The Sober Squad- Alcohol Free Living

Hi friends. I've only posted a handful of times but read frequently.

On this day on Facebook can be a reminder of why drinking isn't an option for me.

On this day 7 years ago I was waking up with probably the worst hangover in my life. Hung over physically and emotionally.

At the time I was going through one of the most difficult seasons in my life. My son was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 3. 7 years ago he was 6 years old. Due to his limitations with Autism he had communication delays and acted out A LOT in extreme violence and rage. As you can imagine it was extremely difficult to live with. I had horrible mother's guilt and blamed myself for his delays, due to his violence and it just not being safe for others to be around we lost all friends, no one invited him to birthday parties, etc.

My family and husband knowing how emotionally bad I was doing threw me a surprise 39.5 year birthday party. My birthday is in January and my parents are always in Aruba the month of January and my 40th birthday would be no exception. Plus no one expects a surprise 1/2 birthday party. It was an amazing party. My family had food catered in, all the alcoholic and N/A drinks a person could want, my closest friends and family friends were invited. Beautiful invites sent in the mail (side note: why is this tradition now gone and so dependent on FB Events or other event apps?), etc. It was amazing. I was so happy and overwhelmed with just joy and gratitude.

2012 was a tough year for me. My alcoholism was no longer kept a secret. I just couldn't keep it a secret any longer. I used to be able to cover my consumption and I no longer could. My daughter would cry begging me to not get tipsy, my parents, sister & closet friends saw a side of me that I wanted to hide and began questioning me. My sweet husband was withdrawing from me and every area of my life was beginning to fall apart.

On the night of my 39 1/2 party I was wasted and in a black out in less than an hour. Here I was in front of 40 people and just a hot mess express. I have vague memories from that night but I knew after that day I couldn't continue the path I was on any more. The shame, the guilt and remorse. So on this day I was so full of shame, guilt and remorse and knowing that something needed to change but the change could wait until Monday I then got wasted again at home with my husband and kids at home. So hungover that I had to drink to numb it out. So fully of guilt and shame on Sunday I had to drink again.

For several years while drinking, big beefy red and I would google "how do you know when you have a drinking problem" and when it would get really bad I'd reach out to my two friends who used to drink like me that no longer drink and seem happy. They would encourage me to get help and meet them at meetings and I just wouldn't.

After my 39 1/2 party I was willing to try to change. Never to get sober but learn how to drink like a lady and develop better coping skills. I reached out to one of my friends in AA and she told me to meet her at a meeting on Monday. I told her I couldn't because I was too hung over and I never drank on Monday's but I'd meet her on Tuesday. I justified not being an alcoholic because I didn't drink on Monday and Tuesday, had my husband/kids, job/career, house, legal driver, etc. I did meet my friend at that meeting on Tuesday and was blown away. I thought for sure they would all be so miserable and depressed and it wasn't that at all. At least not in the meeting I went to.

I wish I could tell you I stayed sober after that first meeting but I didn't. I had a really hard time identifying as an alcoholic because A. I didn't want to quit and couldn't stomach the idea of NEVER having another drink. Especially never having another glass of wine. B. From the outside looking in I had the life people wanted. C. I still had my good job but only by the skin of my teeth. D. My parents still loved me, my sister, her husband and kids (my family is thick as thieves) E. never any legal troubles due to drinking, etc.

So on Monday-Thursday I'd go to meetings but then by the weekend I'd say see I didn't drink all week....I can manage it. Then of course Monday morning would come and I'm hung over one more time, physically and emotionally. This cycle went on for several weeks. My last weekend of drinking was miserable. I tried the controlled drinking experiment suggested to me that I now know was directly quoted from the chapter from the Big Book "More About Alcoholism" Let's just say the controlled drinking experiment failed miserably. I finally surrendered, admitted I was an alcoholic and if I didn't change all the things that I hadn't lost yet due to my drinking were coming. It was if my higher power parted the seas so I could get a tiny glimpse of the future and see what was coming for me if I continued.

Still today I will never say I'll never take another drink. I can't think about FOREVER.... It's too overwhelming. I can say however that today I don't plan on taking a drink. Today I will ask my higher power to give me one more day of sobriety and tonight when I lay my head on the pillow I'll thank my higher power for another day of sobriety.

God wiling in a month from now I will celebrate 7 years of sobriety. I've seen where this disease/too much drinking will take people and it's crushing. I once thought big beefy red was my BFF and I realized I was it's slave and it was my master. My first year sober I spent bawling, mourning and avoiding foods because of how I liked to pair my foods with wine and other drinks.

I've had an amazing ride, it's not been easy. I've lived through A LOT of life these last 7 years. My son's autism has been challenging and thankfully now with age he's so much better but it's not been easy. At 2.5 years of sobriety I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. I've had other issues as well with other family members that has been challenging as well.

Today my recovery is no different than treating cancer. Meetings, sponsorship, service work and trying to grow spiritually is my chemo/surgery/radiation. If I take the medicine and do what's needed to be healthy I'll survive and live a great life.

I'm not on here to sell anyone AA. This is just been my experience on my recovery journey. Find what works best for you and do it....You're worth it!

Sorry for being so long. I'm almost never on my computer and I wanted to check in on Ruby to see how she's doing. I've been following her for a while and she's a true light in this thread. All of you are but there's something about her that I just connect with and have for a while. I hope that doesn't offend anyone..

Thank you for reading my novel and I hope you all have a fantastic sober Sunday!!!