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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
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sommerrosee2 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
i do really think it depends on your relationship and your communication with one another. I was with my ex for almost 5 years, and in total he gained probably about 80 pounds. i never said a thing, because he exercised and kept himself together. however, in dec 2015-feb 2016 i gained a whopping 50 pounds, and NO ONE could tell me why. nothing at all had changed in my diet. another 6 long months and it turned out i had hashi's, and connective tissue disease(symptoms similar to RA, lupus, fibro, etc) which many of you know is very debilitating on one's body. Unfortunately auto immune issues are hereditary(mom has RA), and my ex knew there was a possibility at some point it may show up. Anyway, i got on meds and was trying to figure out the best course of action, which can take years to find the right form of treatment, and a month in he flat out told me he didn't care. nevermind the fact we had been fighting for months prior because he kept telling me i was just being lazy and that's why i gained weight. Clearly that relationship didn't stick. now to the good part (:
I met my boyfriend now a few months later, and it was the complete opposite. he is very much in shape and has only gotten better over the last year and a half or so, even while i still struggle. He was 100% honest from the beginning that he had never been with a "bigger" girl, but he knew i was trying to work on it and wasn't being lazy so it was a non issue. fast forward to today, we live together, and i am still working towards my goal. i have been working out for over a year. I have lost a little here and there, and my body has changed quite a bit from working out, but havent lost too much because of previous health issues listed. it makes things entirely more difficult, but i am still trying. At this point, he encourages me because this is what I WANT. he has also stated that it doesn't matter what i weigh, he is more concerned about me being healthy and not hurting. sometimes its still hard for me, because he is in really good shape. i do agree about the point where too much weight loss/gain can make someone less attractive, my ex and i did not have sex for over a year because of that and other issues. but it really is all about how you COMMUNICATE your concern to that person. not just saying something to be an *kitten*. that is far more encouraging to me anyway. My boyfriend now will get on my case if i haven't gone to the gym in a few days, because he knows how much damage i can do to my body when i DON'T go. he NEVER gets on my case about food, but if i ask him to help keep me in check he will. because again, ultimately this is what i want. to him, me losing weight/getting more in shape is just a bonus (;
Perfect example - in sickness AND in health - sickness happens - BUT if you CAN be healthy you took a vow TO be healthy
No vow remotely says "you vow to be healthy", as in a lot of cases it isn't a choice, sickness comes whether we eat well and go to the gym or not. The vow means that you accept the person when they are sick and when they are healthy!!11 -
Lots of good responses here! For me, I appreciate the honesty. My partner and I have been together for a year and a half, and we talk frequently about this because we want the subject to be open and he wants to give me the best support possible and know what I'd prefer in terms of boundaries of food. I know that he loves my body and we laugh when it jiggles and does funny stuff. I feel absolutely 100% comfortable around him. He has expressed concern about my belly fat, purely for health reasons and knowing that's a bad place for fat to sit generally, but he brought that up because he cares, and he reiterated several times during the conversation that he loved my body anyway. I am grateful for our good communication and our ability to discuss these things as grownups!
I don't think any human has the right to demand any other human do anything with their body, regardless of relationship. But having a healthy, clear communication channel about it, which includes support and respecting others' boundaries, is perfectly acceptable and has made my own life a lot happier!
Edit: Just for the record, I weigh 246lbs and my partner about 110.3 -
I don't think you can demand a human to do something else. even in marriage.
But that doesn't mean your choice isn't without consequence. You have to be willing to have the conversation. And if you have the conversation- and then you keep choosing to be one way- even though it's having a negative impact on your relationship- well- you may find yourself not in a relationship any more.3 -
Yes- I did not mean as an ultimatum necessarily.
I think it is WRONG to demand someone "lose ten pounds or a I leave"
"Go on this diet with me or else"
certainly you can demand what you want- but it doesn't mean it will get done. I think its not the right thing to do to demand someone do something- if you're in a relationship- it needs to be a conversation. need to do better with spending. Absolutely- but he can't say "stop spending or I cut your cards up" (well he can- but he'll be single really fast)
But we work through the problem.
BUT Flipside- if you aren't willing to be an active participant in the, shall we say negotiations or compromise- you may find yourself alone. In above situation- say I agree- but I continue to be over spendy- and rack up thousands in say- gambling and CC bills- at some point- I wouldn't be surprised if he leaves.
It's about communication and expectation management.3 -
Butt_Snorkeler wrote: »My wife and I crack fat jokes on each other all the time. I call her my walrus/sea lion/hippo/etc
omgggg.... I would kill you....LOL. I'm happy she is a good sport!!!! I'm not there yet...lol2 -
I don't think you can demand a human to do something else. even in marriage.
But that doesn't mean your choice isn't without consequence. You have to be willing to have the conversation. And if you have the conversation- and then you keep choosing to be one way- even though it's having a negative impact on your relationship- well- you may find yourself not in a relationship any more.
sure you can - get healthy or I'm out - stop spending so much money or I'm out, stop being such an *kitten* or I'm out - people do it all the time
@imfornd - How do you feel about couples that aren't married?1 -
sommerrosee2 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
i do really think it depends on your relationship and your communication with one another. I was with my ex for almost 5 years, and in total he gained probably about 80 pounds. i never said a thing, because he exercised and kept himself together. however, in dec 2015-feb 2016 i gained a whopping 50 pounds, and NO ONE could tell me why. nothing at all had changed in my diet. another 6 long months and it turned out i had hashi's, and connective tissue disease(symptoms similar to RA, lupus, fibro, etc) which many of you know is very debilitating on one's body. Unfortunately auto immune issues are hereditary(mom has RA), and my ex knew there was a possibility at some point it may show up. Anyway, i got on meds and was trying to figure out the best course of action, which can take years to find the right form of treatment, and a month in he flat out told me he didn't care. nevermind the fact we had been fighting for months prior because he kept telling me i was just being lazy and that's why i gained weight. Clearly that relationship didn't stick. now to the good part (:
I met my boyfriend now a few months later, and it was the complete opposite. he is very much in shape and has only gotten better over the last year and a half or so, even while i still struggle. He was 100% honest from the beginning that he had never been with a "bigger" girl, but he knew i was trying to work on it and wasn't being lazy so it was a non issue. fast forward to today, we live together, and i am still working towards my goal. i have been working out for over a year. I have lost a little here and there, and my body has changed quite a bit from working out, but havent lost too much because of previous health issues listed. it makes things entirely more difficult, but i am still trying. At this point, he encourages me because this is what I WANT. he has also stated that it doesn't matter what i weigh, he is more concerned about me being healthy and not hurting. sometimes its still hard for me, because he is in really good shape. i do agree about the point where too much weight loss/gain can make someone less attractive, my ex and i did not have sex for over a year because of that and other issues. but it really is all about how you COMMUNICATE your concern to that person. not just saying something to be an *kitten*. that is far more encouraging to me anyway. My boyfriend now will get on my case if i haven't gone to the gym in a few days, because he knows how much damage i can do to my body when i DON'T go. he NEVER gets on my case about food, but if i ask him to help keep me in check he will. because again, ultimately this is what i want. to him, me losing weight/getting more in shape is just a bonus (;
Perfect example - in sickness AND in health - sickness happens - BUT if you CAN be healthy you took a vow TO be healthy
That is not what the vow means. "In sickness and in health" means that you are promising to stay with your spouse when they are sick as well as when they are healthy. It does not mean that you're promising to try to stay healthy. You keep saying that it does, but your insistence doesn't make it any more accurate.17 -
Just some personal insight. I was overweight almost my entire adult life including the day I got married, my husband was super skinny, like had to buy the smallest men's pants sold and them altered to be taken in. We loved each other regardless. Fast forward 28 yrs of marriage I lost weight and have kept it off for 7 yrs (been as small as a size 2 big and largest at a size 16). My husband has loved me and told and showed me I was sexy even at my heaviest. My husband has gained, lost and gained and is back up to almost 300 lbs. I still love him!!!!
But to be honest I am terrified for him. I see him binge eat, see debit card of $10 on vending a week for candy and soda. He has had to miss work for gout, back pain and is now on about 4 Rx for things that could be reversed by losing weight and exercising. We both love the outdoors to hike camp kayak and these are things he cannot hardly do anymore because of the extra weight. We are at the best times of our lives with kids almost grown and may not be able to travel to places we have talked about because physically he can't walk it. I have talked to him that it truly is a health issue and I don't want him to die early and am scared for him...........
I say all of this to point out it really is not always about how someone looks or their size but could be coming from a place of fear or concern and the want the other person to live a long healthy life.10 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
Yes they should love you BUT they dedicate their life to you AND in your VOWS you said you would stay healthy,,, in sickness AND in health
The vow is typically not to stay healthy. It's ... 'to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part'. It's a vow to remain faithful in bad times and good.
Well- most people do their own these days- few people do super traditional read after me vows. Not everyone said the same thing.
mine included tacos.
Of course that's true. But the point is that when people use that vow they aren't typically promising to remain healthy.
most people probably not- but I had that talk before we ever talked about getting married.
About remaining healthy? So many health problems can arise regardless of weight or fitness.
my exact words were "I'm not f**king a fat dude".
Not sure how that relates back to the vow, but I do think it's a good idea to discuss things that are important to you before marriage.
I said I had that conversation before we talked about getting married.
You asked "about remaining healthy?"
and I gave you my exact words regarding the conversation I had prior to us every talking about marriage- this was in the earlier stages when we were discussing long term relationship goals and if we were interested in pursing that path or not.
No health is not a guarantee. You can get sick for a lot of reasons. And that can indeed impact your weight- but the hard reality is- I'm not having sex with someone who is extremely over weight.
Sex is important to me- and my relationship. it's a critical part of a relationship. anyone who says otherwise is lying to themselves. It doesn't have to be a primary driver- but it's got to be there.
If the man I love has gotten to a point where he doesn't care- and ceases to tend to his body- we have a SERIOUS problem. And it warrants a serious discussion. A come to jesus is necessary.
in sickness AND in HEALTH - those re 2 vows - many times people only look at the sickness part - HEY you need to try to remain healthy - like I said who want to go through life with a person who's only 2 states are unhealthy and sick
To be fair, these vows trace back to medieval times when the commoners were scratching out a meager existence and dying comparatively young - therefore, the vows reflected the concerns of catching skin diseases, dysentery, tuberculosis, the plague, etc., or dying while delivering a 10th child rather than a spouse acquiring a muffin top or a dad-bod.15 -
They are vows you make to each other- they should reflect what you want them to reflect and what you are literally vowing to adhere too.
There is a reason so many people go to "write your own"- we did modified "read after me" vows- and read our own in private on our honeymoon. But we absolutely modified them so they reflected what we wanted to commit to each other.0 -
They are vows you make to each other- they should reflect what you want them to reflect and what you are literally vowing to adhere too.
There is a reason so many people go to "write your own"- we did modified "read after me" vows- and read our own in private on our honeymoon. But we absolutely modified them so they reflected what we wanted to commit to each other.
Mine were modified too.... "To Obey", tripped me up....we had to change that to something I could commit to.1
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