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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
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Butt_Snorkeler wrote: »My wife and I crack fat jokes on each other all the time. I call her my walrus/sea lion/hippo/etc
omgggg.... I would kill you....LOL. I'm happy she is a good sport!!!! I'm not there yet...lol2 -
I don't think you can demand a human to do something else. even in marriage.
But that doesn't mean your choice isn't without consequence. You have to be willing to have the conversation. And if you have the conversation- and then you keep choosing to be one way- even though it's having a negative impact on your relationship- well- you may find yourself not in a relationship any more.
sure you can - get healthy or I'm out - stop spending so much money or I'm out, stop being such an *kitten* or I'm out - people do it all the time
@imfornd - How do you feel about couples that aren't married?1 -
sommerrosee2 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
i do really think it depends on your relationship and your communication with one another. I was with my ex for almost 5 years, and in total he gained probably about 80 pounds. i never said a thing, because he exercised and kept himself together. however, in dec 2015-feb 2016 i gained a whopping 50 pounds, and NO ONE could tell me why. nothing at all had changed in my diet. another 6 long months and it turned out i had hashi's, and connective tissue disease(symptoms similar to RA, lupus, fibro, etc) which many of you know is very debilitating on one's body. Unfortunately auto immune issues are hereditary(mom has RA), and my ex knew there was a possibility at some point it may show up. Anyway, i got on meds and was trying to figure out the best course of action, which can take years to find the right form of treatment, and a month in he flat out told me he didn't care. nevermind the fact we had been fighting for months prior because he kept telling me i was just being lazy and that's why i gained weight. Clearly that relationship didn't stick. now to the good part (:
I met my boyfriend now a few months later, and it was the complete opposite. he is very much in shape and has only gotten better over the last year and a half or so, even while i still struggle. He was 100% honest from the beginning that he had never been with a "bigger" girl, but he knew i was trying to work on it and wasn't being lazy so it was a non issue. fast forward to today, we live together, and i am still working towards my goal. i have been working out for over a year. I have lost a little here and there, and my body has changed quite a bit from working out, but havent lost too much because of previous health issues listed. it makes things entirely more difficult, but i am still trying. At this point, he encourages me because this is what I WANT. he has also stated that it doesn't matter what i weigh, he is more concerned about me being healthy and not hurting. sometimes its still hard for me, because he is in really good shape. i do agree about the point where too much weight loss/gain can make someone less attractive, my ex and i did not have sex for over a year because of that and other issues. but it really is all about how you COMMUNICATE your concern to that person. not just saying something to be an *kitten*. that is far more encouraging to me anyway. My boyfriend now will get on my case if i haven't gone to the gym in a few days, because he knows how much damage i can do to my body when i DON'T go. he NEVER gets on my case about food, but if i ask him to help keep me in check he will. because again, ultimately this is what i want. to him, me losing weight/getting more in shape is just a bonus (;
Perfect example - in sickness AND in health - sickness happens - BUT if you CAN be healthy you took a vow TO be healthy
That is not what the vow means. "In sickness and in health" means that you are promising to stay with your spouse when they are sick as well as when they are healthy. It does not mean that you're promising to try to stay healthy. You keep saying that it does, but your insistence doesn't make it any more accurate.17 -
Just some personal insight. I was overweight almost my entire adult life including the day I got married, my husband was super skinny, like had to buy the smallest men's pants sold and them altered to be taken in. We loved each other regardless. Fast forward 28 yrs of marriage I lost weight and have kept it off for 7 yrs (been as small as a size 2 big and largest at a size 16). My husband has loved me and told and showed me I was sexy even at my heaviest. My husband has gained, lost and gained and is back up to almost 300 lbs. I still love him!!!!
But to be honest I am terrified for him. I see him binge eat, see debit card of $10 on vending a week for candy and soda. He has had to miss work for gout, back pain and is now on about 4 Rx for things that could be reversed by losing weight and exercising. We both love the outdoors to hike camp kayak and these are things he cannot hardly do anymore because of the extra weight. We are at the best times of our lives with kids almost grown and may not be able to travel to places we have talked about because physically he can't walk it. I have talked to him that it truly is a health issue and I don't want him to die early and am scared for him...........
I say all of this to point out it really is not always about how someone looks or their size but could be coming from a place of fear or concern and the want the other person to live a long healthy life.10 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
Yes they should love you BUT they dedicate their life to you AND in your VOWS you said you would stay healthy,,, in sickness AND in health
The vow is typically not to stay healthy. It's ... 'to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part'. It's a vow to remain faithful in bad times and good.
Well- most people do their own these days- few people do super traditional read after me vows. Not everyone said the same thing.
mine included tacos.
Of course that's true. But the point is that when people use that vow they aren't typically promising to remain healthy.
most people probably not- but I had that talk before we ever talked about getting married.
About remaining healthy? So many health problems can arise regardless of weight or fitness.
my exact words were "I'm not f**king a fat dude".
Not sure how that relates back to the vow, but I do think it's a good idea to discuss things that are important to you before marriage.
I said I had that conversation before we talked about getting married.
You asked "about remaining healthy?"
and I gave you my exact words regarding the conversation I had prior to us every talking about marriage- this was in the earlier stages when we were discussing long term relationship goals and if we were interested in pursing that path or not.
No health is not a guarantee. You can get sick for a lot of reasons. And that can indeed impact your weight- but the hard reality is- I'm not having sex with someone who is extremely over weight.
Sex is important to me- and my relationship. it's a critical part of a relationship. anyone who says otherwise is lying to themselves. It doesn't have to be a primary driver- but it's got to be there.
If the man I love has gotten to a point where he doesn't care- and ceases to tend to his body- we have a SERIOUS problem. And it warrants a serious discussion. A come to jesus is necessary.
in sickness AND in HEALTH - those re 2 vows - many times people only look at the sickness part - HEY you need to try to remain healthy - like I said who want to go through life with a person who's only 2 states are unhealthy and sick
To be fair, these vows trace back to medieval times when the commoners were scratching out a meager existence and dying comparatively young - therefore, the vows reflected the concerns of catching skin diseases, dysentery, tuberculosis, the plague, etc., or dying while delivering a 10th child rather than a spouse acquiring a muffin top or a dad-bod.15 -
They are vows you make to each other- they should reflect what you want them to reflect and what you are literally vowing to adhere too.
There is a reason so many people go to "write your own"- we did modified "read after me" vows- and read our own in private on our honeymoon. But we absolutely modified them so they reflected what we wanted to commit to each other.0 -
They are vows you make to each other- they should reflect what you want them to reflect and what you are literally vowing to adhere too.
There is a reason so many people go to "write your own"- we did modified "read after me" vows- and read our own in private on our honeymoon. But we absolutely modified them so they reflected what we wanted to commit to each other.
Mine were modified too.... "To Obey", tripped me up....we had to change that to something I could commit to.1 -
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »They are vows you make to each other- they should reflect what you want them to reflect and what you are literally vowing to adhere too.
There is a reason so many people go to "write your own"- we did modified "read after me" vows- and read our own in private on our honeymoon. But we absolutely modified them so they reflected what we wanted to commit to each other.
Mine were modified too.... "To Obey", tripped me up....we had to change that to something I could commit to.
exactly.
I couldn't do love and obey- that's just not who I am. We are partners- I don't work for him.1 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »They are vows you make to each other- they should reflect what you want them to reflect and what you are literally vowing to adhere too.
There is a reason so many people go to "write your own"- we did modified "read after me" vows- and read our own in private on our honeymoon. But we absolutely modified them so they reflected what we wanted to commit to each other.
Mine were modified too.... "To Obey", tripped me up....we had to change that to something I could commit to.
exactly.
I couldn't do love and obey- that's just not who I am. We are partners- I don't work for him.
We wrote our own. And worked "submit" into both hers and mine. Just to ensure that we offended everyone
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stanmann571 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »They are vows you make to each other- they should reflect what you want them to reflect and what you are literally vowing to adhere too.
There is a reason so many people go to "write your own"- we did modified "read after me" vows- and read our own in private on our honeymoon. But we absolutely modified them so they reflected what we wanted to commit to each other.
Mine were modified too.... "To Obey", tripped me up....we had to change that to something I could commit to.
exactly.
I couldn't do love and obey- that's just not who I am. We are partners- I don't work for him.
We wrote our own. And worked "submit" into both hers and mine. Just to ensure that we offended everyone
Yesssssssssssssss! Submit to each other is not offensive at all. Good call on that.1 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »stanmann571 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »They are vows you make to each other- they should reflect what you want them to reflect and what you are literally vowing to adhere too.
There is a reason so many people go to "write your own"- we did modified "read after me" vows- and read our own in private on our honeymoon. But we absolutely modified them so they reflected what we wanted to commit to each other.
Mine were modified too.... "To Obey", tripped me up....we had to change that to something I could commit to.
exactly.
I couldn't do love and obey- that's just not who I am. We are partners- I don't work for him.
We wrote our own. And worked "submit" into both hers and mine. Just to ensure that we offended everyone
Yesssssssssssssss! Submit to each other is not offensive at all. Good call on that.
Some people confuse submit(putting the others needs over your own) with obey... which implies inequality.1 -
stanmann571 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »stanmann571 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »They are vows you make to each other- they should reflect what you want them to reflect and what you are literally vowing to adhere too.
There is a reason so many people go to "write your own"- we did modified "read after me" vows- and read our own in private on our honeymoon. But we absolutely modified them so they reflected what we wanted to commit to each other.
Mine were modified too.... "To Obey", tripped me up....we had to change that to something I could commit to.
exactly.
I couldn't do love and obey- that's just not who I am. We are partners- I don't work for him.
We wrote our own. And worked "submit" into both hers and mine. Just to ensure that we offended everyone
Yesssssssssssssss! Submit to each other is not offensive at all. Good call on that.
Some people confuse submit(putting the others needs over your own) with obey... which implies inequality.
I don't confuse submit with obey- obey sounds religious- submit sounds like BDSM.
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I think they can comment on it as long as a)it is in a respectful way b) is honest/frank.
If my weight was causing my husband to no longer be attracted to me sexually, I would want to know. If he were concerned for my health, I would want to know. (This works both for overweight or too thin).
I think it becomes a problem and has no place in a relationship when it's used to demean, criticize or hurt the other person.3 -
to start i have a wonderful supportive spouse that has only had my best interest and health in mind. He has never told me that I am too big, however, he does not like it when too thin. we have a happy medium that we are both comfortable with and that is my goal. We never turn our conversations into i or he is "too big" or "too thin". We target what our real fear is, such as too big is a health risk, like heart disease. We don't want to lose each other and we try to keep that in mind. I also have the frame of mind that when he mentions that my clothes are tight, that he really means he doesn't want me to have a heart attack.
i believe that it is extremely important that you are happy with yourself. You have to understand and know what is your best target for fitness and weight. Use your SO/Spouse as support and listen to what is said and if you don't like it or are not happy with what you are hearing, talk it out. Your SO/Spouse can be your greatest strength and support. W/out this you are on your own and that is never easy.2 -
I firmly believe a spouse has the right to advocate for their significant other’s better health. But to demand weight gain / loss when there is no real health concern? Fallacious.0
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Should they or do they? The simple answer is that maybe they shouldn't but they choose to wake up every day and stay or one day they don't choose to stay any more. Facts are facts. In a world where it is easier to "go" sometimes than "stay" we have to take into consideration the feelings of our spouse. I would never leave mine on account of her weight (SHE IS PERFECT ANYWAY) but face the facts, it happens every day. Maybe it is the obvious answer but this isn't the stone age, we don't own each other. In the US you can get divorced for less that a house payment. Should they? Opinions of that frankly don't matter. Your spouse's opinion holds a 50% vote in deciding if they continue to be your spouse. I say be yourself but know that they have the right to be themselves also. You might want to compromise if you want to stay married.
#NO CHARGE FOR MY OPINION
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TyTravis007 wrote: »I firmly believe a spouse has the right to advocate for their significant other’s better health. But to demand weight gain / loss when there is no real health concern? Fallacious.
Agree.0 -
Should they or do they? The simple answer is that maybe they shouldn't but they choose to wake up every day and stay or one day they don't choose to stay any more. Facts are facts. In a world where it is easier to "go" sometimes than "stay" we have to take into consideration the feelings of our spouse. I would never leave mine on account of her weight (SHE IS PERFECT ANYWAY) but face the facts, it happens every day. Maybe it is the obvious answer but this isn't the stone age, we don't own each other. In the US you can get divorced for less that a house payment. Should they? Opinions of that frankly don't matter. Your spouse's opinion holds a 50% vote in deciding if they continue to be your spouse. I say be yourself but know that they have the right to be themselves also. You might want to compromise if you want to stay married.
#NO CHARGE FOR MY OPINION
So are you saying, they shouldn't, but in the world that we live in where divorce is on the rise (for less trivial things) then you might want to consider how your spouse feels regarding weight issues - if you want to stay married???1 -
Here is food for thought - when we are single, we tend to want to be in our best version of us - whether that's fitness/shape, sexiness, attractiveness, etc., but we tend to let some of those things go when we are in a secure relationship/marriage. Why is that?1
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »Here is food for thought - when we are single, we tend to want to be in our best version of us - whether that's fitness/shape, sexiness, attractiveness, etc., but we tend to let some of those things go when we are in a secure relationship/marriage. Why is that?
because you get comfortable with that person, so subconsciously you let yourself slip a little here and there, or maybe you don't keep up with yourself as much as you did single, whatever the case is. IMO, you should try to keep yourself at your best no matter what, because again, if your at your best single and then you meet someone, over time essentially "letting yourself go" because your comfortable in your relationship could ruin it. You make yourself out to be this person that is always taking care of themselves and that is the person whoever you meet falls in love with, how is it fair to them to say "well, you're stuck with me now, so i can look/ do what i want." NO. For example, i said this in my previous post, my boyfriend is in ridiculous shape, and he just keeps getting better. We are 100% comfortable with each other, but does that mean he is going to stop working out because he's "comfortable"? nope. why? because not only is it going to make him feel like crap about himself, what does that say about me? and vice versa. if you let yourself go to s***, what does that say about the person you're with? it makes the both of you feel awful and can potentially make the relationship falter. Now, i'm not saying 100% of the time you need to be at your best because stuff happens. but making the effort i feel is worth it.2 -
Exactly. It's nothing wrong with getting comfy, but still keep up good and healthy habits. Especially if you can muster up the energy to do it when you are single and seeking, do it because you love your self and the person you LOVE.sommerrosee2 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Here is food for thought - when we are single, we tend to want to be in our best version of us - whether that's fitness/shape, sexiness, attractiveness, etc., but we tend to let some of those things go when we are in a secure relationship/marriage. Why is that?
because you get comfortable with that person, so subconsciously you let yourself slip a little here and there, or maybe you don't keep up with yourself as much as you did single, whatever the case is. IMO, you should try to keep yourself at your best no matter what, because again, if your at your best single and then you meet someone, over time essentially "letting yourself go" because your comfortable in your relationship could ruin it. You make yourself out to be this person that is always taking care of themselves and that is the person whoever you meet falls in love with, how is it fair to them to say "well, you're stuck with me now, so i can look/ do what i want." NO. For example, i said this in my previous post, my boyfriend is in ridiculous shape, and he just keeps getting better. We are 100% comfortable with each other, but does that mean he is going to stop working out because he's "comfortable"? nope. why? because not only is it going to make him feel like crap about himself, what does that say about me? and vice versa. if you let yourself go to s***, what does that say about the person you're with? it makes the both of you feel awful and can potentially make the relationship falter. Now, i'm not saying 100% of the time you need to be at your best because stuff happens. but making the effort i feel is worth it.
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I am curious if those people who suggest that you should feel the same way healthy or overnight, sometimes so far as not discuss it with your spouse (or not allowed to have influence) if the situation was instead that the spouse decided to quit their job and sit on the couch all day and watch Netflix.4
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richardgavel wrote: »I am curious if those people who suggest that you should feel the same way healthy or overnight, sometimes so far as not discuss it with your spouse (or not allowed to have influence) if the situation was instead that the spouse decided to quit their job and sit on the couch all day and watch Netflix.
Asking someone to financially support you vs. not caring if someone packs on a few lbs. That's a pretty big difference.4 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »richardgavel wrote: »I am curious if those people who suggest that you should feel the same way healthy or overnight, sometimes so far as not discuss it with your spouse (or not allowed to have influence) if the situation was instead that the spouse decided to quit their job and sit on the couch all day and watch Netflix.
Asking someone to financially support you vs. not caring if someone packs on a few lbs. That's a pretty big difference.
I agree, big difference between the two. Even still - you need to have good communication.1 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »richardgavel wrote: »I am curious if those people who suggest that you should feel the same way healthy or overnight, sometimes so far as not discuss it with your spouse (or not allowed to have influence) if the situation was instead that the spouse decided to quit their job and sit on the couch all day and watch Netflix.
Asking someone to financially support you vs. not caring if someone packs on a few lbs. That's a pretty big difference.
Actually I don't see a huge difference. And my SO has done both. I choose to have him in my life for what other things he brings into it like laughter, children, companionship, etc. and not for how much money he brings in or how much he weighs. I'm more than capable of taking care of my family on my own. It may mean some changes to our lifestyle, but it's all in how you view things. Some would feel taken advantage of.3 -
I have been married for 31 years. Yes, he loves me no matter the size as I do him. He does however have a size he prefers on me as I do on him. I am not talking an exact size, but within 20 pounds or so. There is being healthy to think about as well. When I eat healthy, I notice he follows suit.4
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mom23mangos wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »richardgavel wrote: »I am curious if those people who suggest that you should feel the same way healthy or overnight, sometimes so far as not discuss it with your spouse (or not allowed to have influence) if the situation was instead that the spouse decided to quit their job and sit on the couch all day and watch Netflix.
Asking someone to financially support you vs. not caring if someone packs on a few lbs. That's a pretty big difference.
Actually I don't see a huge difference. And my SO has done both. I choose to have him in my life for what other things he brings into it like laughter, children, companionship, etc. and not for how much money he brings in or how much he weighs. I'm more than capable of taking care of my family on my own. It may mean some changes to our lifestyle, but it's all in how you view things. Some would feel taken advantage of.
You don't see a difference in someone quitting their job to sit on the couch watching internet TV all day and someone gaining weight? Wow, I sure do.2
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