Confession Time! ((ABSOLUTELY NO JUDGEMENT))
Replies
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Susie, another faith-based question for you, and as always I apologise if this is in any way offensive to ask:
I was just out for my run and saw two little girls (maybe 4-5 years old) both wearing the hijab. This confuses me when I see it, because I always thought girls transitioned when they began their periods i.e. became a woman. Is that not right? Is it different denominations of Islam have different rules. Or is it not rules but guidelines?
We're required to cover when we reach puberty, and not before. Puberty is defined by beginning one of three things, whichever comes first: Reaching the age of fifteen, beginning menstruation (or having wet dreams, for boys), or growing pubic hair (TMI? Sorry... Just trying to be thorough!). However, a lot of little girls actually want to wear the scarf, just like some little girls want to wear make up, so they can be like their mother/role model/whatever.
Also, it's encouraged in Islam to try to foster a love for modesty and covering up in children who are younger than the age of puberty, because that way it doesn't become a difficult transition when they get older.
As you know, teens tend to rebel, and it would be a bad time for a parent to very suddenly enforce the scarf at that age. 
So as you thought, younger girls aren't at all required to cover up, but they either wanted to do so or their parents encouraged them to do so from a young age. Usually the younger children don't wear it all the time, just when they feel like it, kind of like a little girl in dress-up clothes.
Also, I could have sworn I just told everyone to stop apologizing every time they ask me a question... I'm beginning to feel a little bit like a pariah!0 -
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Susieq_1994 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »This potty training fiasco is really testing my patience right now. I love my kid, and I know she has other issues, but holy hell this is an exhausting venture!
I waited until mine were way too old to do it. I admire people who have the courage to do it with 2yos... My kids were 4.
Believe it or not, many Arabs insist that their children have to be potty trained by the age of one. This is especially strict in the non-Gulf Arab countries like Palestine and Syria. An American Muslim lady married to a Palestinian man once confided in my mother that she felt like a parenting failure because of her in-laws' shock that her son wasn't potty trained when he was one.
Aw that's sad! She shouldn't feel that way, kids all learn at different paces!
This may be a silly question so I apologize, but, when you're speaking with your husband or friends and family do y'all speak Arabic then? Does everyone know English? Yours is better than mine I feel like!
My husband is fluent in English, and we use English exclusively at home (we have a rented apartment where we live alone). His family speaks very little English, so I use Arabic when I'm visiting their home.
My immediate family uses English exclusively at home as well (my mom is American and doesn't understand a lot of Arabic), but my father's family speaks next to no English and I speak Arabic there.
When I worked, I spoke Arabic with my colleagues, because most of them didn't speak much English either, but most of the population in Saudi Arabia and Oman (especially the younger generation) do have rudimentary knowledge of English, and many actually have excellent English language skills. It really depends on where you are. If you're in the capital, you'll find 99% of the people speak English and I'll usually use English with them because I'm completely fluent in English and only about 85% fluent in Arabic. If you're in the villages or interior regions of Oman, you won't find many English speakers at all.
Why does everyone keep apologizing for asking me questions? Am I that intimidating? Bombard me, people, I don't mind! And for God's sake, everyone stop apologizing! 
Haha sorry for apologizing and just doing it again there!! thanks for answering my question that is so neat you're Bilingual!
Can I pretend to be tri-lingual since I understand British English too? 0 -
Totally, especially if you can understand Scottish people too!Susieq_1994 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »This potty training fiasco is really testing my patience right now. I love my kid, and I know she has other issues, but holy hell this is an exhausting venture!
I waited until mine were way too old to do it. I admire people who have the courage to do it with 2yos... My kids were 4.
Believe it or not, many Arabs insist that their children have to be potty trained by the age of one. This is especially strict in the non-Gulf Arab countries like Palestine and Syria. An American Muslim lady married to a Palestinian man once confided in my mother that she felt like a parenting failure because of her in-laws' shock that her son wasn't potty trained when he was one.
Aw that's sad! She shouldn't feel that way, kids all learn at different paces!
This may be a silly question so I apologize, but, when you're speaking with your husband or friends and family do y'all speak Arabic then? Does everyone know English? Yours is better than mine I feel like!
My husband is fluent in English, and we use English exclusively at home (we have a rented apartment where we live alone). His family speaks very little English, so I use Arabic when I'm visiting their home.
My immediate family uses English exclusively at home as well (my mom is American and doesn't understand a lot of Arabic), but my father's family speaks next to no English and I speak Arabic there.
When I worked, I spoke Arabic with my colleagues, because most of them didn't speak much English either, but most of the population in Saudi Arabia and Oman (especially the younger generation) do have rudimentary knowledge of English, and many actually have excellent English language skills. It really depends on where you are. If you're in the capital, you'll find 99% of the people speak English and I'll usually use English with them because I'm completely fluent in English and only about 85% fluent in Arabic. If you're in the villages or interior regions of Oman, you won't find many English speakers at all.
Why does everyone keep apologizing for asking me questions? Am I that intimidating? Bombard me, people, I don't mind! And for God's sake, everyone stop apologizing!
Haha sorry for apologizing and just doing it again there!! thanks for answering my question that is so neat you're Bilingual!
Can I pretend to be tri-lingual since I understand British English too?
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berlynnwall wrote: »So, I don't know if anyone remembers my wedding drama from way back in April*, but the short story is that my "best friend" would rather never talk to me again that work out our issues. I feel like I've broken up with a spouse. She and I have been friends longer than I've known my husband. I don't even really understand how she got this mad, and she won't tell me. And that is why I'm taking the Boo Radley challenge (not really, but I'm very sad).
*Cliff notes: She was helping me plan, I decided to elope for many valid reasons, she couldn't make it, she felt I cut her out.
That really really is sad! My best friend died two and a half years ago....and I still morn her daily...so my advice for this is life is too short, do not give up yet!!0 -
Ok, got it - thanks for explaining.Susieq_1994 wrote: »Susie, another faith-based question for you, and as always I apologise if this is in any way offensive to ask:
I was just out for my run and saw two little girls (maybe 4-5 years old) both wearing the hijab. This confuses me when I see it, because I always thought girls transitioned when they began their periods i.e. became a woman. Is that not right? Is it different denominations of Islam have different rules. Or is it not rules but guidelines?
We're required to cover when we reach puberty, and not before. Puberty is defined by beginning one of three things, whichever comes first: Reaching the age of fifteen, beginning menstruation (or having wet dreams, for boys), or growing pubic hair (TMI? Sorry... Just trying to be thorough!). However, a lot of little girls actually want to wear the scarf, just like some little girls want to wear make up, so they can be like their mother/role model/whatever.
Also, it's encouraged in Islam to try to foster a love for modesty and covering up in children who are younger than the age of puberty, because that way it doesn't become a difficult transition when they get older. As you know, teens tend to rebel, and it would be a bad time for a parent to very suddenly enforce the scarf at that age.
So as you thought, younger girls aren't at all required to cover up, but they either wanted to do so or their parents encouraged them to do so from a young age. Usually the younger children don't wear it all the time, just when they feel like it, kind of like a little girl in dress-up clothes.
Also, I could have sworn I just told everyone to stop apologizing every time they ask me a question... I'm beginning to feel a little bit like a pariah!
Also, sorry for the sorry.
And since I'm feeling a bit gif-happy this afternoon:
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Wow, today has been busy in here. I can't even begin to keep up. But my name is Shirley. I hate it. Who the heck names their kid Shirley .
My oldest daughter is Rachel, and although I can't admit this to my DH, she was named after the Friend's character. Both daughters have somewhat unusual middle names, Raven and Rain. No Shirleys, because I just couldn't do that to them.
People call my daughter Raven all the time. I'm always saying "No, RaeLYNN, not Raven." She even corrects people, "No, it's Waewynn!" Sigh, I've doomed her to a name everyone will confuse with another lol.0 -
Ridiculous!!!berlynnwall wrote: »berlynnwall wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »Italian_Buju wrote: »Italian_Buju wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »Italian_Buju wrote: »quiksylver296 wrote: »
Thanks for the replies guys. This is why my heart is broken and I've been so (BEYOND) depressed lately. I haven't talked to him since last Sunday. I have cried every day.
I did the bad thing and checked on his phone because he's been so secretive (I was able to guess the password). I saw a lot of things that I never wanted to see.
I love him so I'm struggling with my feelings right now. I know most people can't change but maybe therapy? I don't know. I am in that strange place where I don't want to be without him but I don't want to be with him if he can't change.
Sorry to complain. I feel like it's cheating too since it's a violation of trust and he is being inappropriate. We are going to meet up Friday to talk. This is the guy I've been with for almost 11 years.
I would be pissed, like I said in my last post, I would want to freak out.....
I have read a lot of the posts that say it is a deal breaker, and while some people feel that way, I do not always think it is that easy.
If it is some guy you have been with a few months or something, of course, get out right away. But if it is someone you have been with for many years and otherwise the relationship is good and this is not repeat behavior, IMO you really have to decide if it is something worth throwing the whole relationship out.
I know this might not be a popular opinion, but I do not believe the monogamy is natural for humans. Most animals are not monogamous. Even if you are doing your best to be monogamous, sometimes you become drawn to something you cannot control.
I am a firm believer that some people will always cheat, and some people may never, but given the right set of circumstances EVERYONE is capable of cheating. Ever see the movie Unfaithful? Perfect example.
I actually agree with you that people are not naturally monogamous. But unless both sides are aware and have a agreement to behave or think openly about that, sexting or carrying on a affair is cheating. You are breaking an agreement between 2 people to have a singular and committed relationship, and you are hiding this fact from the other person in the relationship. That is what I object to. If you need the rules of the relationship changed, you need a discussion with your partner and they either agree or don't agree. Sneaking around behind someone's back is always wrong.
I am not disagreeing, I consider it cheating as well. My point was that it is really hard for most people to be monogamous because it is unnatural, so if it is an otherwise great relationship and this is a one time occurrence after a decade, is it really worth losing that?
A lot of people struggle their whole lives to be monogamous because that is what society accepts, and sometimes, even though that is our intent, we fail.
Sorry, I was to edit this for spelling and also to add something but my phone was being stupid....so now I am on the laptop...
I wanted to add that I was only trying to show the other side of all the posts that say it is a deal breaker 100%, because IMO it is not always. You have to look at the big picture.
I think that is fair. Other posters said the same thing along the lines of if he is truly remorseful and you can forgive, then maybe you can move past it. Its possible. But I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship where trust was gone and could never be restored. But like most things in life, everything is individual so each person in the end has to make the decision that is right for them.
I agree. A few people said that if she stays she should insist on full rights to check his phone, internet, pockets etc. I feel like I need to say this, and it's not necessarily 100% related to your post so I apologize. I just want to caution people in this situation that that is no way to live. It is exhausting and if you think about it, what is the outcome? Either you drive yourself crazy looking for proof that they are lying and you get so focused on that that you lose the love you had for them, or you find the proof you wanted and you have lost all trust and intimacy and the love you had for them. If it's to a point where you feel like you have to search your partner for contraband, I'm sorry, but that relationship is over.
THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS! Sorry to yell, but this is a very important point.
I think it's important too. Unfortunately, I think this is the type of thing that people have to experience on their own before they get that it's a waste of time. I've actually had women tell me that I'm naive and "asking to be cheated on" because I don't invade my husband's privacy constantly. Nope x1000000
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I've started reading your story and am now on chapter 6Susieq_1994 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »This potty training fiasco is really testing my patience right now. I love my kid, and I know she has other issues, but holy hell this is an exhausting venture!
I waited until mine were way too old to do it. I admire people who have the courage to do it with 2yos... My kids were 4.
Believe it or not, many Arabs insist that their children have to be potty trained by the age of one. This is especially strict in the non-Gulf Arab countries like Palestine and Syria. An American Muslim lady married to a Palestinian man once confided in my mother that she felt like a parenting failure because of her in-laws' shock that her son wasn't potty trained when he was one.
Aw that's sad! She shouldn't feel that way, kids all learn at different paces!
This may be a silly question so I apologize, but, when you're speaking with your husband or friends and family do y'all speak Arabic then? Does everyone know English? Yours is better than mine I feel like!
My husband is fluent in English, and we use English exclusively at home (we have a rented apartment where we live alone). His family speaks very little English, so I use Arabic when I'm visiting their home.
My immediate family uses English exclusively at home as well (my mom is American and doesn't understand a lot of Arabic), but my father's family speaks next to no English and I speak Arabic there.
When I worked, I spoke Arabic with my colleagues, because most of them didn't speak much English either, but most of the population in Saudi Arabia and Oman (especially the younger generation) do have rudimentary knowledge of English, and many actually have excellent English language skills. It really depends on where you are. If you're in the capital, you'll find 99% of the people speak English and I'll usually use English with them because I'm completely fluent in English and only about 85% fluent in Arabic. If you're in the villages or interior regions of Oman, you won't find many English speakers at all.
Why does everyone keep apologizing for asking me questions? Am I that intimidating? Bombard me, people, I don't mind! And for God's sake, everyone stop apologizing!
Haha sorry for apologizing and just doing it again there!! thanks for answering my question that is so neat you're Bilingual!
Can I pretend to be tri-lingual since I understand British English too? I think you're a terrific writer. I love to write, too, so maybe I'll start using Wattpad at some point
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OK guys, I have to leave for my meeting now...I am only ten pages behind....see you in a couple hours (if I do not kill someone during said stressful meeting....)
Try not to make me another 20 pages behind by the time I get back, lol......0 -
raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »Wow, today has been busy in here. I can't even begin to keep up. But my name is Shirley. I hate it. Who the heck names their kid Shirley .
My oldest daughter is Rachel, and although I can't admit this to my DH, she was named after the Friend's character. Both daughters have somewhat unusual middle names, Raven and Rain. No Shirleys, because I just couldn't do that to them.
People call my daughter Raven all the time. I'm always saying "No, RaeLYNN, not Raven." She even corrects people, "No, it's Waewynn!" Sigh, I've doomed her to a name everyone will confuse with another lol.
Better than Amaryllis which is what I wanted to call our eldest. The only excuse I have is that I was only 21 and odd names was the thing bank then (and I really love the flower and that it means water goddess). Fortunately wiser heads prevailed and she ended up being called Gemma.0 -
That's awesome!flitterfoot wrote: »raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »Wow, today has been busy in here. I can't even begin to keep up. But my name is Shirley. I hate it. Who the heck names their kid Shirley .
My oldest daughter is Rachel, and although I can't admit this to my DH, she was named after the Friend's character. Both daughters have somewhat unusual middle names, Raven and Rain. No Shirleys, because I just couldn't do that to them.
People call my daughter Raven all the time. I'm always saying "No, RaeLYNN, not Raven." She even corrects people, "No, it's Waewynn!" Sigh, I've doomed her to a name everyone will confuse with another lol.
Better than Amaryllis which is what I wanted to call our eldest. The only excuse I have is that I was only 21 and odd names was the thing bank then (and I really love the flower and that it means water goddess). Fortunately wiser heads prevailed and she ended up being called Gemma.
When I was young and planning what my children would be called, I was always going to call a daughter Persephone Scarlett, but when it came down to it we named her Eliza. I think it was a safer option.
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I confess that after hearing everyone butchering my name, I just decided to use very common and traditional names for my kids. And also considered changing my name when I got my US citizenship a year ago... just decided against it because I didn't want more paperwork.0
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flitterfoot wrote: »raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »Wow, today has been busy in here. I can't even begin to keep up. But my name is Shirley. I hate it. Who the heck names their kid Shirley .
My oldest daughter is Rachel, and although I can't admit this to my DH, she was named after the Friend's character. Both daughters have somewhat unusual middle names, Raven and Rain. No Shirleys, because I just couldn't do that to them.
People call my daughter Raven all the time. I'm always saying "No, RaeLYNN, not Raven." She even corrects people, "No, it's Waewynn!" Sigh, I've doomed her to a name everyone will confuse with another lol.
Better than Amaryllis which is what I wanted to call our eldest. The only excuse I have is that I was only 21 and odd names was the thing bank then (and I really love the flower and that it means water goddess). Fortunately wiser heads prevailed and she ended up being called Gemma.
Both those names are beautiful!0 -
Italian_Buju wrote: »
Ridiculous!!!berlynnwall wrote: »berlynnwall wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »Italian_Buju wrote: »Italian_Buju wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »Italian_Buju wrote: »quiksylver296 wrote: »
Thanks for the replies guys. This is why my heart is broken and I've been so (BEYOND) depressed lately. I haven't talked to him since last Sunday. I have cried every day.
I did the bad thing and checked on his phone because he's been so secretive (I was able to guess the password). I saw a lot of things that I never wanted to see.
I love him so I'm struggling with my feelings right now. I know most people can't change but maybe therapy? I don't know. I am in that strange place where I don't want to be without him but I don't want to be with him if he can't change.
Sorry to complain. I feel like it's cheating too since it's a violation of trust and he is being inappropriate. We are going to meet up Friday to talk. This is the guy I've been with for almost 11 years.
I would be pissed, like I said in my last post, I would want to freak out.....
I have read a lot of the posts that say it is a deal breaker, and while some people feel that way, I do not always think it is that easy.
If it is some guy you have been with a few months or something, of course, get out right away. But if it is someone you have been with for many years and otherwise the relationship is good and this is not repeat behavior, IMO you really have to decide if it is something worth throwing the whole relationship out.
I know this might not be a popular opinion, but I do not believe the monogamy is natural for humans. Most animals are not monogamous. Even if you are doing your best to be monogamous, sometimes you become drawn to something you cannot control.
I am a firm believer that some people will always cheat, and some people may never, but given the right set of circumstances EVERYONE is capable of cheating. Ever see the movie Unfaithful? Perfect example.
I actually agree with you that people are not naturally monogamous. But unless both sides are aware and have a agreement to behave or think openly about that, sexting or carrying on a affair is cheating. You are breaking an agreement between 2 people to have a singular and committed relationship, and you are hiding this fact from the other person in the relationship. That is what I object to. If you need the rules of the relationship changed, you need a discussion with your partner and they either agree or don't agree. Sneaking around behind someone's back is always wrong.
I am not disagreeing, I consider it cheating as well. My point was that it is really hard for most people to be monogamous because it is unnatural, so if it is an otherwise great relationship and this is a one time occurrence after a decade, is it really worth losing that?
A lot of people struggle their whole lives to be monogamous because that is what society accepts, and sometimes, even though that is our intent, we fail.
Sorry, I was to edit this for spelling and also to add something but my phone was being stupid....so now I am on the laptop...
I wanted to add that I was only trying to show the other side of all the posts that say it is a deal breaker 100%, because IMO it is not always. You have to look at the big picture.
I think that is fair. Other posters said the same thing along the lines of if he is truly remorseful and you can forgive, then maybe you can move past it. Its possible. But I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship where trust was gone and could never be restored. But like most things in life, everything is individual so each person in the end has to make the decision that is right for them.
I agree. A few people said that if she stays she should insist on full rights to check his phone, internet, pockets etc. I feel like I need to say this, and it's not necessarily 100% related to your post so I apologize. I just want to caution people in this situation that that is no way to live. It is exhausting and if you think about it, what is the outcome? Either you drive yourself crazy looking for proof that they are lying and you get so focused on that that you lose the love you had for them, or you find the proof you wanted and you have lost all trust and intimacy and the love you had for them. If it's to a point where you feel like you have to search your partner for contraband, I'm sorry, but that relationship is over.
THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS! Sorry to yell, but this is a very important point.
I think it's important too. Unfortunately, I think this is the type of thing that people have to experience on their own before they get that it's a waste of time. I've actually had women tell me that I'm naive and "asking to be cheated on" because I don't invade my husband's privacy constantly. Nope x1000000
I know, right?! I always show my husband when I see a crazy woman on the internet saying something like that. Then I can say, "see, it could be worse! You are lucky!" He knows he's lucky though. I'm lucky too. I've seen some crazy men out there as well.0 -
FluffySandwich wrote: »
I've started reading your story and am now on chapter 6Susieq_1994 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »This potty training fiasco is really testing my patience right now. I love my kid, and I know she has other issues, but holy hell this is an exhausting venture!
I waited until mine were way too old to do it. I admire people who have the courage to do it with 2yos... My kids were 4.
Believe it or not, many Arabs insist that their children have to be potty trained by the age of one. This is especially strict in the non-Gulf Arab countries like Palestine and Syria. An American Muslim lady married to a Palestinian man once confided in my mother that she felt like a parenting failure because of her in-laws' shock that her son wasn't potty trained when he was one.
Aw that's sad! She shouldn't feel that way, kids all learn at different paces!
This may be a silly question so I apologize, but, when you're speaking with your husband or friends and family do y'all speak Arabic then? Does everyone know English? Yours is better than mine I feel like!
My husband is fluent in English, and we use English exclusively at home (we have a rented apartment where we live alone). His family speaks very little English, so I use Arabic when I'm visiting their home.
My immediate family uses English exclusively at home as well (my mom is American and doesn't understand a lot of Arabic), but my father's family speaks next to no English and I speak Arabic there.
When I worked, I spoke Arabic with my colleagues, because most of them didn't speak much English either, but most of the population in Saudi Arabia and Oman (especially the younger generation) do have rudimentary knowledge of English, and many actually have excellent English language skills. It really depends on where you are. If you're in the capital, you'll find 99% of the people speak English and I'll usually use English with them because I'm completely fluent in English and only about 85% fluent in Arabic. If you're in the villages or interior regions of Oman, you won't find many English speakers at all.
Why does everyone keep apologizing for asking me questions? Am I that intimidating? Bombard me, people, I don't mind! And for God's sake, everyone stop apologizing!
Haha sorry for apologizing and just doing it again there!! thanks for answering my question that is so neat you're Bilingual!
Can I pretend to be tri-lingual since I understand British English too? I think you're a terrific writer. I love to write, too, so maybe I'll start using Wattpad at some point
Thank you so much! I'm glad you're enjoying it. Wattpad is a lot of fun to write on! I usually post my poetry there, that book is my first attempt at an actual book with an actual plot... 
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Ok, sorry, but I laughed.LadyAbsynthe wrote: »(Kind-of) related to all the first-name-sharing: when I was like 13 I had a "girlfriend" on one of those sites like gaia online. But I was really paranoid so I made up a false name and mentioned all these details about my fake life so that she would never be able to find me in person. And then I was paranoid that she would anyway, so I faked my death. It was... weird.
ETA: I laughed with you, not at you!
I wasn't sure if I was supposed to laugh, but I did!0 -
I confess that after hearing everyone butchering my name, I just decided to use very common and traditional names for my kids. And also considered changing my name when I got my US citizenship a year ago... just decided against it because I didn't want more paperwork.
Even though I had a popular name, I named my kids traditional names. I tried not to give them a top 10 name like mine, but I did choose regular names with regular spellings. I 100% don't judge what other parents do. I feel like I have to say that. Not judgmental!
Also, I don't plan to change my last name since being married. My oldest has my last name and I feel like it would be pretty crappy to leave him as the only one with that name. Also, I don't care about that particular tradition and my husband doesn't care either. We know we are married.0 -
berlynnwall wrote: »Italian_Buju wrote: »
Ridiculous!!!berlynnwall wrote: »berlynnwall wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »Italian_Buju wrote: »Italian_Buju wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »Italian_Buju wrote: »quiksylver296 wrote: »
Thanks for the replies guys. This is why my heart is broken and I've been so (BEYOND) depressed lately. I haven't talked to him since last Sunday. I have cried every day.
I did the bad thing and checked on his phone because he's been so secretive (I was able to guess the password). I saw a lot of things that I never wanted to see.
I love him so I'm struggling with my feelings right now. I know most people can't change but maybe therapy? I don't know. I am in that strange place where I don't want to be without him but I don't want to be with him if he can't change.
Sorry to complain. I feel like it's cheating too since it's a violation of trust and he is being inappropriate. We are going to meet up Friday to talk. This is the guy I've been with for almost 11 years.
I would be pissed, like I said in my last post, I would want to freak out.....
I have read a lot of the posts that say it is a deal breaker, and while some people feel that way, I do not always think it is that easy.
If it is some guy you have been with a few months or something, of course, get out right away. But if it is someone you have been with for many years and otherwise the relationship is good and this is not repeat behavior, IMO you really have to decide if it is something worth throwing the whole relationship out.
I know this might not be a popular opinion, but I do not believe the monogamy is natural for humans. Most animals are not monogamous. Even if you are doing your best to be monogamous, sometimes you become drawn to something you cannot control.
I am a firm believer that some people will always cheat, and some people may never, but given the right set of circumstances EVERYONE is capable of cheating. Ever see the movie Unfaithful? Perfect example.
I actually agree with you that people are not naturally monogamous. But unless both sides are aware and have a agreement to behave or think openly about that, sexting or carrying on a affair is cheating. You are breaking an agreement between 2 people to have a singular and committed relationship, and you are hiding this fact from the other person in the relationship. That is what I object to. If you need the rules of the relationship changed, you need a discussion with your partner and they either agree or don't agree. Sneaking around behind someone's back is always wrong.
I am not disagreeing, I consider it cheating as well. My point was that it is really hard for most people to be monogamous because it is unnatural, so if it is an otherwise great relationship and this is a one time occurrence after a decade, is it really worth losing that?
A lot of people struggle their whole lives to be monogamous because that is what society accepts, and sometimes, even though that is our intent, we fail.
Sorry, I was to edit this for spelling and also to add something but my phone was being stupid....so now I am on the laptop...
I wanted to add that I was only trying to show the other side of all the posts that say it is a deal breaker 100%, because IMO it is not always. You have to look at the big picture.
I think that is fair. Other posters said the same thing along the lines of if he is truly remorseful and you can forgive, then maybe you can move past it. Its possible. But I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship where trust was gone and could never be restored. But like most things in life, everything is individual so each person in the end has to make the decision that is right for them.
I agree. A few people said that if she stays she should insist on full rights to check his phone, internet, pockets etc. I feel like I need to say this, and it's not necessarily 100% related to your post so I apologize. I just want to caution people in this situation that that is no way to live. It is exhausting and if you think about it, what is the outcome? Either you drive yourself crazy looking for proof that they are lying and you get so focused on that that you lose the love you had for them, or you find the proof you wanted and you have lost all trust and intimacy and the love you had for them. If it's to a point where you feel like you have to search your partner for contraband, I'm sorry, but that relationship is over.
THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS! Sorry to yell, but this is a very important point.
I think it's important too. Unfortunately, I think this is the type of thing that people have to experience on their own before they get that it's a waste of time. I've actually had women tell me that I'm naive and "asking to be cheated on" because I don't invade my husband's privacy constantly. Nope x1000000
I know, right?! I always show my husband when I see a crazy woman on the internet saying something like that. Then I can say, "see, it could be worse! You are lucky!" He knows he's lucky though. I'm lucky too. I've seen some crazy men out there as well.
I have to say, I totally agree with you. If you don't have trust, what do you have exactly?! My husband and I know all of each other's passwords and we tend to flip through each other's phones when we're bored on the understanding that the other doesn't mind--but snooping purposefully due to being mistrustful would be a pretty sad way to live. I already have horrible self esteem issues, to add insecurity and mistrust to those would probably ruin my marriage.
On the flip side, I know a woman who doesn't trust her husband in the least and demands real-time pictures of him when he's with his friends to prove that they're males, and constantly buys new numbers and pretends to be a woman flirting with him to "test his loyalty". I'd personally be miserable if I felt that I had to demand proof and test my husband all the time--I think I'd rather be alone in that case. :-/0 -
raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »flitterfoot wrote: »raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »Wow, today has been busy in here. I can't even begin to keep up. But my name is Shirley. I hate it. Who the heck names their kid Shirley .
My oldest daughter is Rachel, and although I can't admit this to my DH, she was named after the Friend's character. Both daughters have somewhat unusual middle names, Raven and Rain. No Shirleys, because I just couldn't do that to them.
People call my daughter Raven all the time. I'm always saying "No, RaeLYNN, not Raven." She even corrects people, "No, it's Waewynn!" Sigh, I've doomed her to a name everyone will confuse with another lol.
Better than Amaryllis which is what I wanted to call our eldest. The only excuse I have is that I was only 21 and odd names was the thing bank then (and I really love the flower and that it means water goddess). Fortunately wiser heads prevailed and she ended up being called Gemma.
Both those names are beautiful!
I agree although I must admit that my mother ended up naming her, when I was pregnant both my hubby and I called her the brat or the pest (or worse depending on how bad a night I'd had) and my mother would always reply that each child was a gem no matter how badly behaved. When the baby was born and we found out we had and girl we decided to go with Gemma since she was and gem. We also decided to call any other girls after gems so we have a Jade as well now.
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Susieq_1994 wrote: »berlynnwall wrote: »Italian_Buju wrote: »
Ridiculous!!!berlynnwall wrote: »berlynnwall wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »Italian_Buju wrote: »Italian_Buju wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »Italian_Buju wrote: »quiksylver296 wrote: »
Thanks for the replies guys. This is why my heart is broken and I've been so (BEYOND) depressed lately. I haven't talked to him since last Sunday. I have cried every day.
I did the bad thing and checked on his phone because he's been so secretive (I was able to guess the password). I saw a lot of things that I never wanted to see.
I love him so I'm struggling with my feelings right now. I know most people can't change but maybe therapy? I don't know. I am in that strange place where I don't want to be without him but I don't want to be with him if he can't change.
Sorry to complain. I feel like it's cheating too since it's a violation of trust and he is being inappropriate. We are going to meet up Friday to talk. This is the guy I've been with for almost 11 years.
I would be pissed, like I said in my last post, I would want to freak out.....
I have read a lot of the posts that say it is a deal breaker, and while some people feel that way, I do not always think it is that easy.
If it is some guy you have been with a few months or something, of course, get out right away. But if it is someone you have been with for many years and otherwise the relationship is good and this is not repeat behavior, IMO you really have to decide if it is something worth throwing the whole relationship out.
I know this might not be a popular opinion, but I do not believe the monogamy is natural for humans. Most animals are not monogamous. Even if you are doing your best to be monogamous, sometimes you become drawn to something you cannot control.
I am a firm believer that some people will always cheat, and some people may never, but given the right set of circumstances EVERYONE is capable of cheating. Ever see the movie Unfaithful? Perfect example.
I actually agree with you that people are not naturally monogamous. But unless both sides are aware and have a agreement to behave or think openly about that, sexting or carrying on a affair is cheating. You are breaking an agreement between 2 people to have a singular and committed relationship, and you are hiding this fact from the other person in the relationship. That is what I object to. If you need the rules of the relationship changed, you need a discussion with your partner and they either agree or don't agree. Sneaking around behind someone's back is always wrong.
I am not disagreeing, I consider it cheating as well. My point was that it is really hard for most people to be monogamous because it is unnatural, so if it is an otherwise great relationship and this is a one time occurrence after a decade, is it really worth losing that?
A lot of people struggle their whole lives to be monogamous because that is what society accepts, and sometimes, even though that is our intent, we fail.
Sorry, I was to edit this for spelling and also to add something but my phone was being stupid....so now I am on the laptop...
I wanted to add that I was only trying to show the other side of all the posts that say it is a deal breaker 100%, because IMO it is not always. You have to look at the big picture.
I think that is fair. Other posters said the same thing along the lines of if he is truly remorseful and you can forgive, then maybe you can move past it. Its possible. But I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship where trust was gone and could never be restored. But like most things in life, everything is individual so each person in the end has to make the decision that is right for them.
I agree. A few people said that if she stays she should insist on full rights to check his phone, internet, pockets etc. I feel like I need to say this, and it's not necessarily 100% related to your post so I apologize. I just want to caution people in this situation that that is no way to live. It is exhausting and if you think about it, what is the outcome? Either you drive yourself crazy looking for proof that they are lying and you get so focused on that that you lose the love you had for them, or you find the proof you wanted and you have lost all trust and intimacy and the love you had for them. If it's to a point where you feel like you have to search your partner for contraband, I'm sorry, but that relationship is over.
THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS! Sorry to yell, but this is a very important point.
I think it's important too. Unfortunately, I think this is the type of thing that people have to experience on their own before they get that it's a waste of time. I've actually had women tell me that I'm naive and "asking to be cheated on" because I don't invade my husband's privacy constantly. Nope x1000000
I know, right?! I always show my husband when I see a crazy woman on the internet saying something like that. Then I can say, "see, it could be worse! You are lucky!" He knows he's lucky though. I'm lucky too. I've seen some crazy men out there as well.
I have to say, I totally agree with you. If you don't have trust, what do you have exactly?! My husband and I know all of each other's passwords and we tend to flip through each other's phones when we're bored on the understanding that the other doesn't mind--but snooping purposefully due to being mistrustful would be a pretty sad way to live. I already have horrible self esteem issues, to add insecurity and mistrust to those would probably ruin my marriage.
On the flip side, I know a woman who doesn't trust her husband in the least and demands real-time pictures of him when he's with his friends to prove that they're males, and constantly buys new numbers and pretends to be a woman flirting with him to "test his loyalty". I'd personally be miserable if I felt that I had to demand proof and test my husband all the time--I think I'd rather be alone in that case. :-/
Bolded: Yes, exactly how I feel. That is no way to live.
ETA: That is crazy. If my spouse demanded that level of surveillance I would want a divorce.0 -
flitterfoot wrote: »raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »flitterfoot wrote: »raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »Wow, today has been busy in here. I can't even begin to keep up. But my name is Shirley. I hate it. Who the heck names their kid Shirley .
My oldest daughter is Rachel, and although I can't admit this to my DH, she was named after the Friend's character. Both daughters have somewhat unusual middle names, Raven and Rain. No Shirleys, because I just couldn't do that to them.
People call my daughter Raven all the time. I'm always saying "No, RaeLYNN, not Raven." She even corrects people, "No, it's Waewynn!" Sigh, I've doomed her to a name everyone will confuse with another lol.
Better than Amaryllis which is what I wanted to call our eldest. The only excuse I have is that I was only 21 and odd names was the thing bank then (and I really love the flower and that it means water goddess). Fortunately wiser heads prevailed and she ended up being called Gemma.
Both those names are beautiful!
I agree although I must admit that my mother ended up naming her, when I was pregnant both my hubby and I called her the brat or the pest (or worse depending on how bad a night I'd had) and my mother would always reply that each child was a gem no matter how badly behaved. When the baby was born and we found out we had and girl we decided to go with Gemma since she was and gem. We also decided to call any other girls after gems so we have a Jade as well now.
That's such a neat story! I have to say as much as I am fascinated with different cultures, religions and the such I am also super interested in people's names and how they received those names! I'm just a huge ball of curiosity 0 -
Jumping in on the name thing- I am Cecilia, named after my grandfather Cecil. One of my first bosses called me CC, which I morphed to Ceci. (My family calls me C-ya) My married name is of Greek origin and I love that I have a unique name!
I named my daughter Samantha (would have been Samuel if a boy), because I wanted a Sam. (She goes by Sami now.)0 -
Confession: I only ate part of my dinner so I could fit in 2 or 3 beers.
Because it's been a long day and...beer.
But they're mich ultras! So that's just like water right?!0 -
Confession - I am low on protein today because I decided to have some frozen yogurt with my 200 leftover calories, instead of something with more protein, because I *gasp* wasn't hungry.
Confession #2 - I am amazed when people bump 2.5 yo threads. How do people even find them?0 -
Confession: I'm rather disappointed that by the time @pofoster21 comes back online, my response to her about my book will be totally buried under the mountain of posts and she won't get to see it since she reads backwards.
(If you read this first, my response is somewhere between pages 657 and 659. I kind of gave a detailed backstory about the book and provided the link you requested.) 0 -
It's very interesting! I'm now on chapter 11 and I am feeling the main character's dread. You're helping me to become more knowledgeable about Islam (I know virtually nothing about itSusieq_1994 wrote: »FluffySandwich wrote: »
I've started reading your story and am now on chapter 6Susieq_1994 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »This potty training fiasco is really testing my patience right now. I love my kid, and I know she has other issues, but holy hell this is an exhausting venture!
I waited until mine were way too old to do it. I admire people who have the courage to do it with 2yos... My kids were 4.
Believe it or not, many Arabs insist that their children have to be potty trained by the age of one. This is especially strict in the non-Gulf Arab countries like Palestine and Syria. An American Muslim lady married to a Palestinian man once confided in my mother that she felt like a parenting failure because of her in-laws' shock that her son wasn't potty trained when he was one.
Aw that's sad! She shouldn't feel that way, kids all learn at different paces!
This may be a silly question so I apologize, but, when you're speaking with your husband or friends and family do y'all speak Arabic then? Does everyone know English? Yours is better than mine I feel like!
My husband is fluent in English, and we use English exclusively at home (we have a rented apartment where we live alone). His family speaks very little English, so I use Arabic when I'm visiting their home.
My immediate family uses English exclusively at home as well (my mom is American and doesn't understand a lot of Arabic), but my father's family speaks next to no English and I speak Arabic there.
When I worked, I spoke Arabic with my colleagues, because most of them didn't speak much English either, but most of the population in Saudi Arabia and Oman (especially the younger generation) do have rudimentary knowledge of English, and many actually have excellent English language skills. It really depends on where you are. If you're in the capital, you'll find 99% of the people speak English and I'll usually use English with them because I'm completely fluent in English and only about 85% fluent in Arabic. If you're in the villages or interior regions of Oman, you won't find many English speakers at all.
Why does everyone keep apologizing for asking me questions? Am I that intimidating? Bombard me, people, I don't mind! And for God's sake, everyone stop apologizing!
Haha sorry for apologizing and just doing it again there!! thanks for answering my question that is so neat you're Bilingual!
Can I pretend to be tri-lingual since I understand British English too? I think you're a terrific writer. I love to write, too, so maybe I'll start using Wattpad at some point
Thank you so much! I'm glad you're enjoying it. Wattpad is a lot of fun to write on! I usually post my poetry there, that book is my first attempt at an actual book with an actual plot... ), so thank you for that!
And about names- mine is Savannah. My mom was going to name me Isabella if I had dark hair, but I was born blonde.... so Savannah it was. It's a pretty popular name in the Southern United States, but in Montreal it has gotten butchered so many times. I haven't met a single person with my name up here!
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Ok heres my 3rd contribution to this thread:
My dad AND my dog died on April 19. My dog at 3:00am and my dad at 5:28pm. He had a stroke and was recovering from it, was set to be released, then he had another massive stroke which did it for him. He was on a breathing tube, which he was against from the get go, but he was able to communicate with his foot. (up and down for yes, side to side for no) I was able to talk to him and ask him questions like "Do you understand what will happen if we take the tube out?" So in a sense I was able to get some type of closure. However right now, at this moment, I feel guilty for being so impatient with him towards his last days, I feel guilty for sometimes not even missing him, and I feel guilty for forgetting that he's gone. Towards the end of his days, he was either in dialysis or in the hospital and when he was home, he said very little but was always upbeat and happy (for the most part, well as happy as he could be given the situation/s he was put in.) It just feels like I didn't "feel" his passing even though as I write this it hurts my heart knowing he's gone.
My dog, we had her for 15 years. When my dad was diagnosed with renal failure so was my dog, when he was diagnosed with arthritis so was she, etc. She was close to him but she was still my dog. When he had his first stroke she had a seizure. When he had his second one she had another seizure. She stopped eating and I blame myself for not watching her as I should have because for a whole week we were going back and forth to the hospital to be at my dad's bedside. I just wanted to spend as much time with him as possible because I knew he wasn't going to be around for much longer. I didn't want to believe it but somehow I gave in to it and it wasn't until the day before her passing that I realized how thin she had gotten. We came home that night to sleep for a few hours and shower, my dad had since been taken off the breathing tube and it was just a waiting game at that point. I let her in, she was breathing rapidly so I thought it was just because she was excited and would calm down. She never did. She started throwing up nothing because there was nothing in her stomach so it was a dry heeve type of thing. I took her to the ER, once I pulled in to the parking lot she passed out. I thought she died. I ran inside screaming and she threw up some foamy stuff. The doctor ran out to meet me and took her back. I fell in to one of the consult rooms where I was inconsolable. I knew if she died my dad would follow. The tech came out told me how much it would be to stabalize her and I told her to do it I didnt care, it was my dog just save her. A few minutes later the doctor comes out and tells me she has fluid in her lungs and around her heart and he needed me to decide what I wanted to do. I knew I was going to have to contribute to my dad's funeral expenses and I knew if they drained it, it would just come back again.
I chose to have her put down rather than the latter. Now I feel guilty for not saving her, for not doing everything I could to take care of her. It all happened so fast.
I called my brother who stayed with my dad that night, screaming and crying for him to check on dad and make sure he was breathing, he was. I went back home with my dog in a plastic bag, let her two girls (she had puppies once, I kept two) say goodbye and we buried her. I slept for maybe an hour and it was off to the hospital again.
My dad passed later that day at 5:28pm.
I feel guilty for a lot of this. I feel like I'm cold for not missing either one of them, when everyone told me they saw the love I had for them both, but as I write this I can't help but feel so much hurt inside of me.
We came home to find my dad's recliner empty and my dog's bed as well. She wasn't there to comfort me and neither was he. Our house feels so strange now.0
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