WHY do people CHEAT?
Replies
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Finishiitnow wrote: »Maybe human beings are not made to be with just one person. Are we?
Those human beings who feel that they aren't "made" to be with one person shouldn't pretend to be something they're not. Just be perpetually single and sow those wild oats forever, don't mess with someone else's emotions.
100% agree.
All those cheaters and polyamorous people should just stay single.
Or find yourself a like-minded partner who truly wants to have a polyamorous or open relationship. They probably have dating sites for just that.
Be open. Be honest. Don't hurt people who believe you're something you're not. Especially not kids who have to deal with the fabric of their family being torn apart.7 -
Finishiitnow wrote: »Maybe human beings are not made to be with just one person. Are we?
I think human beings are complex enough that you can't use a blanket statement about our sexual behavior. Some people are undoubtedly well suited to monogamy, some people undoubtedly are not. You probably need to view it the way a lot of people are starting to view sexual preference, on a sliding scale. Some people are straight, some people are gay, and some people are in between. In a similar way, some people are monogamous, some are polygamous, and some are in between.
Personally, in my life, I've really tried to get to a point where I don't judge anybody that's not doing something illegal. I personally think cheating is wrong, but I can't put out a blanket statement like "Everyone who cheats is a bad person." I've made far too many mistakes in my own life to judge anyone else.
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Finishiitnow wrote: »Maybe human beings are not made to be with just one person. Are we?
I think human beings are complex enough that you can't use a blanket statement about our sexual behavior. Some people are undoubtedly well suited to monogamy, some people undoubtedly are not. You probably need to view it the way a lot of people are starting to view sexual preference, on a sliding scale. Some people are straight, some people are gay, and some people are in between. In a similar way, some people are monogamous, some are polygamous, and some are in between.
Personally, in my life, I've really tried to get to a point where I don't judge anybody that's not doing something illegal. I personally think cheating is wrong, but I can't put out a blanket statement like "Everyone who cheats is a bad person." I've made far too many mistakes in my own life to judge anyone else.
I agree. For some monogamy is what works and what they want. For others, not. Ultimately it comes down to know oneself and communicating as best you can with others.3 -
I just wonder what are the thoughts that pass before, during and after having an affair?
The feelings of excitement, pleasure, fear and regret combined must be a unique situation.
Your thoughts?2 -
Finishiitnow wrote: »Maybe human beings are not made to be with just one person. Are we?
I think human beings are complex enough that you can't use a blanket statement about our sexual behavior. Some people are undoubtedly well suited to monogamy, some people undoubtedly are not. You probably need to view it the way a lot of people are starting to view sexual preference, on a sliding scale. Some people are straight, some people are gay, and some people are in between. In a similar way, some people are monogamous, some are polygamous, and some are in between.
Personally, in my life, I've really tried to get to a point where I don't judge anybody that's not doing something illegal. I personally think cheating is wrong, but I can't put out a blanket statement like "Everyone who cheats is a bad person." I've made far too many mistakes in my own life to judge anyone else.
I sincerely admire that capacity of free judgment. That is awesome1 -
Finishiitnow wrote: »I just wonder what are the thoughts that pass before, during and after having an affair?
The feelings of excitement, pleasure, fear and regret combined must be a unique situation.
Your thoughts?
I've always heard that the opportunity presents itself first, then the justifications (my partner isn't making an effort, my partner doesn't meet my needs, etc) follow.1 -
Are we as mammals designed to be monogamous?3
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If i were the marrying kind I’d set my heart on you.tinkerhellraiser wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
ya like maybe the aliens that colonized the planet wanted the monkeys to eventually develop a society that gave tax breaks and/or better divorce settlements if u didn’t cheat like macaroni penguins and gibbons
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your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
Helllloooo!!
You haven't heard of Dolce & Gabbana? (they designed my pecs)
...... Glutes by Versace.
Abs by.... Colonel Sanders4 -
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tinkerhellraiser wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
ya like maybe the aliens that colonized the planet wanted the monkeys to eventually develop a society that gave tax breaks and/or better divorce settlements if u didn’t cheat like macaroni penguins and gibbons
I laughed too hard at this. :laugh: I should feel bad, but I don't.1 -
Finishiitnow wrote: »I just wonder what are the thoughts that pass before, during and after having an affair?
The feelings of excitement, pleasure, fear and regret combined must be a unique situation.
Your thoughts?
Speaking from an emotional affair standpoint (which my husband doesn’t consider an affair and yes, he’s knows 🤷🏻♀️) For me and what i felt, i consider it an affair, so it’s interesting to see different thoughts (if you physically did the act or not).
Before: I was focusing on getting back in shape (mentally and physically) to place myself first. I had pulled myself out of deep depression. I already told myself, I was done with my marriage. We had years of patterned ups and downs. I just got to the point of I can’t do this anymore, as partners.
Then came along someone I Thought was encouraging, said the right things and yet not entirely believable. What was shared, was enough to peek my interest and unsure whether or not to trust my inner instincts. (I should’ve! Lol). That gut instinct is the truth.
During: I knew I wouldn’t meet this person physically, was nice to hear positive things and yet certain conversations were out of my comfort zone. I did not fully trust. I had questions, I asked them directly when I was unsure. Then I caught the person in lies and pretty much doing everything with me, with others.
After: I learned it was Bs. I was shattered, felt shamed and embarrassed for my behavior, conversation especially with my title “a married woman”. I felt I was honest about who I was and my at home life. I felt the person that I shared too much with, wasn’t the person he portrayed to be.
What did I learn? I learned when one thinks they’re depressed, might just be the bad environment you’re in. I have a couple pictures from that short lived time, with genuine smiles. I do understand, I can have a genuine connection one day with someone. I learned pay attention to red flags and listen to your inner gut instinct. I realized I had more self work to do, refocus back on taking care of myself and not to fall for same tricks. I thought about my trust issues and told myself, not to think everyone is the same. I can’t build a bubble with thinking bad experiences means there’s not something good out there. I also have learned time tells all and not to give too much early on. I also have found that the internet will not be where I’ll find a connection. I have found conversations more interesting, when you connect naturally and conversation isn’t coursed. I learned from that whole experience that a divorce was most definitely coming (still is). I’m filling out the papers I printed, this weekend.
I took what I went through and truly thought about the overall situation. I still believe, the right person your mind and body doesn’t wander or ponder with thoughts of being with someone else.9 -
Keep_on_cardio wrote: »Finishiitnow wrote: »I just wonder what are the thoughts that pass before, during and after having an affair?
The feelings of excitement, pleasure, fear and regret combined must be a unique situation.
Your thoughts?
Speaking from an emotional affair standpoint (which my husband doesn’t consider an affair and yes, he’s knows 🤷🏻♀️) For me and what i felt, i consider it an affair, so it’s interesting to see different thoughts (if you physically did the act or not).
Before: I was focusing on getting back in shape (mentally and physically) to place myself first. I had pulled myself out of deep depression. I already told myself, I was done with my marriage. We had years of patterned ups and downs. I just got to the point of I can’t do this anymore, as partners.
Then came along someone I Thought was encouraging, said the right things and yet not entirely believable. What was shared, was enough to peek my interest and unsure whether or not to trust my inner instincts. (I should’ve! Lol). That gut instinct is the truth.
During: I knew I wouldn’t meet this person physically, was nice to hear positive things and yet certain conversations were out of my comfort zone. I did not fully trust. I had questions, I asked them directly when I was unsure. Then I caught the person in lies and pretty much doing everything with me, with others.
After: I learned it was Bs. I was shattered, felt shamed and embarrassed for my behavior, conversation especially with my title “a married woman”. I felt I was honest about who I was and my at home life. I felt the person that I shared too much with, wasn’t the person he portrayed to be.
What did I learn? I learned when one thinks they’re depressed, might just be the bad environment you’re in. I have a couple pictures from that short lived time, with genuine smiles. I do understand, I can have a genuine connection one day with someone. I learned pay attention to red flags and listen to your inner gut instinct. I realized I had more self work to do, refocus back on taking care of myself and not to fall for same tricks. I thought about my trust issues and told myself, not to think everyone is the same. I can’t build a bubble with thinking bad experiences means there’s not something good out there. I also have learned time tells all and not to give too much early on. I also have found that the internet will not be where I’ll find a connection. I have found conversations more interesting, when you connect naturally and conversation isn’t coursed. I learned from that whole experience that a divorce was most definitely coming (still is). I’m filling out the papers I printed, this weekend.
I took what I went through and truly thought about the overall situation. I still believe, the right person your mind and body doesn’t wander or ponder with thoughts of being with someone else.
I came here to post something hilarious then read this and it's got so much truth in it now I forgot my joke
Well said, tho. Really5 -
@Keep_on_cardio Good luck and hope some good times are in your near future.1
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They are unfulfilled and perhaps they feel it’s easier to hide an affair, than it is to end a relationship. Maybe they’re looking for an excuse to leave, and justify cheating as a thrilling way to go out if they end up getting caught. I’m not really sure, but I think it takes a dumpster fire of a human to step out on their partner.
I imagine most who cheat are in relatively “fine” relationships and just aren’t putting as much effort into their relationships as they put in to chasing new tail. You can keep something new and exciting, as long as you try.
I once met a man on a business trip who told me that cheating on his wife, actually brings them closer. After he’s done on the road, all he wants is her.
Excuse me while I go vomit.9 -
Would you like to come up to my flat and see my etchings?0
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Wow. Not what I expected to read on here. But.... I am guilty of infidelity. Go to therapy and SAA group counseling as well. Want to be a better person. This last mistress cost me my life, family, friends, and sadly my yatch. The mistress committed suicide in it by setting it on fire and posting it on FB live. Needless to say it exposed everything about me. Figured out I am addicted to the thrill of the possibility of injury/death, thrill of the chase, strokes my ego I can bed women most men would never dream of approaching 10+ years younger than me, feeds my veracious sexual appetite, but mostly strokes my ego. I always have to be the Alpha male in any group and always challenge other Alphas for dominance. Part of it falls back to my career the last 21 years as a firefighter leading my men. Not making excuses. I was that piece of *kitten* bad boy your girlfriends warn you about,
Now I am in a better place thank God. I see it is an addiction I must battle daily and if I lose focus I can just as easily slip back to my old ways. Women still hit on me at the gym all the time. I train my wife daily for her first fitness competition next year. They even approach my wife in the bathroom in the gym and ask if I am just her personal trainer and if they can hire me to train them as well. We have learned to laugh about it. Love of a good woman is the key to my salvation. Part of my penance is contrition. I focus on a healthy body/mind/soul. There is hope for some of us. I know I can never take back the pain I have caused to people I care about, but I can show them I have changed. I must live with the guilt for the rest if my life. My scarlet letter is forever burned into me and it reminds me of what is important to me. I hope those that have gone through it find peace regardless if whether they stay together or separate.8 -
Finishiitnow wrote: »Maybe human beings are not made to be with just one person. Are we?
I think human beings are complex enough that you can't use a blanket statement about our sexual behavior. Some people are undoubtedly well suited to monogamy, some people undoubtedly are not. You probably need to view it the way a lot of people are starting to view sexual preference, on a sliding scale. Some people are straight, some people are gay, and some people are in between. In a similar way, some people are monogamous, some are polygamous, and some are in between.
Personally, in my life, I've really tried to get to a point where I don't judge anybody that's not doing something illegal. I personally think cheating is wrong, but I can't put out a blanket statement like "Everyone who cheats is a bad person." I've made far too many mistakes in my own life to judge anyone else.
I agree. For some monogamy is what works and what they want. For others, not. Ultimately it comes down to know oneself and communicating as best you can with others.
This makes alot of sense to me. It seems like people experience love differently. I have never experienced the hard, fast falling in love you read about in books and see in movies all the time. If that is a reality for some people I can see how it might be easy to have that happen and get lead into an affair even if you weren't specifically looking for one. My personal experience with love is it is a process, I can't personally see falling suddenly so head over heels in love with someone it could lead me into an affair. Since marrying my husband I have experienced two friend/coworker relationships that felt like they were heading into a more elevated state, but since the process is slow for me I was able to see the signs and remove those relationships before they became a problem.3 -
tinkerhellraiser wrote: »edit bc i’m supposed to be nice
Dang, missed it again! :laugh:4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Finishiitnow wrote: »Maybe human beings are not made to be with just one person. Are we?
I think human beings are complex enough that you can't use a blanket statement about our sexual behavior. Some people are undoubtedly well suited to monogamy, some people undoubtedly are not. You probably need to view it the way a lot of people are starting to view sexual preference, on a sliding scale. Some people are straight, some people are gay, and some people are in between. In a similar way, some people are monogamous, some are polygamous, and some are in between.
Personally, in my life, I've really tried to get to a point where I don't judge anybody that's not doing something illegal. I personally think cheating is wrong, but I can't put out a blanket statement like "Everyone who cheats is a bad person." I've made far too many mistakes in my own life to judge anyone else.
I agree. For some monogamy is what works and what they want. For others, not. Ultimately it comes down to know oneself and communicating as best you can with others.
This makes alot of sense to me. It seems like people experience love differently. I have never experienced the hard, fast falling in love you read about in books and see in movies all the time. If that is a reality for some people I can see how it might be easy to have that happen and get lead into an affair even if you weren't specifically looking for one. My personal experience with love is it is a process, I can't personally see falling suddenly so head over heels in love with someone it could lead me into an affair. Since marrying my husband I have experienced two friend/coworker relationships that felt like they were heading into a more elevated state, but since the process is slow for me I was able to see the signs and remove those relationships before they became a problem.
Likewise. I've never had that "head over heels" experience. I have to warm up, trust and very slowly open up to someone. I have also realized that I am capable of loving more than one person at a time and that it is genuine. It does not diminish how I feel about someone else I already love, however.1 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »tinkerhellraiser wrote: »edit bc i’m supposed to be nice
Dang, missed it again! :laugh:4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Finishiitnow wrote: »Maybe human beings are not made to be with just one person. Are we?
I think human beings are complex enough that you can't use a blanket statement about our sexual behavior. Some people are undoubtedly well suited to monogamy, some people undoubtedly are not. You probably need to view it the way a lot of people are starting to view sexual preference, on a sliding scale. Some people are straight, some people are gay, and some people are in between. In a similar way, some people are monogamous, some are polygamous, and some are in between.
Personally, in my life, I've really tried to get to a point where I don't judge anybody that's not doing something illegal. I personally think cheating is wrong, but I can't put out a blanket statement like "Everyone who cheats is a bad person." I've made far too many mistakes in my own life to judge anyone else.
I agree. For some monogamy is what works and what they want. For others, not. Ultimately it comes down to know oneself and communicating as best you can with others.
This makes alot of sense to me. It seems like people experience love differently. I have never experienced the hard, fast falling in love you read about in books and see in movies all the time. If that is a reality for some people I can see how it might be easy to have that happen and get lead into an affair even if you weren't specifically looking for one. My personal experience with love is it is a process, I can't personally see falling suddenly so head over heels in love with someone it could lead me into an affair. Since marrying my husband I have experienced two friend/coworker relationships that felt like they were heading into a more elevated state, but since the process is slow for me I was able to see the signs and remove those relationships before they became a problem.
Likewise. I've never had that "head over heels" experience. I have to warm up, trust and very slowly open up to someone. I have also realized that I am capable of loving more than one person at a time and that it is genuine. It does not diminish how I feel about someone else I already love, however.
We should start a “we miss everything” club
Sign-ups end October 164 -
Reckoner68 wrote: »Would you like to come up to my flat and see my etchings?
... you don't have to ask me twice, sailor.1 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »tinkerhellraiser wrote: »edit bc i’m supposed to be nice
Dang, missed it again! :laugh:4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Finishiitnow wrote: »Maybe human beings are not made to be with just one person. Are we?
I think human beings are complex enough that you can't use a blanket statement about our sexual behavior. Some people are undoubtedly well suited to monogamy, some people undoubtedly are not. You probably need to view it the way a lot of people are starting to view sexual preference, on a sliding scale. Some people are straight, some people are gay, and some people are in between. In a similar way, some people are monogamous, some are polygamous, and some are in between.
Personally, in my life, I've really tried to get to a point where I don't judge anybody that's not doing something illegal. I personally think cheating is wrong, but I can't put out a blanket statement like "Everyone who cheats is a bad person." I've made far too many mistakes in my own life to judge anyone else.
I agree. For some monogamy is what works and what they want. For others, not. Ultimately it comes down to know oneself and communicating as best you can with others.
This makes alot of sense to me. It seems like people experience love differently. I have never experienced the hard, fast falling in love you read about in books and see in movies all the time. If that is a reality for some people I can see how it might be easy to have that happen and get lead into an affair even if you weren't specifically looking for one. My personal experience with love is it is a process, I can't personally see falling suddenly so head over heels in love with someone it could lead me into an affair. Since marrying my husband I have experienced two friend/coworker relationships that felt like they were heading into a more elevated state, but since the process is slow for me I was able to see the signs and remove those relationships before they became a problem.
Likewise. I've never had that "head over heels" experience. I have to warm up, trust and very slowly open up to someone. I have also realized that I am capable of loving more than one person at a time and that it is genuine. It does not diminish how I feel about someone else I already love, however.
That makes sense. Sometimes new people and experiences change how we feel about others, but not always. I can see loving more than one partner, we already love lots of different people in different ways in our lives (parents, spouse/SO, children, friends)4 -
I don’t know what is the motivation behind the cheating, however I know the outcome of being cheated on. I was married for almost 19 years before I finally decided I had enough of being cheated on. I don’t regret it, should have done it sooner. The problem, however, is what that did to me. After the divorce, I met a really good person and we had very strong chemistry from the start. I mean immediately! We went out on and off for almost a year and a half. We would have crazy passion when we got together followed by a heated break-up. She has told me several times that she loves me, and that really scared me. Having been cheated on several times, I don’t know if I can ever trust again, if I can ever love again. That is what results from cheating, pain and abolished trust. I really and truly wish this person happiness and hope she finds someone that will love her as she loves him. You are always in my mind.9
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I don’t know what is the motivation behind the cheating, however I know the outcome of being cheated on. I was married for almost 19 years before I finally decided I had enough of being cheated on. I don’t regret it, should have done it sooner. The problem, however, is what that did to me. After the divorce, I met a really good person and we had very strong chemistry from the start. I mean immediately! We went out on and off for almost a year and a half. We would have crazy passion when we got together followed by a heated break-up. She has told me several times that she loves me, and that really scared me. Having been cheated on several times, I don’t know if I can ever trust again, if I can ever love again. That is what results from cheating, pain and abolished trust. I really and truly wish this person happiness and hope she finds someone that will love her as she loves him. You are always in my mind.
Dear reader, While I was going through your response, tears came to my eyes.
The narrative is beautiful and meaningful.
When I wrote this post, I was remembering the broken heart of the man that was capable of making me feel like a teenager again. I was singing in the shower, renewing my closet and challenging myself to do tons of new adventures with him. I tried to fixed that broken beautiful piece. With no success! I thought maybe that the fitness members here could help him.
After reading the many responses in this post, I recognized that I won't be able to understand why she cheated 😔, and I may not be able to get you in the same shape but I promise you that with every broken piece we can make a new original and authentic you. Your Picasso fan! AG2 -
I think sometimes to change things up and the excitement. A lot of people that have a family, their lives become boring and routine. It's an outlet for something more exciting.4
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Finishiitnow wrote: »I don’t know what is the motivation behind the cheating, however I know the outcome of being cheated on. I was married for almost 19 years before I finally decided I had enough of being cheated on. I don’t regret it, should have done it sooner. The problem, however, is what that did to me. After the divorce, I met a really good person and we had very strong chemistry from the start. I mean immediately! We went out on and off for almost a year and a half. We would have crazy passion when we got together followed by a heated break-up. She has told me several times that she loves me, and that really scared me. Having been cheated on several times, I don’t know if I can ever trust again, if I can ever love again. That is what results from cheating, pain and abolished trust. I really and truly wish this person happiness and hope she finds someone that will love her as she loves him. You are always in my mind.
Dear reader, While I was going through your response, tears came to my eyes.
The narrative is beautiful and meaningful.
When I wrote this post, I was remembering the broken heart of the man that was capable of making me feel like a teenager again. I was singing in the shower, renewing my closet and challenging myself to do tons of new adventures with him. I tried to fixed that broken beautiful piece. With no success! I thought maybe that the fitness members here could help him.
After reading the many responses in this post, I recognized that I won't be able to understand why she cheated 😔, and I may not be able to get you in the same shape but I promise you that with every broken piece we can make a new original and authentic you. Your Picasso fan! AG
Sometimes people are too broken to be mended by another so soon after. When you're a "rebound" for someone, it can be just as devastating as the initial. Sometimes worse.
From my own experiences of having been cheated on multiple times, from multiple people, it makes it very difficult to trust others. Especially when it occurred over the course of years, along with other things that occurred in the relationships.
Many of us are broken and mended multiple times over. The scars are the glue, a reminder of being imperfect while searching for a type of perfection which doesn't exist except in fairytales and lore.1 -
I think sometimes to change things up and the excitement. A lot of people that have a family, their lives become boring and routine. It's an outlet for something more exciting.
I heard that men want their wives to act like their girlfriends still. I didn’t really understand that until I read this comment...1 -
I think sometimes to change things up and the excitement. A lot of people that have a family, their lives become boring and routine. It's an outlet for something more exciting.
I heard that men want their wives to act like their girlfriends still. I didn’t really understand that until I read this comment...
It isn't just men, as I hear it a lot from women too. Another site I'm on, the sheer volume of women who are in a relationship (married or otherwise) talking about how boring their lives are and how pathetic their husband/BF are. Yet, when asked why they don't leave if they're unhappy, they don't want to give up what they already have.
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