Confession Time! ((ABSOLUTELY NO JUDGEMENT))
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smashley_mashley wrote: »52cardpickup wrote: »
Serious question here: What if you don't want that? I'm 47 - the only people who see me naked is my husband and my dog (she judges me - she recently lost 15% of her bodyweight and is smug about it). I live in a climate where I'm covered up a lot of the time. All I really want is to look ok in my clothes. I feel like MFP is often all about lifting weights, and I'm just not interested in doing that.52cardpickup wrote: »kellienw335 wrote: »Confession: I don’t know what my goal weight should be. I’m 5’9 and currently weigh 221. (That’s a big step since I’ve never admitted that to anyone!) I had the goal set at 200, but didn’t feel like that was low enough. It’s now set at 190, but now I don’t feel like that is low enough either. I weighed 180 the year before my son was born and felt awesome. I weighed 160 when I graduated from high school (and thought I was fat). I know I’ll probably find a weight where I feel comfortable and don’t have to kill myself in the gym every day. I understand all the numbers. Just not sure if I can get back to the 160s mainly because I don’t know if I have the dedication. Looking for some advice from some of you. That seems like a lot of numbers and rambling.
I'm 5'9" and currently 134. I was originally looking to get down to 135, but I'm now looking to pack on some weight again in the form of muscle. Not sure if I want to do that in the form of a bulk or a recomp. I'd be happy to send you some progress photos, if that would help you.
My biggest regret is not weight training more consistently in my weight loss, if I'm being honest.
Eventually, once goals are close to being met or have already passed, this is what it will come down to. If you want to be skinny as a rail, fine. Diet and cardio all day, every day. But unless you are naturally blessed, if you want a fitness magazine cover body, you HAVE to do some strength training.
I agree with all of this. I feel like there's a lot of pressure from a lot of people to jump on the weight lifting bandwagon for aesthetic reasons, and a lot of people throw out "LIFT HEAVY" as the be all and end all of exercise without considering other people's interest/disinterest/goals/physical limitations/aspirations/time/what have you.
This morning there was a thread started by a person who was depressed because they weighed in at 501 pounds, and one of the first suggestions was that they start squatting and deadlifting. Seriously? SMDH. I get the feeling that people don't read the original post, they just respond with an automatic blurb.
On the other hand, weight lifting (OR resistance training, and THAT IS THE KEY!) is great for reasons aside from aesthetics... it strengthens bones and bone density, aids in living independently into old age, etc. It doesn't mean that you have to squat 300 lbs and bench press 1000, or look like Arnold, or stand in front of the mirror kissing your muscles and taking selfies. I just believe that an exercise routine should be balanced like an "eating routine" (don'twanttosaydiet) should be balanced.
sorry if this came across as judge-y *hangs head in shame and slinks off*
I bolded both because I agree with both. I think there is a lot of emphasis on heavy lifting and I have browsed the 5x5 ( looks kind of scary). My goal isn't to be magazine cover fit, I am fine with being "average" with some squish as long as I can fit into regular sized clothes.
But I am also in @52cardpickup's camp because since I have been doing strength training, I love being able to help carry appliances in the house or lift the couch whereas before I struggled.
I lift weights to feel strong too, I'd love to have a good looking body but strength is my main goal now.
I love that I can scoff in the grocery store employee's faces when they ask "Do you need a hand out with that?". I love that I can lift my own boxes at work rather than waiting for a man to come do it (My feminist streak rages when I hear someone say this).
I'm with ya on that! I have a Deep Rock water cooler at home. Our tap water is super gross and I cannot drink it at all. I drink oodles of water every day and am reliant on that water cooler, but the huge jugs of water have always been a problem for me. First, my husband changed the water. Then the boys did it as they got older, but then they moved out. My husband is retired but is busy either golfing or working his part-time job on the weekends, so sometimes I'd have to go get my neighbor to change it for me. However, due to lifting I can finally do it myself! I'm unreasonably happy about this.0 -
Susieq_1994 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »heartsstarspll wrote: »
I can't believe I am admitting this... but I have talked about more sensitive things in this thread so WTH.
I had this problem until I was about 13. It seemed to stop when I was put on Prozac for my depression. I don't know if that's what stopped it, but even when they changed my medicine it was no longer an issue. I can't help but to think it had something to do with it.
I seriously can't believe it either, but I'll b52cardpickup wrote: »berlynnwall wrote: »berlynnwall wrote: »Oh my freaking goodness. I have taken 2 different kinds of allergy medicine*, and used the allergy Visine drops, and my eyes are still bloodshot and so so itchy. If this hadn't happened several summers in the past, I would seriously think I had pink eye. Dying. Anybody have any tricks/ home remedies? I sat with ice on my face most of lastsmashley_mashley wrote: »52cardpickup wrote: »
Serious question here: What if you don't want that? I'm 47 - the only people who see me naked is my husband and my dog (she judges me - she recently lost 15% of her bodyweight and is smug about it). I live in a climate where I'm covered up a lot of the time. All I really want is to look ok in my clothes. I feel like MFP is often all about lifting weights, and I'm just not interested in doing that.52cardpickup wrote: »kellienw335 wrote: »Confession: I don’t know what my goal weight should be. I’m 5’9 and currently weigh 221. (That’s a big step since I’ve never admitted that to anyone!) I had the goal set at 200, but didn’t feel like that was low enough. It’s now set at 190, but now I don’t feel like that is low enough either. I weighed 180 the year before my son was born and felt awesome. I weighed 160 when I graduated from high school (and thought I was fat). I know I’ll probably find a weight where I feel comfortable and don’t have to kill myself in the gym every day. I understand all the numbers. Just not sure if I can get back to the 160s mainly because I don’t know if I have the dedication. Looking for some advice from some of you. That seems like a lot of numbers and rambling.
I'm 5'9" and currently 134. I was originally looking to get down to 135, but I'm now looking to pack on some weight again in the form of muscle. Not sure if I want to do that in the form of a bulk or a recomp. I'd be happy to send you some progress photos, if that would help you.
My biggest regret is not weight training more consistently in my weight loss, if I'm being honest.
Eventually, once goals are close to being met or have already passed, this is what it will come down to. If you want to be skinny as a rail, fine. Diet and cardio all day, every day. But unless you are naturally blessed, if you want a fitness magazine cover body, you HAVE to do some strength training.
I agree with all of this. I feel like there's a lot of pressure from a lot of people to jump on the weight lifting bandwagon for aesthetic reasons, and a lot of people throw out "LIFT HEAVY" as the be all and end all of exercise without considering other people's interest/disinterest/goals/physical limitations/aspirations/time/what have you.
This morning there was a thread started by a person who was depressed because they weighed in at 501 pounds, and one of the first suggestions was that they start squatting and deadlifting. Seriously? SMDH. I get the feeling that people don't read the original post, they just respond with an automatic blurb.
On the other hand, weight lifting (OR resistance training, and THAT IS THE KEY!) is great for reasons aside from aesthetics... it strengthens bones and bone density, aids in living independently into old age, etc. It doesn't mean that you have to squat 300 lbs and bench press 1000, or look like Arnold, or stand in front of the mirror kissing your muscles and taking selfies. I just believe that an exercise routine should be balanced like an "eating routine" (don'twanttosaydiet) should be balanced.
sorry if this came across as judge-y *hangs head in shame and slinks off*
I bolded both because I agree with both. I think there is a lot of emphasis on heavy lifting and I have browsed the 5x5 ( looks kind of scary). My goal isn't to be magazine cover fit, I am fine with being "average" with some squish as long as I can fit into regular sized clothes.
But I am also in @52cardpickup's camp because since I have been doing strength training, I love being able to help carry appliances in the house or lift the couch whereas before I struggled.
I lift weights to feel strong too, I'd love to have a good looking body but strength is my main goal now.
I love that I can scoff in the grocery store employee's faces when they ask "Do you need a hand out with that?". I love that I can lift my own boxes at work rather than waiting for a man to come do it (My feminist streak rages when I hear someone say this).
I know exactly what you mean. I travel lot with work and the amount of middle age men that struggle to lift my case out of the car really irritates me. I could lift it over my head, I don't need their help!!0 -
I am afraid that when I lose my weight, I will feel ugly and hate the extra skin so much, that I will gain the weight back
I have a nice big loose skin pouch, but you know what... I also have a framed family picture with me at my heaviest and NOPE NOPE NOPE. I'll take the loose skin any day.berlynnwall wrote: »Oh my freaking goodness. I have taken 2 different kinds of allergy medicine*, and used the allergy Visine drops, and my eyes are still bloodshot and so so itchy. If this hadn't happened several summers in the past, I would seriously think I had pink eye. Dying. Anybody have any tricks/ home remedies? I sat with ice on my face most of last evening.
*Singulair and Allegra
I'd probably get it checked to make sure it's really allergies... but I hear you. I had a horrible allergy reaction to make up when I was 18 that ended up with my eyes so red and crusty that I couldn't even open them in the morning. So awful.quiksylver296 wrote: »
Thanks for the replies guys. This is why my heart is broken and I've been so (BEYOND) depressed lately. I haven't talked to him since last Sunday. I have cried every day.
I did the bad thing and checked on his phone because he's been so secretive (I was able to guess the password). I saw a lot of things that I never wanted to see.
I love him so I'm struggling with my feelings right now. I know most people can't change but maybe therapy? I don't know. I am in that strange place where I don't want to be without him but I don't want to be with him if he can't change.
Sorry to complain. I feel like it's cheating too since it's a violation of trust and he is being inappropriate. We are going to meet up Friday to talk. This is the guy I've been with for almost 11 years.
Oh wow I'm so sorry. Sending you a cyber hug.The stepdaughter did come by last night. She emptied the litter box and I assume fed/watered her cat. She was in the living room (with a friend she brought over without telling us) my husband and daughter. They were all chatting when I walked in. I said zero words to her, put away the groceries, and went to take a shower since I had just worked out.
Apparently, she told my husband and daughter that she was going to drop off her friend and come back. I don't feel I need to tell you this didn't happen.
My husband finally broke down last night and said "I don't know why she doesn't want to live with us." It was heartbreaking and I want to spank her for being such a little jerk to her dad.
Thank you for allowing me to vent incessantly about this on here. I really appreciate it.
Uggggggh. So sorry you're dealing with that!
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My post above totally hasn't work. I was getting on board with the feminist rage about being able to lift things. I don't want old men to put their backs out lifting my suitcase that I'm more than capable of carrying myself when I'm travelling with work.0
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heartsstarspll wrote: »heartsstarspll wrote: »Confession: I just saw that I have 2 flags for alleged "spam". How did I spam you ask? Apparently replying to a thread about some city banning soda's in happy meals and saying it's none of their business what parents give their kids is spam. I swear, it is laughable the things that get flagged around here. I can't believe how abused the system is. I have been tempted to flag posts I didn't agree with... but I realize it's dumb to flag something just because I disagree.
Confession: I am a little sad that I got flagged. It makes me feel like running away and never posting again. But reading and posting here feels like it will help me stay on track, so I guess it's a trade off. So I guess I will continue even though apparently someone out there doesn't like me (at least 2 people.. lol)
I have issues - technical issues when I post on my phone. I *may* have flagged someone entirely by accident and not even known it. I have never "on purpose" flagged someone.
Don't let a random stranger with a different opinion get you down. ((HUGS))
aww I will try not to. lol I don't mind differing opinions. I just feel like flag=bad=me. lol But I will keep that in mind that just because I got a flag maybe somebody did it on accident. And even if they didn't, I know that I did and said nothing wrong, so it's their issue, not mine. I just don't want to get in trouble. lol
I'm pages behind, but someone may have already told you - flags are meaningless. The mods don't even look at them. The only way any post is brought to their attention is if it's reported. People who use flags are newbies who don't understand how anything works, or they're trolls trying to get a post hidden from sight without the mods knowing they're doing it (and it's not really hidden, people can still click on it to read it). They need at least 5 flags to get a report spammed away, and that's difficult to get 5 different people to do unless they're colluding somewhere else to team up on you.
That's really good to know. I took it so personally. But now that I think about it, I see a lot of posts flagged for no reason! lol So I guess like others have said, it's like a game.0 -
quiksylver296 wrote: »
Thanks for the replies guys. This is why my heart is broken and I've been so (BEYOND) depressed lately. I haven't talked to him since last Sunday. I have cried every day.
I did the bad thing and checked on his phone because he's been so secretive (I was able to guess the password). I saw a lot of things that I never wanted to see.
I love him so I'm struggling with my feelings right now. I know most people can't change but maybe therapy? I don't know. I am in that strange place where I don't want to be without him but I don't want to be with him if he can't change.
Sorry to complain. I feel like it's cheating too since it's a violation of trust and he is being inappropriate. We are going to meet up Friday to talk. This is the guy I've been with for almost 11 years.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. You know your relationship better than anyone and how you feel about him so only you can decide what you need to do. I hope whatever you decide works out for you xx0 -
quiksylver296 wrote: »
Thanks for the replies guys. This is why my heart is broken and I've been so (BEYOND) depressed lately. I haven't talked to him since last Sunday. I have cried every day.
I did the bad thing and checked on his phone because he's been so secretive (I was able to guess the password). I saw a lot of things that I never wanted to see.
I love him so I'm struggling with my feelings right now. I know most people can't change but maybe therapy? I don't know. I am in that strange place where I don't want to be without him but I don't want to be with him if he can't change.
Sorry to complain. I feel like it's cheating too since it's a violation of trust and he is being inappropriate. We are going to meet up Friday to talk. This is the guy I've been with for almost 11 years.
Now is the time you prioritize YOUR best interests, long term. Don't be too hasty to make a decision. Think it through. Then think it through some more. Ask opinions from friends you can trust to give you a solid 'outside looking in' opinion.
Starting with question 1, and the most important, can YOU recover from this and eventually forgive him? Like truuuuly forgive him? As in once it's put to rest, never to be brought up or used as a tool to start a fight when you have a bad day? (It's ok to answer NO because you have done no wrong here).
Question 2 is do you think he is truly remorseful for his actions and want to prove to you he can change? Or is he just sorry he got caught? The key here is him agreeing to YOUR terms in FULL. 100% disclosure with access everything sensitive... all emails, phone texts, phone bills, etc.
The bold question is important. Very. I have a friend who cheated on his wife. They stayed together for the kids. (wrong reason, but it's not my place to say) She uses his cheating as power over him. Manipulates him with it. Yes, it was wrong. It was a one-time thing, though (with alcohol involved; no excuse but it wasn't premeditated or planned). You have to be able to truly forgive and forget for either one of you to be happy.
We make mistakes but we should NOT defined and identified by our mistakes (unless you're a serial killer or something).0 -
berlynnwall wrote: »The stepdaughter did come by last night. She emptied the litter box and I assume fed/watered her cat. She was in the living room (with a friend she brought over without telling us) my husband and daughter. They were all chatting when I walked in. I said zero words to her, put away the groceries, and went to take a shower since I had just worked out.
Apparently, she told my husband and daughter that she was going to drop off her friend and come back. I don't feel I need to tell you this didn't happen.
My husband finally broke down last night and said "I don't know why she doesn't want to live with us." It was heartbreaking and I want to spank her for being such a little jerk to her dad.
Thank you for allowing me to vent incessantly about this on here. I really appreciate it.
How awful. That is really hurtful. Will he ask her why she is being this way, or is he more the type to just keep his feelings to himself? I feel like sometimes young adults and older teens don't realize how selfish they are being and a wake up call can help. I'm not sure if it would help in this situation though, but your husband may feel better if he at least tries to talk to her about what she is doing. That sucks.
He told me last night he was going to talk to her about how he feels. I really hope he does. I asked him why he's not upset that she's disrespecting him, and he said he is sad that she doesn't want to spend time with us. I think he's too sad to feel angry. He also told me that he's just happy he has any type of relationship with her even if it's not much of one.
The one thing that really set me off last night was he told me that she told them she's been sleeping on her mom's couch without cushions for the past 2+ weeks. This pissed me to the nth degree because she has her own bedroom with a queen size pillow top mattress at our house, yet she'd rather sleep on a cushionless couch.
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The stepdaughter did come by last night. She emptied the litter box and I assume fed/watered her cat. She was in the living room (with a friend she brought over without telling us) my husband and daughter. They were all chatting when I walked in. I said zero words to her, put away the groceries, and went to take a shower since I had just worked out.
Apparently, she told my husband and daughter that she was going to drop off her friend and come back. I don't feel I need to tell you this didn't happen.
My husband finally broke down last night and said "I don't know why she doesn't want to live with us." It was heartbreaking and I want to spank her for being such a little jerk to her dad.
Thank you for allowing me to vent incessantly about this on here. I really appreciate it.
Depending on age (she is 18+, right?), she's probably exercising her own ability to be 'somewhat' independent without any ill intent towards you or her dad. New adults have a totally different mindset. And don't think I am sticking up for her.... but it's amazing the things I personally took for granted without ever once thinking about my moms feelings. Simple things, too. Like calling to check in or surprise visit, whatev. Even to this day I have to remind myself that my mom still has the same feelings for me now as I do for my own 9 year old daughter and eventually to some degree, I will most likely endure the same hardships and worry that my mom once had. Sticky situation with plenty of room for hurt/misunderstood feelings. GL0 -
kelly_c_77 wrote: »The stepdaughter did come by last night. She emptied the litter box and I assume fed/watered her cat. She was in the living room (with a friend she brought over without telling us) my husband and daughter. They were all chatting when I walked in. I said zero words to her, put away the groceries, and went to take a shower since I had just worked out.
Apparently, she told my husband and daughter that she was going to drop off her friend and come back. I don't feel I need to tell you this didn't happen.
My husband finally broke down last night and said "I don't know why she doesn't want to live with us." It was heartbreaking and I want to spank her for being such a little jerk to her dad.
Thank you for allowing me to vent incessantly about this on here. I really appreciate it.
Seriously, how frustrating! And sad for your husband (and daughter..and you)!! Also, I'm betting she brought her friend over in hopes that it would keep from possibly getting "yelled at"....that's what I would have done when I was younger 
Not that I was a bad child...
I'm sure that's why she brought the tag along. My husband would never yell at her though. He's so uncomfortable with conflict that he lets people take advantage of him...good thing he has me.
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@FroggyBug I'm so very sorry that you're going through this. I agree with what has been said thus far in not letting him turn this on you in any way and really listen to him to see if he is sincere. Overall don't let anyone else determine your worth. And you are worth it to have someone who truly cares for you that you can trust wholeheartedly. Whether that's this man or someone else- you deserve it.0
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The stepdaughter did come by last night. She emptied the litter box and I assume fed/watered her cat. She was in the living room (with a friend she brought over without telling us) my husband and daughter. They were all chatting when I walked in. I said zero words to her, put away the groceries, and went to take a shower since I had just worked out.
Apparently, she told my husband and daughter that she was going to drop off her friend and come back. I don't feel I need to tell you this didn't happen.
My husband finally broke down last night and said "I don't know why she doesn't want to live with us." It was heartbreaking and I want to spank her for being such a little jerk to her dad.
Thank you for allowing me to vent incessantly about this on here. I really appreciate it.
Depending on age (she is 18+, right?), she's probably exercising her own ability to be 'somewhat' independent without any ill intent towards you or her dad. New adults have a totally different mindset. And don't think I am sticking up for her.... but it's amazing the things I personally took for granted without ever once thinking about my moms feelings. Simple things, too. Like calling to check in or surprise visit, whatev. Even to this day I have to remind myself that my mom still has the same feelings for me now as I do for my own 9 year old daughter and eventually to some degree, I will most likely endure the same hardships and worry that my mom once had. Sticky situation with plenty of room for hurt/misunderstood feelings. GL
I totally get all that her wanting to independent and whatnot, however, we were nice enough to offer her a place to stay when she didn't have anywhere else to go, and not only that, but we bought her a BRAND NEW CAR (my husband drives a 1963 Chevy pickup) when she totaled her other car, after her only being in our lives for not even 2 months. She has not paid a single penny towards said car with regards to insurance, payment, or anything. The deal was when we bought the car, she would be 100% responsible for the insurance, and tags, and she'd pay what she could towards the payment each month. Her tags are due this month and I told my husband WE ARE NOT PAYING FOR HER TAGS!
I know a lot of what my husband is doing is trying to make up for not being able to be in her life while she was growing up (not his decision) but he can't make up for it and he needs to stop trying (although, knowing him, he never will. The guilt is just too much even though it was totally out of his control.) And she needs to quit being a selfish brat that's taking advantage of our generosity. Young adult or not, there's still such a thing as common courtesy.
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The stepdaughter did come by last night. She emptied the litter box and I assume fed/watered her cat. She was in the living room (with a friend she brought over without telling us) my husband and daughter. They were all chatting when I walked in. I said zero words to her, put away the groceries, and went to take a shower since I had just worked out.
Apparently, she told my husband and daughter that she was going to drop off her friend and come back. I don't feel I need to tell you this didn't happen.
My husband finally broke down last night and said "I don't know why she doesn't want to live with us." It was heartbreaking and I want to spank her for being such a little jerk to her dad.
Thank you for allowing me to vent incessantly about this on here. I really appreciate it.
Depending on age (she is 18+, right?), she's probably exercising her own ability to be 'somewhat' independent without any ill intent towards you or her dad. New adults have a totally different mindset. And don't think I am sticking up for her.... but it's amazing the things I personally took for granted without ever once thinking about my moms feelings. Simple things, too. Like calling to check in or surprise visit, whatev. Even to this day I have to remind myself that my mom still has the same feelings for me now as I do for my own 9 year old daughter and eventually to some degree, I will most likely endure the same hardships and worry that my mom once had. Sticky situation with plenty of room for hurt/misunderstood feelings. GL
Yes, this exactly. I'm not defending her, either, but given her age and the circumstances, I don't think your husband should be taking it personally at ALL. At this age, all they really think about is themselves. They are pretty oblivious to the outside world and that what they say and do and don't do affects others. Clueless. Don't care. Self-absorbed. That's normal to a degree.
Flip side is this: having an adult child move in with you can sometimes turn into a long-term thing that no one is happy with. Getting boomerang kids OUT once they move back in can be tricky. At least she's not doing that.
My husband and I have been together for 15 years. His daughter still prefers spending time with her mom and that side of the family over us. Fine. We've learned to accept it. We have different lifestyles and as long as we get to see the grandkids regularly we all accept each others choices and preferences. I guess I'm saying that even after she matures and becomes independent she may not want to spend time with you then, either. Sure, it bothers my husband that his daughter is that way but we've learned that it's not a personal attack.0 -
berlynnwall wrote: »The stepdaughter did come by last night. She emptied the litter box and I assume fed/watered her cat. She was in the living room (with a friend she brought over without telling us) my husband and daughter. They were all chatting when I walked in. I said zero words to her, put away the groceries, and went to take a shower since I had just worked out.
Apparently, she told my husband and daughter that she was going to drop off her friend and come back. I don't feel I need to tell you this didn't happen.
My husband finally broke down last night and said "I don't know why she doesn't want to live with us." It was heartbreaking and I want to spank her for being such a little jerk to her dad.
Thank you for allowing me to vent incessantly about this on here. I really appreciate it.
How awful. That is really hurtful. Will he ask her why she is being this way, or is he more the type to just keep his feelings to himself? I feel like sometimes young adults and older teens don't realize how selfish they are being and a wake up call can help. I'm not sure if it would help in this situation though, but your husband may feel better if he at least tries to talk to her about what she is doing. That sucks.
He told me last night he was going to talk to her about how he feels. I really hope he does. I asked him why he's not upset that she's disrespecting him, and he said he is sad that she doesn't want to spend time with us. I think he's too sad to feel angry. He also told me that he's just happy he has any type of relationship with her even if it's not much of one.
The one thing that really set me off last night was he told me that she told them she's been sleeping on her mom's couch without cushions for the past 2+ weeks. This pissed me to the nth degree because she has her own bedroom with a queen size pillow top mattress at our house, yet she'd rather sleep on a cushionless couch.
I fell way behind and caught up finally. I'm dealing with disrespectful stepkids myself, but they aren't grown yet.
I believe she would not have a key to my home if this were happening to me. If she wants to stay there when you are home, she's welcome to stop by, but she doesn't "live" there. If she wants to live there, she adheres to the rules / common courtesy. Period. Otherwise, she would not be coming and going from my home at will like that.
Either my husband would tell her or I would. Your daughter is seeing this behavior, and it's setting an example for her. I would not allow it. But, I'm a huge stickler for respect. That's part of why the stepkids don't like me. They were regularly disrespectful to my husband when we first got together. I told them that disrespect toward their father would absolutely not be tolerated in my home whether he had enforced it before or not.0 -
I don't feel want go to gym today, got argument with my girlfriend. She said I don't support her, yet she tell her friends treat her better than me and he has better personality than me. What a jerk, I'm not perfect, everybody is not perfect. Yet, I tell go ahead if you want with him, I'm not put any chain on her. Then, she's angrier than before, said I'm not even try. It hurts for me to compared with other people.
Maybe tomorrow I'll go to gym and hit heavy bag a lot. It always good way to scream and let emotion out.0 -
berlynnwall wrote: »The stepdaughter did come by last night. She emptied the litter box and I assume fed/watered her cat. She was in the living room (with a friend she brought over without telling us) my husband and daughter. They were all chatting when I walked in. I said zero words to her, put away the groceries, and went to take a shower since I had just worked out.
Apparently, she told my husband and daughter that she was going to drop off her friend and come back. I don't feel I need to tell you this didn't happen.
My husband finally broke down last night and said "I don't know why she doesn't want to live with us." It was heartbreaking and I want to spank her for being such a little jerk to her dad.
Thank you for allowing me to vent incessantly about this on here. I really appreciate it.
How awful. That is really hurtful. Will he ask her why she is being this way, or is he more the type to just keep his feelings to himself? I feel like sometimes young adults and older teens don't realize how selfish they are being and a wake up call can help. I'm not sure if it would help in this situation though, but your husband may feel better if he at least tries to talk to her about what she is doing. That sucks.
He told me last night he was going to talk to her about how he feels. I really hope he does. I asked him why he's not upset that she's disrespecting him, and he said he is sad that she doesn't want to spend time with us. I think he's too sad to feel angry. He also told me that he's just happy he has any type of relationship with her even if it's not much of one.
The one thing that really set me off last night was he told me that she told them she's been sleeping on her mom's couch without cushions for the past 2+ weeks. This pissed me to the nth degree because she has her own bedroom with a queen size pillow top mattress at our house, yet she'd rather sleep on a cushionless couch.
Holy bed batman! I'd be there in a heartbeat, I didn't get my first "big girl bed" (aka anything besides a twin bed) until I was 24!! Totes jealous! Yes I said totes 0 -
smashley_mashley wrote: »52cardpickup wrote: »
Serious question here: What if you don't want that? I'm 47 - the only people who see me naked is my husband and my dog (she judges me - she recently lost 15% of her bodyweight and is smug about it). I live in a climate where I'm covered up a lot of the time. All I really want is to look ok in my clothes. I feel like MFP is often all about lifting weights, and I'm just not interested in doing that.52cardpickup wrote: »kellienw335 wrote: »Confession: I don’t know what my goal weight should be. I’m 5’9 and currently weigh 221. (That’s a big step since I’ve never admitted that to anyone!) I had the goal set at 200, but didn’t feel like that was low enough. It’s now set at 190, but now I don’t feel like that is low enough either. I weighed 180 the year before my son was born and felt awesome. I weighed 160 when I graduated from high school (and thought I was fat). I know I’ll probably find a weight where I feel comfortable and don’t have to kill myself in the gym every day. I understand all the numbers. Just not sure if I can get back to the 160s mainly because I don’t know if I have the dedication. Looking for some advice from some of you. That seems like a lot of numbers and rambling.
I'm 5'9" and currently 134. I was originally looking to get down to 135, but I'm now looking to pack on some weight again in the form of muscle. Not sure if I want to do that in the form of a bulk or a recomp. I'd be happy to send you some progress photos, if that would help you.
My biggest regret is not weight training more consistently in my weight loss, if I'm being honest.
Eventually, once goals are close to being met or have already passed, this is what it will come down to. If you want to be skinny as a rail, fine. Diet and cardio all day, every day. But unless you are naturally blessed, if you want a fitness magazine cover body, you HAVE to do some strength training.
I agree with all of this. I feel like there's a lot of pressure from a lot of people to jump on the weight lifting bandwagon for aesthetic reasons, and a lot of people throw out "LIFT HEAVY" as the be all and end all of exercise without considering other people's interest/disinterest/goals/physical limitations/aspirations/time/what have you.
This morning there was a thread started by a person who was depressed because they weighed in at 501 pounds, and one of the first suggestions was that they start squatting and deadlifting. Seriously? SMDH. I get the feeling that people don't read the original post, they just respond with an automatic blurb.
On the other hand, weight lifting (OR resistance training, and THAT IS THE KEY!) is great for reasons aside from aesthetics... it strengthens bones and bone density, aids in living independently into old age, etc. It doesn't mean that you have to squat 300 lbs and bench press 1000, or look like Arnold, or stand in front of the mirror kissing your muscles and taking selfies. I just believe that an exercise routine should be balanced like an "eating routine" (don'twanttosaydiet) should be balanced.
sorry if this came across as judge-y *hangs head in shame and slinks off*
I bolded both because I agree with both. I think there is a lot of emphasis on heavy lifting and I have browsed the 5x5 ( looks kind of scary). My goal isn't to be magazine cover fit, I am fine with being "average" with some squish as long as I can fit into regular sized clothes.
But I am also in @52cardpickup's camp because since I have been doing strength training, I love being able to help carry appliances in the house or lift the couch whereas before I struggled.
I lift weights to feel strong too, I'd love to have a good looking body but strength is my main goal now.
I love that I can scoff in the grocery store employee's faces when they ask "Do you need a hand out with that?". I love that I can lift my own boxes at work rather than waiting for a man to come do it (My feminist streak rages when I hear someone say this).
My SO actually lets me carry the dog food now.
He was being all chivalrous and trying to take it away from me. I said, "Look, I deadlift waaaaaay more than this. Multiple times. Every second day. For fun." He just laughed and gave in.
I do allow him to carry the heavy groceries, however.0 -
kelly_c_77 wrote: »xLoveLikeWinterx wrote: »kelly_c_77 wrote: »
I didn't like Grease much but I love Dirty Dancing!
Footloose!
One of my favorites, ever! The original one with Kevin Bacon, of course!
The remake was terrible Kevin Bacon all the way!
Omg, so terrible! And I just love Kevin Bacon...speaking of..anyone watch The Following and as sad as I am that it's cancelled?
I have not watched the last four(ish) episodes yet - life has been insane - but I'm disappointed it's done. Love me some Kevin Bacon.0 -
smashley_mashley wrote: »52cardpickup wrote: »
Serious question here: What if you don't want that? I'm 47 - the only people who see me naked is my husband and my dog (she judges me - she recently lost 15% of her bodyweight and is smug about it). I live in a climate where I'm covered up a lot of the time. All I really want is to look ok in my clothes. I feel like MFP is often all about lifting weights, and I'm just not interested in doing that.52cardpickup wrote: »kellienw335 wrote: »Confession: I don’t know what my goal weight should be. I’m 5’9 and currently weigh 221. (That’s a big step since I’ve never admitted that to anyone!) I had the goal set at 200, but didn’t feel like that was low enough. It’s now set at 190, but now I don’t feel like that is low enough either. I weighed 180 the year before my son was born and felt awesome. I weighed 160 when I graduated from high school (and thought I was fat). I know I’ll probably find a weight where I feel comfortable and don’t have to kill myself in the gym every day. I understand all the numbers. Just not sure if I can get back to the 160s mainly because I don’t know if I have the dedication. Looking for some advice from some of you. That seems like a lot of numbers and rambling.
I'm 5'9" and currently 134. I was originally looking to get down to 135, but I'm now looking to pack on some weight again in the form of muscle. Not sure if I want to do that in the form of a bulk or a recomp. I'd be happy to send you some progress photos, if that would help you.
My biggest regret is not weight training more consistently in my weight loss, if I'm being honest.
Eventually, once goals are close to being met or have already passed, this is what it will come down to. If you want to be skinny as a rail, fine. Diet and cardio all day, every day. But unless you are naturally blessed, if you want a fitness magazine cover body, you HAVE to do some strength training.
I agree with all of this. I feel like there's a lot of pressure from a lot of people to jump on the weight lifting bandwagon for aesthetic reasons, and a lot of people throw out "LIFT HEAVY" as the be all and end all of exercise without considering other people's interest/disinterest/goals/physical limitations/aspirations/time/what have you.
This morning there was a thread started by a person who was depressed because they weighed in at 501 pounds, and one of the first suggestions was that they start squatting and deadlifting. Seriously? SMDH. I get the feeling that people don't read the original post, they just respond with an automatic blurb.
On the other hand, weight lifting (OR resistance training, and THAT IS THE KEY!) is great for reasons aside from aesthetics... it strengthens bones and bone density, aids in living independently into old age, etc. It doesn't mean that you have to squat 300 lbs and bench press 1000, or look like Arnold, or stand in front of the mirror kissing your muscles and taking selfies. I just believe that an exercise routine should be balanced like an "eating routine" (don'twanttosaydiet) should be balanced.
sorry if this came across as judge-y *hangs head in shame and slinks off*
I bolded both because I agree with both. I think there is a lot of emphasis on heavy lifting and I have browsed the 5x5 ( looks kind of scary). My goal isn't to be magazine cover fit, I am fine with being "average" with some squish as long as I can fit into regular sized clothes.
But I am also in @52cardpickup's camp because since I have been doing strength training, I love being able to help carry appliances in the house or lift the couch whereas before I struggled.
I lift weights to feel strong too, I'd love to have a good looking body but strength is my main goal now.
I love that I can scoff in the grocery store employee's faces when they ask "Do you need a hand out with that?". I love that I can lift my own boxes at work rather than waiting for a man to come do it (My feminist streak rages when I hear someone say this).
My SO actually lets me carry the dog food now.
He was being all chivalrous and trying to take it away from me. I said, "Look, I deadlift waaaaaay more than this. Multiple times. Every second day. For fun." He just laughed and gave in.
I do allow him to carry the heavy groceries, however.
I approve of this.0 -
The stepdaughter did come by last night. She emptied the litter box and I assume fed/watered her cat. She was in the living room (with a friend she brought over without telling us) my husband and daughter. They were all chatting when I walked in. I said zero words to her, put away the groceries, and went to take a shower since I had just worked out.
Apparently, she told my husband and daughter that she was going to drop off her friend and come back. I don't feel I need to tell you this didn't happen.
My husband finally broke down last night and said "I don't know why she doesn't want to live with us." It was heartbreaking and I want to spank her for being such a little jerk to her dad.
Thank you for allowing me to vent incessantly about this on here. I really appreciate it.
Depending on age (she is 18+, right?), she's probably exercising her own ability to be 'somewhat' independent without any ill intent towards you or her dad. New adults have a totally different mindset. And don't think I am sticking up for her.... but it's amazing the things I personally took for granted without ever once thinking about my moms feelings. Simple things, too. Like calling to check in or surprise visit, whatev. Even to this day I have to remind myself that my mom still has the same feelings for me now as I do for my own 9 year old daughter and eventually to some degree, I will most likely endure the same hardships and worry that my mom once had. Sticky situation with plenty of room for hurt/misunderstood feelings. GL
I totally get all that her wanting to independent and whatnot, however, we were nice enough to offer her a place to stay when she didn't have anywhere else to go, and not only that, but we bought her a BRAND NEW CAR (my husband drives a 1963 Chevy pickup) when she totaled her other car, after her only being in our lives for not even 2 months. She has not paid a single penny towards said car with regards to insurance, payment, or anything. The deal was when we bought the car, she would be 100% responsible for the insurance, and tags, and she'd pay what she could towards the payment each month. Her tags are due this month and I told my husband WE ARE NOT PAYING FOR HER TAGS!
I know a lot of what my husband is doing is trying to make up for not being able to be in her life while she was growing up (not his decision) but he can't make up for it and he needs to stop trying (although, knowing him, he never will. The guilt is just too much even though it was totally out of his control.) And she needs to quit being a selfish brat that's taking advantage of our generosity. Young adult or not, there's still such a thing as common courtesy.
Uuugh that's pretty tough position to be in. Sounds like she needs some tough love from the person not willing to give her any out of fear of pushing her further away.
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kelly_c_77 wrote: »xLoveLikeWinterx wrote: »kelly_c_77 wrote: »
I didn't like Grease much but I love Dirty Dancing!
Footloose!
One of my favorites, ever! The original one with Kevin Bacon, of course!
The remake was terrible Kevin Bacon all the way!
Omg, so terrible! And I just love Kevin Bacon...speaking of..anyone watch The Following and as sad as I am that it's cancelled?
Yes! I am! I was so mad I wasted so much time getting into it! This is why I don't watch most series unless they're already over so I know there's some sort of conclusion/resolution!
Do not start The Glades then...... I watched the entire thing and was so pissed about where they left it. Great show though.
It's terrible when things get canceled between seasons. I liked The Glades, except for their IN YOUR FACE absolutely blatant product placement. Drove me crazy!0 -
berlynnwall wrote: »The stepdaughter did come by last night. She emptied the litter box and I assume fed/watered her cat. She was in the living room (with a friend she brought over without telling us) my husband and daughter. They were all chatting when I walked in. I said zero words to her, put away the groceries, and went to take a shower since I had just worked out.
Apparently, she told my husband and daughter that she was going to drop off her friend and come back. I don't feel I need to tell you this didn't happen.
My husband finally broke down last night and said "I don't know why she doesn't want to live with us." It was heartbreaking and I want to spank her for being such a little jerk to her dad.
Thank you for allowing me to vent incessantly about this on here. I really appreciate it.
How awful. That is really hurtful. Will he ask her why she is being this way, or is he more the type to just keep his feelings to himself? I feel like sometimes young adults and older teens don't realize how selfish they are being and a wake up call can help. I'm not sure if it would help in this situation though, but your husband may feel better if he at least tries to talk to her about what she is doing. That sucks.
He told me last night he was going to talk to her about how he feels. I really hope he does. I asked him why he's not upset that she's disrespecting him, and he said he is sad that she doesn't want to spend time with us. I think he's too sad to feel angry. He also told me that he's just happy he has any type of relationship with her even if it's not much of one.
The one thing that really set me off last night was he told me that she told them she's been sleeping on her mom's couch without cushions for the past 2+ weeks. This pissed me to the nth degree because she has her own bedroom with a queen size pillow top mattress at our house, yet she'd rather sleep on a cushionless couch.
That is really a hard situation. I hope he does talk to her, if only to work through his own feelings even if it makes no difference to her. How sad.
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raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »
Yeah. You almost wish a special needs child on some people, to see if they'd finally get it.raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »
I really feel for you on this. My oldest son was extremely hard work at that age. All my family were sympathetic but still thought he'd 'grow out of it'. I remember telling my mum that I would cut off my right arm if it would just make everything easy for him. I was being 100% totally honest, and I still feel like this, despite him now being 18m and with all that he's achieved. She got really angry with me, and that's when I knew that although she loved us all, she would never understand.raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »kellienw335 wrote: »raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »kellyjellybellyjelly wrote: »raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »Oh, and what do the cool moms and kiddos do on Sunday morning? Matching Frozen color manicures of course! (Proud mommy moment, a few months ago just the idea of something touching her hands made her panic, now she loves having her nails painted! Small victories over Sensory Processing Disorder!)
Aww, how adorable!
Whoo for the small victory:).
My two year old niece is obsessed with Frozen! Her brother the one day asked if she was a boy or a girl & she said no to both & he asked what she was. Her answer...Elsa hahaha.
Haha! That sounds like my daughter too! All Frozen, all the time. If it's not playing on some DVD player in my house on loop, she's still running around singing "Let it Go" and proclaiming herself to be Elsa. I've tried to use that to my advantage with the potty training endeavors, but still no luck...
Potty training at our house too! Does your little one go to daycare or are you a SAHM? Ours goes to daycare and she did pretty well this weekend. Only one accident yesterday, but we put a diaper on when she sleeps.
I'm a SAHM. She knows how everything works, what to do, and how to do it. The thing is, she won't do it. We bought panties and the waterproof ones to cover those, just so I'm not spending all day mopping up puddles of pee when she has accidents. She tries, but she tries after she pees or poops herself. The big goal is to have her potty trained before she starts 3K in September. Add in her sensory challenges and anxiety issues, and I have a feeling we're going to be at it awhile.
Potty training was a nightmare in my house. My son still pooped his pants regularly at 4.5. I had to take him to a therapist, but thankfully it helped. Now he's almost 7.5 and he still won't wipe half the time and still pees his bed once a week (and won't tell me, of course, until it's bedtime and the bed reeks and I have a lot of laundry to do the next day. Then he sleeps on the floor).
His sister still has poop in her underwear every single day. And I still have to remind them to wipe their hands (plus side - I never even consider eating their leftovers. *barf*).
Kids are just SO gross.
We were hoping potty training would be easier for her, because pooping is a challenge in and of itself. The sensation of actually pooping sends her into a complete meltdown, and she has a terrible habit of holding and holding until she's so constipated it makes her sick and we have to give her enemas to make her poop. That's even with giving her a tablespoon of miralax every day by her doctor's recommendation. I seriously hate SPD, not just for that, but for countless other reasons. It's taken so much from her and kept her from so many things already, and it pisses me off! I can't tell you how many nights and times I've spent in tears over it and seeing her struggle every day with it. The worst part is, it's not even recognized that much, I've actually had to explain to a doctor what SPD is because they looked at me like an idiot when I mentioned she had it. I can't tell you how many times I get asked if I'm not sure she's autistic, when she's been tested multiple times and they've said she doesn't meet the criteria for that diagnosis. So far, she's been diagnosed with SPD, anxiety, and "pervasive developmental disorder-non otherwise specified", and already shows signs of possible ADHD. My heart breaks for her, seeing how she struggles so much, but I try to be thankful, because I know it could be so much worse, but there's still times where I just want to scream and cry and yell about how it's so unfair to her!
Ok, ending my rant now.
Sounds really difficult for both of you, but she is very lucky to have such a caring mom. I know there are some days I have trouble dealing with sensory overload. It is so hard to imagine what it would be like for a child with a sensory disorder. Please feel free to rant when needed. You need a safe place, too.
Aww, thank you! I don't talk about it much, because the family likes to act like she doesn't have anything wrong and we exaggerate her issues and make excuses for her being a brat. Yeah, I'm pretty sure all those trips to therapy, all the doctor appointments, and all the meltdowns and judgmental stares are all because we're feeding off drama and attention.
It can be hard, but I try to remind myself of how far she has come and the progress she's made.
Hugs to you.
That's what I get all the time. "She'll outgrow it", "she's just being a brat", and my favorite "bust her *kitten* more and she'll quit that"; we've actually been told "if you'd give her a bath more often she wouldn't freak out like that". I guess giving her a shower daily isn't often enough? I try to just ignore it, but it still really gets to me.
The bad part is, some of the ones saying that have a kid with, get this, THE SAME DISORDER! I'm not kidding.
Well, it will be interesting to see all the kids when they are grown up and to see how the whooping worked vs. the therapies. Please know that the time and energy you invest now will be SO worth it in the long run. Also, know that she probably won't thank you!
Thank you! I try to ignore them as much as I can, especially when they "advise" me against having another child because we'll "*kitten* her up" if we do. *insert eye roll and facepalm* I know she'll hate me one day, and I'll irritate her and piss her off, but right now, I soak in every hug, kiss, and "I wuv you Mommy" she gives me!
Sorry I'm way behind but I can't believe that people say that to you!! I'm so angry right now. You sound like an amazing mom. I think we have daughters around the same age. Mine will be 3 in September.0 -
smashley_mashley wrote: »52cardpickup wrote: »
Serious question here: What if you don't want that? I'm 47 - the only people who see me naked is my husband and my dog (she judges me - she recently lost 15% of her bodyweight and is smug about it). I live in a climate where I'm covered up a lot of the time. All I really want is to look ok in my clothes. I feel like MFP is often all about lifting weights, and I'm just not interested in doing that.52cardpickup wrote: »kellienw335 wrote: »Confession: I don’t know what my goal weight should be. I’m 5’9 and currently weigh 221. (That’s a big step since I’ve never admitted that to anyone!) I had the goal set at 200, but didn’t feel like that was low enough. It’s now set at 190, but now I don’t feel like that is low enough either. I weighed 180 the year before my son was born and felt awesome. I weighed 160 when I graduated from high school (and thought I was fat). I know I’ll probably find a weight where I feel comfortable and don’t have to kill myself in the gym every day. I understand all the numbers. Just not sure if I can get back to the 160s mainly because I don’t know if I have the dedication. Looking for some advice from some of you. That seems like a lot of numbers and rambling.
I'm 5'9" and currently 134. I was originally looking to get down to 135, but I'm now looking to pack on some weight again in the form of muscle. Not sure if I want to do that in the form of a bulk or a recomp. I'd be happy to send you some progress photos, if that would help you.
My biggest regret is not weight training more consistently in my weight loss, if I'm being honest.
Eventually, once goals are close to being met or have already passed, this is what it will come down to. If you want to be skinny as a rail, fine. Diet and cardio all day, every day. But unless you are naturally blessed, if you want a fitness magazine cover body, you HAVE to do some strength training.
I agree with all of this. I feel like there's a lot of pressure from a lot of people to jump on the weight lifting bandwagon for aesthetic reasons, and a lot of people throw out "LIFT HEAVY" as the be all and end all of exercise without considering other people's interest/disinterest/goals/physical limitations/aspirations/time/what have you.
This morning there was a thread started by a person who was depressed because they weighed in at 501 pounds, and one of the first suggestions was that they start squatting and deadlifting. Seriously? SMDH. I get the feeling that people don't read the original post, they just respond with an automatic blurb.
On the other hand, weight lifting (OR resistance training, and THAT IS THE KEY!) is great for reasons aside from aesthetics... it strengthens bones and bone density, aids in living independently into old age, etc. It doesn't mean that you have to squat 300 lbs and bench press 1000, or look like Arnold, or stand in front of the mirror kissing your muscles and taking selfies. I just believe that an exercise routine should be balanced like an "eating routine" (don'twanttosaydiet) should be balanced.
sorry if this came across as judge-y *hangs head in shame and slinks off*
I bolded both because I agree with both. I think there is a lot of emphasis on heavy lifting and I have browsed the 5x5 ( looks kind of scary). My goal isn't to be magazine cover fit, I am fine with being "average" with some squish as long as I can fit into regular sized clothes.
But I am also in @52cardpickup's camp because since I have been doing strength training, I love being able to help carry appliances in the house or lift the couch whereas before I struggled.
I lift weights to feel strong too, I'd love to have a good looking body but strength is my main goal now.
I love that I can scoff in the grocery store employee's faces when they ask "Do you need a hand out with that?". I love that I can lift my own boxes at work rather than waiting for a man to come do it (My feminist streak rages when I hear someone say this).
My SO actually lets me carry the dog food now.
He was being all chivalrous and trying to take it away from me. I said, "Look, I deadlift waaaaaay more than this. Multiple times. Every second day. For fun." He just laughed and gave in.
I do allow him to carry the heavy groceries, however.
I tip my hat to you. I'm to the point now where my husband gives me a look whenever I try to get him to lift or carry something that's "too heavy" for me. He calls me out for just being lazy.
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quiksylver296 wrote: »
Thanks for the replies guys. This is why my heart is broken and I've been so (BEYOND) depressed lately. I haven't talked to him since last Sunday. I have cried every day.
I did the bad thing and checked on his phone because he's been so secretive (I was able to guess the password). I saw a lot of things that I never wanted to see.
I love him so I'm struggling with my feelings right now. I know most people can't change but maybe therapy? I don't know. I am in that strange place where I don't want to be without him but I don't want to be with him if he can't change.
Sorry to complain. I feel like it's cheating too since it's a violation of trust and he is being inappropriate. We are going to meet up Friday to talk. This is the guy I've been with for almost 11 years.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Therapy will only work if he is willing to go & work through it. If he's not willing to change, it might be time to say good bye. I can't imagine how difficult that will be, but you deserve so much better! I know personally if I stuck around, I would be paranoid and wanting to check phones/emails/texts all the time. That's no way to live.
Bolded would be my worry, too. I'm so sorry. Good luck with your meeting on Friday and try to not let it consume you too much in the meantime.0 -
The stepdaughter did come by last night. She emptied the litter box and I assume fed/watered her cat. She was in the living room (with a friend she brought over without telling us) my husband and daughter. They were all chatting when I walked in. I said zero words to her, put away the groceries, and went to take a shower since I had just worked out.
Apparently, she told my husband and daughter that she was going to drop off her friend and come back. I don't feel I need to tell you this didn't happen.
My husband finally broke down last night and said "I don't know why she doesn't want to live with us." It was heartbreaking and I want to spank her for being such a little jerk to her dad.
Thank you for allowing me to vent incessantly about this on here. I really appreciate it.
Depending on age (she is 18+, right?), she's probably exercising her own ability to be 'somewhat' independent without any ill intent towards you or her dad. New adults have a totally different mindset. And don't think I am sticking up for her.... but it's amazing the things I personally took for granted without ever once thinking about my moms feelings. Simple things, too. Like calling to check in or surprise visit, whatev. Even to this day I have to remind myself that my mom still has the same feelings for me now as I do for my own 9 year old daughter and eventually to some degree, I will most likely endure the same hardships and worry that my mom once had. Sticky situation with plenty of room for hurt/misunderstood feelings. GL
Yes, this exactly. I'm not defending her, either, but given her age and the circumstances, I don't think your husband should be taking it personally at ALL. At this age, all they really think about is themselves. They are pretty oblivious to the outside world and that what they say and do and don't do affects others. Clueless. Don't care. Self-absorbed. That's normal to a degree.
Flip side is this: having an adult child move in with you can sometimes turn into a long-term thing that no one is happy with. Getting boomerang kids OUT once they move back in can be tricky. At least she's not doing that.
My husband and I have been together for 15 years. His daughter still prefers spending time with her mom and that side of the family over us. Fine. We've learned to accept it. We have different lifestyles and as long as we get to see the grandkids regularly we all accept each others choices and preferences. I guess I'm saying that even after she matures and becomes independent she may not want to spend time with you then, either. Sure, it bothers my husband that his daughter is that way but we've learned that it's not a personal attack.
I'm cool with that, really I am, but I'm not going to be her storage unit or her cat's caretaker. If she doesn't want to be a part of our lives, fine, we've done just fine the last 15 years without her, but don't use us either and don't get my husband's hopes up of having a relationship that she has no intent on having.
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quiksylver296 wrote: »quiksylver296 wrote: »I'm caught up! Now for my real confession:
I am up 17 pounds from November, when I started this new job. I have also been back in the gym, lifting, since November. I have been telling myself that the weight gain is because I'm lifting. I know that is not true, but I can't seem to rein in. The scale hit 190 today....
I think the thing that p!sses me off the most is that I know what I should be doing. I know the formula for success. And yet, I don't follow it. Urgh.
It's not easy and it sure isn't fun. But you should take solace in the fact that have no doubt gained muscle and muscle weighs more than fat. I'm sorry I couldn't resist throwing that bit in there.
Seriously though, don't be so hard on yourself, you look fantastic and focusing on your weight gain negates all the PR's you've smashed this year. Be proud of those. Hugs, my friend.
I needed to be reminded of that. Thanks. The stupid number on the stupid scale threw me for a stupid loop this morning.
ETA: That's also why I changed my profile pic to what it currently is...
Stupid is the key word! It gets us all sometimes.
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The stepdaughter did come by last night. She emptied the litter box and I assume fed/watered her cat. She was in the living room (with a friend she brought over without telling us) my husband and daughter. They were all chatting when I walked in. I said zero words to her, put away the groceries, and went to take a shower since I had just worked out.
Apparently, she told my husband and daughter that she was going to drop off her friend and come back. I don't feel I need to tell you this didn't happen.
My husband finally broke down last night and said "I don't know why she doesn't want to live with us." It was heartbreaking and I want to spank her for being such a little jerk to her dad.
Thank you for allowing me to vent incessantly about this on here. I really appreciate it.
Depending on age (she is 18+, right?), she's probably exercising her own ability to be 'somewhat' independent without any ill intent towards you or her dad. New adults have a totally different mindset. And don't think I am sticking up for her.... but it's amazing the things I personally took for granted without ever once thinking about my moms feelings. Simple things, too. Like calling to check in or surprise visit, whatev. Even to this day I have to remind myself that my mom still has the same feelings for me now as I do for my own 9 year old daughter and eventually to some degree, I will most likely endure the same hardships and worry that my mom once had. Sticky situation with plenty of room for hurt/misunderstood feelings. GL
Yes, this exactly. I'm not defending her, either, but given her age and the circumstances, I don't think your husband should be taking it personally at ALL. At this age, all they really think about is themselves. They are pretty oblivious to the outside world and that what they say and do and don't do affects others. Clueless. Don't care. Self-absorbed. That's normal to a degree.
Flip side is this: having an adult child move in with you can sometimes turn into a long-term thing that no one is happy with. Getting boomerang kids OUT once they move back in can be tricky. At least she's not doing that.
My husband and I have been together for 15 years. His daughter still prefers spending time with her mom and that side of the family over us. Fine. We've learned to accept it. We have different lifestyles and as long as we get to see the grandkids regularly we all accept each others choices and preferences. I guess I'm saying that even after she matures and becomes independent she may not want to spend time with you then, either. Sure, it bothers my husband that his daughter is that way but we've learned that it's not a personal attack.
Yup. To a less or greater form, it's to be expected. Kids become adults and want their independence to run off without a leash but are often far less willing to give up their assumed provisions of room/board/transportation. Eventually as they evolve you hope they develop a sense of understanding on how it is to be a well functioning adult in todays society.0 -
rungirl1973 wrote: »berlynnwall wrote: »The stepdaughter did come by last night. She emptied the litter box and I assume fed/watered her cat. She was in the living room (with a friend she brought over without telling us) my husband and daughter. They were all chatting when I walked in. I said zero words to her, put away the groceries, and went to take a shower since I had just worked out.
Apparently, she told my husband and daughter that she was going to drop off her friend and come back. I don't feel I need to tell you this didn't happen.
My husband finally broke down last night and said "I don't know why she doesn't want to live with us." It was heartbreaking and I want to spank her for being such a little jerk to her dad.
Thank you for allowing me to vent incessantly about this on here. I really appreciate it.
How awful. That is really hurtful. Will he ask her why she is being this way, or is he more the type to just keep his feelings to himself? I feel like sometimes young adults and older teens don't realize how selfish they are being and a wake up call can help. I'm not sure if it would help in this situation though, but your husband may feel better if he at least tries to talk to her about what she is doing. That sucks.
He told me last night he was going to talk to her about how he feels. I really hope he does. I asked him why he's not upset that she's disrespecting him, and he said he is sad that she doesn't want to spend time with us. I think he's too sad to feel angry. He also told me that he's just happy he has any type of relationship with her even if it's not much of one.
The one thing that really set me off last night was he told me that she told them she's been sleeping on her mom's couch without cushions for the past 2+ weeks. This pissed me to the nth degree because she has her own bedroom with a queen size pillow top mattress at our house, yet she'd rather sleep on a cushionless couch.
I fell way behind and caught up finally. I'm dealing with disrespectful stepkids myself, but they aren't grown yet.
I believe she would not have a key to my home if this were happening to me. If she wants to stay there when you are home, she's welcome to stop by, but she doesn't "live" there. If she wants to live there, she adheres to the rules / common courtesy. Period. Otherwise, she would not be coming and going from my home at will like that.
Either my husband would tell her or I would. Your daughter is seeing this behavior, and it's setting an example for her. I would not allow it. But, I'm a huge stickler for respect. That's part of why the stepkids don't like me. They were regularly disrespectful to my husband when we first got together. I told them that disrespect toward their father would absolutely not be tolerated in my home whether he had enforced it before or not.
I feel this way too. We don't just hand out keys so whoever can come and go as they please. It's just a really sucky situation. You know, she doesn't need a key if she's not going to actually be living there. I will bring that up with my husband tonight.
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berlynnwall wrote: »The stepdaughter did come by last night. She emptied the litter box and I assume fed/watered her cat. She was in the living room (with a friend she brought over without telling us) my husband and daughter. They were all chatting when I walked in. I said zero words to her, put away the groceries, and went to take a shower since I had just worked out.
Apparently, she told my husband and daughter that she was going to drop off her friend and come back. I don't feel I need to tell you this didn't happen.
My husband finally broke down last night and said "I don't know why she doesn't want to live with us." It was heartbreaking and I want to spank her for being such a little jerk to her dad.
Thank you for allowing me to vent incessantly about this on here. I really appreciate it.
How awful. That is really hurtful. Will he ask her why she is being this way, or is he more the type to just keep his feelings to himself? I feel like sometimes young adults and older teens don't realize how selfish they are being and a wake up call can help. I'm not sure if it would help in this situation though, but your husband may feel better if he at least tries to talk to her about what she is doing. That sucks.
He told me last night he was going to talk to her about how he feels. I really hope he does. I asked him why he's not upset that she's disrespecting him, and he said he is sad that she doesn't want to spend time with us. I think he's too sad to feel angry. He also told me that he's just happy he has any type of relationship with her even if it's not much of one.
The one thing that really set me off last night was he told me that she told them she's been sleeping on her mom's couch without cushions for the past 2+ weeks. This pissed me to the nth degree because she has her own bedroom with a queen size pillow top mattress at our house, yet she'd rather sleep on a cushionless couch.
Holy bed batman! I'd be there in a heartbeat, I didn't get my first "big girl bed" (aka anything besides a twin bed) until I was 24!! Totes jealous! Yes I said totes
I slept on the bottom bunk of a bunk bed until I was 20 when I got married and moved out. Then, I slept on a God awful futon for several months until I finally had enough and bought the queen. She's damn lucky and she just doesn't even appreciate it.
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Frozen. I have no shame.
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