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Unwanted advice at gym
Replies
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »Call me non-sociable, or whatever, but I really don't want to be talking to anyone at the gym, period. There is a big difference in being polite and saying hello, to giving advice or inquiring about someone else's workout. That annoys me to no end, and especially in this situation I would have probably told the guy to *kitten* off. I just want to get in there, do my work, and leave. People who do this are either making a very poor attempt at flirting, or are trying to feed their ego. I wish there was one gym we could ship all these people off to. That would be pretty entertaining actually, to see all these bro types critiquing each other and trying to determine who has the most perfect form. Thats reality tv I would watch.
Assuming from your photo/avatar you're male, if you told him to kitten off, he wouldn't have called you a b***h or a c**t, which is actually on the low end of what women have to be aware could happen if they tell a jerk offering unsolicited advice, compliments, or invitations "no".
That may be true, but I don't understand what that has to do with what I said, or why you feel the need to critique what I said. I simply stated how I would react in that situation, but I wasn't telling the OP how she should have reacted. I think she has the right to react however she feels fit. I am male, which is why I was voicing my frustration with other males that act like this in the gym.
OK. I don't think interpreting exchanges in the format:
X: I had this experience that really bothered me
Y: Here's what I would do in that situation
as Y offering advice on how to handle the situation is a bizarre interpretation, absent some kind of disclaimer like, "but that's just me."
But that's just me.
Last line of the OP's post reads:
Has anyone else had an experience like this? How did you handle it? Do you think its okay to go around giving advice to strangers?
I simply answered these questions. Never at any point did I tell OP what I thought they should do, because she didn't ask what she should have done. She asked how did you handle it? Seeing that I am a male, and I am answering for myself, I just answered how I would have reacted. I do my best not to criticize other people's words without really knowing them, the whole situation, or their intentions. I think interpreting exchanges, or making assumptions about what another person is saying is a bad idea. But that's just me.
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So no one would say anything to people who are using machines like this? K.
<snip video for reply length>
I'm still in the "tell the staff there's a problem" camp, predominantly.
If the staff can't be found, and circumstances politely and safely allow**, I'd consider an interaction (during a set break, say) along the lines of 'Wow, I've never seen the machine used like that! Where did you learn to do it that way, and what do you find it helpful for?" and see if there's an opportunity to suggest something safer, if only obliquely.
** There is, I've found, a kind of "li'l ol' lady privilege", where people expect us to be a bit honest/unfiltered/over-friendly, so they'll let us get away with saying stuff that others couldn't. (I don't make a regular habit of this; I'm just aware of it as a possibility.) OTOH, I'm not super big or strong, and some wrong-headed people can be very aggressive very abruptly, so situation-reading would be required.
For example, as a senior (in every sense) member of my rowing club, I recognize by sight the rowers who just learned to row, and will - as pleasantly and non-accusatorily as I can muster - remind them of safety practices that they were taught in class, or help them learn/practice safety-related skills they obviously haven't quite learned yet, if I see them on the dock or out on the water doing something whacky. But this is a very different social setting than a normal gym, too.
So much this!
I have no qualms about (gently) chiding someone who, for example, is being horribly verbally abusive to a cashier or a store employee, especially if the abuser is trying to intimidate or frighten the employee into doing or giving them something to which they clearly aren't entitled.
I find I can get away with this because who's gonna punch an old lady out? If they counter with abusive vitriol, I've found that in any battle of words, they are generally bringing a pea-shooter to a gun fight.
PS: I'm not stupid enough to engage someone who is clearly deranged, under the influence of some kind of substance or simply plain ol' dangerous. But I will try and gently take their focus off of their target long enough so they can call security.
PSPS: I live in Canada, so the fear of someone whackadoo pulling a gun on me is extremely remote. I would definitely not do this in other parts of the world.
Tl;dr? I'm done with a**holes and bullies in my life.
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snickerscharlie wrote: »So no one would say anything to people who are using machines like this? K.
<snip video for reply length>
I'm still in the "tell the staff there's a problem" camp, predominantly.
If the staff can't be found, and circumstances politely and safely allow**, I'd consider an interaction (during a set break, say) along the lines of 'Wow, I've never seen the machine used like that! Where did you learn to do it that way, and what do you find it helpful for?" and see if there's an opportunity to suggest something safer, if only obliquely.
** There is, I've found, a kind of "li'l ol' lady privilege", where people expect us to be a bit honest/unfiltered/over-friendly, so they'll let us get away with saying stuff that others couldn't. (I don't make a regular habit of this; I'm just aware of it as a possibility.) OTOH, I'm not super big or strong, and some wrong-headed people can be very aggressive very abruptly, so situation-reading would be required.
For example, as a senior (in every sense) member of my rowing club, I recognize by sight the rowers who just learned to row, and will - as pleasantly and non-accusatorily as I can muster - remind them of safety practices that they were taught in class, or help them learn/practice safety-related skills they obviously haven't quite learned yet, if I see them on the dock or out on the water doing something whacky. But this is a very different social setting than a normal gym, too.
So much this!
I have no qualms about (gently) chiding someone who, for example, is being horribly verbally abusive to a cashier or a store employee, especially if the abuser is trying to intimidate or frighten the employee into doing or giving them something to which they clearly aren't entitled.
I find I can get away with this because who's gonna punch an old lady out? If they counter with abusive vitriol, I've found that in any battle of words, they are generally bringing a pea-shooter to a gun fight.
PS: I'm not stupid enough to engage someone who is clearly deranged, under the influence of some kind of substance or simply plain ol' dangerous. But I will try and gently take their focus off of their target long enough so they can call security.
PSPS: I live in Canada, so the fear of someone whackadoo pulling a gun on me is extremely remote. I would definitely not do this in other parts of the world.
Tl;dr? I'm done with a**holes and bullies in my life.
What? No guns in the Yukon? What about the Grizzlies? 😲0 -
psychod787 wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »So no one would say anything to people who are using machines like this? K.
<snip video for reply length>
I'm still in the "tell the staff there's a problem" camp, predominantly.
If the staff can't be found, and circumstances politely and safely allow**, I'd consider an interaction (during a set break, say) along the lines of 'Wow, I've never seen the machine used like that! Where did you learn to do it that way, and what do you find it helpful for?" and see if there's an opportunity to suggest something safer, if only obliquely.
** There is, I've found, a kind of "li'l ol' lady privilege", where people expect us to be a bit honest/unfiltered/over-friendly, so they'll let us get away with saying stuff that others couldn't. (I don't make a regular habit of this; I'm just aware of it as a possibility.) OTOH, I'm not super big or strong, and some wrong-headed people can be very aggressive very abruptly, so situation-reading would be required.
For example, as a senior (in every sense) member of my rowing club, I recognize by sight the rowers who just learned to row, and will - as pleasantly and non-accusatorily as I can muster - remind them of safety practices that they were taught in class, or help them learn/practice safety-related skills they obviously haven't quite learned yet, if I see them on the dock or out on the water doing something whacky. But this is a very different social setting than a normal gym, too.
So much this!
I have no qualms about (gently) chiding someone who, for example, is being horribly verbally abusive to a cashier or a store employee, especially if the abuser is trying to intimidate or frighten the employee into doing or giving them something to which they clearly aren't entitled.
I find I can get away with this because who's gonna punch an old lady out? If they counter with abusive vitriol, I've found that in any battle of words, they are generally bringing a pea-shooter to a gun fight.
PS: I'm not stupid enough to engage someone who is clearly deranged, under the influence of some kind of substance or simply plain ol' dangerous. But I will try and gently take their focus off of their target long enough so they can call security.
PSPS: I live in Canada, so the fear of someone whackadoo pulling a gun on me is extremely remote. I would definitely not do this in other parts of the world.
Tl;dr? I'm done with a**holes and bullies in my life.
What? No guns in the Yukon? What about the Grizzlies? 😲
Bear repellent. 2 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »Call me non-sociable, or whatever, but I really don't want to be talking to anyone at the gym, period. There is a big difference in being polite and saying hello, to giving advice or inquiring about someone else's workout. That annoys me to no end, and especially in this situation I would have probably told the guy to *kitten* off. I just want to get in there, do my work, and leave. People who do this are either making a very poor attempt at flirting, or are trying to feed their ego. I wish there was one gym we could ship all these people off to. That would be pretty entertaining actually, to see all these bro types critiquing each other and trying to determine who has the most perfect form. Thats reality tv I would watch.
Assuming from your photo/avatar you're male, if you told him to kitten off, he wouldn't have called you a b***h or a c**t, which is actually on the low end of what women have to be aware could happen if they tell a jerk offering unsolicited advice, compliments, or invitations "no".
That may be true, but I don't understand what that has to do with what I said, or why you feel the need to critique what I said. I simply stated how I would react in that situation, but I wasn't telling the OP how she should have reacted. I think she has the right to react however she feels fit. I am male, which is why I was voicing my frustration with other males that act like this in the gym.
OK. I don't think interpreting exchanges in the format:
X: I had this experience that really bothered me
Y: Here's what I would do in that situation
as Y offering advice on how to handle the situation is a bizarre interpretation, absent some kind of disclaimer like, "but that's just me."
But that's just me.
Last line of the OP's post reads:
Has anyone else had an experience like this? How did you handle it? Do you think its okay to go around giving advice to strangers?
I simply answered these questions. Never at any point did I tell OP what I thought they should do, because she didn't ask what she should have done. She asked how did you handle it? Seeing that I am a male, and I am answering for myself, I just answered how I would have reacted. I do my best not to criticize other people's words without really knowing them, the whole situation, or their intentions. I think interpreting exchanges, or making assumptions about what another person is saying is a bad idea. But that's just me.
Then why did you assume my first response to your statement of how you would behave was a criticism of you rather than the observation that it might not turn out well for OP if she followed your example? Because that's what it was. An observation.2 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »Call me non-sociable, or whatever, but I really don't want to be talking to anyone at the gym, period. There is a big difference in being polite and saying hello, to giving advice or inquiring about someone else's workout. That annoys me to no end, and especially in this situation I would have probably told the guy to *kitten* off. I just want to get in there, do my work, and leave. People who do this are either making a very poor attempt at flirting, or are trying to feed their ego. I wish there was one gym we could ship all these people off to. That would be pretty entertaining actually, to see all these bro types critiquing each other and trying to determine who has the most perfect form. Thats reality tv I would watch.
Assuming from your photo/avatar you're male, if you told him to kitten off, he wouldn't have called you a b***h or a c**t, which is actually on the low end of what women have to be aware could happen if they tell a jerk offering unsolicited advice, compliments, or invitations "no".
That may be true, but I don't understand what that has to do with what I said, or why you feel the need to critique what I said. I simply stated how I would react in that situation, but I wasn't telling the OP how she should have reacted. I think she has the right to react however she feels fit. I am male, which is why I was voicing my frustration with other males that act like this in the gym.
OK. I don't think interpreting exchanges in the format:
X: I had this experience that really bothered me
Y: Here's what I would do in that situation
as Y offering advice on how to handle the situation is a bizarre interpretation, absent some kind of disclaimer like, "but that's just me."
But that's just me.
Last line of the OP's post reads:
Has anyone else had an experience like this? How did you handle it? Do you think its okay to go around giving advice to strangers?
I simply answered these questions. Never at any point did I tell OP what I thought they should do, because she didn't ask what she should have done. She asked how did you handle it? Seeing that I am a male, and I am answering for myself, I just answered how I would have reacted. I do my best not to criticize other people's words without really knowing them, the whole situation, or their intentions. I think interpreting exchanges, or making assumptions about what another person is saying is a bad idea. But that's just me.
Then why did you assume my first response to your statement of how you would behave was a criticism of you rather than the observation that it might not turn out well for OP if she followed your example? Because that's what it was. An observation.
You're backpedaling now. If your first post was simply an observation, then why would you claim that I should have included a disclaimer saying "but that's just me" in your second post? You were quick to misinterpret what I originally said and changing your position now seems pretty childish. But again, that's just my opinion.12 -
If I saw a machine being misused and I was concerned the person would be hurt or the machine would be broken through misuse I would definitely approach a staff member. Let them handle it and decide what to do.
On the theme of actual gym equipment misuse I have to admit I got a laugh out some of the things that happened in this youtube video. People do weird *kitten* but it is not up to me to police them.
https://youtu.be/FBvq3kyA5X8 3 -
This happened to me once with deadlifts. A personal trainer (who also happened to own the gym) taught me how to do them over a period of several weeks. He was very concerned with making sure I had good form before adding any kind of weight.
A guy thought he should comment on my form, I think I just sounded confused and said “my personal trainer said it was fine?”
I’m sorry you had to deal w that op. You deserve to feel comfortable at the gym.4 -
rheddmobile wrote: »I feel like this thread has gotten away from everyone. Being bugged by a jerk at the gym is an annoyance, not a tragedy. Yes, it’s true that women (I am one) need to worry about potential predators when accosted by strangers, but this guy didn’t do anything criminal, he was just rude.
The whole other conversation about men and self control is a whole other conversation.
For those gentlemen reading who don’t understand how to approach a woman in public without being rude - pro tip: if you approach a person you find sexually attractive whom you don’t know in any situation or for any reason in which you would not approach someone you had no sexual interest in, you’re doing it wrong. Showing sexual interest in people is something best done after meeting them and finding out if they like you at all. This guy actually had the right idea starting out, he pretended to be interested in her form. Unfortunately he was terrible at pretending, terrible at taking an interest in her form, and his bad attitude to her response made it clear he had other motivations.
Part of consent is that the other person has to be able to say no. In this case, if you parsed the motives for the conversation it might go something like this:
“Hey, are you interested in talking about weight lifting with me? I’m great at patronizing, unsolicited advice.”
“Uh, you seem like a jerk, no thanks.”
“Hey, where do you get off saying no? You hurt my feelings and now you have to make me feel better by telling me it’s not my fault that you don’t want to talk to me. Also, you have to keep talking to me.”
Nope, nope, she doesn’t. She doesn’t have to make him feel better that she now seems pissed off, and she doesn’t have to keep talking to him. And if he keeps insisting, very shortly this crosses the line from innocent bad flirtation to “I’m going to call gym staff, then maybe the police if this keeps up.”
This is really concise and well expressed.
On a kinda related note: I've frequently heard other men assert that they didn't understand how starting a conversation, complimenting a woman, or calling a woman a name like "honey" could be creepy and threatening. A way of framing this that made immediate sense to me was this: guys, don't every say anything to a woman that you would be uncomfortable hearing from a 300 pound strongman in a prison cafeteria.22 -
rheddmobile wrote: »I feel like this thread has gotten away from everyone. Being bugged by a jerk at the gym is an annoyance, not a tragedy. Yes, it’s true that women (I am one) need to worry about potential predators when accosted by strangers, but this guy didn’t do anything criminal, he was just rude.
The whole other conversation about men and self control is a whole other conversation.
For those gentlemen reading who don’t understand how to approach a woman in public without being rude - pro tip: if you approach a person you find sexually attractive whom you don’t know in any situation or for any reason in which you would not approach someone you had no sexual interest in, you’re doing it wrong. Showing sexual interest in people is something best done after meeting them and finding out if they like you at all. This guy actually had the right idea starting out, he pretended to be interested in her form. Unfortunately he was terrible at pretending, terrible at taking an interest in her form, and his bad attitude to her response made it clear he had other motivations.
Part of consent is that the other person has to be able to say no. In this case, if you parsed the motives for the conversation it might go something like this:
“Hey, are you interested in talking about weight lifting with me? I’m great at patronizing, unsolicited advice.”
“Uh, you seem like a jerk, no thanks.”
“Hey, where do you get off saying no? You hurt my feelings and now you have to make me feel better by telling me it’s not my fault that you don’t want to talk to me. Also, you have to keep talking to me.”
Nope, nope, she doesn’t. She doesn’t have to make him feel better that she now seems pissed off, and she doesn’t have to keep talking to him. And if he keeps insisting, very shortly this crosses the line from innocent bad flirtation to “I’m going to call gym staff, then maybe the police if this keeps up.”
This is really concise and well expressed.
On a kinda related note: I've frequently heard other men assert that they didn't understand how starting a conversation, complimenting a woman, or calling a woman a name like "honey" could be creepy and threatening. A way of framing this that made immediate sense to me was this: guys, don't every say anything to a woman that you would be uncomfortable hearing from a 300 pound strongman in a prison cafeteria.
It has been my experience that many women have decent instincts that are probably and unfortunately honed by lots of negative experiences. If a guy approaches a woman to talk about the weather and he is mentally objectifying her she might still find him creepy. Alternatively if you actually care that a woman is comfortable there is a good chance she will be.
I am not disagreeing that the content of what is said is important too though.
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It's mansplaining pure and simple....probably was looking for an introduction. It's something that really puts me off going to the Gym, so I work out at home instead. You handled the situation correctly. Just ignore them and they go away.....1
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Hey guys so just an update incase anybody is interested. I've seen this guy a couple of times since and he always chooses the workout station facing me. It makes me uncomfortable but i just try to avoid eye contact and get on with it. Today when I finished training and was about to leave i saw him hang around at the entrance he was leaving to. I saw him standing there and didnt want to bump into him so i tried to mess with my phone for a bit and put my coat on to give him a chance to leave but he was still standing there and i had to leave for work so i decided to just go. When I walked past he asked could he make a phone call on my phone because his went dead and he needed to call his sister. I stupidly gave him my phone. I know that wasnt the smartest move but I just felt so akward and put on the spot. Then he started asking how was training and asking me my name.10
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One time this girl with a rat face and the body of a praying mantis told me I was going to “hurt myself” doing tricep dips off of a bench. I laughed and said mind ya business. There’s a reason that even at my most out of shape, I am more built than you
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mentallyinmaldives wrote: »One time this girl with a rat face and the body of a praying mantis told me I was going to “hurt myself” doing tricep dips off of a bench. I laughed and said mind ya business. There’s a reason that even at my most out of shape, I am more built than you
Even if she was wrong, and your form was fine, I think you come off as the bigger *kitten* in this scenario. Insulting her looks and talking about how built you are just makes you look like as big of a creep as the guy described by the OP.29 -
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Hey guys so just an update incase anybody is interested. I've seen this guy a couple of times since and he always chooses the workout station facing me. It makes me uncomfortable but i just try to avoid eye contact and get on with it. Today when I finished training and was about to leave i saw him hang around at the entrance he was leaving to. I saw him standing there and didnt want to bump into him so i tried to mess with my phone for a bit and put my coat on to give him a chance to leave but he was still standing there and i had to leave for work so i decided to just go. When I walked past he asked could he make a phone call on my phone because his went dead and he needed to call his sister. I stupidly gave him my phone. I know that wasnt the smartest move but I just felt so akward and put on the spot. Then he started asking how was training and asking me my name.
It appears his interest in you is not going to go away without encouragement. Also, even if he did not call his own phone he could easily ask his sister for your number. If he contacts you at all through your phone that is way over the line.2 -
mentallyinmaldives wrote: »One time this girl with a rat face and the body of a praying mantis told me I was going to “hurt myself” doing tricep dips off of a bench. I laughed and said mind ya business. There’s a reason that even at my most out of shape, I am more built than you
I hope you are joking and this is just a really terrible joke.5 -
Hey guys so just an update incase anybody is interested. I've seen this guy a couple of times since and he always chooses the workout station facing me. It makes me uncomfortable but i just try to avoid eye contact and get on with it. Today when I finished training and was about to leave i saw him hang around at the entrance he was leaving to. I saw him standing there and didnt want to bump into him so i tried to mess with my phone for a bit and put my coat on to give him a chance to leave but he was still standing there and i had to leave for work so i decided to just go. When I walked past he asked could he make a phone call on my phone because his went dead and he needed to call his sister. I stupidly gave him my phone. I know that wasnt the smartest move but I just felt so akward and put on the spot. Then he started asking how was training and asking me my name.
Be direct and let him know you are not interested.
With the phone if something like this happens I ask people what the number is and dial it for them and call on their behalf. You wouldn't hand a stranger several hundred dollars packed with private sensitive information, but we tend to forget how critical our phones are.11 -
Hey guys so just an update incase anybody is interested. I've seen this guy a couple of times since and he always chooses the workout station facing me. It makes me uncomfortable but i just try to avoid eye contact and get on with it. Today when I finished training and was about to leave i saw him hang around at the entrance he was leaving to. I saw him standing there and didnt want to bump into him so i tried to mess with my phone for a bit and put my coat on to give him a chance to leave but he was still standing there and i had to leave for work so i decided to just go. When I walked past he asked could he make a phone call on my phone because his went dead and he needed to call his sister. I stupidly gave him my phone. I know that wasnt the smartest move but I just felt so akward and put on the spot. Then he started asking how was training and asking me my name.
Given that it sounds like this person is escalating their behavior, don't be afraid or hesitant to talk to someone in management about what's going on.14
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