WHY do people CHEAT?
Replies
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H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.
I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.
I’m sorry you went through that. Can I ask, did you both gain an emotional connection back? I personally do not have the same mindset, once I experienced a connection elsewhere and I have been honest about that with my spouse.
My spouse is determined to change my mind, it’s more sad for me to watch him not hear me that I’m not getting back to a place mentally with him again. I’m wanting to divorce and pretty much was told he’s not going to go through a divorce without a fight.8 -
Hip_to_be_square wrote: »You don't have to cheat. You can be monogamous with one person at a time, many lovers throughout your lifetime. Because why settle down when you can spend your lifetime sampling the whole buffet? My ex can tell you about that.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q
I've had her book and this one on my list of books to get to for a while
An excerpt from the book overview: "These women conceive of an alternate solution to a marriage that is not wholly working, where their own needs are ignored, unmet, and not prioritized."
They glorify the alternate solution or third way, but it is often short-lived and proves to be expensive in divorce court.
Then again, there are plenty of stories of men and women who have cheated for decades without consequence.
Hedonistic proclivities>ethics for many.0 -
Keep_on_cardio wrote: »H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.
I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.
I’m sorry you went through that. Can I ask, did you both gain an emotional connection back? I personally do not have the same mindset, once I experienced a connection elsewhere and I have been honest about that with my spouse.
My spouse is determined to change my mind, it’s more sad for me to watch him not hear me that I’m not getting back to a place mentally with him again. I’m wanting to divorce and pretty much was told he’s not going to go through a divorce without a fight.
I think with H is that it was more of an ego boost, he was not getting what he needed from me..appreciation, etc. for a while before. He was also having issues sexually due to a medication he was on so he said that pretending by sexting, etc. with someone else made him feel more of a man (if that makes sense)...apparently to a guy having sexual issues is a huge blow to their ego from what I read and heard.
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Keep_on_cardio wrote: »H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.
I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.
I’m sorry you went through that. Can I ask, did you both gain an emotional connection back? I personally do not have the same mindset, once I experienced a connection elsewhere and I have been honest about that with my spouse.
My spouse is determined to change my mind, it’s more sad for me to watch him not hear me that I’m not getting back to a place mentally with him again. I’m wanting to divorce and pretty much was told he’s not going to go through a divorce without a fight.
I think with H is that it was more of an ego boost, he was not getting what he needed from me..appreciation, etc. for a while before. He was also having issues sexually due to a medication he was on so he said that pretending by sexting, etc. with someone else made him feel more of a man (if that makes sense)...apparently to a guy having sexual issues is a huge blow to their ego from what I read and heard.
As you can see through this thread, everyone sees things differently so if he told you that and you believe it, thats good you two worked it out. I hope things are better between you and him. I do believe life’s too short, to stay married and one or both parties unhappy.0 -
Keep_on_cardio wrote: »Keep_on_cardio wrote: »H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.
I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.
I’m sorry you went through that. Can I ask, did you both gain an emotional connection back? I personally do not have the same mindset, once I experienced a connection elsewhere and I have been honest about that with my spouse.
My spouse is determined to change my mind, it’s more sad for me to watch him not hear me that I’m not getting back to a place mentally with him again. I’m wanting to divorce and pretty much was told he’s not going to go through a divorce without a fight.
I think with H is that it was more of an ego boost, he was not getting what he needed from me..appreciation, etc. for a while before. He was also having issues sexually due to a medication he was on so he said that pretending by sexting, etc. with someone else made him feel more of a man (if that makes sense)...apparently to a guy having sexual issues is a huge blow to their ego from what I read and heard.
As you can see through this thread, everyone sees things differently so if he told you that and you believe it, thats good you two worked it out. I hope things are better between you and him. I do believe life’s too short, to stay married and one or both parties unhappy.
Yeah for sure...I know the state of the marriage was not good..I own my responsibility in that for sure. So perhaps because of that I was more inclined to believe. Understand though if it ever happened again, I am done and he will lose a lot.2 -
Keep_on_cardio wrote: »Keep_on_cardio wrote: »H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.
I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.
I’m sorry you went through that. Can I ask, did you both gain an emotional connection back? I personally do not have the same mindset, once I experienced a connection elsewhere and I have been honest about that with my spouse.
My spouse is determined to change my mind, it’s more sad for me to watch him not hear me that I’m not getting back to a place mentally with him again. I’m wanting to divorce and pretty much was told he’s not going to go through a divorce without a fight.
I think with H is that it was more of an ego boost, he was not getting what he needed from me..appreciation, etc. for a while before. He was also having issues sexually due to a medication he was on so he said that pretending by sexting, etc. with someone else made him feel more of a man (if that makes sense)...apparently to a guy having sexual issues is a huge blow to their ego from what I read and heard.
As you can see through this thread, everyone sees things differently so if he told you that and you believe it, thats good you two worked it out. I hope things are better between you and him. I do believe life’s too short, to stay married and one or both parties unhappy.
Yeah for sure...I know the state of the marriage was not good..I own my responsibility in that for sure. So perhaps because of that I was more inclined to believe. Understand though if it ever happened again, I am done and he will lose a lot.
💜💜 you sound like a very understanding woman and he will lose a lot0 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?
I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.
Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.
Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.
I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.
I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.
It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.
To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.
But...you can have sex with someone and not have an emotional attachment.
Yeah, and that’s cheating to me. It doesn’t matter if there is an emotional attachment or not.
Ugh, I completely read that wrong. Kissing someone else (obviously not in a platonic way) is cheating to me.0 -
Keep_on_cardio wrote: »H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.
I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.
I’m sorry you went through that. Can I ask, did you both gain an emotional connection back? I personally do not have the same mindset, once I experienced a connection elsewhere and I have been honest about that with my spouse.
My spouse is determined to change my mind, it’s more sad for me to watch him not hear me that I’m not getting back to a place mentally with him again. I’m wanting to divorce and pretty much was told he’s not going to go through a divorce without a fight.
I don't understand why anyone would contest a divorce. The only people who win such a battle are the attorneys.
Attend counseling? Sure. Make an attempt to rescue the marriage? That Too.
But when one half of the partnership is waving the white flag, it's time to call it quits and make the split as quickly and as clean as possible.
Amiright ??
.8 -
Motorsheen wrote: »
I don't understand why anyone would contest a divorce. The only people who win such a battle are the attorneys.
Attend counseling? Sure. Make an attempt to rescue the marriage? That Too.
But when one half of the partnership is waving the white flag, it's time to call it quits and make the split as quickly and as clean as possible.
Amiright ??
I want to agree, but I guess it is possible it could be the final smack in the face the served party needed to realize there really is an issue.1 -
Ego- need to feel desired all of the time
Immaturity- unable to commit to one person
Selfishness
Passive/aggressive behavior against their partner
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Motorsheen wrote: »Keep_on_cardio wrote: »H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.
I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.
I’m sorry you went through that. Can I ask, did you both gain an emotional connection back? I personally do not have the same mindset, once I experienced a connection elsewhere and I have been honest about that with my spouse.
My spouse is determined to change my mind, it’s more sad for me to watch him not hear me that I’m not getting back to a place mentally with him again. I’m wanting to divorce and pretty much was told he’s not going to go through a divorce without a fight.
I don't understand why anyone would contest a divorce. The only people who win such a battle are the attorneys.
Attend counseling? Sure. Make an attempt to rescue the marriage? That Too.
But when one half of the partnership is waving the white flag, it's time to call it quits and make the split as quickly and as clean as possible.
Amiright ??
.
If only all people saw the end of a partnership in such a way. There are sooooooo many people who are in the situation mentioned above. Being told that the other party only wants to hear what they want to hear, that they refuse to acknowledge that something can't be "fixed", that they won't let it die without a fight (which will just drive the person further away and leave them both bitter for years after).
Hence why I have mentioned that sometimes, a relationship is less like a partnership and more like a gilded cage. The cage may be pretty, but at the end of the day, it's still just a cage.4 -
Motorsheen wrote: »Keep_on_cardio wrote: »H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.
I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.
I’m sorry you went through that. Can I ask, did you both gain an emotional connection back? I personally do not have the same mindset, once I experienced a connection elsewhere and I have been honest about that with my spouse.
My spouse is determined to change my mind, it’s more sad for me to watch him not hear me that I’m not getting back to a place mentally with him again. I’m wanting to divorce and pretty much was told he’s not going to go through a divorce without a fight.
I don't understand why anyone would contest a divorce. The only people who win such a battle are the attorneys.
Attend counseling? Sure. Make an attempt to rescue the marriage? That Too.
But when one half of the partnership is waving the white flag, it's time to call it quits and make the split as quickly and as clean as possible.
Amiright ??
.
I would think so... damn there walked into oncoming traffic over a year ago, in an argument and I’ve never mentally come back from that. I don’t believe one should ever lose their mind. Let me go, damn.2 -
4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Motorsheen wrote: »
I don't understand why anyone would contest a divorce. The only people who win such a battle are the attorneys.
Attend counseling? Sure. Make an attempt to rescue the marriage? That Too.
But when one half of the partnership is waving the white flag, it's time to call it quits and make the split as quickly and as clean as possible.
Amiright ??
I want to agree, but I guess it is possible it could be the final smack in the face the served party needed to realize there really is an issue.
In my case, it’s a power move. The attempt to come on top. When I have nothing to give. If I’m ready to leave without any financial means at the moment, I’d say it’s done.2 -
Keep_on_cardio wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?
I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.
Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.
Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.
I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.
I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.
It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.
To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.
I do appreciate hearing thoughts, from someone who personally doesn’t believe an emotional affair is cheating.
I will give a little insight, as why for myself it’s a huge thing. I personally don’t feel it’s hard to find someone to have a physical relationship with. There’s tons people in general ready for the physical act. The powerfulness between connecting with another’s mind, can bring the sex world into a whole other level (if you reach that point).
If I’m in a relationship or marriage, find myself emotionally connected more so with a stranger, HUGE problem. That means, my person lost the most intimate part of me. For me, hard to come back from.
I’m not saying I don’t see how that’s wrong or could be painful but it is not cheating to me.
There are many things I would not tolerate in a relationship that I don’t consider cheating.
Also, sex is an extremely big deal to me that goes hand in hand with emotions so for me, a man stepping out on me like that is the ultimate betrayal.
I would much rather a man connect emotionally with another woman than actually sleep with her. The second option can bring home HIV and kill me.
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Keep_on_cardio wrote: »Keep_on_cardio wrote: »H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.
I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.
I’m sorry you went through that. Can I ask, did you both gain an emotional connection back? I personally do not have the same mindset, once I experienced a connection elsewhere and I have been honest about that with my spouse.
My spouse is determined to change my mind, it’s more sad for me to watch him not hear me that I’m not getting back to a place mentally with him again. I’m wanting to divorce and pretty much was told he’s not going to go through a divorce without a fight.
I think with H is that it was more of an ego boost, he was not getting what he needed from me..appreciation, etc. for a while before. He was also having issues sexually due to a medication he was on so he said that pretending by sexting, etc. with someone else made him feel more of a man (if that makes sense)...apparently to a guy having sexual issues is a huge blow to their ego from what I read and heard.
As you can see through this thread, everyone sees things differently so if he told you that and you believe it, thats good you two worked it out. I hope things are better between you and him. I do believe life’s too short, to stay married and one or both parties unhappy.
I am curious are you still living with your spouse?1 -
Keep_on_cardio wrote: »Keep_on_cardio wrote: »H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.
I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.
I’m sorry you went through that. Can I ask, did you both gain an emotional connection back? I personally do not have the same mindset, once I experienced a connection elsewhere and I have been honest about that with my spouse.
My spouse is determined to change my mind, it’s more sad for me to watch him not hear me that I’m not getting back to a place mentally with him again. I’m wanting to divorce and pretty much was told he’s not going to go through a divorce without a fight.
I think with H is that it was more of an ego boost, he was not getting what he needed from me..appreciation, etc. for a while before. He was also having issues sexually due to a medication he was on so he said that pretending by sexting, etc. with someone else made him feel more of a man (if that makes sense)...apparently to a guy having sexual issues is a huge blow to their ego from what I read and heard.
As you can see through this thread, everyone sees things differently so if he told you that and you believe it, thats good you two worked it out. I hope things are better between you and him. I do believe life’s too short, to stay married and one or both parties unhappy.
I am curious are you still living with your spouse?
Yes and plan for him to move out soon 💜6 -
Cheating never existed before MFP.3
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I had an issue with cheating when I was young (teens/early 20s). It first happened when I was 18. For awhile there I thought I was broken. I'm 33 now, and in retrospect, it's easy to see the reasons that factored into it. I acted out because of prior abuse (that occurred at 13/14 years old), I confused lust with love (often feeling like I was desperately falling in love with someone, whilst also still loving my partner), my sexual orientation was horribly repressed because of my strict Christian upbringing, therefore accepting male attention validated that I was "straight", and my parents divorced when I was 19 which fed into many negative, self destructive behaviors. I'm happily married now and couldn't imagine cheating on my husband. I know for a fact I would never do that to him. And I would never excuse my cheating in the past or say that what I did was right. What I do know is that people can certainly mature, strive to be better, and work through their issues that lead to such behaviors. Saying that people that make a particular kind of mistake are "scum" is a bit extreme when you don't take 2 seconds to think about what might have led to it. And I have been cheated on as well (despite being faithful through the whole relationship) so I certainly know how it feels to be on the other side of it.
My take-away is this: if you cheat, have cheated, or are tempted to cheat - you need to do some soul-searching and self-reflection without continuing to drag your partner(s) with you.12 -
I was cheated on and I believe 100% that it was a communication issue. When he told me what he needed, I thought he was a whiney child. He wasn't, I was just selfish and couldn't be bothered with what I considered neediness. That wasn't fair of me, and since I wasn't fulfilling his needs he cheated. He really should have said if you can't be the person I need we should split. Instead, he slept with a 20-year-old when he was 35ish. Now he's on his 4th marriage and has cheated on the first 3 and I can only assume will or has with the 4th. I think it's almost always communication issues.
Yes but who is the common denominator in his three relationships that he has cheated during? Someone like that I think it is just in them to cheat regardless...0 -
Keep_on_cardio wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?
I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.
Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.
Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.
I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.
I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.
It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.
To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.
I do appreciate hearing thoughts, from someone who personally doesn’t believe an emotional affair is cheating.
I will give a little insight, as why for myself it’s a huge thing. I personally don’t feel it’s hard to find someone to have a physical relationship with. There’s tons people in general ready for the physical act. The powerfulness between connecting with another’s mind, can bring the sex world into a whole other level (if you reach that point).
If I’m in a relationship or marriage, find myself emotionally connected more so with a stranger, HUGE problem. That means, my person lost the most intimate part of me. For me, hard to come back from.
Girl I agree with this 100%. Sex and physical attraction are so easy to come by. But mental attraction... Once someone connects to your mind and soul, that's when you're in trouble! I speak from experience.
100% agree with this. In fact mental attraction can lead to physical attraction when it may not have been there initially. In my opinion of course.2 -
Keep_on_cardio wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?
I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.
Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.
Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.
I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.
I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.
It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.
To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.
I do appreciate hearing thoughts, from someone who personally doesn’t believe an emotional affair is cheating.
I will give a little insight, as why for myself it’s a huge thing. I personally don’t feel it’s hard to find someone to have a physical relationship with. There’s tons people in general ready for the physical act. The powerfulness between connecting with another’s mind, can bring the sex world into a whole other level (if you reach that point).
If I’m in a relationship or marriage, find myself emotionally connected more so with a stranger, HUGE problem. That means, my person lost the most intimate part of me. For me, hard to come back from.
Girl I agree with this 100%. Sex and physical attraction are so easy to come by. But mental attraction... Once someone connects to your mind and soul, that's when you're in trouble! I speak from experience.
100% agree with this. In fact mental attraction can lead to physical attraction when it may not have been there initially. In my opinion of course.
Yeah but the honeymoon stage wears off...I have seen couples that have been together for a number of years and they cheated on their former spouses with each other and believe me the honeymoon stage and all the roses and champagne is long gone.
What I find funny is that the cheater it is never their fault why their marriage is not working out..it is always the other spouse of course...because they are perfect but their spouse is not giving them what they need...BAER!1 -
Because it‘s fun.7
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Keep_on_cardio wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?
I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.
Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.
Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.
I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.
I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.
It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.
To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.
I do appreciate hearing thoughts, from someone who personally doesn’t believe an emotional affair is cheating.
I will give a little insight, as why for myself it’s a huge thing. I personally don’t feel it’s hard to find someone to have a physical relationship with. There’s tons people in general ready for the physical act. The powerfulness between connecting with another’s mind, can bring the sex world into a whole other level (if you reach that point).
If I’m in a relationship or marriage, find myself emotionally connected more so with a stranger, HUGE problem. That means, my person lost the most intimate part of me. For me, hard to come back from.
Girl I agree with this 100%. Sex and physical attraction are so easy to come by. But mental attraction... Once someone connects to your mind and soul, that's when you're in trouble! I speak from experience.
100% agree with this. In fact mental attraction can lead to physical attraction when it may not have been there initially. In my opinion of course.
Yeah but the honeymoon stage wears off...I have seen couples that have been together for a number of years and they cheated on their former spouses with each other and believe me the honeymoon stage and all the roses and champagne is long gone.
What I find funny is that the cheater it is never their fault why their marriage is not working out..it is always the other spouse of course...because they are perfect but their spouse is not giving them what they need...BAER!
I'm not saying it leads to anything meaningful... Just it's harder to shake off1 -
Hip_to_be_square wrote: »Hip_to_be_square wrote: »You don't have to cheat. You can be monogamous with one person at a time, many lovers throughout your lifetime. Because why settle down when you can spend your lifetime sampling the whole buffet? My ex can tell you about that.https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8QHip_to_be_square wrote: »You don't have to cheat. You can be monogamous with one person at a time, many lovers throughout your lifetime. Because why settle down when you can spend your lifetime sampling the whole buffet? My ex can tell you about that.https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q
I've had her book and this one on my list of books to get to for a while
Meh. Pardon my moment of bitterness. As I sit here musing, I'm thinking yesterday is too heavy and life's too short to keep mentioning anything.
Indeed!!!0 -
Keep_on_cardio wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?
I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.
Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.
Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.
I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.
I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.
It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.
To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.
I do appreciate hearing thoughts, from someone who personally doesn’t believe an emotional affair is cheating.
I will give a little insight, as why for myself it’s a huge thing. I personally don’t feel it’s hard to find someone to have a physical relationship with. There’s tons people in general ready for the physical act. The powerfulness between connecting with another’s mind, can bring the sex world into a whole other level (if you reach that point).
If I’m in a relationship or marriage, find myself emotionally connected more so with a stranger, HUGE problem. That means, my person lost the most intimate part of me. For me, hard to come back from.
Girl I agree with this 100%. Sex and physical attraction are so easy to come by. But mental attraction... Once someone connects to your mind and soul, that's when you're in trouble! I speak from experience.
100% agree with this. In fact mental attraction can lead to physical attraction when it may not have been there initially. In my opinion of course.
Yeah but the honeymoon stage wears off...I have seen couples that have been together for a number of years and they cheated on their former spouses with each other and believe me the honeymoon stage and all the roses and champagne is long gone.
What I find funny is that the cheater it is never their fault why their marriage is not working out..it is always the other spouse of course...because they are perfect but their spouse is not giving them what they need...BAER!
My case, cheating had already occurred pre-kids and pre-marriage on both ends. The trust was broken years ago. The past history itself comes with substance abuse and other traumas.
I’m not a victim and or perfect, the truth is there’s a difference between being 23/24yrs old to being 34 and raising children. I’ve had years of growth and understanding, what I accepted and looked over 10yr ago IS NOT what I will accept and take with for a lifetime. The damage from past traumas and us not growing together, is the bigger picture.
***Response to Cheater never being their fault***
If a cheater places excuses on their behavior then they’re not truly sorry for what they’ve done. The reality is there’s no excuse, to ones behavior. The best thing to do is own it. They chose what felt right for them.
I find lack of accountability to be a huge red flag, in general. I don’t believe two partners can move in a positive direction, if one constantly makes excuses for their wrongs. The shift blaming, to point fingers at outsiders and everywhere else but the actual problem, is also a huge red flag.8 -
Keep_on_cardio wrote: »Keep_on_cardio wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?
I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.
Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.
Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.
I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.
I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.
It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.
To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.
I do appreciate hearing thoughts, from someone who personally doesn’t believe an emotional affair is cheating.
I will give a little insight, as why for myself it’s a huge thing. I personally don’t feel it’s hard to find someone to have a physical relationship with. There’s tons people in general ready for the physical act. The powerfulness between connecting with another’s mind, can bring the sex world into a whole other level (if you reach that point).
If I’m in a relationship or marriage, find myself emotionally connected more so with a stranger, HUGE problem. That means, my person lost the most intimate part of me. For me, hard to come back from.
Girl I agree with this 100%. Sex and physical attraction are so easy to come by. But mental attraction... Once someone connects to your mind and soul, that's when you're in trouble! I speak from experience.
100% agree with this. In fact mental attraction can lead to physical attraction when it may not have been there initially. In my opinion of course.
Yeah but the honeymoon stage wears off...I have seen couples that have been together for a number of years and they cheated on their former spouses with each other and believe me the honeymoon stage and all the roses and champagne is long gone.
What I find funny is that the cheater it is never their fault why their marriage is not working out..it is always the other spouse of course...because they are perfect but their spouse is not giving them what they need...BAER!
My case, cheating had already occurred pre-kids and pre-marriage on both ends. The trust was broken years ago. The past history itself comes with substance abuse and other traumas.
I’m not a victim and or perfect, the truth is there’s a difference between being 23/24yrs old to being 34 and raising children. I’ve had years of growth and understanding, what I accepted and looked over 10yr ago IS NOT what I will accept and take with for a lifetime. The damage from past traumas and us not growing together, is the bigger picture.
***Response to Cheater never being their fault***
If a cheater places excuses on their behavior then they’re not truly sorry for what they’ve done. The reality is there’s no excuse, to ones behavior. The best thing to do is own it. They chose what felt right for them.
I find lack of accountability to be a huge red flag, in general. I don’t believe two partners can move in a positive direction, if one constantly makes excuses for their wrongs. The shift blaming, to point fingers at outsiders and everywhere else but the actual problem, is also a huge red flag.
I agree...the other woman/man is often the one that the betrayed spouse blames and puts anger toward but they would not be let into a marriage if the cheater had not allowed them to.2 -
i felt that5
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