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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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I think what's clear is that people are different and have different needs/desires. I'm still attracted to my husband when he's overweight, so I'll only bring it up if it's a health discussion. But for people like @heiliskrimsli, it's a deal breaker. Both parties would be happier if that relationship ended.7
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If I end up with diabetes or heart disease that will definitely affect her and our children...and vice versa...so beyond any discussion of aesthetics or attraction, to me it seems a reasonable topic to be discussing with one another. In regards to whether you have "a say"...sure? You have as much say as you have about any other aspect of each other's lives. It's limited. We're not each other's masters or anything but we are a team and it's fair to have and voice concerns about each other's physical and mental health (which I think are very tied) because we want the best for each other and for our family.
Obviously, if possible, it would be great to have a loving and respectful communication pattern already in place in order to avoid miscommunication about an emotionally charged subject.
...but those are all my thoughts considering I'm trying to lose kind of a lot of weight. I would not be sweating 20 pounds and I would find it irritating and trivial to hassle or be hassled about weight that couldn't reasonably be related to a health concern (whatever you felt that amount actually is).3 -
There's just not caring about your weight any more, and there's simple aging. I think they are two different things. Like, I could say, "I'm simply not attracted to men once their hair starts thinning. If my husband's hair thins, I'm going to break up with him because attraction is too important to me." Well, that isn't about him letting himself go. That's a simple part of aging, and I need to remember that I'm aging too. At that point, I need to get over myself or get myself to some kind of a professional to help me with my narcissism or something. But if I'm with a partner who no longer cares and simply doesn't take care of himself, or if I stop taking care of myself, then that's something we need to work on and it could lead to a breakup, though I think that is often a result of depression and so I hope I'd help someone I loved deal with the depression rather than just dump him.
I think those of us who are older might react to this whole thread differently than people who are still young.11 -
My husband is 100+ pounds overweight. I am 10 pounds overweight. Yet I'm the one here using MFP and going to the gym weekly. We fight about it all the time! I make him healthy lunches and dinners but hes just so lazy...he's on BP meds so it's obviously effecting him health wise. We have 3 young kids but nothing will get him to lose it. I can nag him everyday and unless he wants to do it himself he won't. It's very frustrating. I love him and know I will never leave him because of this but I will keep nagging him hoping that one day he really listens to my nag.5
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There's just not caring about your weight any more, and there's simple aging. I think they are two different things. Like, I could say, "I'm simply not attracted to men once their hair starts thinning. If my husband's hair thins, I'm going to break up with him because attraction is too important to me." Well, that isn't about him letting himself go. That's a simple part of aging, and I need to remember that I'm aging too. At that point, I need to get over myself or get myself to some kind of a professional to help me with my narcissism or something. But if I'm with a partner who no longer cares and simply doesn't take care of himself, or if I stop taking care of myself, then that's something we need to work on and it could lead to a breakup, though I think that is often a result of depression and so I hope I'd help someone I loved deal with the depression rather than just dump him.
I think those of us who are older might react to this whole thread differently than people who are still young.
That's true.
I have autoimmune issues and they are acting up. My fingers aren't working well today. I hurt. I could not keep up with a more active partner today even if I tried. If my spouse was like some of the ear;ier psoters who wants a spouse who can keep up with them, and it's a deal breaker...well, the deal would have broken long ago.
I think for better or for worse, in sickness and in health should allow for weight gain. Now if someone ained a ridiculous amount and needed a caretaker, that's a bit different than a 10-70lb gain.
And I do believe that most people realize when they are overweight and don't need to be told. Especially women. Most are pretty body conscious. My hubby on the other hand was able to deny his gains for quite a while because his pant size was not changing - the belt went under the belly. A well taken picture made him realize he had a tummy. For me, I am much more likely to notice extra weight on myself. Having it pointed out to me would feel like bad manners and just annoy me.8 -
My SO is awesome and deserves to be with a buff, hot guy. Instead she's stuck with me. So I try to stay as fit as possible, both for her AND for my future health and fitness.
In order for me to get fat, I'd have to not give a crap about her or myself. I've told her to dump me in that situation, just as I would her if she got fat (unless she were pregnant or seriously sick).
I'd rather be shallow than unhappy.5 -
I think those of us who are older might react to this whole thread differently than people who are still young.
Getting fat is not an unavoidable part of getting older, and I think you're making assumptions about people's ages that may be very incorrect.I think for better or for worse, in sickness and in health should allow for weight gain. Now if someone ained a ridiculous amount and needed a caretaker, that's a bit different than a 10-70lb gain.
It wouldn't take anywhere close to a 70 lb gain to be a deal breaker for me. BMI goes into overweight? You get a couple of months to fix it. Don't fix it? Goodbye.xmichaelyx wrote: »I'd rather be shallow than unhappy.
I simply will not stay in a relationship where there is no sexual attraction and no sex. People can call me shallow all they want, but I've never heard it from a fit person. It's always from someone who's bitter that I refuse to lower my standards and settle for a lazy, unfit partner who overeats.2 -
xmichaelyx wrote: »My SO is awesome and deserves to be with a buff, hot guy. Instead she's stuck with me. So I try to stay as fit as possible, both for her AND for my future health and fitness.
In order for me to get fat, I'd have to not give a crap about her or myself. I've told her to dump me in that situation, just as I would her if she got fat (unless she were pregnant or seriously sick).
I'd rather be shallow than unhappy.
You are a wise man!3 -
I think that they are perfectly in the right to voice their preference with many things including weight. As far as an actual say in the matter, absolutely not. If the preference is a deal breaker, that is also ok. It should be voiced as that gives the other party full knowledge to make their choice.
An SO can prefer I keep my hair long, that I wear dresses, and that I maintain a healthy BMI. At the end of the day, I am an adult, and they still wouldn't have an actual say in my hair style, wardrobe or weight.6 -
Off course I'd say something to my man if he gains weight, as I'm concerned about his health. Though he's careful enough about his diet and exercise.
And yes I'm expecting him to be honest too.
But it always and always must be done in the most respectful way possible.0 -
cwolfman13 wrote: »My wife didn't have any problems letting me know that I was getting overly fat. Did she still love me? Yeah...but she didn't have any issues letting me know that maybe I was letting things get a bit out of hand. She was also concerned from a health standpoint. It wasn't like I just put on a little weight either...I put on a good 50 Lbs over the course of 8 years or so of marriage.
Both my wife and I were relatively lean when we met and through 5 years of dating before we got married. She put on a small amount of weight after we settled into "family life", but I blew up like a balloon.
My SO voiced concerns when I was gaining weight at an alarming rate (50 pounds in a year, yikes!) but his primary concern was more my sedentary lifestyle than it was the weight. He said he would like to see me more active in order to preserve health, the weight was never a huge consideration for him.
Of course, the desire to do better and eat better can only come when I'm ready, so it took some time to get my head on straight.
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heiliskrimsli wrote: »I think those of us who are older might react to this whole thread differently than people who are still young.
Getting fat is not an unavoidable part of getting older, and I think you're making assumptions about people's ages that may be very incorrect.I think for better or for worse, in sickness and in health should allow for weight gain. Now if someone ained a ridiculous amount and needed a caretaker, that's a bit different than a 10-70lb gain.
It wouldn't take anywhere close to a 70 lb gain to be a deal breaker for me. BMI goes into overweight? You get a couple of months to fix it. Don't fix it? Goodbye.xmichaelyx wrote: »I'd rather be shallow than unhappy.
I simply will not stay in a relationship where there is no sexual attraction and no sex. People can call me shallow all they want, but I've never heard it from a fit person. It's always from someone who's bitter that I refuse to lower my standards and settle for a lazy, unfit partner who overeats.
I seriously think this is a stereotype and it gets on my nerves. The stereotype I hear all the time is Fat people are lazy and don't care and thin or fit people care too much and are vein - oh and are b!tches.
I just don't like the association, because it's not always true. Ok, carry on.4 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »I think those of us who are older might react to this whole thread differently than people who are still young.
Getting fat is not an unavoidable part of getting older, and I think you're making assumptions about people's ages that may be very incorrect.I think for better or for worse, in sickness and in health should allow for weight gain. Now if someone ained a ridiculous amount and needed a caretaker, that's a bit different than a 10-70lb gain.
It wouldn't take anywhere close to a 70 lb gain to be a deal breaker for me. BMI goes into overweight? You get a couple of months to fix it. Don't fix it? Goodbye.xmichaelyx wrote: »I'd rather be shallow than unhappy.
I simply will not stay in a relationship where there is no sexual attraction and no sex. People can call me shallow all they want, but I've never heard it from a fit person. It's always from someone who's bitter that I refuse to lower my standards and settle for a lazy, unfit partner who overeats.
I seriously think this is a stereotype and it gets on my nerves. The stereotype I hear all the time is Fat people are lazy and don't care and thin or fit people care too much and are vein - oh and are b!tches.
I just don't like the association, because it's not always true. Ok, carry on.
For me, my weight gain was due to laziness. Both physically AND mentally.3 -
If some chick I was dating got too big, I would tell her that she needs to lose weight, if she doesn't want to, I'll just dump her. Now if your partner was already big or thin to begin with then that means that's what you were attracted to but if they gradually got lazy over time then yeah you need to tell them. If you're not attracted to someone anymore, you might as well try to make them more attractive to you again instead of doing something like cheating on them.1
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DasItMan91 wrote: »If some chick I was dating got too big,I would tell her that she needs to lose weight, if she doesn't want to, I'll just dump her. Now if your partner was already big or thin to begin with then that means that's what you were attracted to but if they gradually got lazy over time then yeah you need to tell them. If you're not attracted to someone anymore, you might as well try to make them more attractive to you again instead of doing something like cheating on them.
And i presume you'd expect the same treatment if it was you who gained weight?
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Why wouldn't you discuss weight with a spouse? It is normal to discuss many other areas of health and appearance. I don't know why weight would be off limits.
If you feel it shouldn't be discussed, and you decide to lose weight, then would you also want said spouse to ignore your efforts? Would you expect them to support your weight loss efforts even though you don't discuss it?
Demanding, demeaning, ultimatums--NO. Input and discussion, YES.6 -
If anybody lets themselves go in any manner (not just weight gain) then one's partner certainly has a right to bring it up in conversation. Unconditional =/= Mandatory.0
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Christine_72 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »If some chick I was dating got too big,I would tell her that she needs to lose weight, if she doesn't want to, I'll just dump her. Now if your partner was already big or thin to begin with then that means that's what you were attracted to but if they gradually got lazy over time then yeah you need to tell them. If you're not attracted to someone anymore, you might as well try to make them more attractive to you again instead of doing something like cheating on them.
And i presume you'd expect the same treatment if it was you who gained weight?
I would certainly expect a partner to tell me if she didn't find me attractive anymore as a result of my behaviour. In fact, I wouldn't be so contemptuous of my partner to think "Ha! Gotcha! You can't leave me, you'll look like a shallow *kitten* if you do. Chris Farley mode......ENGAGE!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAnomnomnom!" in the first place. I would do my best to ensure that I remained attractive for her.
Look at the revenge body trend at the moment. I find it extremely sad that people can't stay in shape for people that they claim to love, yet will readily and miraculously lose that weight to spite them once the relationship has gone sour.12 -
Christine_72 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »I think those of us who are older might react to this whole thread differently than people who are still young.
Getting fat is not an unavoidable part of getting older, and I think you're making assumptions about people's ages that may be very incorrect.I think for better or for worse, in sickness and in health should allow for weight gain. Now if someone ained a ridiculous amount and needed a caretaker, that's a bit different than a 10-70lb gain.
It wouldn't take anywhere close to a 70 lb gain to be a deal breaker for me. BMI goes into overweight? You get a couple of months to fix it. Don't fix it? Goodbye.xmichaelyx wrote: »I'd rather be shallow than unhappy.
I simply will not stay in a relationship where there is no sexual attraction and no sex. People can call me shallow all they want, but I've never heard it from a fit person. It's always from someone who's bitter that I refuse to lower my standards and settle for a lazy, unfit partner who overeats.
I seriously think this is a stereotype and it gets on my nerves. The stereotype I hear all the time is Fat people are lazy and don't care and thin or fit people care too much and are vein - oh and are b!tches.
I just don't like the association, because it's not always true. Ok, carry on.
For me, my weight gain was due to laziness. Both physically AND mentally.
And for me it had nothing to do with laziness, and a great deal to do with differential prioritization of my time and energy (both of which are finite resources). I accomplished a great deal that was worthwhile with the time that I now spend on exercising and preparing, weighing, and recording food. It isn't trivial.
There are other worthwhile expenditures of a person's time, energy, and money if their weight isn't having a significant impact on their health. There are other worthwhile ways to spend these things even if your weight IS having an impact on your health, that may benefit you, your family, your community, and even the world.
I've met people who think anyone who doesn't go out and protest regularly is lazy. I've met people who believe that anyone who isn't a millionaire by 40 is lazy. I've met others who define as lazy anyone who doesn't vacuum their house daily, or wash their car every week, or ride their bike to work. The list of arbitrary rules that define "lazy" is long.32 -
I think that our SOs are almost obligated to say if we are out of our best shape, because I believe as partners our duty is to help our partner to be best and healthiest self.
What I do hate is when people say one thing (for example 'you should loose weight') and act another (keep pushing on junk food meals, refuse do any form of physical activity together etc.).
But partner who says 'you are too thin/too heavy' and acts in a supportive way is, in my opinion, a real partner that does his partner duties.5
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