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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
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Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
Yes they should love you BUT they dedicate their life to you AND in your VOWS you said you would stay healthy,,, in sickness AND in health
The vow is typically not to stay healthy. It's ... 'to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part'. It's a vow to remain faithful in bad times and good.
Well- most people do their own these days- few people do super traditional read after me vows. Not everyone said the same thing.
mine included tacos.
Of course that's true. But the point is that when people use that vow they aren't typically promising to remain healthy.
most people probably not- but I had that talk before we ever talked about getting married.
About remaining healthy? So many health problems can arise regardless of weight or fitness.
my exact words were "I'm not f**king a fat dude".
Not sure how that relates back to the vow, but I do think it's a good idea to discuss things that are important to you before marriage.
actually it does relate - in sickness and in health - Sickness is a guarantee - we will all die - BUT health is also a vow - who wants to go through life with someone who s only to states in life are unhealthy and sick
Sickness is not a guarantee. People die of things other than sickness. Health is not a guarantee, people who are lean and fit get sick.
Edit: whether or not health is vow will vary by couple but that is not what the traditional vow mentioned above was written to mean.3 -
They should have input, but ultimately that is your decision. A person who truly loves another does not stop loving them due to body size.3
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Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
Yes they should love you BUT they dedicate their life to you AND in your VOWS you said you would stay healthy,,, in sickness AND in health
The vow is typically not to stay healthy. It's ... 'to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part'. It's a vow to remain faithful in bad times and good.
Well- most people do their own these days- few people do super traditional read after me vows. Not everyone said the same thing.
mine included tacos.
Of course that's true. But the point is that when people use that vow they aren't typically promising to remain healthy.
most people probably not- but I had that talk before we ever talked about getting married.
About remaining healthy? So many health problems can arise regardless of weight or fitness.
my exact words were "I'm not f**king a fat dude".
Not sure how that relates back to the vow, but I do think it's a good idea to discuss things that are important to you before marriage.
I said I had that conversation before we talked about getting married.
You asked "about remaining healthy?"
and I gave you my exact words regarding the conversation I had prior to us every talking about marriage- this was in the earlier stages when we were discussing long term relationship goals and if we were interested in pursing that path or not.
No health is not a guarantee. You can get sick for a lot of reasons. And that can indeed impact your weight- but the hard reality is- I'm not having sex with someone who is extremely over weight.
Sex is important to me- and my relationship. it's a critical part of a relationship. anyone who says otherwise is lying to themselves. It doesn't have to be a primary driver- but it's got to be there.
If the man I love has gotten to a point where he doesn't care- and ceases to tend to his body- we have a SERIOUS problem. And it warrants a serious discussion. A come to jesus is necessary.4 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
Yes they should love you BUT they dedicate their life to you AND in your VOWS you said you would stay healthy,,, in sickness AND in health
The vow is typically not to stay healthy. It's ... 'to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part'. It's a vow to remain faithful in bad times and good.
Well- most people do their own these days- few people do super traditional read after me vows. Not everyone said the same thing.
mine included tacos.
Of course that's true. But the point is that when people use that vow they aren't typically promising to remain healthy.
most people probably not- but I had that talk before we ever talked about getting married.
About remaining healthy? So many health problems can arise regardless of weight or fitness.
my exact words were "I'm not f**king a fat dude".
Not sure how that relates back to the vow, but I do think it's a good idea to discuss things that are important to you before marriage.
I said I had that conversation before we talked about getting married.
You said "about remaining healthy"
and I gave you my exact words regarding the conversation I had prior to us every talking about marriage- this was in the earlier stages when we were discussing long term relationship goals and if we were interested in pursing that path or not.
No health is not a guarantee. You can get sick for a lot of reasons. And that can indeed impact your weight- but the hard reality is- I'm not having sex with someone who is extremely over weight.
Sex is important to me- and my relationship. it's a critical part of a relationship. anyone who says otherwise is lying to themselves. It doesn't have to be a primary driver- but it's got to be there.
If the man I love has gotten to a point where he doesn't care- and ceases to tend to his body- we have a SERIOUS problem. And it warrants a serious discussion. A come to jesus is necessary.
Not sure why you keep quoting me since I posted only about the meaning of a traditional marriage vow, but thanks for the info.2 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
Yes they should love you BUT they dedicate their life to you AND in your VOWS you said you would stay healthy,,, in sickness AND in health
The vow is typically not to stay healthy. It's ... 'to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part'. It's a vow to remain faithful in bad times and good.
Well- most people do their own these days- few people do super traditional read after me vows. Not everyone said the same thing.
mine included tacos.
Of course that's true. But the point is that when people use that vow they aren't typically promising to remain healthy.
most people probably not- but I had that talk before we ever talked about getting married.
About remaining healthy? So many health problems can arise regardless of weight or fitness.
my exact words were "I'm not f**king a fat dude".
Not sure how that relates back to the vow, but I do think it's a good idea to discuss things that are important to you before marriage.
actually it does relate - in sickness and in health - Sickness is a guarantee - we will all die - BUT health is also a vow - who wants to go through life with someone who s only to states in life are unhealthy and sick
Sickness is not a guarantee. People die of things other than sickness. Health is not a guarantee, people who are lean and fit get sick.
we will all be sick - its a fact of life - I am not saying cancer or stroke but everyone will go through something - so health IS a vow - you MUST attempt and strive for fitness and health
Must? Um, no.1 -
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@Need2Exerc1se because you specifically quoted me- you and I- we were talking.
but I mean- I guess if you want to stop talking and pretend like it didn't happen we can.0 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »They should have input, but ultimately that is your decision. A person who truly loves another does not stop loving them due to body size.
I feel like most people haven't said that they'd stop loving someone because they've gained a lot of weight but people generally cannot help what they're attracted to. Each marriage is different but for myself and for my husband, attraction plays a large role in our relationship so we both try to look our best for each other.
Obviously growing older will change your body, and of course we understand that, and growing older will clearly impact what we strive to look like, but the thought remains the same.
truth is if they have gained alot of weight they are NOT the same person you married - physically and Mentally they are different - so yeah very easy to fall out of love
I think "very easy to fall out of love" depends on the person. I've been with my husband for 10+ years and at this point it would take a lot for me to fall out of love with him (I can't even imagine that).
I feel the same. If a person loses a lot of weight they are not the same person either. People change with time.1 -
Interesting video covering this premise (particularly the couple on the brink of divorce at 00:30):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o73pqQ9Gzt4&t=211s
You can't change the world...but you can change yourself. Several similar models out there, but all roads leading to success hold an element of ownership.2 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »They should have input, but ultimately that is your decision. A person who truly loves another does not stop loving them due to body size.
I feel like most people haven't said that they'd stop loving someone because they've gained a lot of weight but people generally cannot help what they're attracted to. Each marriage is different but for myself and for my husband, attraction plays a large role in our relationship so we both try to look our best for each other.
Obviously growing older will change your body, and of course we understand that, and growing older will clearly impact what we strive to look like, but the thought remains the same.
truth is if they have gained alot of weight they are NOT the same person you married - physically and Mentally they are different - so yeah very easy to fall out of love
I think "very easy to fall out of love" depends on the person. I've been with my husband for 10+ years and at this point it would take a lot for me to fall out of love with him (I can't even imagine that).
I feel the same. If a person loses a lot of weight they are not the same person either. People change with time.
yep
What do you consider a lot of weight to be?
I'm 5'3'' and in Sept 2016 I weighed about 127. I've lost 20 pounds since then and for me, that was a significant amount of my body weight (15%)- so is that considered "a lot"? Because I am the same person that I was back then, I just look a hell of a lot better than I used to.
50 pounds was my number.0 -
@Need2Exerc1se because you specifically quoted me- you and I- we were talking.
but I mean- I guess if you want to stop talking and pretend like it didn't happen we can.
Sorry did you want to keep talking? I can later but it's lunch time now so we'll have to pick it up later.1 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
i do really think it depends on your relationship and your communication with one another. I was with my ex for almost 5 years, and in total he gained probably about 80 pounds. i never said a thing, because he exercised and kept himself together. however, in dec 2015-feb 2016 i gained a whopping 50 pounds, and NO ONE could tell me why. nothing at all had changed in my diet. another 6 long months and it turned out i had hashi's, and connective tissue disease(symptoms similar to RA, lupus, fibro, etc) which many of you know is very debilitating on one's body. Unfortunately auto immune issues are hereditary(mom has RA), and my ex knew there was a possibility at some point it may show up. Anyway, i got on meds and was trying to figure out the best course of action, which can take years to find the right form of treatment, and a month in he flat out told me he didn't care. nevermind the fact we had been fighting for months prior because he kept telling me i was just being lazy and that's why i gained weight. Clearly that relationship didn't stick. now to the good part (:
I met my boyfriend now a few months later, and it was the complete opposite. he is very much in shape and has only gotten better over the last year and a half or so, even while i still struggle. He was 100% honest from the beginning that he had never been with a "bigger" girl, but he knew i was trying to work on it and wasn't being lazy so it was a non issue. fast forward to today, we live together, and i am still working towards my goal. i have been working out for over a year. I have lost a little here and there, and my body has changed quite a bit from working out, but havent lost too much because of previous health issues listed. it makes things entirely more difficult, but i am still trying. At this point, he encourages me because this is what I WANT. he has also stated that it doesn't matter what i weigh, he is more concerned about me being healthy and not hurting. sometimes its still hard for me, because he is in really good shape. i do agree about the point where too much weight loss/gain can make someone less attractive, my ex and i did not have sex for over a year because of that and other issues. but it really is all about how you COMMUNICATE your concern to that person. not just saying something to be an *kitten*. that is far more encouraging to me anyway. My boyfriend now will get on my case if i haven't gone to the gym in a few days, because he knows how much damage i can do to my body when i DON'T go. he NEVER gets on my case about food, but if i ask him to help keep me in check he will. because again, ultimately this is what i want. to him, me losing weight/getting more in shape is just a bonus (;5
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