WHY do people CHEAT?
Replies
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I would also like if it posted the users name under who liked or disliked a post, that's fair right? It worked like that on some other forums.CanesGalactica wrote: »
Well yeah. If you take away the anonymity, it would be abused a hell of a lot less.1 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »ArmyVeteranM1A1C wrote: »So to answer the as far as "cheating" in a relationship, the simple answer is the "cheater" wants more than he/she has, right or wrong
More complex answer would involve what the definition of cheating is, some men and women don't mind sharing so they do not consider it cheating, but other may judge and consider it cheating based on their morals, values and beliefs.
Cheating is more a Judeo/Christian stigma, many cultures and religions around the World do not consider infidelity cheating
Cheating is a perspective, swingers do not consider sexual relations with others cheating, Mormons with multiple wives do not consider it cheating, many cultures have condoned multiple wives or husbands or sex partners.
Now, don't wanna get too deep on that, I would just say if a couple is committed and the man or woman wants sex with another fwb and his/her partner does not allow that or know about it; it is terribly wrong especially if they don't practice safe sex and put their partners health and life at risk.
Me, I don't judge and don't care about someone else's business if it doesn't affect me, I have had swinger relationships and committed relationships, threesomes, foursomes, many combinations and know and have known many people and couples in all kinds of sexual situations, different situations work for different people.
Cheating can be defined many different ways, so this is a tough question to answer
Actually, the bolded is a good point. What I consider to be out of bounds for a relationship may not be the same for someone else, even my partner.
That's why that whole "communication" thing becomes important and it seems like we either are losing our ability to effectively communicate those needs and desires or we were never taught how to in the first place. We being collective, not you/I specific.
i was never taught that skill. I’m learning fast though
I forgot to respond to this. I wasn't taught it either. As a matter of fact, it was reinforced in our family that you don't discuss your problems/issues at all and that when you're depressed, it's perfectly acceptable to hide yourself in a room and watch soap operas, essentially ignoring your family except when you're obligated to do something.
I, too, am in the process of learning communication with people.
you seem adept at expressing yourself. it’s encouraging to know it’s a process
It helps when you stop caring (as much) about the judgment of people (whether known or unknown). I realize now that I have nothing to really hide. The things I've done/the things that have been done to me.. I feel no shame over them anymore. They were and are (and always will be) part of a process of growth. Some parts a lot more painful than others.
I really enjoy you and your perspective on things.1 -
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CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
In my experience that would be highly irregular, as it opens the window to the probability of callousing your partner's emotions. Disclosure would be voided if this were to be a couple's running trend.
Hypothetically, if:
@neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people?
I would assume the subservient/ reticent participant in this pseudo-open relationship would be hurt. Too many traditional coupling violations would be crossed over the course of such daliances sans agreement.
@What if it was never discussed?
Hmmmm... If particulates in an open relationship aren't discussed, clearly the dominant player in the coupling has abused his/her role and is taking advantage of the obvious newbie.
@What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Some couples my sister and I know have gone through this very scenario. I interpret it as a sense of over compensating on their love/trust meter. No relationship is going to be void of the 'pain threshold' being tested. It comes with the territory. If a couple had always practiced being open, the triggers are often addressed earlier on by one or both, thereby creating 'the boundaries' and allowable limits oftentimes quelling flare ups. If both are new, without adhering to basic coupling boundaries (even in a monogamous relationship), then they aren't going to last, unless they are anomalies who are capable of adapting to their open learning curve.1 -
Unhappiness for a variety of relationship reasons.2
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I personally believe that we can get by in this world, and find dates without the use of these apps. I still stand by my opinion that such apps need not exist. I got some disagrees after saying that already. But really, they do no good. Male users tend to have a lonely experience, female users experience being spammed or mollycoddled. They just don't end well and the truth is that they are making people even more detached.CanesGalactica wrote: »I have never used Tinder or a dating app/website of any sort, so I am unsure of their algorithms or mechanics. You're just reinforcing my desire to never use them, though. :laugh:
However, for more mature users who are aged 35+, I guess they probably can be beneficial. I can only speak for what I've experienced, and witnessed from other users.
Tinder treated a dude pretty well
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BasedGawd412 wrote: »
I personally believe that we can get by in this world, and find dates without the use of these apps. I still stand by my opinion that such apps need not exist. I got some disagrees after saying that already. But really, they do no good. Male users tend to have a lonely experience, female users experience being spammed or mollycoddled. They just don't end well and the truth is that they are making people even more detached.CanesGalactica wrote: »I have never used Tinder or a dating app/website of any sort, so I am unsure of their algorithms or mechanics. You're just reinforcing my desire to never use them, though. :laugh:
However, for more mature users who are aged 35+, I guess they probably can be beneficial. I can only speak for what I've experienced, and witnessed from other users.
Tinder treated a dude pretty well
I always assumed this was the case based on male friends who use the app. They have little to no problem getting matches and they aren't the standard definition of what people consider to be "studs". Then again, I notice a lot of my friends legitimately using Tinder as a dating app (since dating websites cost money) instead of just using it to hookup. It's all just fascinating to me.1 -
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You have to be photogenic, you literally have to possess the key things that women look for in photos. This is not the case with most guys out there. If you have some funny meme stuff going on in your profile, women might swipe right just because of that, but that doesn't mean that they're serious about liking your profile.CanesGalactica wrote: »BasedGawd412 wrote: »
I personally believe that we can get by in this world, and find dates without the use of these apps. I still stand by my opinion that such apps need not exist. I got some disagrees after saying that already. But really, they do no good. Male users tend to have a lonely experience, female users experience being spammed or mollycoddled. They just don't end well and the truth is that they are making people even more detached.CanesGalactica wrote: »I have never used Tinder or a dating app/website of any sort, so I am unsure of their algorithms or mechanics. You're just reinforcing my desire to never use them, though. :laugh:
However, for more mature users who are aged 35+, I guess they probably can be beneficial. I can only speak for what I've experienced, and witnessed from other users.
Tinder treated a dude pretty well
I always assumed this was the case based on male friends who use the app. They have little to no problem getting matches and they aren't the standard definition of what people consider to be "studs". Then again, I notice a lot of my friends legitimately using Tinder as a dating app (since dating websites cost money) instead of just using it to hookup. It's all just fascinating to me.
I joined tinder last year, I didn't abuse the ELO system or anything. I have decent photos up and really just wanted to see what would come of it. I have only 6 "likes" who I cannot see since I don't pay for a membership.
There also can be a lot said for joining these apps at the right time, I believe I joined at the wrong time.
ELO? Electric Light Orchestra... what? :laugh:
Also, I'm a lady (last I checked), but something tells me I'd be terrible at Tinder because I am not photogenic at all. :laugh:0 -
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You have to be photogenic, you literally have to possess the key things that women look for in photos. This is not the case with most guys out there. If you have some funny meme stuff going on in your profile, women might swipe right just because of that, but that doesn't mean that they're serious about liking your profile.CanesGalactica wrote: »BasedGawd412 wrote: »
I personally believe that we can get by in this world, and find dates without the use of these apps. I still stand by my opinion that such apps need not exist. I got some disagrees after saying that already. But really, they do no good. Male users tend to have a lonely experience, female users experience being spammed or mollycoddled. They just don't end well and the truth is that they are making people even more detached.CanesGalactica wrote: »I have never used Tinder or a dating app/website of any sort, so I am unsure of their algorithms or mechanics. You're just reinforcing my desire to never use them, though. :laugh:
However, for more mature users who are aged 35+, I guess they probably can be beneficial. I can only speak for what I've experienced, and witnessed from other users.
Tinder treated a dude pretty well
I always assumed this was the case based on male friends who use the app. They have little to no problem getting matches and they aren't the standard definition of what people consider to be "studs". Then again, I notice a lot of my friends legitimately using Tinder as a dating app (since dating websites cost money) instead of just using it to hookup. It's all just fascinating to me.
I joined tinder last year, I didn't abuse the ELO system or anything. I have decent photos up and really just wanted to see what would come of it. I have only 6 "likes" who I cannot see since I don't pay for a membership.
There also can be a lot said for joining these apps at the right time, I believe I joined at the wrong time.
@CanesGalactica location also plays a part in this, in the US there's a population of 327.2 million, the country I'm in has a population of 4.7 million
In the Pacific population and exposure is lacking to the extent where my cousins are being matched . Epic fail. Makes me wonder if similar occurrences happen in the US and larger markets.1 -
Perhaps a new thread for this topic?0
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Ok maybe I was wrong about thatFinishiitnow wrote: »
There is not right or wrong when we express our personal opinion.
Let me know what else in your beautiful mind.0 -
I thought this was gonna be about eating a whole pizza in bed on a frisky Sunday afternoon.
Yea - I thought this was about cheating on your plan -- not you're partner. But it completely destroys your psychology when someone cheats on you. From my experience there are two main motivators: the person doesn't have the courage or vocabulary to have an honest and meaningful conversation about his/her expectations of the relationship. The second is just complete and utter narcissism.1 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.0 -
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CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?0 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?
I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.
Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.
Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.2 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?
I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.
Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.
Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.
I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.2 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?
I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.
Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.
Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.
I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.
Okay, sort of half related. I have a friend who apparently felt that receiving or giving oral was cheating, but straight on intercourse was AOK. Anyone care to explain his logic to me?
I do like how you used the information you gleaned from your guy acquaintance to open up a convo with the person you were in a relationship with at the time.0 -
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CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?
I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.
Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.
Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.
I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.
I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.
It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.
To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.
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Hip_to_be_square wrote: »You don't have to cheat. You can be monogamous with one person at a time, many lovers throughout your lifetime. Because why settle down when you can spend your lifetime sampling the whole buffet? My ex can tell you about that.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q
I've had her book and this one on my list of books to get to for a while
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CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?
I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.
Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.
Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.
I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.
I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.
It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.
To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.
But...you can have sex with someone and not have an emotional attachment.3 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?
I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.
Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.
Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.
I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.
I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.
It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.
To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.
But...you can have sex with someone and not have an emotional attachment.
Yeah, and that’s cheating to me. It doesn’t matter if there is an emotional attachment or not.
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CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?
I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.
Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.
Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.
I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.
I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.
It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.
To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.
I do appreciate hearing thoughts, from someone who personally doesn’t believe an emotional affair is cheating.
I will give a little insight, as why for myself it’s a huge thing. I personally don’t feel it’s hard to find someone to have a physical relationship with. There’s tons people in general ready for the physical act. The powerfulness between connecting with another’s mind, can bring the sex world into a whole other level (if you reach that point).
If I’m in a relationship or marriage, find myself emotionally connected more so with a stranger, HUGE problem. That means, my person lost the most intimate part of me. For me, hard to come back from.
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Keep_on_cardio wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?
I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.
Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.
Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.
I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.
I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.
It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.
To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.
I do appreciate hearing thoughts, from someone who personally doesn’t believe an emotional affair is cheating.
I will give a little insight, as why for myself it’s a huge thing. I personally don’t feel it’s hard to find someone to have a physical relationship with. There’s tons people in general ready for the physical act. The powerfulness between connecting with another’s mind, can bring the sex world into a whole other level (if you reach that point).
If I’m in a relationship or marriage, find myself emotionally connected more so with a stranger, HUGE problem. That means, my person lost the most intimate part of me. For me, hard to come back from.
Girl I agree with this 100%. Sex and physical attraction are so easy to come by. But mental attraction... Once someone connects to your mind and soul, that's when you're in trouble! I speak from experience.5 -
H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.
I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.6
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