Welcome to Debate Club! Please be aware that this is a space for respectful debate, and that your ideas will be challenged here. Please remember to critique the argument, not the author.

Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?

Options
1252628303168

Replies

  • SpotLighttt
    SpotLighttt Posts: 174 Member
    Options
    Sunna_W wrote: »
    I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).

    In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.

    I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.

    I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.

    Women don't speak up enough about this.

    i know you are being serious but the way you expressed yourself made me laugh.
    I like that people are speaking up in this thread and not feeling cowered due to a few judgmental and nasty women. It's unbelievable how rude some posters are because one persons choices are different.

    Quite a few people assumed that I was a man because of my opinion and not being attracted to overweight or obese people. It seems like some are still hanging on to that, and at least a couple are trying to convince me that they're the exception to my misogynist standards.

    As far as being cowered by a pile-on, that's about as likely to happen as me suddenly deciding that fat is sexy or gravity suddenly reversing itself.

    Knowing that fat people are unattractive how come you let yourself get fat

    perhaps she realized fat is unattractive AFTER going through it herself?
    From some of her conversations above, I am sure she said something like that.

  • Therealobi1
    Therealobi1 Posts: 3,261 Member
    Options
    Sunna_W wrote: »
    I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).

    In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.

    I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.

    I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.

    Women don't speak up enough about this.

    i know you are being serious but the way you expressed yourself made me laugh.
    I like that people are speaking up in this thread and not feeling cowered due to a few judgmental and nasty women. It's unbelievable how rude some posters are because one persons choices are different.

    Quite a few people assumed that I was a man because of my opinion and not being attracted to overweight or obese people. It seems like some are still hanging on to that, and at least a couple are trying to convince me that they're the exception to my misogynist standards.

    As far as being cowered by a pile-on, that's about as likely to happen as me suddenly deciding that fat is sexy or gravity suddenly reversing itself.

    Knowing that fat people are unattractive how come you let yourself get fat

    perhaps she realized fat is unattractive AFTER going through it herself?
    From some of her conversations above, I am sure she said something like that.

    Thanks for your update
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
    Options
    Sunna_W wrote: »
    I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).

    In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.

    I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.

    I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.

    Women don't speak up enough about this.

    i know you are being serious but the way you expressed yourself made me laugh.
    I like that people are speaking up in this thread and not feeling cowered due to a few judgmental and nasty women. It's unbelievable how rude some posters are because one persons choices are different.

    Quite a few people assumed that I was a man because of my opinion and not being attracted to overweight or obese people. It seems like some are still hanging on to that, and at least a couple are trying to convince me that they're the exception to my misogynist standards.

    As far as being cowered by a pile-on, that's about as likely to happen as me suddenly deciding that fat is sexy or gravity suddenly reversing itself.

    Knowing that fat people are unattractive how come you let yourself get fat

    perhaps she realized fat is unattractive AFTER going through it herself?
    From some of her conversations above, I am sure she said something like that.

    I mean I knew it was unattractive. I made terrible, lazy decisions about things for a while and got fat. I took a look at myself, was disgusted at what I saw, the negative performance impact it had on literally every activity I did and knowing that I had failed so hard at basic self-care, and resolved the problem with my lazy, stupid decisions and my weight.

    I never expected a fit person to find me attractive regardless of my weight. Why should they? I wasn't compatible with them when I was packing extra pounds and couldn't keep up with a fit person doing activities. Nor did I even find myself attractive. I looked awful.
  • SpotLighttt
    SpotLighttt Posts: 174 Member
    Options
    Sunna_W wrote: »
    I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).

    In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.

    I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.

    I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.

    Women don't speak up enough about this.

    i know you are being serious but the way you expressed yourself made me laugh.
    I like that people are speaking up in this thread and not feeling cowered due to a few judgmental and nasty women. It's unbelievable how rude some posters are because one persons choices are different.

    Quite a few people assumed that I was a man because of my opinion and not being attracted to overweight or obese people. It seems like some are still hanging on to that, and at least a couple are trying to convince me that they're the exception to my misogynist standards.

    As far as being cowered by a pile-on, that's about as likely to happen as me suddenly deciding that fat is sexy or gravity suddenly reversing itself.

    Knowing that fat people are unattractive how come you let yourself get fat

    perhaps she realized fat is unattractive AFTER going through it herself?
    From some of her conversations above, I am sure she said something like that.

    Thanks for your update

    No worries.

    the pitching in with the occasional dig gets tiring to read. Its evident you are ignoring what she is writing and focusing on which sentence to find to directly put her down.

    'bit lame.

  • Therealobi1
    Therealobi1 Posts: 3,261 Member
    Options
    Sunna_W wrote: »
    I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).

    In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.

    I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.

    I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.

    Women don't speak up enough about this.

    i know you are being serious but the way you expressed yourself made me laugh.
    I like that people are speaking up in this thread and not feeling cowered due to a few judgmental and nasty women. It's unbelievable how rude some posters are because one persons choices are different.

    Quite a few people assumed that I was a man because of my opinion and not being attracted to overweight or obese people. It seems like some are still hanging on to that, and at least a couple are trying to convince me that they're the exception to my misogynist standards.

    As far as being cowered by a pile-on, that's about as likely to happen as me suddenly deciding that fat is sexy or gravity suddenly reversing itself.

    Knowing that fat people are unattractive how come you let yourself get fat

    Stupid, lazy, bad decisions that were entirely my fault. There's no excuse. It was a personal failure.

    Operative word is was. The problem has been corrected and will not recur.

    I am really intrigued how your relationship went. You see for me I got big and my other half never said a word he even told me not too lose too much weight this is why I am fascinated by your posts.

    P.s are you allowed fat friends
  • Therealobi1
    Therealobi1 Posts: 3,261 Member
    Options
    Sunna_W wrote: »
    I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).

    In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.

    I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.

    I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.

    Women don't speak up enough about this.

    i know you are being serious but the way you expressed yourself made me laugh.
    I like that people are speaking up in this thread and not feeling cowered due to a few judgmental and nasty women. It's unbelievable how rude some posters are because one persons choices are different.

    Quite a few people assumed that I was a man because of my opinion and not being attracted to overweight or obese people. It seems like some are still hanging on to that, and at least a couple are trying to convince me that they're the exception to my misogynist standards.

    As far as being cowered by a pile-on, that's about as likely to happen as me suddenly deciding that fat is sexy or gravity suddenly reversing itself.

    Knowing that fat people are unattractive how come you let yourself get fat

    perhaps she realized fat is unattractive AFTER going through it herself?
    From some of her conversations above, I am sure she said something like that.

    Thanks for your update

    No worries.

    the pitching in with the occasional dig gets tiring to read. Its evident you are ignoring what she is writing and focusing on which sentence to find to directly put her down.

    'bit lame.

    Temporary ignoring user
  • Therealobi1
    Therealobi1 Posts: 3,261 Member
    Options
    Sunna_W wrote: »
    I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).

    In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.

    I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.

    I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.

    Women don't speak up enough about this.

    i know you are being serious but the way you expressed yourself made me laugh.
    I like that people are speaking up in this thread and not feeling cowered due to a few judgmental and nasty women. It's unbelievable how rude some posters are because one persons choices are different.

    Quite a few people assumed that I was a man because of my opinion and not being attracted to overweight or obese people. It seems like some are still hanging on to that, and at least a couple are trying to convince me that they're the exception to my misogynist standards.

    As far as being cowered by a pile-on, that's about as likely to happen as me suddenly deciding that fat is sexy or gravity suddenly reversing itself.

    Knowing that fat people are unattractive how come you let yourself get fat

    Stupid, lazy, bad decisions that were entirely my fault. There's no excuse. It was a personal failure.

    Operative word is was. The problem has been corrected and will not recur.

    I am really intrigued how your relationship went. You see for me I got big and my other half never said a word he even told me not too lose too much weight this is why I am fascinated by your posts.

    P.s are you allowed fat friends

    P.s I am upsetting spotlight let me know if I offend you
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
    Options
    I find it very hard to understand what the "correct"answer some posters want. They do not want a person to tell their partner that they hate his/her body changes. They do not want this person to leave. They obviously do not want this person to cheat. So, this poor woman/guy who cannot be attracted to their partner, and they are not even allowed to speak about it, what are they supposed to do? Do not say "get over it". Assume that this is not possible, and the woman/man in the example cannot feel attracted to this new body. He/she can care for their partner, worry about their partner, feel guilty and sad about no longer being attracted, but cannot feel attracted. So, what next? If he/she is not even allowed to inform their partner about the problem and how bad it is for the relationship?
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
    Options
    Sunna_W wrote: »
    I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).

    In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.

    I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.

    I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.

    Women don't speak up enough about this.

    i know you are being serious but the way you expressed yourself made me laugh.
    I like that people are speaking up in this thread and not feeling cowered due to a few judgmental and nasty women. It's unbelievable how rude some posters are because one persons choices are different.

    Quite a few people assumed that I was a man because of my opinion and not being attracted to overweight or obese people. It seems like some are still hanging on to that, and at least a couple are trying to convince me that they're the exception to my misogynist standards.

    As far as being cowered by a pile-on, that's about as likely to happen as me suddenly deciding that fat is sexy or gravity suddenly reversing itself.

    Knowing that fat people are unattractive how come you let yourself get fat

    Stupid, lazy, bad decisions that were entirely my fault. There's no excuse. It was a personal failure.

    Operative word is was. The problem has been corrected and will not recur.

    I am really intrigued how your relationship went. You see for me I got big and my other half never said a word he even told me not too lose too much weight this is why I am fascinated by your posts.

    P.s are you allowed fat friends

    The long and short of it is that I was single at the time that this went on, and did not try to date.

    I tend to make friends who are interested in the same type of activities as me, and who are at similar levels of capability. It tends to self select into people who are relatively fit.
  • SpotLighttt
    SpotLighttt Posts: 174 Member
    Options
    aggelikik wrote: »
    I find it very hard to understand what the "correct"answer some posters want. They do not want a person to tell their partner that they hate his/her body changes. They do not want this person to leave. They obviously do not want this person to cheat. So, this poor woman/guy who cannot be attracted to their partner, and they are not even allowed to speak about it, what are they supposed to do? Do not say "get over it". Assume that this is not possible, and the woman/man in the example cannot feel attracted to this new body. He/she can care for their partner, worry about their partner, feel guilty and sad about no longer being attracted, but cannot feel attracted. So, what next? If he/she is not even allowed to inform their partner about the problem and how bad it is for the relationship?

    exactly, isnt this also coined as lack of communication? So whos fault is it?
  • Therealobi1
    Therealobi1 Posts: 3,261 Member
    Options
    aggelikik wrote: »
    I find it very hard to understand what the "correct"answer some posters want. They do not want a person to tell their partner that they hate his/her body changes. They do not want this person to leave. They obviously do not want this person to cheat. So, this poor woman/guy who cannot be attracted to their partner, and they are not even allowed to speak about it, what are they supposed to do? Do not say "get over it". Assume that this is not possible, and the woman/man in the example cannot feel attracted to this new body. He/she can care for their partner, worry about their partner, feel guilty and sad about no longer being attracted, but cannot feel attracted. So, what next? If he/she is not even allowed to inform their partner about the problem and how bad it is for the relationship?

    There is never going to be a right answer
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
    Options
    aggelikik wrote: »
    I find it very hard to understand what the "correct"answer some posters want. They do not want a person to tell their partner that they hate his/her body changes. They do not want this person to leave. They obviously do not want this person to cheat. So, this poor woman/guy who cannot be attracted to their partner, and they are not even allowed to speak about it, what are they supposed to do? Do not say "get over it". Assume that this is not possible, and the woman/man in the example cannot feel attracted to this new body. He/she can care for their partner, worry about their partner, feel guilty and sad about no longer being attracted, but cannot feel attracted. So, what next? If he/she is not even allowed to inform their partner about the problem and how bad it is for the relationship?

    Apparently the answer is shut up, close your eyes, and think of England while being physically affectionate/sexual anyway.

    I'd rather leave and be thought an arsehole than suffer in silence.
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,874 Member
    Options
    aggelikik wrote: »
    I find it very hard to understand what the "correct"answer some posters want. They do not want a person to tell their partner that they hate his/her body changes. They do not want this person to leave. They obviously do not want this person to cheat. So, this poor woman/guy who cannot be attracted to their partner, and they are not even allowed to speak about it, what are they supposed to do? Do not say "get over it". Assume that this is not possible, and the woman/man in the example cannot feel attracted to this new body. He/she can care for their partner, worry about their partner, feel guilty and sad about no longer being attracted, but cannot feel attracted. So, what next? If he/she is not even allowed to inform their partner about the problem and how bad it is for the relationship?

    Nobody is looking for any kind of answer. We all have to do what we think is right for us/our relationship. I think there is still a degree of trying to understand the other perspective by some posters in this thread at this point, but it's rapidly degrading at this point.

    Several posters up-thread shared their personal experiences of weight gain/loss within their relationships and various other related issues to illustrate that weight gain for them isn't a deal-breaker, nor is it always a permanent state. For others it is a deal-breaker, and that doesn't necessarily make them bad people. Different strokes.
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
    Options
    tomteboda wrote: »
    The answer to bad moral character? I think everyone knows that's much, much harder than weight loss. A fat person (defined here as a person who is at 1 lb over the arbitrary WHO guide of BMI=25) can lose weight.They can bring joy to the lives of others. They can participate in athletic activities, be upstanding members of their communities, be generous and kind,and fun, and small good, and yes, have sex with ordinary humans without crushing them or breaking bones. And they can, as I said, lose the weight.

    A narrow, shallow, judgmental person changing is the stuff of fairy tales.

    I personally think anyone married to such a person is better off without the dead weight of that spouse.

    So, physical attraction is a matter of morals?
    I love it how everyone is supposedly for communication and honesty in marriages, as long as there is actually no real communication and honesty happening...
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
    Options
    pinuplove wrote: »
    aggelikik wrote: »
    I find it very hard to understand what the "correct"answer some posters want. They do not want a person to tell their partner that they hate his/her body changes. They do not want this person to leave. They obviously do not want this person to cheat. So, this poor woman/guy who cannot be attracted to their partner, and they are not even allowed to speak about it, what are they supposed to do? Do not say "get over it". Assume that this is not possible, and the woman/man in the example cannot feel attracted to this new body. He/she can care for their partner, worry about their partner, feel guilty and sad about no longer being attracted, but cannot feel attracted. So, what next? If he/she is not even allowed to inform their partner about the problem and how bad it is for the relationship?

    Nobody is looking for any kind of answer. We all have to do what we think is right for us/our relationship. I think there is still a degree of trying to understand the other perspective by some posters in this thread at this point, but it's rapidly degrading at this point.

    Several posters up-thread shared their personal experiences of weight gain/loss within their relationships and various other related issues to illustrate that weight gain for them isn't a deal-breaker, nor is it always a permanent state. For others it is a deal-breaker, and that doesn't necessarily make them bad people. Different strokes.

    Except that now someone has said that not being physically attracted to overweight and obese people is literally bad moral character.
    tomteboda wrote: »
    The answer to bad moral character? I think everyone knows that's much, much harder than weight loss. A fat person (defined here as a person who is at 1 lb over the arbitrary WHO guide of BMI=25) can lose weight.They can bring joy to the lives of others. They can participate in athletic activities, be upstanding members of their communities, be generous and kind,and fun, and small good, and yes, have sex with ordinary humans without crushing them or breaking bones. And they can, as I said, lose the weight.

    A narrow, shallow, judgmental person changing is the stuff of fairy tales.

    I personally think anyone married to such a person is better off without the dead weight of that spouse.

    Best of luck to them in finding someone they're compatible with, but they won't be in a relationship or having sex with me if they choose to be overweight, regardless of what you think that says about my moral character.

    I don't owe anyone sex or a relationship. Ever.
    aggelikik wrote: »
    tomteboda wrote: »
    The answer to bad moral character? I think everyone knows that's much, much harder than weight loss. A fat person (defined here as a person who is at 1 lb over the arbitrary WHO guide of BMI=25) can lose weight.They can bring joy to the lives of others. They can participate in athletic activities, be upstanding members of their communities, be generous and kind,and fun, and small good, and yes, have sex with ordinary humans without crushing them or breaking bones. And they can, as I said, lose the weight.

    A narrow, shallow, judgmental person changing is the stuff of fairy tales.

    I personally think anyone married to such a person is better off without the dead weight of that spouse.

    So, physical attraction is a matter of morals?
    I love it how everyone is supposedly for communication and honesty in marriages, as long as there is actually no real communication and honesty happening...

    As long as the communication is exactly what they want to hear, they're all for it.
    Sunna_W wrote: »
    I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).

    In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.

    I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.

    I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.

    Women don't speak up enough about this.

    :open_mouth: Like the other posters here, you are more than right to have your own standards of attraction and I'm not arguing that, but your basis for some of it seems out of left field.

    At 5'6", I would consider you a fairly large woman. I am 5', and 104lbs. At one time I was 95lbs and my husband 350lbs. In no way were my internal organs ever crushed or any joint dislocated. The possibility never even crossed my mind. You do know as well, that the man does not have to be on top right?

    As for overweight people smelling.....what an over generalization. The only overweight people I've ever been around that smelled where those that had a medical condition.

    Hygiene can be an issue for overweight and obese people. Bacteria in skin folds coupled with sweat results in body odor, and being overweight or obese means more sweating from normal daily activity. Lots of people who have a ripe aroma are not actually aware that they smell because their olfactory sense has filtered it out.
  • Jayco141
    Jayco141 Posts: 221 Member
    Options
    So... Hmmm... If your SO is not making the effort to try and be in shape and or generally just be healthy then she is lacking respect for herself or himself. I know when I am heavy I feel like I am being way too lazy and therefore feel guilty. I am heavy now and making a concerted effort to get where I should be.
    I in fact would love my SO to tell me when I am losing my path, it would make me jump to attention.
  • Therealobi1
    Therealobi1 Posts: 3,261 Member
    Options
    P.s to all if you don't wash everyday regardless of size you will smell. Just wanted to point that out.