WHY do people CHEAT?
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Keep_on_cardio wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?
If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?
I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.
Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.
Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.
I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.
I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.
It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.
To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.
I do appreciate hearing thoughts, from someone who personally doesn’t believe an emotional affair is cheating.
I will give a little insight, as why for myself it’s a huge thing. I personally don’t feel it’s hard to find someone to have a physical relationship with. There’s tons people in general ready for the physical act. The powerfulness between connecting with another’s mind, can bring the sex world into a whole other level (if you reach that point).
If I’m in a relationship or marriage, find myself emotionally connected more so with a stranger, HUGE problem. That means, my person lost the most intimate part of me. For me, hard to come back from.
Girl I agree with this 100%. Sex and physical attraction are so easy to come by. But mental attraction... Once someone connects to your mind and soul, that's when you're in trouble! I speak from experience.
100% agree with this. In fact mental attraction can lead to physical attraction when it may not have been there initially. In my opinion of course.
Yeah but the honeymoon stage wears off...I have seen couples that have been together for a number of years and they cheated on their former spouses with each other and believe me the honeymoon stage and all the roses and champagne is long gone.
What I find funny is that the cheater it is never their fault why their marriage is not working out..it is always the other spouse of course...because they are perfect but their spouse is not giving them what they need...BAER!
I also believe that half the time, what’s referred to the “honeymoon stage”, is realistically the period of time to which couples overlook red flags because of being in infatuation.
I understand life would’ve been different, if i worked on me first before building a forever commitment. I’m forever grateful for my babies, so I wouldn’t do it differently. I do believe in creating goals, a lifestyle and a future, with someone who sees the same ultimate vision. The right person doesn’t need a build a map guide, on how to treat me and for me to teach him what I need from him, as my partner. I find partnerships to be just that, both giving and helping one another. If one person apologizes for something, the apology comes with changed behavior and doesn’t bring on cycled patterns.
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I guess to me it seems different when someone sets out to find someone as opposed to wow they met someone thru work, etc. and huge chemistry...I kind of get how things can happen with the unexpected chemistry thing as opposed to "I am going to sign up on Ashley M. and see if I can find someone to cheat with"
...not saying that just because you meet someone unexpectedly and you are attracted to them means that you act on it but I can see where that could lead to something not good if you go with it...
I admit I went on Ashley M. out of curiousity (when I found out about H) to see and honestly most of the guys (at least in my age group late 40s and up) were less than attractive..I can't see myself contacting one of them just for the hell of it to sleep with someone else...yuck!2 -
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your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
Something tells me this lot couldn't play Monopoly without it devolving into a giant fiasco, anyway. :laugh:2 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
Something tells me this lot couldn't play Monopoly without it devolving into a giant fiasco, anyway. :laugh:
do not pass go without-
y’know what? i’d better not finish that thought0 -
honestly...becuz they feel like doing so1
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isadorahoefelva wrote: »honestly...becuz they feel like doing so
Simple as that, it's not that complexed.
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Me and my hubby allow each other this freedom every now and then. Of course it‘s not called cheating anymore when you have permission. But to get there where we are today took a lot of communication. We both cheated on each other after being together for 5 years for the excitement. We are 26 years together now and super happy with each other. It can be a positive thing for some couples.8
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I found a quiz for worried lovers that gives the indication if she or he is cheating. I hope it can be helpful for those who has expressed personal interest in the topic.
https://worriedlovers.com/why-do-people-cheat-lp/?s4=Cj0KCQjwoebsBRCHARIsAC3JP0I0HA_Gmq1YyM9USkoWcZlQyCrS3in_AvDXA-UgVCCtYaxmc6LrpzIaArM_EALw_wcB&gclid=Cj0KCQjwoebsBRCHARIsAC3JP0I0HA_Gmq1YyM9USkoWcZlQyCrS3in_AvDXA-UgVCCtYaxmc6LrpzIaArM_EALw_wcB0 -
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biggiwig4483 wrote: »Me and my hubby allow each other this freedom every now and then. Of course it‘s not called cheating anymore when you have permission. But to get there where we are today took a lot of communication. We both cheated on each other after being together for 5 years for the excitement. We are 26 years together now and super happy with each other. It can be a positive thing for some couples.
Who cheated first?0 -
I have not read this entire thread but just chiming in that I think most women I know who cheat are doing it because they've reached their late 30s to early 40s and their husbands have started to treat them like "Mommy" (to the kids but also kind of to HIM) instead of wife/lover. They want to be treated like a girlfriend again while they're still relatively young, but they don't want to actually get a divorce and uproot everyone's lives.
I've never cheated, not a mom, etc. But I see this a LOT. This scenario usually seems to be the reason. Quite a few of them do end up leaving in the end, but others go back to their husbands and don't cheat again.5 -
seltzermint555 wrote: »I have not read this entire thread but just chiming in that I think most women I know who cheat are doing it because they've reached their late 30s to early 40s and their husbands have started to treat them like "Mommy" (to the kids but also kind of to HIM) instead of wife/lover. They want to be treated like a girlfriend again while they're still relatively young, but they don't want to actually get a divorce and uproot everyone's lives.
I've never cheated, not a mom, etc. But I see this a LOT. This scenario usually seems to be the reason. Quite a few of them do end up leaving in the end, but others go back to their husbands and don't cheat again.
I haven't cheated but my hubby started calling me "momma", just out of habit, and I asked him to stop and explained I want him to think of me as his woman, not his children's momma, especially now that our children are adults and out of the house. He has done really well with that request and in turn I've quit calling him "sir" which he hated but had never told me before. Communication is IMPORTANT!7 -
seltzermint555 wrote: »I have not read this entire thread but just chiming in that I think most women I know who cheat are doing it because they've reached their late 30s to early 40s and their husbands have started to treat them like "Mommy" (to the kids but also kind of to HIM) instead of wife/lover. They want to be treated like a girlfriend again while they're still relatively young, but they don't want to actually get a divorce and uproot everyone's lives.
I've never cheated, not a mom, etc. But I see this a LOT. This scenario usually seems to be the reason. Quite a few of them do end up leaving in the end, but others go back to their husbands and don't cheat again.
I believe this. I remember a friend of mine saying that one of the things she did that caught her husband's eye (favourably) when they first met was something he didn't want her doing any more once she was "the mother of his children". Bit of a dichotomy there.5 -
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seltzermint555 wrote: »I have not read this entire thread but just chiming in that I think most women I know who cheat are doing it because they've reached their late 30s to early 40s and their husbands have started to treat them like "Mommy" (to the kids but also kind of to HIM) instead of wife/lover. They want to be treated like a girlfriend again while they're still relatively young, but they don't want to actually get a divorce and uproot everyone's lives.
I've never cheated, not a mom, etc. But I see this a LOT. This scenario usually seems to be the reason. Quite a few of them do end up leaving in the end, but others go back to their husbands and don't cheat again.
What's the difference in treatment between "mommy" and a girlfriend?1 -
BasedGawd412 wrote: »seltzermint555 wrote: »I have not read this entire thread but just chiming in that I think most women I know who cheat are doing it because they've reached their late 30s to early 40s and their husbands have started to treat them like "Mommy" (to the kids but also kind of to HIM) instead of wife/lover. They want to be treated like a girlfriend again while they're still relatively young, but they don't want to actually get a divorce and uproot everyone's lives.
I've never cheated, not a mom, etc. But I see this a LOT. This scenario usually seems to be the reason. Quite a few of them do end up leaving in the end, but others go back to their husbands and don't cheat again.
What's the difference in treatment between "mommy" and a girlfriend?
I can't speak to this with any real accuracy as I'm not a parent. But from talking with friends, I get that it's more of a habit than a conscious decision for a lot of their husbands. A way of treating the mother in the family like a de-sexualized female who is in charge of all things domestic, and no longer an individual or a lover ("girlfriend"). Women I know who have had affairs at this point seem to love the attention of a man who is viewing them more as an individual with her own interests & ideas that are completely NOT related to the kid(s)...and a sexy female...rather than "just the mom of his kids". For a lot of women this is extremely appealing and some of them are very desperate for this type of attention, especially if their husbands (some of them) started treating them as The Mommy immediately after the 1st child is born.
Please know I don't think this has to happen, by any means, nor does it happen in every marriage...I know A LOT of couples who have never fallen into these patterns, or only VERY briefly after a child's birth.
But it does seem to happen.7 -
Hip_to_be_square wrote: »InspectorRed wrote: »seltzermint555 wrote: »I have not read this entire thread but just chiming in that I think most women I know who cheat are doing it because they've reached their late 30s to early 40s and their husbands have started to treat them like "Mommy" (to the kids but also kind of to HIM) instead of wife/lover. They want to be treated like a girlfriend again while they're still relatively young, but they don't want to actually get a divorce and uproot everyone's lives.
I've never cheated, not a mom, etc. But I see this a LOT. This scenario usually seems to be the reason. Quite a few of them do end up leaving in the end, but others go back to their husbands and don't cheat again.
I haven't cheated but my hubby started calling me "momma", just out of habit, and I asked him to stop and explained I want him to think of me as his woman, not his children's momma, especially now that our children are adults and out of the house. He has done really well with that request and in turn I've quit calling him "sir" which he hated but had never told me before. Communication is IMPORTANT!
If one of the kids asked your husband a question and he directed them to you, would he say "Ask your mom" to the kid or "Ask *insert name*"?
He says ask "your mom". And his parents call each other "mom & dad" so it was definitely not a conscience choice for him, just a habit. But we went thru a really rough patch about 5 years ago, came real close to calling it quits, but we have worked on "us" and our communication since then and so when i asked him to stop calling me or even referring to me as momma, he did.3 -
BasedGawd412 wrote: »biggiwig4483 wrote: »Me and my hubby allow each other this freedom every now and then. Of course it‘s not called cheating anymore when you have permission. But to get there where we are today took a lot of communication. We both cheated on each other after being together for 5 years for the excitement. We are 26 years together now and super happy with each other. It can be a positive thing for some couples.
Who cheated first?
Does it matter?1
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