Boyfriends standards of weight?
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snickerscharlie wrote: »Just the mere thought of you and him away in a foreign country together, removed from everything that is safe and familiar gives me the chills.
Me too. That is scary and exactly what he probably wants.9 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »Hi guys!
I have a slight problem here, I started losing weight a week ago because I weighed myself in front of my boyfriend for the same time and I weighed 66.4kg while he weighed 70kg.
He instantly started complaining about how he doesn't want his girlfriend to weigh nearly as much as him and how he wants me to weigh less. This is the first time he has ever said anything negative about my weight, I'm 5'8" and slightly chubby. However, I had been thinking about losing a bit of weight for some time so I allowed him to say that and reduced my calories, started eating healthy and exercising.
Ever since then all he does everyday is tell me that I'm still fat and need to lose more (I'm not fat, I'm chubby, my BMI is healthy and I'm a size 10/12).
Whenever I tell him that I'm cooking he tells me to watch what I eat, I just informed him that I lost two kilograms in a week and he told me that I need to lose at least 10? We have been in a relationship for 2 years and meanwhile his standards are really high to the point of being unfair, they never have physically.
I feel as if when I get the body I want I will resent him for only being attractive to such a slim body, he said that it's a "fair exchange" because he has a "hot" body???
While his body is nice, he has a normal body, nothing extraordinary and I felt quite offended by it.
How do I get over this problem? It's really bugging me. Oh, he also gets like this with other things such as my intelligence, calling me a retard, idiot,etc.
How should I solve all of this?
(No, I don't want to leave him, sorry)
Sorry hun, the only answer is to leave him. If you don't value yourself, he never will and if you stay with him you will constantly be posting posts like this one. You deserve better!3 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
How did you manage to get over it and do it? Was it difficult? (if you don't mind talking about it, of course)
I don't mind, I really hope you can learn from my mistakes, I unfortunately took way too long to leave.
First, I had to realize it for what it was. Abuse, plain and simple. He was abusing me and your guy is abusing you. And as others have said, it goes from emotional to physical REALLY quickly.
Second, to admit it WILL NOT get better. Because it didn't, and it won't for you either. He will NOT get better, I can not emphasize that enough. Do not hold out for something that will not happen. He will never be the guy that you initially fell for again. He will only get WORSE. Again, I can not emphasize that enough.
OP, do NOT stick around until the physical abuse starts, I promise you, NO ONE is worth enduring that. It's really, really hard, it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was DEFINITELY the best, you have to break it off. Because of the nature of the relationship, I did not do it in private because I didn't trust myself or him in that kind of a setting but I told him it was over. That's even how I said it, I just said it's over. He will probably freak out to some extent (I know mine did), he may try to win you back. DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. IT. Do NOT believe anything he says because he will tell you all kinds of lies to get you back under his control. DO. NOT. LET. HIM. Be firm on this. Walk away. It'll hurt for a little while, yes, but not nearly as much as it hurts if you stay.
Wow, you sound like you're a strong person. I have come to terms with the first one but I'm struggling with the second one at the moment. I feel as if I'm not ready to leave yet, but I guess that there will never be the right moment, I'll have to make it for myself. You are truly inspiring for me, I am really glad that things worked out for you and that you have an amazing husband! If this problem ever gets fixed one way or another, I would like you to know now that you have helped me just by telling me how you got through it all and that there's a possibility of having a better life.
Thank you so much for that.
There is no "right time" or "right moment" if you wait for it. Do it and don't look back with regret. Learn what you don't have to put up with and look forward. If you really want to study abroad work towards that goal and don't bother with the whole "I need to be in a relationship because.........." mentality.
I am not in the relationship with him because of that, it's just what I had been planning my life on and I hadn't really developed another alternative such as a plan B in case this didn't work out, it was/is quite naive of me now that I come to think of it.0 -
This guy is a *kitten* and you can do better.
My boyfriend knows how much bigger I am than him, and he knows my goals to lose weight. When I am victorious, he celebrates with me. When I decided to lose weight he told me that the only way me losing weight would make me any more beautiful to him is if it would make me smile more. And damn it, it does.9 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
How did you manage to get over it and do it? Was it difficult? (if you don't mind talking about it, of course)
I don't mind, I really hope you can learn from my mistakes, I unfortunately took way too long to leave.
First, I had to realize it for what it was. Abuse, plain and simple. He was abusing me and your guy is abusing you. And as others have said, it goes from emotional to physical REALLY quickly.
Second, to admit it WILL NOT get better. Because it didn't, and it won't for you either. He will NOT get better, I can not emphasize that enough. Do not hold out for something that will not happen. He will never be the guy that you initially fell for again. He will only get WORSE. Again, I can not emphasize that enough.
OP, do NOT stick around until the physical abuse starts, I promise you, NO ONE is worth enduring that. It's really, really hard, it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was DEFINITELY the best, you have to break it off. Because of the nature of the relationship, I did not do it in private because I didn't trust myself or him in that kind of a setting but I told him it was over. That's even how I said it, I just said it's over. He will probably freak out to some extent (I know mine did), he may try to win you back. DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. IT. Do NOT believe anything he says because he will tell you all kinds of lies to get you back under his control. DO. NOT. LET. HIM. Be firm on this. Walk away. It'll hurt for a little while, yes, but not nearly as much as it hurts if you stay.
Wow, you sound like you're a strong person. I have come to terms with the first one but I'm struggling with the second one at the moment. I feel as if I'm not ready to leave yet, but I guess that there will never be the right moment, I'll have to make it for myself. You are truly inspiring for me, I am really glad that things worked out for you and that you have an amazing husband! If this problem ever gets fixed one way or another, I would like you to know now that you have helped me just by telling me how you got through it all and that there's a possibility of having a better life.
Thank you so much for that.
There is no "right time" or "right moment" if you wait for it. Do it and don't look back with regret. Learn what you don't have to put up with and look forward. If you really want to study abroad work towards that goal and don't bother with the whole "I need to be in a relationship because.........." mentality.
I am not in the relationship with him because of that, it's just what I had been planning my life on and I hadn't really developed another alternative such as a plan B in case this didn't work out, it was/is quite naive of me now that I come to think of it.
Always have a Plan B and a Plan C... and sometimes a plan D.3 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »Yeah, I definitely don't agree with the tit-for-tat thing. At its best, stooping to his level is never a solution, at worst it can aggravate the matter.
I get first love. I get not wanting to give up. I get wanting to fix it. I get seeing the good in someone, and loving the good times.
But this guy is abusive and manipulative. He's not just verbally abusive, he is deliberately undermining your self worth to keep you beholden to him. He manipulates you - the way he gets oh-so-hurt when you call him out for being an asshat? That's carefully contrived to make you feel bad so you don't call him out again, and make you want to do things to keep him happy.
Personality disorder only goes so far as an excuse. And he sounds like he is using it as an excuse to just keep behaving the same awful way he does. He sounds narcissistic, self centred and cruel.
Let me put this to you. You don't want to give up, you want to stay with him. What's down the track? Do you want kids? If so, are you going to be cool with him speaking to you like this when you're pregnant? Criticising you for swollen ankles and stretch marks? What about when you do have kids? Will you stand by as their mother while their dad tears them down?
Even without kids in the picture, he isn't going to change. He has no reason to. He can speak to you like this and you think that you're the problem and start looking for ways to fix it. He's already got you believing that you're the problem, when that's so far from the truth.
THIS.
I was in a terrible relationship at 24 yo., my first boyfriend. Everybody could see we were not right for each other. He would want me to gain weight cause I was too skinny. He wanted me to dress like a streetwalker. He cheated on me, many times. Once I caught them. But....I thought I was in love, and I promised myself that I would never leave him, because when you are in love you work things out. It took him leaving me and marrying someone else before the fog lifted. I eventually got therapy.
So what is he doing to work things out with you? Sounds like you a rowing this boat alone. All the signs are there, but you are afraid to do anything about it, because you are afraid to be alone. Moving out at age 15....sounds like you had a hard life at some point, enough to move out of your caregiver's house. You found someone who gives you the same kind of pain your family of origin or caregivers gave you. It's familiar, and that's why you stay.
It's not really love but you call it that to justify the pain you're in. You both are enabling one another. You have your own issues and need to seek counseling yourself.
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The only one you can control in this relationship is you.
I'm not sure what is keeping you from ending the relationship, but I would strongly encourage you to see a counselor or therapist--not to change your boyfriend, but to understand what's going on with you. The fact that you're willing to let him belittle you on an ongoing basis is a warning sign that you need some real support.
If you live together, please consider a separation. This kind of verbal abuse and bullying can ramp up to physical violence shockingly fast.
I understand it can be hard to go out on your own, but ask yourself this: Does this behavior make you feel sad and lonely even when you're together? I'm betting it does.
Please do what it takes to take care of yourself.
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Oh honey. He's not worth it. @elliebrierleyz
You need to find happiness away from him. This man is not a gentleman, only thinks of himself and is out to hurt you. No man worth anything will say anything to upset his woman. Trust me. He's a piece of sht.
I was must like you at your age. I was with a guy who started off great, We got engaged, and he then gradually became verbally abusive. I shrugged it off and took his *kitten* because I thought I was in love. BAD MISTAKE. He put me down, cheated on me, said anything he could to purposely upset me (and yes, he did say something similar to me regarding weight). I didn't see it like this, because I was blinded by his nice moments. He became even more abusive to the point he was violent with me. He gave me bruises, broke bones, broke my spirit, drugged me to have his way with me. He made me cry. He made me ill. He made me hurt myself. He brought the worse out in me. He made me hate myself on so many levels to the point where it took me YEARS to recover from that abuse. YEARS. It was NOT worth sticking around for the time I did. I broke free because I valued my LIFE. You may not think your relationship is going that way, but I didn't thin that back then, either...and look where it got me? He had his sweet moments, and told me that he loved me dearly. I was a deer caught in the headlights. A man that hurts someone like that does NOT love anyone but himself dearly.
I met my now husband when I was 260lbs and today am nearly 100bs lighter. He loves me as much as he did (perhaps more, as we've grown with each other). My husband doesn't see me as weight or an embarrassment like your boyfriend sees you. He sees me for who I am inside. He sees me as an artist, a strong woman, a gamer, a vet. He helped me to grow into the strong, confident women who won't take a single ounce of *kitten* from anyone. He helped me to see that I am a valuable person and deserve to live.
Run far, far away from this *kitten*. Run far away and find someone who you can be best friends AND lovers with. Someone who won't make you feel any less than you are.
You deserve to be happy, but you won't find that with him. TRUST ME before it is TOO LATE.
Don't lose weight for anyone buy you and your health. EFF that noise. Stand up for yourself.14 -
The perfect guy who will treat you right is out there, but he can't find you while you are wasting time with this loser.
Get out, take care of yourself, work on regaining your strength and confidence. Live your life doing what is best for you. One day when you least expect it, you'll meet the guy who is right for you.4 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »Just the mere thought of you and him away in a foreign country together, removed from everything that is safe and familiar gives me the chills.
Quoting this to highlight it again.
OP, you can still do these things, on your own and you will be stronger for it. But I agree with Snickerscharlie here. If you feel scared and stuck now, imagine what that will feel like when you are in a foreign country and isolated from friends, family, and anything familiar. Getting tied in this much to a guy who has shown that he wants to control and manipulate you at the cost to your own mental health is not someone that you want to be relying on for anything, much less for everything. This makes me scared for you. You can still find a way to go, just do it without him.4 -
nutmegoreo wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »Just the mere thought of you and him away in a foreign country together, removed from everything that is safe and familiar gives me the chills.
Quoting this to highlight it again.
OP, you can still do these things, on your own and you will be stronger for it. But I agree with Snickerscharlie here. If you feel scared and stuck now, imagine what that will feel like when you are in a foreign country and isolated from friends, family, and anything familiar. Getting tied in this much to a guy who has shown that he wants to control and manipulate you at the cost to your own mental health is not someone that you want to be relying on for anything, much less for everything. This makes me scared for you. You can still find a way to go, just do it without him.
Agreed.
I moved from Australia to Canada 10 years ago. It was daunting enough without an abusive person in my life.3 -
The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft a-gley
-Robert Burns1 -
You are 18, you are still very young but you are still classified an adult. You need to realise sooner rather than later people are going to try to manipulate, lie, steal and cheat you and if they see a weakness in your character you are you are going to suffer majorly. This will happen in relationships, friendships, at work etc... You need to learn who and when to CUT people quickly. Energy vampires.
You are obviously not going to listen to all the posts telling you to leave him.. You will end up leaving him, maybe months, years down the track. The quicker you do it the less impact on your own psychology.
I think someone said it best above when they said grow a pair, tough love little one. Good Luck!4 -
Having spent six years leading court-ordered therapy groups for abusive men: whether or not you realize it, you're in an abusive relationship. Wake up and smell the coffee -- and make sure you have the number of your local woman's shelter in your purse or wallet just in case he decides verbal control isn't giving him the kind of results he wants.18
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Is this a serious post?3
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elliebrierleyz wrote: »Hi guys!
I have a slight problem here, I started losing weight a week ago because I weighed myself in front of my boyfriend for the same time and I weighed 66.4kg while he weighed 70kg.
He instantly started complaining about how he doesn't want his girlfriend to weigh nearly as much as him and how he wants me to weigh less. This is the first time he has ever said anything negative about my weight, I'm 5'8" and slightly chubby. However, I had been thinking about losing a bit of weight for some time so I allowed him to say that and reduced my calories, started eating healthy and exercising.
Ever since then all he does everyday is tell me that I'm still fat and need to lose more (I'm not fat, I'm chubby, my BMI is healthy and I'm a size 10/12).
Whenever I tell him that I'm cooking he tells me to watch what I eat, I just informed him that I lost two kilograms in a week and he told me that I need to lose at least 10? We have been in a relationship for 2 years and meanwhile his standards are really high to the point of being unfair, they never have physically.
I feel as if when I get the body I want I will resent him for only being attractive to such a slim body, he said that it's a "fair exchange" because he has a "hot" body???
While his body is nice, he has a normal body, nothing extraordinary and I felt quite offended by it.
How do I get over this problem? It's really bugging me. Oh, he also gets like this with other things such as my intelligence, calling me a retard, idiot,etc.
How should I solve all of this?
(No, I don't want to leave him, sorry)
I have not read the other replies, but......
Why are you with this guy? He sounds very disrespectful and controlling.
You're 5 ft 8 and around 145 pounds and he calls you fat?
You call you fat too?
You are normal weight for your height.
Dump that dude and find someone a whole lot nicer.
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TavistockToad wrote: »Calliope610 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »Hi guys!
Ever since then all he does everyday is tell me that I'm still fat and need to lose more
Oh, he also gets like this with other things such as my intelligence, calling me a retard, idiot,etc.
(No, I don't want to leave him, sorry)
this makes me so sad...
Very sad.
Ir is very sad indeed.0 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »
No, I don't rely on my boyfriend at the moment, however, he is a big part of my future, I had made plans with him to move to a different country and to apply to a university there, there I would be nearly completely dependent on him until I manage to get a job there. That university is the one that I dreamt of going to and he wanted to make it come true. Having said this now I'm slightly sceptical about going because of how things are now.
I have moved across the world for a relationship (now married) but some things to think about this quote
1) Apply to the university to see if you are accepted BEFORE you move. He can't get you accepted. And if he moes to make your dream come true and you for some reason don't get in? Everything from that day forward will be your fault for "him moving for you and you failed at the goal" You don't need that.
2) Does he have a job there already? If not, both of you are going to be unemployed? Him, without money, may make him more abusive.
3)If this is your dream, apply to the university and make the plans to move. Without him. Being in a foreign country alone may be even more liberating than it is scary. At least no scarier than being there with a man who thinks you're a fat idiot.
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that is straight up ABUSE darling. i've been in an abusive relationship for three years and finally getting out of it so i know, i KNOW it's not as simple as dumping him. if it were that easy, the world would be a much better place. but please at least understand that that is straight up abusive, manipulative, malicious behavior. if you stay with him, try to be aware of his abusive tendencies. and abusive relationships escalate if something isn't done. my dear sweet girl, take care of yourself and make sure you have good people around you who make you feel safe. you can always message me if you need support.8
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First, even if someone could help you wave a wand and change your weight to satisfy him, it would NOT be the end of his demands. There will always be something else. If he cannot love you exactly as you are (at any weight) then he does not love YOU at all, because we are more than simply bodies.elliebrierleyz wrote: »I can't insult him because I feel terrible for doing it afterwards. The worst I have called him is an *kitten* and that happened once when he told me that he was glad that I was crying because of the way he was treating me. I have called him a horrible person various times but then he gets offended over it and I feel really bad. I'm not a person that insults someone else and puts them down, even if they do the same to me, it just doesn't feel right...
You are showing YOU understand how it is to love someone (you dont want to hurt them, it hurts you!) - and are proving just as much that this object of your affections DOES NOT LOVE YOU. You are in a one-way relationship, which is no "relationship" at all.
You can't make someone love you, no matter what you change. And you cannot change another person, only they can do that.
Too many women go into a more serious relationship- marriage- believing they will change the man; while men often go into a marriage thinking the woman will change. Neither happens, and both get unhappier and end in divorce, sometimes messily and with complications because of children.
You need to place your affections on someone who also loves *you*, because your current guy does not- and most likely never will, because the fault is in him, not you.
No one expects you to just shut off your feelings, but there is no point and no future in a one-way love. To be happy (as well as safe- take it seriously when people are warning you that what you are describing most certainly will turn physically violent) you need to be on your own-away from him- so you can establish a real two-way relationship (when you're ready). It sounds impossible now, but you will learn to get past it- so many of us are telling you this, because we have done it. Leave before it becomes dangerous to try to do so, and preferably while he is at work so you dont have to find out if he is going to be abusive about it. If you have alot of things to move- try moving things he wont notice a little at a time, to some relatives house- your mother, your sister, aunt, cousin, whoever will welcome you getting away from someone who is hurting you. You *cannot* change him, and you can't "understand him" out of it. You do *not* have an obligation to be in love with - and not leave- someone who does not love (honor and cherish) you.
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