Need to Lose 100 LBS -Robins Thread !

I wrote this on Saturday posted on a bariatric site
Just thinking on a quiet Holy Saturday. I have lost 90 pounds, 50 before and 40 since my sleeve. Almost everything is better, some things are insanely better. The surgery itself was a prayer answered. The 50 I lost before, the strength do do it, was someone else's prayer for me. I found the reason or the strength to spend a year getting ready and coming to believe that it was possible. I couldn't have done it without my wife. Her unfailing support of the decision buoyed me when I thought it was crazy. There were days when I wanted a fight against it so I could fold into my doubts and quit. She never did. She would smile at my crazy talk and say, you're going to be healthier? You're going to live longer? You're going to feel better? Tell me why it's a bad idea. She told me she prayed for me to get healthy at a retreat 2 years ago about 4 months before I began this journey. I am doubly blessed. I was on a fast track to all of the unpleasant co-morbidities I didn't already have, and an early grave too. I still have 70 more to lose. I will lose it too. I will see my boys into their adulthood. I will use this gift. I still am amazed at my success so far. Every step of this journey seems to have been directed. My choice of clinic, the nutritionist and her support. My surgeon calling me out in front of my wife early on, telling me my choices: get serious or die early. I really wanted him to tell me everyone had trouble, but that came later after I was serious when I really couldn't drop another pound. That day he told me what I needed to hear, cold and clinical, it was up to me to make the tool work so I better get busy. There was a delay in my program right before a family emergency that I wouldn't have been able to help with. I was so angry at the delay that turned into a gift. The spectacular surgery team and a really easy recovery. This weekend I am seeing signs, not happenstance.
Happy Easter, I hope you are all as blessed as I have been, I hope you see the signs and accept the sometimes gentle nudge pushing you down the right path (other times it seems, you really have to work to jump off the path). I hope you have, and had, the unfailing support of someone in your moments.

WARNING LONG POST AHEAD

Today marks my 100th day on MFP. Back in January I went to an endocrinologist where I was (re)diagnosed wich PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrom)

That wasnt a surprise since I have know about it since my teens but as a 16 year-old I was invincible and had a lot more going on (inclusing the onset of depression I now realize) so I just pushed it aside and didnt think about it, went with my best Scarlett O'Hara impression "I will think about that tomorrow"

Tomorrow turned into 15 years. I am in Canada the place I finally feel home, feel like myself. My depression has faded into a (not too distant) memory. The eating disorder that accompanied it is mostly under control, my relationship with food just as bad though. Food is a security blanket, a comfort, a companion to my lonely self. January 9th I stepped on the scale and it reads over 144kg (318.4 lbs).

Shock. I know I had been hovering between 120 and130kg for the last 5 years or so but that was my heaviest. I hear myself tell the doctor that yes eventually I want a baby. I hear myself saying that yes I know I need to loose weight but it is hard with my job and so and so... And even in my mind it sounds like BS and excuses.

She doesnt need to say more. I think about that weight means. I am a nurse. I know the likeliness of a pregnancy with PCOS and morbid obesity. I know the risk to myself and the baby if I do get pregnant. I am planning on being a single mother so most of all what struck me is the thought of an early death, not being there for my child, or simply not being able to run, play, keep up with him/her.

The next day I downloaded MFP and stopped making excuses. I didnt have a plan (still dont), just log what I eat, stay under the calorie goal, exercise when and if I can.

Fast forward 100 days and I have lost 40.6lbs. I am pleased and cautiously optimistic. I feel like this time is the right one and I have support that I never had before but I am also cautiously optimistic. I know I have been down this road before, lost and gained back (with some extra). But never that much.

I see and feel the difference and I want to feel more and see more. My motivation sometimes starts to waiver but I think of that little child that doesnt exist yet and it puts me back on track.

Thanks to this thread and the forum I have learned that I am not alone. That other people struggle through the same difficulties, feelings, mistakes and yet they are all working and losing and reacing their goals. I have learned that it is possible, something I think I didnt believe anymore. I think my biggest and most important lesson is that it is okay to have a bad day. It only is failure if you let it.

I am happy and proud of those last 100 days. I know it's only the beginning of a long road but I am not thinking about that today, I will just look at what I have achieved and keep putting one foot in front of the next until I reach the end of the road.

(If anybody wants to see the progress pictures they are on my profile. I wish I could post them here but it is apparently not possible on smartphone)