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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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It's baffling to me that people think their mate SHOULDN'T have anything to say about their weight. It's not like it doesn't impact their lives, too.3
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There is a big difference between having a say and "dictating" someone's habits. I am 55 and my partner is 64 so the perspective has shifted. We encourage each other to stay fit and lose weight because we have a long-term vested interest in each other. Our philosophy is "grow old with me the best is get to come" not just grow old.5
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
Not demands, but one must be honest. Dr Willard Harley talks about emotional needs in his book "His Needs, Her Needs"
Having an attractive spouse is as much a valid emotional need as is having an honest spouse, or a spouse who will engage enthusiastically in conversation, or recreation or sex, or a whole host of needs.
One cannot DEMAND it, but it's not illegitimate to say that they are turned off by what someone is doing if they are not staying in shape.
If find little difference in the turn-off potential of a spouse who lets the emotional part of the relationship go by never dating, never sharing affection, never engaging in conversation and the turn-off potential of a spouse who doubles their body weight because they never exercise and make poor/selfish choices when it comes to nutrition.
The most damaging thing in a relationship is the expectation of unconditional love. Couples don't decide to marry because of a lack of conditions. If you really wanted unconditional relationships, then anyone would do.
You didn't just marry anyone. You married someone who met your emotional needs. Checked enough boxes on your checklist. In other words, they met the conditions you established for a spouse.
To then expect that person to unconditionally love you is one-sided and selfish.1 -
A conversation I've just had with hubby:
Me: Babe can you get me my water from the fridge please?
Him: Get it yourself you fat f**k
Me: Can you roll me off of the bed then please?
Him: You've got more rolls than a bakery
I believe that honesty is best in these situations and although we do laugh and joke about being fat we do both know it and are on this journey together. In my opinion, if you are concerned about your partners health (or vice versa) then you should address that issue but assure your loved one that you still find them attractive and love them no less but you are becoming concerned for their health and you are trying to look out for them.7 -
tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »The most damaging thing in a relationship is the expectation of unconditional love. Couples don't decide to marry because of a lack of conditions. If you really wanted unconditional relationships, then anyone would do.
You didn't just marry anyone. You married someone who met your emotional needs. Checked enough boxes on your checklist. In other words, they met the conditions you established for a spouse.
To then expect that person to unconditionally love you is one-sided and selfish.
When you enter a relationship you don't automatically expect the other person to love you unconditionally from the first date. You develop a pattern of actions together overtime, putting each other before everything else. You start saying "We" instead of "I". That's what unconditional love is. It's the two of you deciding that your bond is the most precious gift in the world and doing everything you can together to protect it and nourish it. To me, the "checklist" logic is naive. If I had just been looking for someone to check off some boxes I could have settled for anyone with a penis and a brain. Unconditional love is the least selfish thing you can do, you are literally giving up the ability to only care about yourself, and instead promising to put your partnership before everything else. I consider my partners happiness, health, safety, emotions, etc. constantly, in everything I do. They are as important to me as my own. In that way, "I" don't even exist anymore the way I did when I was single.
With that said, I believe his body is his. He lives in it. I don't go to other peoples homes and tell them how to decorate. He shows me the same courtesy by not policing my body either. Our health is a different topic though. If he told me that he wants me to be a healthier weight so we can grow old together, I'd do it because it benefits both of us. I'd expect the same from him. To me that has nothing to do with "attractiveness".
Both of our looks have changed since we met and will continue to change as we age, but that doesn't effect how attracted we are to each other at all. I'm very in love with him. If he quadrupled his body weight I'd love him and still be attracted to him. If he turned green and his dick fell off, I'd still love him and would still be attracted to him. Nothing he could do to his "outside" would ever make him any less attractive to me because he's a lovely, caring, smart, kind, wonderful person and I choose to love him everyday.
If you're "turned off" by someone who's gained weight, I'd argue that you were never attracted to the parts of them that matter to begin with.0 -
If you're "turned off" by someone who's gained weight, I'd argue that you were never attracted to the parts of them that matter to begin with.
That's the thing about human beings. Not only is their body theirs, but also their minds, their preferences.
You don't get to decide for another what really matters. So you can say and believe all you want regarding what "should" and "shouldn't" matter. But, if they are really a whole individual, they get to have a set of what matters and what doesn't that may not correspond with your list.
And that's ok. If it's not, do you really love that person, or just love the image of them you have determined they "should" be?
Be careful how you answer. You may find that your love has conditions after all. Imposing a view of what matters is a form of conditions, and therefore, not unconditional, but rather conditional love.
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tbright1965 wrote: »
Not demands, but one must be honest. Dr Willard Harley talks about emotional needs in his book "His Needs, Her Needs"
Having an attractive spouse is as much a valid emotional need as is having an honest spouse, or a spouse who will engage enthusiastically in conversation, or recreation or sex, or a whole host of needs.
One cannot DEMAND it, but it's not illegitimate to say that they are turned off by what someone is doing if they are not staying in shape.
If find little difference in the turn-off potential of a spouse who lets the emotional part of the relationship go by never dating, never sharing affection, never engaging in conversation and the turn-off potential of a spouse who doubles their body weight because they never exercise and make poor/selfish choices when it comes to nutrition.
The most damaging thing in a relationship is the expectation of unconditional love. Couples don't decide to marry because of a lack of conditions. If you really wanted unconditional relationships, then anyone would do.
You didn't just marry anyone. You married someone who met your emotional needs. Checked enough boxes on your checklist. In other words, they met the conditions you established for a spouse.
To then expect that person to unconditionally love you is one-sided and selfish.
I need coffee before I respond to this. Some I agree with, but I disagree with unconditional love being “selfish” in a marriage. I will be back on this one.0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »
I need coffee before I respond to this. Some I agree with, but I disagree with unconditional love being “selfish” in a marriage. I will be back on this one.
Selfish is my characterization based on my understanding of what unconditional love really is. It's essentially love me regardless what I do. If you have an affair, I have to love you because unconditional love. If you abuse me, I have to love you because you expect unconditional love.
Obviously, love isn't unconditional. If you abuse me or cheat on me, you destroy any romantic love I might have had for you.
(Not you specifically, just an example here.)
But don't take my word for it. Read Dr Harley himself:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_ul.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_ul2.html
Even on the emotional need for an attractive spouse:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5502_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5502b_qa.html
I'd encourage you to read the first two paragraphs of his response in the second letter.
The need for an attractive spouse is no less valid than the need for a spouse who is a recreational partner, or engages in conversation, or sex, or earns a living, or picks up after themselves, and so on.
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I think a spouse/partner can definitely voice their opinion of the others physical body and health. My husband and I have been married since we were young and have 2 teenagers. I love that my husband is just as attracted to me now as he was when we met. I like looking and feeling attractive. I like that my husband feels the same. I want us both to live long and healthy lives. I believe our marriage would fall apart if one of us was to ever become super morbidly obese but it's more of an issue on health rather than body itself. That's not healthy and to me it's like a slow painful suicide.2
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Being concerned about that person's health is always a reason to discuss something WITH compassion.
HOWEVER..... if you are with someone who criticizes, compares you to others, nags, or demands that you change yourself to what they think you should be, that's a big deal breaker to me. Nobody has the right to 'Demand' that you change your appearance, weight, boob size, hair, or anything else.
You are a beautiful lady. If someone is demanding anything like that, show him the door!
Just my opinion.0 -
you can be concerned about their health but change is part of life, sagging is part of aging so appearance no say1
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I think a small weight gain or loss especially in the setting of depression, pregnancy, or injury should be overlooked. I dont think it is ok to meet someone and you look a certain way, and then get lazy and gain a ton of weight and expect your SO to be happy about it.2
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IMHO, it varies. If one has a history of anorexia, or other eating/ body image disorders, then yes.
If one has fairly honest self image, then provably not.0 -
Yes0
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stellarks1945 wrote: »Thankfully, I am married to a wonderful, Godly man with a biblical perspective on body image/beauty, so his “demands” are nothing more than “take care of your body to the glory of God”.
I know there are some men out there who demand things of their wives that are unattainable or not healthy for them, and to those women I say submit when possible, seek guidance when the demands are sinful. This statement will probably get so much grief, but I like for my husband to maintain good health. That doesn’t mean he can’t have fat on him, doesn’t mean he can’t be on the thinner side; that only means that I want him to be conscious of his health, active, and aware of what he puts into his body. Really, that should be all of our goals. Being unhealthy isn’t something to settle for. If anyone’s husband is asking them to be anything but healthy...rebuking should happen. Not by you as a wife but by good men who can influence him positively and help him to see where beauty really comes from. I take care of myself bc I love my husband. I’m in submission to my husband, my goal in life it to serve him, make his life a little easier, make him happy. I’m his helpmeet and playmate. I don’t think it’d be right for me to just completely let myself go bc that tells my husband I’m lazy. My role in my life and my marriage is to not be lazy while my husband is out busting his butt to provide a good life for us! He deserves to come home to a healthy, joyful, hardworking wife!
@stellarks1945 While some of the things I agree with, others make it seem like you have no individuality outside of your marriage. And I do not like the correlation of fat equating to being lazy. I know some thin looking lazy people.1 -
stellarks1945 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »stellarks1945 wrote: »Thankfully, I am married to a wonderful, Godly man with a biblical perspective on body image/beauty, so his “demands” are nothing more than “take care of your body to the glory of God”.
I know there are some men out there who demand things of their wives that are unattainable or not healthy for them, and to those women I say submit when possible, seek guidance when the demands are sinful. This statement will probably get so much grief, but I like for my husband to maintain good health. That doesn’t mean he can’t have fat on him, doesn’t mean he can’t be on the thinner side; that only means that I want him to be conscious of his health, active, and aware of what he puts into his body. Really, that should be all of our goals. Being unhealthy isn’t something to settle for. If anyone’s husband is asking them to be anything but healthy...rebuking should happen. Not by you as a wife but by good men who can influence him positively and help him to see where beauty really comes from. I take care of myself bc I love my husband. I’m in submission to my husband, my goal in life it to serve him, make his life a little easier, make him happy. I’m his helpmeet and playmate. I don’t think it’d be right for me to just completely let myself go bc that tells my husband I’m lazy. My role in my life and my marriage is to not be lazy while my husband is out busting his butt to provide a good life for us! He deserves to come home to a healthy, joyful, hardworking wife!
@stellarks1945 While some of the things I agree with, others make it seem like you have no individuality outside of your marriage. And I do not like the correlation of fat equating to being lazy. I know some thin looking lazy people.
Anyone can be lazy. The basic definition of being fat comes down to not burning more calories than you consume. I suppose you could be a hard worker but just eat a TON, thus resulting in fat, but that’s pretty rare.
My views on marriage are solely based off of the Bible and keeping in line with the commands of God when it comes to marriage, and our roles as husbands and wives; I didn’t expect you to agree.
When you say that's rare, is that just a reflection of your personal observations? Because in my observations in the workplace, family, and social groups, I notice many overweight people who are not lazy. I have been overweight and am now not, but my level of industry hasn't really changed. I just now maintain a balance between the energy I'm expending and my calorie intake. I'm not a different person than I was before, just a smaller one.1 -
ConfuseUs say: Men marry women for how they are, then they change. Women marry men for what they can become, then they dont.3
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stellarks1945 wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »stellarks1945 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »stellarks1945 wrote: »Thankfully, I am married to a wonderful, Godly man with a biblical perspective on body image/beauty, so his “demands” are nothing more than “take care of your body to the glory of God”.
I know there are some men out there who demand things of their wives that are unattainable or not healthy for them, and to those women I say submit when possible, seek guidance when the demands are sinful. This statement will probably get so much grief, but I like for my husband to maintain good health. That doesn’t mean he can’t have fat on him, doesn’t mean he can’t be on the thinner side; that only means that I want him to be conscious of his health, active, and aware of what he puts into his body. Really, that should be all of our goals. Being unhealthy isn’t something to settle for. If anyone’s husband is asking them to be anything but healthy...rebuking should happen. Not by you as a wife but by good men who can influence him positively and help him to see where beauty really comes from. I take care of myself bc I love my husband. I’m in submission to my husband, my goal in life it to serve him, make his life a little easier, make him happy. I’m his helpmeet and playmate. I don’t think it’d be right for me to just completely let myself go bc that tells my husband I’m lazy. My role in my life and my marriage is to not be lazy while my husband is out busting his butt to provide a good life for us! He deserves to come home to a healthy, joyful, hardworking wife!
@stellarks1945 While some of the things I agree with, others make it seem like you have no individuality outside of your marriage. And I do not like the correlation of fat equating to being lazy. I know some thin looking lazy people.
Anyone can be lazy. The basic definition of being fat comes down to not burning more calories than you consume. I suppose you could be a hard worker but just eat a TON, thus resulting in fat, but that’s pretty rare.
My views on marriage are solely based off of the Bible and keeping in line with the commands of God when it comes to marriage, and our roles as husbands and wives; I didn’t expect you to agree.
When you say that's rare, is that just a reflection of your personal observations? Because in my observations in the workplace, family, and social groups, I notice many overweight people who are not lazy. I have been overweight and am now not, but my level of industry hasn't really changed. I just now maintain a balance between the energy I'm expending and my calorie intake. I'm not a different person than I was before, just a smaller one.
Totally a reflection of my personal observations. I’m speaking out of opinion, not fact. I know there are many times where “fat” people are not lazy BUT I would think if you’re burning more calories than you’re consuming, you are not going to be fat. I grew up in a family of hard working blue collared people who were always outside working, busting their guts. So the definition of laziness to me is most likely much different than that of most. I know equating fat to lazy is something that is a no no to some people, but a lot of times, (not always) if you’re fat, you have been lazy. I’ve been fat, I’ve also been lazy. I’ve been skinny, also been lazy. Lol!
If you're burning more calories than you're consuming consistently, then you won't be fat. But one can work quite hard and still consume more energy than their body is using. All obesity requires is to consume *more* than you're using -- the amount of energy you're using can still be quite high. And this is on top of the fact that there are many types of industrious behavior that don't require physical work at all -- someone can be very high achieving in school, work, or family life without necessarily expending a lot of physical energy.
If you're working from a idiosyncratic definition of "laziness" it may be difficult for me to fully understand what you're saying, but if you're saying that your definition just comes from your origin in a family of hard-working people, I don't know if that's so unusual. For my personal experience, I have some hard workers in my family and I've spent a good portion of my career in warehouses, where there are many people who work quite hard. Some of them were overweight. Some of the hardest working nurses I know are overweight as well. Most of us probably know some overweight parents too and I consider (good) parenting to be something it's impossible to do while indulging laziness. Just keeping up with young children is a huge amount of work.3 -
stellarks1945 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »stellarks1945 wrote: »Thankfully, I am married to a wonderful, Godly man with a biblical perspective on body image/beauty, so his “demands” are nothing more than “take care of your body to the glory of God”.
I know there are some men out there who demand things of their wives that are unattainable or not healthy for them, and to those women I say submit when possible, seek guidance when the demands are sinful. This statement will probably get so much grief, but I like for my husband to maintain good health. That doesn’t mean he can’t have fat on him, doesn’t mean he can’t be on the thinner side; that only means that I want him to be conscious of his health, active, and aware of what he puts into his body. Really, that should be all of our goals. Being unhealthy isn’t something to settle for. If anyone’s husband is asking them to be anything but healthy...rebuking should happen. Not by you as a wife but by good men who can influence him positively and help him to see where beauty really comes from. I take care of myself bc I love my husband. I’m in submission to my husband, my goal in life it to serve him, make his life a little easier, make him happy. I’m his helpmeet and playmate. I don’t think it’d be right for me to just completely let myself go bc that tells my husband I’m lazy. My role in my life and my marriage is to not be lazy while my husband is out busting his butt to provide a good life for us! He deserves to come home to a healthy, joyful, hardworking wife!
@stellarks1945 While some of the things I agree with, others make it seem like you have no individuality outside of your marriage. And I do not like the correlation of fat equating to being lazy. I know some thin looking lazy people.
Anyone can be lazy. The basic definition of being fat comes down to not burning more calories than you consume. I suppose you could be a hard worker but just eat a TON, thus resulting in fat, but that’s pretty rare.
My views on marriage are solely based off of the Bible and keeping in line with the commands of God when it comes to marriage, and our roles as husbands and wives; I didn’t expect you to agree.
Regardless of the "basic definition of being fat" definition. There are a lot of thin or skinny fat people that eat at a calorie deficit alone because they are too lazy to exercise or challenge their body. As far as your marriage, if it works for you - that's fine and hoo ray for you! I just stated that it seems like there is no individuality in what you described.0 -
ConfuseUs say: Men marry women for how they are, then they change. Women marry men for what they can become, then they dont.
@HRODERICK or Men marry when they DECIDE they want a wife. And women marry when they fall in LOVE.0
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