it diet chicken alfredo
Dear Jelly Belly,
I would say nice to meet you but that would be lying. I am not sure where you came from but you kind of creeped up on me. I will be walking down the isle soon and I would really like to feel beautiful that day. Please go away!
Thanks!!!!
Natalie0 -
Dear Daughter,
I understand this is that this is your first year in college and I'm very, very proud of you. But, understand that mommy is not your personal ATM. I know that you want to hangout with your friends and enjoy yourself but I don't think spending nearly $100 on a halloween costum was a wise choice, getting your hair and nails done on not so regular basis (excessive) so therefore I montoring your account just a little bit more, which I'm only transferring money on an emergency basis until I feel you are more responsible on handling more.
One more thing my gorgeous, brilliant 18 yr old college student, I put a block on your phone where you can only call me or daddy during certain times. It's called PARENTAL CONTROL! I love Verizone for having this feature. So now you know why you can't talk or text in the middle of the night. That time is for sleeping, getting ready for classes the next day. Just another thing- you can't you use your phone during school hrs as well, just only to call the people I put on the list. Emergency Only. I did free it up on Fridays because you don't have class or should I add this day for studying- hmmm. just a thought. We'll see what those grades look like.
if you have a problem with this please call 1-800- Get A JOB
Your loving mother
MOMMY -
I AM SO SORRY. You're right, I really didn't appreciate what you did for me. But now that I'm a mom and your curse came true and I had one JUST LIKE ME I really miss you and would love a hug right now.
LOVE,
JAN
(my mommy is dead but this sounds just like me in college and what she'd say to me and I'll give you the apology I owed her.0 -
p.s. putting broccoli in chicken alfrdeo does not make it diet chicken alfredo
I just shot decaf out my nose.0 -
Dear Deer,
Please stay off the roads tonight. You're only going to get yourself killed. Mostly, I don't want to be the one who does it, seems how I'll be in my VEHICLE. If you really have a death wish, hang out in the woods and don't run for the people in orange. They're better equipped than me to take care of that wish for you. And, it'll cost me a lot less money.
Love,
Drive who hates driving during deer season
P.S. If you choose to run out in front of me, you'll make good stew.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Hubs,
I love you. I really do. However, last night, you were really pushing your luck. Please don't treat me like a service call. Not one of your better ideas.
Love,
Your Wife0 -
Dear person who posted this...
Dear Mr. Really Freaking Amazing,
Please pick me. I'm going to go all Grey's Anatomy on you and give you the "Choose me, pick me, love me" speech pretty soon. Yes, I realize you've been with her for 2 1/2 years but if you could listen to yourself talk, you would realize how unhappy you sound. I think I'm pretty perfect for you and that you are for me. So grow a pair, and see what is GREAT right in front of you instead of what is familiar and safe!!!! I'll be waiting...
Love,
Falling for You Hard
Please find your own man. He is NOT that great. We have two kids and I have 8 freaking years invested in him. I am stick of seeing text messages from you. I am not going to let you break up our family, so stop trying. He might ***** about me, but he choose me for a reason. He does nothing around the house, and leaves cups full of sauce all over the house. REALLY?
On second thought, he is yours, take him. But I get our kids and 1/2 of all his money.
Cheers and best of luck,
Pissed off girlfriend of: I want to have my cake and to eat it 2 (she is just a friend)0 -
To my 120lb Great Dane, Mom really doesn't mind normally too much when you sneak into her bed at night. But when you start having dreams and running in your sleep and shaking the whole bed and keep her from sleeping when she is not sleeping well to begin with it is kind of bad.
To the flipping mail lady, I understand you have a large route and I understand you have to do your job but this one day at noon and then next at 5pm really really sucks when I am waiting for mail from a lying cheating dirtbag.
To said lying cheating dirtbag, I wish I could say i dont flipping care. But I do,
To the lady that the lying cheating dirtbag was cheating on me with, I wish I could hate you, but i can't you did none of this he did it. I am sorry you are hurting.0 -
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Dear Road Dog,
We wish to thank you for your letter and Polaroid pictures that we recently received. We regret, however, that we will not be able to use you as "Playgirl's Man of the Month Centerfold".
When rated by our panel of AAW (Average American Women) on a scale from 1 to 10, your body was rated minus 2. The AAW has determined by our scientific investigation is an unmarried or widowed female age 60 to 75 that has not been involved with sex five years or longer.
To further justify our rating, we submitted your photographs to a panel of women in the age bracket 25 to 35, but we couldn't get them to stop laughing long enough to rate you.
Please be assured that should the taste of American women ever change so drastically that bodies of your stature are in demand for our centerfold, you will be notified. Meanwhile, don't call us, we'll call you.
Sincerely,
Editor Playgirl Magazine
P. S. Our staff and I wish to take this opportunity to express our deepest heartfelt sympathy to your female companions.0 -
Dear Hussy Who Feels She Could be a Better Mom/Girlfriend Than Me
First of all you're married...and you run a church camp. Second of all, you had your chance in highschool, but you decided you were holier than thou and he wasn't a christian. Now you inappropriatly proposition him at his sister's wedding, that I'M IN! I walked down the isle with him and OUR son, yet you wait until he's so drunk he doesn't know if he's on foot or horse back, to tell him you love him and that you are so much better that I am...right...morally? because your husband sure wasn't at the wedding...but you know what? if you want him that bad, good luck dealing with him. It takes a special person to deal with him, and his son is the EXACT same way. You will soon realize that he isn't the prince charming of your dreams, and there are things that p!ss you off about him...and you will soon realize the huge mistake you made in becoming a homewrecker. Meanwhile my bills just went down to almost nothing, i can cook what i want instead of hearing two men b!tch at me about my food choices, I can go to rock concerts without feeling guilty that he's home with the kid...and I bet you $100 he'll be having sleep overs in my apartment.:glasses:0 -
Dear Annoying Loud Guy At The Gym,
Please put that phone down. It's not necessary for you to make five or six phone calls while on the elliptical or treadmill. And if it is necessary, be respectful to the people on the other end of the line and go outside and give them your full attention.
If you're on the phone, you're not working out. Quit fooling yourself.
Signed,
Sick of hearing your conversations.0 -
Dear Road Dog,
We wish to thank you for your letter and Polaroid pictures that we recently received. We regret, however, that we will not be able to use you as "Playgirl's Man of the Month Centerfold".
When rated by our panel of AAW (Average American Women) on a scale from 1 to 10, your body was rated minus 2. The AAW has determined by our scientific investigation is an unmarried or widowed female age 60 to 75 that has not been involved with sex five years or longer.
To further justify our rating, we submitted your photographs to a panel of women in the age bracket 25 to 35, but we couldn't get them to stop laughing long enough to rate you.
Please be assured that should the taste of American women ever change so drastically that bodies of your stature are in demand for our centerfold, you will be notified. Meanwhile, don't call us, we'll call you.
Sincerely,
Editor Playgirl Magazine
P. S. Our staff and I wish to take this opportunity to express our deepest heartfelt sympathy to your female companions.
bwahahahahahahahahahaha....0 -
Dear Sweet Baby,
I hope you learn to speak whole sentences soon so you can tell me what you want instead of throwing yourself in the floor and screaming while I try to figure it out.
Love,
Mama
My son was like that until he was 4 he was speech delayed, it will come.0 -
Dear Sweet Husband,
I hate it that we are so far apart. I know you are worried that the kids will change or forget about you while you are overseas, but don't worry, that will never happen. I hope those that have their loved ones with them realize how lucky they are. I try not to think about your not being here when I go to bed at night, or I might never get up, and the world keeps turning surprisingly enough, and the kids gotta eat and the bills gotta get paid. I think about you all the time. Please, Please, Please be safe and know how much I love you.
Love,
Your Wife.0 -
Dear Lazy B*tch at Work,
We all see you take 20+ minute breaks which should be 15 minutes and it's no secret that you lunches take over an hour. You're not fooling anyone....Well, I guess you are. The one person who should notice is totally oblivious to your BS. BTW, I assigned you the report you were "working" on for 45 minutes before kicking it back into the pool and leaving for the day. And just so you know, you lazy assh*le, I will do everything in my power to make your life at work miserable. We are all sick of your crap.
Signed,
One of five people who can't stand you0
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