Confession Time! ((ABSOLUTELY NO JUDGEMENT))
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Susieq_1994 wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »riderfangal wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Well, I have a not-so-confessiony confession (that sounded weird.). I've mentioned here before that I was writing a book on an amateur writing website (Wattpad). Today, I finally finished the book! I just posted the final chapter like... Fifteen minutes ago.
My husband refused to read it until it was fully complete (he hates incomplete things, whether they're books or series) but he wanted to read it when it was done. So, he read it today, and I was really nervous because he's usually reeeeally picky about the books he reads. He said that he enjoyed it and the plot was really unique! (very rare praise from him) I'm SO GIDDY RIGHT NOW.
I also got tons of feedback on how unique and original the storyline is from almost every single commenter, so now I feel all warm and fuzzy and special.
Yay me!
Congratulations. That's a big deal. I am envious of people that have the ability to write!!
Thanks! I just keep refreshing my notification page, hoping for new comments.
I wouldn't say I'm much of a writer, actually. I'm a pretty good essay writer, so I can convey a lot of information in a very concise manner. As a result, my first story is really short. Each chapter is like... One and a half pages.
My sister's been a writer since she was about 13, and she writes novels. My entire BOOK could fit into one of her chapters!
So... can you post a link that we can all read it? And this is wonderful! And you are a great writer, as we all know from reading your posts!
I would really love to share a link, but you'd all require quite a bit of background to understand the book at all. You see, I wrote it anticipating a Muslims-only audience and didn't really provide any explanation or background for non-Muslims to follow along. As my husband said when I said someone here requested a link to my book (SO EXCITING!), "You'll be throwing them into completely uncharted territory, and they'll be completely confused..."
So, here's the required background, and if you still want to read it, click away at the link at the bottom! You don't need to be a member of the Wattpad site to read the books on it, by the way, so that's a plus.
In Islam, we believe in the world of the unseen. This is basically the world of spirits and things that we can't see, but we believe that they exist--the fact that we can't see them is a test of the strength of our belief, basically. The inhabitants of the unseen world are the jinn, and they're the spirits that people think are ghosts (we don't believe in the undead). Unlike humans, who are made from clay, jinn are created from fire.
For an accurate portrayal of the world of jinn (not for the faint of heart), see this Islamic book about jinn, posted by my sister: http://www.wattpad.com/story/12069640-the-jinn
Because they're part of the unseen world, we actually know very little about the jinn. So, keep in mind that my book is fictious and not a very accurate portrayal of the way that jinn live their lives.
My basic inspiration for writing the story was that people write Islamic fiction all the time, but books focusing on jinn are almost always horror stories. But we know for sure that there are actually many, many Muslim jinn in this world. We have little to no contact with Muslim jinn because we're forbidden to try to contact them, and only the Muslim jinn adhere to this rule. I wanted to show other Muslims (most are terrified of jinn) that jinn aren't all bad, and we're all God's creation regardless of our species. I also wanted to portray Islam through the innocent eyes of a child, rather than focusing on the technicalities of the actual practice of the religion, so there's more of a light focus.
So if you're interested in reading a paranormal Islamic fiction, I hope you enjoy the story! Here's the link: http://www.wattpad.com/story/36935539-living-on-the-other-side
There's also no glossary for Arabic or Islamic terms, but I kept those to a minimum, so hopefully there won't be too much confusion.
Sorry for the novel of explanation! I just didn't want anyone to jump in and be completely lost... "What in the world is she TALKING ABOUT?!"
I made it! This is so cool! I am off today so going to read it today!0 -
FluffySandwich wrote: »
The funny thing is that my sister's name is Georgia. People always get a good laugh over that when we introduce ourselves at the same timeFluffySandwich wrote: »And about names- mine is Savannah. My mom was going to name me Isabella if I had dark hair, but I was born blonde.... so Savannah it was. It's a pretty popular name in the Southern United States, but in Montreal it has gotten butchered so many times. I haven't met a single person with my name up here!
I named one of my former dogs Savannah, for Savannah Georgia actually, because I always wanted to go there. All of my dogs since then have had geographic names.
When one of my young coworkers was pregnant, knew she was having a girl, and couldn't think of a girl's name... I suggested Savannah. My rationale was that her son had the same name as one of my earlier dogs so her second child should be named after my dog too. Turns out her husband went to school with a Savannah and didn't like the girl so Savannah was tainted for him as a name. However, ever since then I have referred to her daughter as Savannah instead of her real name.
I agree, it's really difficult watching the (still living) loved ones around you suffer. I cried a lot during the funeral. And you're right about our dads not suffering anymore, at least there is thatAlma102724 wrote: »FluffySandwich wrote: »
Don't blame yourself or feel bad for any of the feelings you are experiencing. Death has a way of shaking you up like that, and you had two significant losses in one day. I can't express how sorry I am!Alma102724 wrote: »Ok heres my 3rd contribution to this thread:
My dad AND my dog died on April 19. My dog at 3:00am and my dad at 5:28pm. He had a stroke and was recovering from it, was set to be released, then he had another massive stroke which did it for him. He was on a breathing tube, which he was against from the get go, but he was able to communicate with his foot. (up and down for yes, side to side for no) I was able to talk to him and ask him questions like "Do you understand what will happen if we take the tube out?" So in a sense I was able to get some type of closure. However right now, at this moment, I feel guilty for being so impatient with him towards his last days, I feel guilty for sometimes not even missing him, and I feel guilty for forgetting that he's gone. Towards the end of his days, he was either in dialysis or in the hospital and when he was home, he said very little but was always upbeat and happy (for the most part, well as happy as he could be given the situation/s he was put in.) It just feels like I didn't "feel" his passing even though as I write this it hurts my heart knowing he's gone.
My dog, we had her for 15 years. When my dad was diagnosed with renal failure so was my dog, when he was diagnosed with arthritis so was she, etc. She was close to him but she was still my dog. When he had his first stroke she had a seizure. When he had his second one she had another seizure. She stopped eating and I blame myself for not watching her as I should have because for a whole week we were going back and forth to the hospital to be at my dad's bedside. I just wanted to spend as much time with him as possible because I knew he wasn't going to be around for much longer. I didn't want to believe it but somehow I gave in to it and it wasn't until the day before her passing that I realized how thin she had gotten. We came home that night to sleep for a few hours and shower, my dad had since been taken off the breathing tube and it was just a waiting game at that point. I let her in, she was breathing rapidly so I thought it was just because she was excited and would calm down. She never did. She started throwing up nothing because there was nothing in her stomach so it was a dry heeve type of thing. I took her to the ER, once I pulled in to the parking lot she passed out. I thought she died. I ran inside screaming and she threw up some foamy stuff. The doctor ran out to meet me and took her back. I fell in to one of the consult rooms where I was inconsolable. I knew if she died my dad would follow. The tech came out told me how much it would be to stabalize her and I told her to do it I didnt care, it was my dog just save her. A few minutes later the doctor comes out and tells me she has fluid in her lungs and around her heart and he needed me to decide what I wanted to do. I knew I was going to have to contribute to my dad's funeral expenses and I knew if they drained it, it would just come back again.
I chose to have her put down rather than the latter. Now I feel guilty for not saving her, for not doing everything I could to take care of her. It all happened so fast.
I called my brother who stayed with my dad that night, screaming and crying for him to check on dad and make sure he was breathing, he was. I went back home with my dog in a plastic bag, let her two girls (she had puppies once, I kept two) say goodbye and we buried her. I slept for maybe an hour and it was off to the hospital again.
My dad passed later that day at 5:28pm.
I feel guilty for a lot of this. I feel like I'm cold for not missing either one of them, when everyone told me they saw the love I had for them both, but as I write this I can't help but feel so much hurt inside of me.
We came home to find my dad's recliner empty and my dog's bed as well. She wasn't there to comfort me and neither was he. Our house feels so strange now.
I don't know if this will be of any help to you, but I lost my dad last year. He had been struggling with multiple sclerosis ever since before I was born, and he spent the last years of his life almost completely paralyzed. I lived with him in high school and helped to take care of him (basic things like cooking meals, etc), but I feel horrible about how irritated I was at him sometimes for needing the treatment he did (too hot, too cold, needed to be turned over in his bed). Saying this feels me with shame, but I loved him deeply as it sounds like you did your own father. We are people too, though, and can't always be perfect individuals.
For a long time I just felt shock over it, and still do in a sense... I don't cry over him very often at all (there have been times when I have been overcome with grief and couldn't get out of bed), and feel guilty about it, but I cannot bring myself to say the word ''dad'' unless I am talking to my family... it brings up all these sad feelings.
Whether you cry or are in shock or cannot bring yourself to feel much of anything, people mourn and grieve in different ways and it doesn't mean you didn't care. Again, I'm so sorry.
Yes that is exactly how I felt! Especially how you mentioned not crying at all, some days I'm so nonchalant about everything. Then there's days like this, where I think I should be sad.
For him it was always too hot or cold, too much light coming in it had to always be dark and I'd get so frustrated and tell him he needed to be in the sunlight and he'd say his eyes hurt with the bright light. I didn't realize to what extent that's why I feel bad.
I can't say my dad is dead out loud or anything mentioning the word death, dying, etc. I just can't. Honestly (confession) I feel worse watching my mom cry than knowing my dad is gone. At least I know he's not suffering but her, she loved that man. She was with him 40+ years I can't imagine what she must be feeling.
I have to agree with this also. My parents were together for almost 50 years when my mom passed last year. My mom was a stay at home mom and my dad retired at an early age. So once he retired, they were both home every day together for the past 25 years and were so close. They built their own little world in that house and now my dad has to live in it...alone. It is heartbreaking. Going through my mom's things to help clean out the house was just awful...everything in there had a memory to go with it...and we had to see my dad struggle with each item he touched. In my 36 years, I had never seen my dad cry...until last year. Now it's kind of normal to see him cry...because he does it so often.
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Ugh. I ate a whole package of Ritz Bitz crackers last night. 450 calories of pure processed grossness. And what's worse: That was after debating over what to get. I made the conscious decision to get the crackers instead of the nice bananas at the front of the store. Luckily, today is a new day to do well. But still, not proud of last night. 0
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spacequiztime wrote: »
Oh god, the idea of someone I know in real life recognizing me online scares me. I think I'd deactivate and remake if that happened here.I do not ever reveal my name online because it is ridiculously unique (I'm serious; I was named after my mom's best friend from high school) and I'm paranoid that someone who knows me will see it and know it's me.
Why? Don't most people have Facebook? I'm surprised I don't have stalkers or anything because I'm so lax about information about myself. It's a blessing and a curse I'm so naive and want to believe everyone is good! You'd think after working with juveniles, being a corrections officer, and now working in child support I'd be the exact opposite!
I rarely post anything on Facebook or comment. I feel it's a public record and I don't want to do something that will haunt me on a job interview, etc. I am only active here and for some reason I feel like the average person wouldn't find me in here. Probably stupid but that is the only reason I am as open on here as I am!0 -
LadyAbsynthe wrote: »(Kind-of) related to all the first-name-sharing: when I was like 13 I had a "girlfriend" on one of those sites like gaia online. But I was really paranoid so I made up a false name and mentioned all these details about my fake life so that she would never be able to find me in person. And then I was paranoid that she would anyway, so I faked my death. It was... weird.
I confess I do find this weird (not judging). I guess it's a good thing I was an adult when online and social media started. I never got into situations like this.0 -
pofoster21 wrote: »For those of you that don't know, my name is Monique. Unlike some of you, there are LOTS of nicknames/parodies for it. The thing that's most annoying about having an uncommon name, is that I can never find any personalized items with my name. You can find Monica all day long, but I've only found a Monique keychain once and you better believe I bought that baby.
I am Patricia... and as I mentioned a few hundred pages ago but this is a good refresher, I am called Patricia (I hate all derivatives of my name... Pat, Patty, Trish, Tricia, etc.). However, if you knew me before I moved to NJ and changed my name, or you are in my family, you are allowed to call me Patty.
This may have been my first double post ever! It was during that weird time when the server was acting up yesterday! Back where I left off!0 -
Ditto. How are you doing today, Froggy?berlynnwall wrote: »I really love this thread. You guys have helped me through a pretty hard time, and I have seen you help so many other people through hard times as well. People on the internet can be awful, but they can also be great. Best thread ever.
Agreed.
I'm hanging in there. Last night was rough (cried a lot) but I'm doing better today so far. I keep having to remind myself that whatever happens will happen for a reason. I try to keep busy.
Thanks for asking!
Take care, it takes a lot of time to digest and to get it in before you are able to breath again. You will get through this. Hugs0 -
Ok I searched on my name. My very first post ever in MFP was in this thread on page 44.0
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kelly_c_77 wrote: »berndanddana wrote: »I eat powdered sugar by the spoonfuls
Try mixing it with peanut butter! It tastes exactly like the inside of a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup!!! I may or may not have done that by the (small) bowlful!
Damnit why'd you have to tell me this!? Now of course I'm going to have to try it!
It's dangerous! Consider yourself warned!!!!!!0 -
kelly_c_77 wrote: »FluffySandwich wrote: »
The funny thing is that my sister's name is Georgia. People always get a good laugh over that when we introduce ourselves at the same timeFluffySandwich wrote: »And about names- mine is Savannah. My mom was going to name me Isabella if I had dark hair, but I was born blonde.... so Savannah it was. It's a pretty popular name in the Southern United States, but in Montreal it has gotten butchered so many times. I haven't met a single person with my name up here!
I named one of my former dogs Savannah, for Savannah Georgia actually, because I always wanted to go there. All of my dogs since then have had geographic names.
When one of my young coworkers was pregnant, knew she was having a girl, and couldn't think of a girl's name... I suggested Savannah. My rationale was that her son had the same name as one of my earlier dogs so her second child should be named after my dog too. Turns out her husband went to school with a Savannah and didn't like the girl so Savannah was tainted for him as a name. However, ever since then I have referred to her daughter as Savannah instead of her real name.
I agree, it's really difficult watching the (still living) loved ones around you suffer. I cried a lot during the funeral. And you're right about our dads not suffering anymore, at least there is thatAlma102724 wrote: »FluffySandwich wrote: »
Don't blame yourself or feel bad for any of the feelings you are experiencing. Death has a way of shaking you up like that, and you had two significant losses in one day. I can't express how sorry I am!Alma102724 wrote: »Ok heres my 3rd contribution to this thread:
My dad AND my dog died on April 19. My dog at 3:00am and my dad at 5:28pm. He had a stroke and was recovering from it, was set to be released, then he had another massive stroke which did it for him. He was on a breathing tube, which he was against from the get go, but he was able to communicate with his foot. (up and down for yes, side to side for no) I was able to talk to him and ask him questions like "Do you understand what will happen if we take the tube out?" So in a sense I was able to get some type of closure. However right now, at this moment, I feel guilty for being so impatient with him towards his last days, I feel guilty for sometimes not even missing him, and I feel guilty for forgetting that he's gone. Towards the end of his days, he was either in dialysis or in the hospital and when he was home, he said very little but was always upbeat and happy (for the most part, well as happy as he could be given the situation/s he was put in.) It just feels like I didn't "feel" his passing even though as I write this it hurts my heart knowing he's gone.
My dog, we had her for 15 years. When my dad was diagnosed with renal failure so was my dog, when he was diagnosed with arthritis so was she, etc. She was close to him but she was still my dog. When he had his first stroke she had a seizure. When he had his second one she had another seizure. She stopped eating and I blame myself for not watching her as I should have because for a whole week we were going back and forth to the hospital to be at my dad's bedside. I just wanted to spend as much time with him as possible because I knew he wasn't going to be around for much longer. I didn't want to believe it but somehow I gave in to it and it wasn't until the day before her passing that I realized how thin she had gotten. We came home that night to sleep for a few hours and shower, my dad had since been taken off the breathing tube and it was just a waiting game at that point. I let her in, she was breathing rapidly so I thought it was just because she was excited and would calm down. She never did. She started throwing up nothing because there was nothing in her stomach so it was a dry heeve type of thing. I took her to the ER, once I pulled in to the parking lot she passed out. I thought she died. I ran inside screaming and she threw up some foamy stuff. The doctor ran out to meet me and took her back. I fell in to one of the consult rooms where I was inconsolable. I knew if she died my dad would follow. The tech came out told me how much it would be to stabalize her and I told her to do it I didnt care, it was my dog just save her. A few minutes later the doctor comes out and tells me she has fluid in her lungs and around her heart and he needed me to decide what I wanted to do. I knew I was going to have to contribute to my dad's funeral expenses and I knew if they drained it, it would just come back again.
I chose to have her put down rather than the latter. Now I feel guilty for not saving her, for not doing everything I could to take care of her. It all happened so fast.
I called my brother who stayed with my dad that night, screaming and crying for him to check on dad and make sure he was breathing, he was. I went back home with my dog in a plastic bag, let her two girls (she had puppies once, I kept two) say goodbye and we buried her. I slept for maybe an hour and it was off to the hospital again.
My dad passed later that day at 5:28pm.
I feel guilty for a lot of this. I feel like I'm cold for not missing either one of them, when everyone told me they saw the love I had for them both, but as I write this I can't help but feel so much hurt inside of me.
We came home to find my dad's recliner empty and my dog's bed as well. She wasn't there to comfort me and neither was he. Our house feels so strange now.
I don't know if this will be of any help to you, but I lost my dad last year. He had been struggling with multiple sclerosis ever since before I was born, and he spent the last years of his life almost completely paralyzed. I lived with him in high school and helped to take care of him (basic things like cooking meals, etc), but I feel horrible about how irritated I was at him sometimes for needing the treatment he did (too hot, too cold, needed to be turned over in his bed). Saying this feels me with shame, but I loved him deeply as it sounds like you did your own father. We are people too, though, and can't always be perfect individuals.
For a long time I just felt shock over it, and still do in a sense... I don't cry over him very often at all (there have been times when I have been overcome with grief and couldn't get out of bed), and feel guilty about it, but I cannot bring myself to say the word ''dad'' unless I am talking to my family... it brings up all these sad feelings.
Whether you cry or are in shock or cannot bring yourself to feel much of anything, people mourn and grieve in different ways and it doesn't mean you didn't care. Again, I'm so sorry.
Yes that is exactly how I felt! Especially how you mentioned not crying at all, some days I'm so nonchalant about everything. Then there's days like this, where I think I should be sad.
For him it was always too hot or cold, too much light coming in it had to always be dark and I'd get so frustrated and tell him he needed to be in the sunlight and he'd say his eyes hurt with the bright light. I didn't realize to what extent that's why I feel bad.
I can't say my dad is dead out loud or anything mentioning the word death, dying, etc. I just can't. Honestly (confession) I feel worse watching my mom cry than knowing my dad is gone. At least I know he's not suffering but her, she loved that man. She was with him 40+ years I can't imagine what she must be feeling.
I have to agree with this also. My parents were together for almost 50 years when my mom passed last year. My mom was a stay at home mom and my dad retired at an early age. So once he retired, they were both home every day together for the past 25 years and were so close. They built their own little world in that house and now my dad has to live in it...alone. It is heartbreaking. Going through my mom's things to help clean out the house was just awful...everything in there had a memory to go with it...and we had to see my dad struggle with each item he touched. In my 36 years, I had never seen my dad cry...until last year. Now it's kind of normal to see him cry...because he does it so often.
This is so sad. I am sorry.0 -
girldownsouth wrote: »I can't remember if I said last time around, but I'm Julie. Nice to get to know a few more of you.
Welcome back, glad you had a great holiday and good luck @bkhamill
I have a Polish last name, my grandad was Polish. I was really offended when I got asked a few years back if I'd married a pole!! It's part of my heritage, and I always though I got a lot of how I look from that side. I guess I must just be that age.
I'm Polish and I obviously have a Polish surname. I don't think there is anyone here in UK who can pronounce it without guidance ;-) It's a great ice-breaker for interviews and stuff as you just ask people to use your first name instead - thanks God mine is quite easy to pronounce :-)0 -
Ok so folks that remember the litany of cats in my life... Porch Kitty showed up today with...3 kittens. God help me.0
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Big confession. I got down to 203 lbs, from 227 lbs. Just 14 lbs from my long term maintenance target...
This was back in November 2014...
Since then, I have binged, forgotten what exercise is, and have ballooned to 235 lbs. No self-esteem, no fitness, nothing. Time to make a change, and get back into the game!
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124 new posts overnight... I'd want to comment more but honestly... not feeling up to it this morning. And I still have to make the kids lunch...pofoster21 wrote: »spacequiztime wrote: »
Oh god, the idea of someone I know in real life recognizing me online scares me. I think I'd deactivate and remake if that happened here.I do not ever reveal my name online because it is ridiculously unique (I'm serious; I was named after my mom's best friend from high school) and I'm paranoid that someone who knows me will see it and know it's me.
Why? Don't most people have Facebook? I'm surprised I don't have stalkers or anything because I'm so lax about information about myself. It's a blessing and a curse I'm so naive and want to believe everyone is good! You'd think after working with juveniles, being a corrections officer, and now working in child support I'd be the exact opposite!
I rarely post anything on Facebook or comment. I feel it's a public record and I don't want to do something that will haunt me on a job interview, etc. I am only active here and for some reason I feel like the average person wouldn't find me in here. Probably stupid but that is the only reason I am as open on here as I am!
That's the thing I don't get... A lot of people say that, but if you have your settings to only post to friends only, can other people even see anything?pofoster21 wrote: »Ok so folks that remember the litany of cats in my life... Porch Kitty showed up today with...3 kittens. God help me.
Totally needs pics.0 -
kelly_c_77 wrote: »FluffySandwich wrote: »
The funny thing is that my sister's name is Georgia. People always get a good laugh over that when we introduce ourselves at the same timeFluffySandwich wrote: »And about names- mine is Savannah. My mom was going to name me Isabella if I had dark hair, but I was born blonde.... so Savannah it was. It's a pretty popular name in the Southern United States, but in Montreal it has gotten butchered so many times. I haven't met a single person with my name up here!
I named one of my former dogs Savannah, for Savannah Georgia actually, because I always wanted to go there. All of my dogs since then have had geographic names.
When one of my young coworkers was pregnant, knew she was having a girl, and couldn't think of a girl's name... I suggested Savannah. My rationale was that her son had the same name as one of my earlier dogs so her second child should be named after my dog too. Turns out her husband went to school with a Savannah and didn't like the girl so Savannah was tainted for him as a name. However, ever since then I have referred to her daughter as Savannah instead of her real name.
I agree, it's really difficult watching the (still living) loved ones around you suffer. I cried a lot during the funeral. And you're right about our dads not suffering anymore, at least there is thatAlma102724 wrote: »FluffySandwich wrote: »
Don't blame yourself or feel bad for any of the feelings you are experiencing. Death has a way of shaking you up like that, and you had two significant losses in one day. I can't express how sorry I am!Alma102724 wrote: »Ok heres my 3rd contribution to this thread:
My dad AND my dog died on April 19. My dog at 3:00am and my dad at 5:28pm. He had a stroke and was recovering from it, was set to be released, then he had another massive stroke which did it for him. He was on a breathing tube, which he was against from the get go, but he was able to communicate with his foot. (up and down for yes, side to side for no) I was able to talk to him and ask him questions like "Do you understand what will happen if we take the tube out?" So in a sense I was able to get some type of closure. However right now, at this moment, I feel guilty for being so impatient with him towards his last days, I feel guilty for sometimes not even missing him, and I feel guilty for forgetting that he's gone. Towards the end of his days, he was either in dialysis or in the hospital and when he was home, he said very little but was always upbeat and happy (for the most part, well as happy as he could be given the situation/s he was put in.) It just feels like I didn't "feel" his passing even though as I write this it hurts my heart knowing he's gone.
My dog, we had her for 15 years. When my dad was diagnosed with renal failure so was my dog, when he was diagnosed with arthritis so was she, etc. She was close to him but she was still my dog. When he had his first stroke she had a seizure. When he had his second one she had another seizure. She stopped eating and I blame myself for not watching her as I should have because for a whole week we were going back and forth to the hospital to be at my dad's bedside. I just wanted to spend as much time with him as possible because I knew he wasn't going to be around for much longer. I didn't want to believe it but somehow I gave in to it and it wasn't until the day before her passing that I realized how thin she had gotten. We came home that night to sleep for a few hours and shower, my dad had since been taken off the breathing tube and it was just a waiting game at that point. I let her in, she was breathing rapidly so I thought it was just because she was excited and would calm down. She never did. She started throwing up nothing because there was nothing in her stomach so it was a dry heeve type of thing. I took her to the ER, once I pulled in to the parking lot she passed out. I thought she died. I ran inside screaming and she threw up some foamy stuff. The doctor ran out to meet me and took her back. I fell in to one of the consult rooms where I was inconsolable. I knew if she died my dad would follow. The tech came out told me how much it would be to stabalize her and I told her to do it I didnt care, it was my dog just save her. A few minutes later the doctor comes out and tells me she has fluid in her lungs and around her heart and he needed me to decide what I wanted to do. I knew I was going to have to contribute to my dad's funeral expenses and I knew if they drained it, it would just come back again.
I chose to have her put down rather than the latter. Now I feel guilty for not saving her, for not doing everything I could to take care of her. It all happened so fast.
I called my brother who stayed with my dad that night, screaming and crying for him to check on dad and make sure he was breathing, he was. I went back home with my dog in a plastic bag, let her two girls (she had puppies once, I kept two) say goodbye and we buried her. I slept for maybe an hour and it was off to the hospital again.
My dad passed later that day at 5:28pm.
I feel guilty for a lot of this. I feel like I'm cold for not missing either one of them, when everyone told me they saw the love I had for them both, but as I write this I can't help but feel so much hurt inside of me.
We came home to find my dad's recliner empty and my dog's bed as well. She wasn't there to comfort me and neither was he. Our house feels so strange now.
I don't know if this will be of any help to you, but I lost my dad last year. He had been struggling with multiple sclerosis ever since before I was born, and he spent the last years of his life almost completely paralyzed. I lived with him in high school and helped to take care of him (basic things like cooking meals, etc), but I feel horrible about how irritated I was at him sometimes for needing the treatment he did (too hot, too cold, needed to be turned over in his bed). Saying this feels me with shame, but I loved him deeply as it sounds like you did your own father. We are people too, though, and can't always be perfect individuals.
For a long time I just felt shock over it, and still do in a sense... I don't cry over him very often at all (there have been times when I have been overcome with grief and couldn't get out of bed), and feel guilty about it, but I cannot bring myself to say the word ''dad'' unless I am talking to my family... it brings up all these sad feelings.
Whether you cry or are in shock or cannot bring yourself to feel much of anything, people mourn and grieve in different ways and it doesn't mean you didn't care. Again, I'm so sorry.
Yes that is exactly how I felt! Especially how you mentioned not crying at all, some days I'm so nonchalant about everything. Then there's days like this, where I think I should be sad.
For him it was always too hot or cold, too much light coming in it had to always be dark and I'd get so frustrated and tell him he needed to be in the sunlight and he'd say his eyes hurt with the bright light. I didn't realize to what extent that's why I feel bad.
I can't say my dad is dead out loud or anything mentioning the word death, dying, etc. I just can't. Honestly (confession) I feel worse watching my mom cry than knowing my dad is gone. At least I know he's not suffering but her, she loved that man. She was with him 40+ years I can't imagine what she must be feeling.
I have to agree with this also. My parents were together for almost 50 years when my mom passed last year. My mom was a stay at home mom and my dad retired at an early age. So once he retired, they were both home every day together for the past 25 years and were so close. They built their own little world in that house and now my dad has to live in it...alone. It is heartbreaking. Going through my mom's things to help clean out the house was just awful...everything in there had a memory to go with it...and we had to see my dad struggle with each item he touched. In my 36 years, I had never seen my dad cry...until last year. Now it's kind of normal to see him cry...because he does it so often.
Ugh I'm so sorry for your loss (hugs)
This is why I honestly hope my father goes first (I hate even thinking about this or saying it outloud) I don't think he could live without my mother. 0 -
sabrinacrandall wrote: »Ugh. I ate a whole package of Ritz Bitz crackers last night. 450 calories of pure processed grossness. And what's worse: That was after debating over what to get. I made the conscious decision to get the crackers instead of the nice bananas at the front of the store. Luckily, today is a new day to do well. But still, not proud of last night.
We all have bad days sometimes, just chalk it up and move on to the next day and try again!0 -
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annette_15 wrote: »Whew, finally caught up... only took all day lol.
Im going to EDC in two weeks time, and I ordered some pretty out of my comfort zone rave type clothing. I will probably be doing a lot of cardio leading up to it as my outfit will be WAY more revealing than I'm used to (nowhere near what other girls wear to these things tho lol) Here's the bra I got to go with my black high wasted skirt
I'll post pictures of the whole outfit after we go
I had plans earlier today but I cancelled them cause I woke up this morning with a bug bite on my eyelid and it looks really funny cause I cant open my right eye all the way lol
This top. When I reach GW, I want to have this top. I have no situation where I would ever be able to wear it, but I WANT IT. SO PRETTY.
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CountessKitteh wrote: »ttcbelieve wrote: »i get pint of ice cream, take half a cup and immediately put water in the remaining ice cream jar to make sure I don't have more. PS...yes I tried throwing it in the garbage but technically if the lid is still on, you can take it out and have some more ;-)
Could you purchase the tiny single serve cups? Even Ben & Jerry's has some of their flavors in those!
I think that's what I need to start doing with ice cream since I am acting like a fat hog when it comes to only eating one or two portions.0 -
124 new posts overnight... I'd want to comment more but honestly... not feeling up to it this morning. And I still have to make the kids lunch...pofoster21 wrote: »spacequiztime wrote: »
Oh god, the idea of someone I know in real life recognizing me online scares me. I think I'd deactivate and remake if that happened here.I do not ever reveal my name online because it is ridiculously unique (I'm serious; I was named after my mom's best friend from high school) and I'm paranoid that someone who knows me will see it and know it's me.
Why? Don't most people have Facebook? I'm surprised I don't have stalkers or anything because I'm so lax about information about myself. It's a blessing and a curse I'm so naive and want to believe everyone is good! You'd think after working with juveniles, being a corrections officer, and now working in child support I'd be the exact opposite!
I rarely post anything on Facebook or comment. I feel it's a public record and I don't want to do something that will haunt me on a job interview, etc. I am only active here and for some reason I feel like the average person wouldn't find me in here. Probably stupid but that is the only reason I am as open on here as I am!
That's the thing I don't get... A lot of people say that, but if you have your settings to only post to friends only, can other people even see anything?pofoster21 wrote: »Ok so folks that remember the litany of cats in my life... Porch Kitty showed up today with...3 kittens. God help me.
Totally needs pics.
I will try and get some today since I am sitting here using my day off to...catch up on work.
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