Serious/heavy/deep/real stuff
Replies
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@FourWindsWalker - everything you said and worse, happened in my sister’s first marriage. I can’t describe to you the constant fear and anxiety I had for her all those years and it turned out she protected me and only shared a small part. My feelings probably amount to 2% of what she was feeling.
I respectfully urge you to please take the first step and protect yourself. Talk to your doctor, call a help line, make an online appointment with a therapist/psychologist, anything to have you started on this road. Do not waste a minute more on him and channel your energy only into building a life with people who appreciate you, love and respect you and the time spent together.
Best of luck to you!6 -
I'm having a really hard time today. The sadness that fills my heart today is too much and all I keep thinking is if I can get through this hour I will be okay....20
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I've been with the same company for 15 years and have worked in the same industry for 35.
My boss helped start a side venture that really took off and is now slowing down/stopping (I'm not sure how that's going to go) his main business. We originally were going to go through one more of our busy seasons until that happened but, apparently, now it might be a matter of weeks. This industry is all I've known for 35 years (altho, now that I think about it, it makes more sense for me to be involved in the side venture 😀)!
He's going to catch me up on what's going on today but I hate change and I'm not ready for what this may mean at all.6 -
Everyone thank you for your encouraging words and the willingness to share parts of your experience/knowledge. This has given me a boost to face a huge fear of mine. I did find a therapist that specializes in narcissistic abuse. Happens to live in the same neighborhood. Go figure.
Universe at work.
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I've been with the same company for 15 years and have worked in the same industry for 35.
My boss helped start a side venture that really took off and is now slowing down/stopping (I'm not sure how that's going to go) his main business. We originally were going to go through one more of our busy seasons until that happened but, apparently, now it might be a matter of weeks. This industry is all I've known for 35 years (altho, now that I think about it, it makes more sense for me to be involved in the side venture 😀)!
He's going to catch me up on what's going on today but I hate change and I'm not ready for what this may mean at all.
Update?0 -
I've been with the same company for 15 years and have worked in the same industry for 35.
My boss helped start a side venture that really took off and is now slowing down/stopping (I'm not sure how that's going to go) his main business. We originally were going to go through one more of our busy seasons until that happened but, apparently, now it might be a matter of weeks. This industry is all I've known for 35 years (altho, now that I think about it, it makes more sense for me to be involved in the side venture 😀)!
He's going to catch me up on what's going on today but I hate change and I'm not ready for what this may mean at all.
Update?
None yet. He was with a client by the time I was leaving and I don't stay late unless I have to. 😀2 -
For 2 fleeting seconds this a.m. I truly fantasized about filling the gas tank and going. Somewhere. Anywhere. Escape is my middle name.
Instead, I came home and headed to the kitchen. Argh7 -
6 years ago today, my Dad walked me down the aisle. I wasn't getting married-- my step-aunt actually was because same-sex marriage was FINALLY legalized in NC in 2014. I wore a simple white dress and my aunt's fiancee let me borrow her bouquet.
See, Dad was diagnosed at the age of 55 with metastatic pancreatic cancer in August of 2014. What we suspected was gallbladder trouble or at worst, a liver issue, turned out to be cancer stemming from his pancreas that had already spread to these other organs, hence the symptoms. I don't know if you know much about pancan, but once you are symptomatic, the survival rate is something like 6%. That's about a 94% morbidity rate.
So, by October of 2014, the chemo was kicking his butt --though we were grateful at the time that he had decided to attempt treatment, we would later change our minds on that because it became impossible to tell if it was the chemo or the cancer making him sicker--and we were all coming to grips with the fact that every day was possibly The Last.
I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 2+ years. Marriage wasn't a prospect. I was 28 and the youngest of 3 girls, and the other 2 had the traditional walk down the aisle on their big days. We wanted it, too.
Daddy wasn't feeling well at all, but he grabbed my elbow and with all eyes on us, we traipsed down the makeshift aisle to the small flowered arbor we had assembled for my step-aunts to get married under there on the waterfront.
Standing under it, we stopped and he told me that this is where the minister would ask who gives this woman away and he would say, her mother and I do. And we hugged. And I just kept whispering to him, you're going to be there, Dad. This is just a formality. You're gonna be there.
Dad passed away 7 months later in his home. He was 56.
I met a great guy in 2016 and in August, we got married in a tiny little waterside ceremony under a tree. My Dad's ashes were in a big, beautiful jar just a few feet away. My StepDad gave me away.
Today on Facebook memories, the photo of Daddy in and I 2014 popped up.
I am having a hard time, today. I cannot believe I got married without him there. I can't believe how fast time has moved on without him. I miss him so much.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I'll share some photos for your trouble. In the last one you can see his jar right there near all the other guests.
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thehumanpickle wrote: »6 years ago today, my Dad walked me down the aisle. I wasn't getting married-- my step-aunt actually was because same-sex marriage was FINALLY legalized in NC in 2014. I wore a simple white dress and my aunt's fiancee let me borrow her bouquet.
See, Dad was diagnosed at the age of 55 with metastatic pancreatic cancer in August of 2014. What we suspected was gallbladder trouble or at worst, a liver issue, turned out to be cancer stemming from his pancreas that had already spread to these other organs, hence the symptoms. I don't know if you know much about pancan, but once you are symptomatic, the survival rate is something like 6%. That's about a 94% morbidity rate.
So, by October of 2014, the chemo was kicking his butt --though we were grateful at the time that he had decided to attempt treatment, we would later change our minds on that because it became impossible to tell if it was the chemo or the cancer making him sicker--and we were all coming to grips with the fact that every day was possibly The Last.
I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 2+ years. Marriage wasn't a prospect. I was 28 and the youngest of 3 girls, and the other 2 had the traditional walk down the aisle on their big days. We wanted it, too.
Daddy wasn't feeling well at all, but he grabbed my elbow and with all eyes on us, we traipsed down the makeshift aisle to the small flowered arbor we had assembled for my step-aunts to get married under there on the waterfront.
Standing under it, we stopped and he told me that this is where the minister would ask who gives this woman away and he would say, her mother and I do. And we hugged. And I just kept whispering to him, you're going to be there, Dad. This is just a formality. You're gonna be there.
Dad passed away 7 months later in his home. He was 56.
I met a great guy in 2016 and in August, we got married in a tiny little waterside ceremony under a tree. My Dad's ashes were in a big, beautiful jar just a few feet away. My StepDad gave me away.
Today on Facebook memories, the photo of Daddy in and I 2014 popped up.
I am having a hard time, today. I cannot believe I got married without him there. I can't believe how fast time has moved on without him. I miss him so much.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I'll share some photos for your trouble. In the last one you can see his jar right there near all the other guests.
Precious memories of a precious man. Thank you for sharing, thinking of you today.. hope your day has some unexpected beautiful moments.4 -
thehumanpickle wrote: »6 years ago today, my Dad walked me down the aisle. I wasn't getting married-- my step-aunt actually was because same-sex marriage was FINALLY legalized in NC in 2014. I wore a simple white dress and my aunt's fiancee let me borrow her bouquet.
See, Dad was diagnosed at the age of 55 with metastatic pancreatic cancer in August of 2014. What we suspected was gallbladder trouble or at worst, a liver issue, turned out to be cancer stemming from his pancreas that had already spread to these other organs, hence the symptoms. I don't know if you know much about pancan, but once you are symptomatic, the survival rate is something like 6%. That's about a 94% morbidity rate.
So, by October of 2014, the chemo was kicking his butt --though we were grateful at the time that he had decided to attempt treatment, we would later change our minds on that because it became impossible to tell if it was the chemo or the cancer making him sicker--and we were all coming to grips with the fact that every day was possibly The Last.
I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 2+ years. Marriage wasn't a prospect. I was 28 and the youngest of 3 girls, and the other 2 had the traditional walk down the aisle on their big days. We wanted it, too.
Daddy wasn't feeling well at all, but he grabbed my elbow and with all eyes on us, we traipsed down the makeshift aisle to the small flowered arbor we had assembled for my step-aunts to get married under there on the waterfront.
Standing under it, we stopped and he told me that this is where the minister would ask who gives this woman away and he would say, her mother and I do. And we hugged. And I just kept whispering to him, you're going to be there, Dad. This is just a formality. You're gonna be there.
Dad passed away 7 months later in his home. He was 56.
I met a great guy in 2016 and in August, we got married in a tiny little waterside ceremony under a tree. My Dad's ashes were in a big, beautiful jar just a few feet away. My StepDad gave me away.
Today on Facebook memories, the photo of Daddy in and I 2014 popped up.
I am having a hard time, today. I cannot believe I got married without him there. I can't believe how fast time has moved on without him. I miss him so much.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I'll share some photos for your trouble. In the last one you can see his jar right there near all the other guests.
Precious memories of a precious man. Thank you for sharing, thinking of you today.. hope your day has some unexpected beautiful moments.
Life is so bittersweet. So glad your father had the foresight to walk you down the aisle...and that you got to do it again with your stepdad. Yet it must be tough to see the Facebook memories.
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I've been with the same company for 15 years and have worked in the same industry for 35.
My boss helped start a side venture that really took off and is now slowing down/stopping (I'm not sure how that's going to go) his main business. We originally were going to go through one more of our busy seasons until that happened but, apparently, now it might be a matter of weeks. This industry is all I've known for 35 years (altho, now that I think about it, it makes more sense for me to be involved in the side venture 😀)!
He's going to catch me up on what's going on today but I hate change and I'm not ready for what this may mean at all.
Update?
Ok, update!
He'll be out of town for most of the rest of year only coming back for holidays because the new venture needs him there. I don't think we're completely getting rid of all our clients....only the small time individuals. He's been wanting/needing to slow down anyway. He spends way too many late nights at work during our busy season.
It'll mostly be business as usual while he's gone. I might get tired of actually leaving early! (While the cat's away and all.
)
And that's all I know other than some personal stuff you guys wouldn't care about. 4 -
I've been with the same company for 15 years and have worked in the same industry for 35.
My boss helped start a side venture that really took off and is now slowing down/stopping (I'm not sure how that's going to go) his main business. We originally were going to go through one more of our busy seasons until that happened but, apparently, now it might be a matter of weeks. This industry is all I've known for 35 years (altho, now that I think about it, it makes more sense for me to be involved in the side venture 😀)!
He's going to catch me up on what's going on today but I hate change and I'm not ready for what this may mean at all.
Update?
Ok, update!
He'll be out of town for most of the rest of year only coming back for holidays because the new venture needs him there. I don't think we're completely getting rid of all our clients....only the small time individuals. He's been wanting/needing to slow down anyway. He spends way too many late nights at work during our busy season.
It'll mostly be business as usual while he's gone. I might get tired of actually leaving early! (While the cat's away and all.)
And that's all I know other than some personal stuff you guys wouldn't care about.
So we’re all smiles? It’s basically good news?0 -
@thehumanpickle If I could give you 100 hugs I would.
I believe your dad has been beside you all this time. So sorry for your loss.
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I've been with the same company for 15 years and have worked in the same industry for 35.
My boss helped start a side venture that really took off and is now slowing down/stopping (I'm not sure how that's going to go) his main business. We originally were going to go through one more of our busy seasons until that happened but, apparently, now it might be a matter of weeks. This industry is all I've known for 35 years (altho, now that I think about it, it makes more sense for me to be involved in the side venture 😀)!
He's going to catch me up on what's going on today but I hate change and I'm not ready for what this may mean at all.
Update?
Ok, update!
He'll be out of town for most of the rest of year only coming back for holidays because the new venture needs him there. I don't think we're completely getting rid of all our clients....only the small time individuals. He's been wanting/needing to slow down anyway. He spends way too many late nights at work during our busy season.
It'll mostly be business as usual while he's gone. I might get tired of actually leaving early! (While the cat's away and all.)
And that's all I know other than some personal stuff you guys wouldn't care about.
So we’re all smiles? It’s basically good news?
So far! 1 -
I came home this evening after spending 8 hours at the hospital with my husband while he saw doctors and did chemo and my lawn was mowed, the gutters had been cleaned, my floors were mopped and dinner was in the fridge ready to just heat up. I actually started crying-all stuff I was trying to get done and just hadn't because I'd spent all weekend working since I knew I was going to be out of the office most of the week.
I am trying so hard to do everything and keep my husband's spirits up and I feel like I'm failing. There just aren't enough hours in the day. So to have people come and do all that for us just hit me hard. I know I can't do it all and some days I just want everyone and everything to go away so I can just take care of my husband.
I am so lucky to have people who love us and ignore my "I'll get to it" and just take care of some things for us.
I love everyone's thoughts here, people are so open and caring about others.16 -
Thanks everyone for your kind words. It was the first time I saw that particular memory since I got married a couple of months ago and it just... hit different this year. It's always a hard one to think about. I have a photo from that day framed, but I am a slacker when it comes to actually hanging things...
This week is just a tough week, tomorrow would be his 62nd birthday.
I'm going to bake his favorite cake-- devil's food with chocolate icing-- and share with my husband and my coworkers. I'll try to find some way to pay it forward in his honor/memory. Just gotta keep moving forward.7 -
I don't get deep with a lot of folks because I have the literal worst opinions, to the point that some of them would get me fired if the wrong person heard about them. Instead I deflect too much with humor, most of it self-deprecating, and I end up pushing away potential friends. The only people left who seem to want to put up with me are submissive types who need me to tell them to drink water and not tolerate people who are bad to them.6
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hawkeye45_ wrote: »I don't get deep with a lot of folks because I have the literal worst opinions, to the point that some of them would get me fired if the wrong person heard about them. Instead I deflect too much with humor, most of it self-deprecating, and I end up pushing away potential friends. The only people left who seem to want to put up with me are submissive types who need me to tell them to drink water and not tolerate people who are bad to them.
Just remember: To all of us, some of our opinions will be perceived as downright evil to others. That is one of the downsides to living in a society; everyone has differing opinions on what constitutes the "right" or ethical things.
And nothing in life is black and white. We all operate in a world of greys, whether we want to admit to it or not.4 -
That's one of the lessons life has taught me; I grew up in a very black or white household. As much as I loved and respected my parents, it was hard seeing things only being their way or wrong. Gray became the color of my life choices as I got older and learned that life is not black and white only. So many blurred lines. Or maybe that's the Libra in me talking. 7
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All or Nothing thinking with food affects every area of our life. We learn these behaviors in childhood. We observe our family and relatives and we simply keeping carrying on in the family tradition.
Do everything on your own terms. Give yourselves permission to do your own thinking. Take what you need from a bunch of different sources because there's safety in that. Let everything else eat your dust because you will not be deterred.
If you have that All or Nothing approach to life it results in narrow thinking and a narrow way of life. Maybe you've dropped the weight, you're at your dream weight but that very narrow and rigid way of living and thinking is still with you. You can't roam free. Think out of the box because there is no box. The sky is not the limit and it never was. There's infinity.
Be a free range roamer and think for yourself.
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I cant decide if I should have a 3rd baby or not. I can't stop thinking about it, ever. But at the same time things are so nice with my two children right now and im not sure I feel like being pregnant again.
I have huge lists of reasons why and why not running through my head at all moments of the day and night, I'm totally obsessed. And I am wanting someone else to decide for me. But someone who will take it seriously and make the right decision lol. Why do I have to be the one to decide. My husband keeps saying he is on board with whatever and he thinks I want one cuz I can't stop obsessing. But I think the reality.. is that I want 2 or 4 because even numbers. And he doesnt want 4, he wants 3... so... I dont know!
We have a boy and girl now and it would be good to have 1 more of each since I'm worried about someone feeling left out. But the reality is I have no control over that either!!4 -
thehumanpickle wrote: »6 years ago today, my Dad walked me down the aisle. I wasn't getting married-- my step-aunt actually was because same-sex marriage was FINALLY legalized in NC in 2014. I wore a simple white dress and my aunt's fiancee let me borrow her bouquet.
See, Dad was diagnosed at the age of 55 with metastatic pancreatic cancer in August of 2014. What we suspected was gallbladder trouble or at worst, a liver issue, turned out to be cancer stemming from his pancreas that had already spread to these other organs, hence the symptoms. I don't know if you know much about pancan, but once you are symptomatic, the survival rate is something like 6%. That's about a 94% morbidity rate.
So, by October of 2014, the chemo was kicking his butt --though we were grateful at the time that he had decided to attempt treatment, we would later change our minds on that because it became impossible to tell if it was the chemo or the cancer making him sicker--and we were all coming to grips with the fact that every day was possibly The Last.
I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 2+ years. Marriage wasn't a prospect. I was 28 and the youngest of 3 girls, and the other 2 had the traditional walk down the aisle on their big days. We wanted it, too.
Daddy wasn't feeling well at all, but he grabbed my elbow and with all eyes on us, we traipsed down the makeshift aisle to the small flowered arbor we had assembled for my step-aunts to get married under there on the waterfront.
Standing under it, we stopped and he told me that this is where the minister would ask who gives this woman away and he would say, her mother and I do. And we hugged. And I just kept whispering to him, you're going to be there, Dad. This is just a formality. You're gonna be there.
Dad passed away 7 months later in his home. He was 56.
I met a great guy in 2016 and in August, we got married in a tiny little waterside ceremony under a tree. My Dad's ashes were in a big, beautiful jar just a few feet away. My StepDad gave me away.
Today on Facebook memories, the photo of Daddy in and I 2014 popped up.
I am having a hard time, today. I cannot believe I got married without him there. I can't believe how fast time has moved on without him. I miss him so much.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I'll share some photos for your trouble. In the last one you can see his jar right there near all the other guests.
Precious memories of a precious man. Thank you for sharing, thinking of you today.. hope your day has some unexpected beautiful moments.
This made me legitimately cry. I'm sorry for your loss but also that is such a precious memory.1 -
As an added kick in the pants, I get to spend the first half of the day I was dreading tomorrow- Dad's birthday- visiting the Sheriff's Office because I am being pursued by a debt collector and they like scare tactics. I just wanna go lay somewhere and not move.8
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thehumanpickle wrote: »As an added kick in the pants, I get to spend the first half of the day I was dreading tomorrow- Dad's birthday- visiting the Sheriff's Office because I am being pursued by a debt collector and they like scare tactics. I just wanna go lay somewhere and not move.
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry that is happening to you.
How is that kind of behavior or action even legal anymore? You know who uses scare tactics to get their money back? Mobsters. I hope the Sheriff can assist.
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My oldest (he's barely an adult now) told me last night that I'm scary when I'm mad. He described me as a potential Hulk in a little body. This isn't the first time he's shared this with me. Yes, I get angry (redhead rage is real for me), but I try to tamp it down. I don't throw/hit things, scream, or walk out. I do yell, but if I get mad enough I get quiet. Very quiet. I guess it could be that it's evident I am tamping it down and the unknown of what might happen if I don't is scary. I should talk to him about it, but I hesitate because it bothers me so much that my kid uses the word "scary" to describe me.6
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Today is my mom's 81st birthday.
I can see how rapidly shes declining from Alzheimer's. April 2019, she was able to use the phone and dial my number to tell me of the diagnosis. Asked me if I would leave Indianapolis and come back home to live with her.
Today, she repeatedly asked me if she was 90. Stared at the phone trying to figure out how to put it up to her face and try to talk.
Just sucks. Nothing I do is helping and it wont, per se.11 -
You can do everything right and still fail.5
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@FourWindsWalker My heart goes out to you and your mom; Alzheimer's is such a sad long journey to take for everyone. I hope and pray you and she both have a large support system in place. So many words and emotions fill my head and heart but I wish I could offer you real hugs and help. Lean on people and resources that are there, take all the help you can get. And always go with your heart in any decisions you'll need to make; be the advocate in her life and never take 100% of what the drs. tell you. Trust me, it's a long sad journey that opens one's eyes in many ways. If/when Hospice plays a part, make sure you speak up for what you feel is right. Don't let them push things on you if it doesn't feel right. And please try to never 2nd guess any decisions you might be called upon to make. There is no right, no wrong, just love.
ETA: If you ever feel like unloading, ask questions or just talking about it, please feel free to PM me.
{{HUGS}} to you and yours.6 -
Being dragged back in time to toxic people has got me on edge. I grew up in a series of foster homes. The last being the best as far as a good stable mom figure. I always thought highly of her, eventhough her real sons were nightmares. Just bad people. This special lady just died this weekend and I was contacted by the family and told send well wishes, flowers, a card, whatever id like, but dont show up to the service. I thought no problem must be a covid precaution. Turns out, i am in her will and 2 of her 4 boys were milking this woman dry until her death and dont want me anywhere near the family.....and even though she really had nothing anyway, they dont understand why im even mentioned in her will, and they dont want me to get a thing. Truth is, i dont want anything, just pay my respects and move on. But i have a feeling whether i like it or not its about to get ugly.24
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Being dragged back in time to toxic people has got me on edge. I grew up in a series of foster homes. The last being the best as far as a good stable mom figure. I always thought highly of her, eventhough her real sons were nightmares. Just bad people. This special lady just died this weekend and I was contacted by the family and told send well wishes, flowers, a card, whatever id like, but dont show up to the service. I thought no problem must be a covid precaution. Turns out, i am in her will and 2 of her 4 boys were milking this woman dry until her death and dont want me anywhere near the family.....and even though she really had nothing anyway, they dont understand why im even mentioned in her will, and they dont want me to get a thing. Truth is, i dont want anything, just pay my respects and move on. But i have a feeling whether i like it or not its about to get ugly.
I’m sorry for your loss, T.
Be well.2
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