Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?

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I don't understand how having a "say" would not be a demand/pressure that the partner gain or lose weight to suit the SO. No, I don't think they should have a say in that way over someone else's body.

I think you can express loving concern for your SO if they are not at a healthy weight or complaining a lot about their body. You want them to be healthy for them.
If you are not as attracted physically to more or less weight then I suppose you should let them know it is an issue for you that you can not get past for the physical side of the relationship. You should tell the truth about that asap. It is offensive and hurtful but there are degrees of offensive. Telling the truth about your attraction apologetically is better than over the course of time making negative digs constantly or calling names or manipulating them.

My experience of 17 years of marriage is that both of our bodies have changed. I didn't notice when dh gradually gained or lost weight like someone who saw him less frequently might. He just looked like the person I loved.
I have been 125-180 lbs. When I decided to lose weight dh expressed concern that I lose weight safely and had healthy goals in mind. He has said that he loves me and wants me to be healthy and happy not a particular size. He thinks I am sexy at all the weights I have been. He has never asked me to lose weight, exercise more, or monitored my eating. He has supported me in what I want for myself.

STLBADGIRL wrote: »

I understand it is a personal and touchy issue, but should you remain quiet knowing that your partner's health is at risk, or if in fact that you are truly not attracted to them anymore?

I'm on the fence with this, because I have struggled to lose weight my whole life...and I have been offended 80% of the time when my weight is brought up. But when I analyzed why I was behaving this way, it is because internally it is something that I struggle with. The truth is/was I do need to lose weight and just because it is hard for me to hear doesn't mean it isn't the truth. However, I would have welcomed the convo better if after the conversation it was led with, ways to help me achieve that goal.

On the other hand, I know what I am attracted to and it would be a struggle for me if my guy gained an enormous amount of weight OR was frail thin AND WAS NOT SICK.

So I don't know how I feel about this subject yet

My husband is on HBP meds and has been told to lose weight by our GP. I've done what I can to "help" him, but after 2 years of "helping", I finally learned he doesn't want "help" and my life is better off letting him keep gaining weight and having his medication upped to higher doses. It's easier and simpler for him to be on medication to control his health rather than put in effort to lose weight and get off the meds. I suppose he's seen my results of massive weight loss and how it didn't help my health. I was diagnosed with HPB and highish cholesterol 5 years ago. I lost 181# and still have HBP and highish cholesterol.

Do I still love him? As much as I can, though my issues with him are not directly related to his weight.

I do think that a partner has a right to speak up if they feel you are too thin or too large. I think the conversation should be handled respectfully and kindly, but your weight and health is their business just as much as it is yours because your lives are now wrapped up in one another's.

Personally, if I meet someone who looks like Fabio and then 5 years later, he's morphed into Fat Albert, I would need to say something. Especially if I'm still working to keep myself healthy and attractive. On a base level, it's not fair for me to be putting in work on my end to stay attractive and healthy and the other person is not. It's an inequal division of labor, and with weight gain comes health problems, sometimes problems in the bedroom department...just things that will affect my life. It's not fair to foist that upon your partner, especially when it is absolutely not what they signed up for when they met you.

Also weight gain can change so many things about a person beside physical appearance. The show Fit to Fat to Fit shows this really well, like when people gain weight, sometimes their personalities change. Their hobbies and activities change. Even in my friendships, I have a friend who used to be pretty active when we first met. We used to go on walks and go dancing and just be out. She was so much fun. About...30-50 lbs later, she's not so much fun anymore, because she doesn't have the energy or stamina to do those kinds of things any longer. We mostly sit around at her house, or we sit in bars or we sit in movie theatres lol. I don't talk to her about her weight, but I do wish that she would get control of the situation because her gaining weight has changed the tone of our friendship and made it less enjoyable for me.
I imagine people who are in relationships have the same struggle, where if one person gains weight, they aren't able to do the things they used to do or should be doing.

And lastly, habits do rub off. If your partner is not living a healthy lifestyle, it is harder for you to live a healthy lifestyle. And if you end up with a body that you're not happy with because you are living the way that your partner does, it will make you resent your partner. Even with my friend, the first year we met, I gained a smooth 20 lbs. Just by hanging out with her, eating how she eats, drinking as much as she does...I packed on the weight fast, and it made me miserable. I was able to lose it and then some, thank God, and I didn't come to resent her or anything. But to do that, I had to sit and have a firm and honest conversation with myself about what was happening and what I needed to do.

With all that said, there are caveats. If your partner is sick or is taking some kind of medication that is contributing to weight gain or if your partner is pregnant or post-partum, obviously, tread super lightly. Like superrrrr lightly or consider postponing the conversation altogether, because maybe your partner needs to lose weight, but there are so many other things happening at that point that are arguably more important than weight.

For my part, I'm not in a relationship or trying to date right now, but when I do, I already know that I'm going to have to watch out for my weight, and I will definitely do my best to. I do not want to be a person who enters a relationship and lets themselves go, especially because if the relationship ends, the weight will still be there lol. It's not worth it.

I am not sure If this will be a popular opinion, but I think that you should be able to have this conversation for both health well being reasons as well as appearance reasons. From a health perspective, if you love someone, and you see them doing something, anything that is causing serious harm to themselves would you let it go. I would argue you don't really love that person if you do. Now I am not saying be insulting, but I would not let it go. In regards to appearance, physical attraction is important in a healthy relationship. Everyone has what they find attractive or beautiful, and you should be able to talk about that with your partner openly. Also as someone else mentions appearance is not just weight, do you put yourself together, wash and groom regularly, do your hair, wear decent clothes etc. I have some very fit friends who always complain their husbands don't find them attractive anymore. But I only ever see them in sweats, with their hair in a ponytail. Sometimes they don't shower everyday. They don't shave their legs all winter. I want to ask them do they really wonder why? Its like as soon as they got married they felt like they didn't have to try anymore. If you can take time to care about yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?

One of my husbands said things about my being overweight and he is now an ex.

My present husband says things about my weight but he is kind and supportive.

So I guess it depends on how they approach it.

STLBADGIRL wrote: »

Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?

I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.

I mean, personally, I'd want my S.O. to tell me if he thought I was too large or too thin and I tell him that often. He keeps me in check from my own perspective. I'm actively working towards benching 135 lbs, squatting and DL-ing insane weight, and he is very honest when it comes to every inch of my body. Arms are getting bigger, stomach should be flatter, etc. but it's because I ask him for honest opinions. It doesn't make him love me less or more, it's just an opinion because sometimes I get super in my own head and can't see myself the way others do.

Christine_72 wrote: »

I think my husband would probably say something if i started getting fat, but in a jokey loving way. He would never be abusive or name call. I don't know how to say this politely, but i doubt he would be attracted to me in the bedroom if i was obese, and honestly, vice versa.

We're having the opposite problem at the moment, he is always nagging me to stop losing weight, as to him skinny women are not attractive. But the true reason for his carry on is bOObage, he does not want them to shrink :grumble: He would rather me have the belly podge that drives me nuts and keep my boobs, than have a perfectly flat tummy and no boobs.

If he wants your boobs, he can pay for surgery.

Not sure if I'm supposed to tell anyone that he/she IMO is gravitationally challenged.
Comments regarding personal characteristics usually aren't conceived too well if not made in enthusiastic positive ways.

But I for sure know that the marriage is over should The_Best_Of_All_Possible_Wives ever ask: "Do you think I'm too fat?" ... If anyone knows the correct answered to this, please let me know. (Hint: It's not "Compared to what?")

"My body, my choice" works for guys too. I've flat out told SWMBO - who when I was still at 28% bodyfat said I was emaciated - "well, you don't get a say in the matter."